Gay guy confused

[Scudder]

Hey guys,
I was wondering if there are any gay guys on this site.
I recently (few months) started to experience ED. This was a complete shock and a serious blow to my self esteem.
I have a very good and calm relationship with a guy 11 years younger than me.
I started searching the web and (luckily!) found mybrainonporn through someone's blog.
My story fitted perfectly... I've been binging on porn for years now, and the worst part is... this clearly makes my impulse controll much weaker!
I'm chatting with guys online, swap pictures and vids, jack off on cam. All this is in the root of my problem (even more so than porn itself, though I started from porn).
All this escalated in various ways until during one of there weekend biges, I've found myself drunk in another guy's apartment, ready to fool around...
Luckily nothing happened in the end.
The day after was hell and all this made me want to do something about it.
My thoughts and energy, ultimately seems to revolve around sex. I want more and more. I was thinking about opening the relationship or inviting other guys to our bedroom.
But all this seems now to be a dead end. This is like a horizon - you can never reach it, no matter how far you'd go...
I need to find balance. Bad...
I'm trying to quit from Jan 1st. It started awesome - I got to three weeks, no problem. But then... This is my 3rd or 4th attempt. I don't even rememeber. I have this counter on my iPhone I keep reseting to 90 days... I never thought this will be so tough.
I live in Poland, where being a gay teen in the 90' wasn't exactly a walk in the park. This crippled me in many was. Therefore I try not to be to hard on myself but also I feel I should stop making excuses.
Today the counter reads "87".

I've tried nofap.com and it was a disaster. Maybe I was doing something wrong technically with my posts, but everybody seemed not to care... even when I posted: "I think I'm about to binge."
Maybe an accountability partner would be helpful?
All this is torture :/

Thanks for reading.
And thanks Gabe!

 

[Janson2015]

I'm a gay guy. My blog, obstacles journal, is below. If you want an accountability partner, hit me up. I'm 73 days in to my reboot.

 

[fapfreezone]

Well, i'm not doing too great myself with quitting right now, so i won't give you any advice on the how to's, but i do think it sounds like you have PIED and would benefit from giving up P, so keep trying. I'm straight, FWIW.

 

[Janson2015]

Before I began my reboot, things got VERY out of control. I paid for membership on an adult site and I was sharing short videos that I shot with someone on Scruff. It was after a sexual experience that went horribly wrong that I did some research and found this site. My best friend is my accountability partner and he's also rebooting. Watch and read everything on YBOP. Find something to read or watch that is NOFAP related every day and during every craving. Delete it all!!! Apps, sites, pictures, downloads. Know your triggers. Crush them. Write in your journal as many times a day as you need to. You often won't get responses, but just vent everything out. I'm at 73 days. I honestly thought this would be an impossible journey, but I'm owning it. It's not easy but it's life altering and therefore totally worth it. I have so much control, confidence, power. Every area of my life is changing as a result of this reboot. You can do this.

 

[Scudder]

Wow, thanks guys
Already feeling supported

 

[Scudder]

All well today. I even downloaded a Brainbuddy app from AppStore. Seem a bit over the top but hey, every bit helps, right?
I've been thinking a lot today. About a permanent solution... And you know what is my worst fear?
That I can imagine myself going 90 days... but can I go my whole life without it? Do I even want it?!
I know there is much more to it but I kind of see myself as this nice, monogamous and very by-the-book, boring good-boy... Which I think I don't want to be.
To be honest...
I think that if I'm setting myself just for 90 days, it won't work though.

Like I said: confused!

Did you guys have simmilar doubts?

 

[Janson2015]

I worry that after 90 days I will lose my determination, so I just plan to remain active on here. After all those brain pathways are back to their default settings I'd imagine it will be somewhat easier to stay on track. 73 days in, so much has changed sexually. My need for connection/intimacy, the intensity of my sexual experiences and my ability to keep an erection and not have to worry about DE proves that this reboot is working and that it is worth it. I very rarely crave P now. I do occasionally think of it and sometimes when I'm down, I almost slip. I am not worried about falling back into PMO. One day at a time.

 

[neologism]

Welcome! It seems like most of the gay/bi guys around here are posting in the age 40+ section. Lyon03, Phase2, ready2go, lapdog, Patrick, djdevilct (and I'm sure some others that I'm forgetting about right now) have journals with some good discussions going on.

Rebooting is fundamentally the same for straight and gay men. But there are certain things about being gay -- our relationships, gay sexual culture, and our formative experiences coming to terms with out sexuality while living in homophobic environments -- that make our relationship to porn and our reboot experiences different in significant ways. So I think it's good to be able to talk about this stuff with other gay men. The straight men here are supportive too. Glad I found this community!

 

[Scudder]

I've just slipped...
Reseting the counter.
Nothing more to say.

 

[Janson2015]

Brush yourself off, keep your chin up, your guard up, and press on.

 

[fapfreezone]

I kind of see myself as this nice, monogamous and very by-the-book, boring good-boy... Which I think I don't want to be

Sometimes I think of myself as kind of a good boy. It doesn't really bother me, though. Maybe bad boys can be sexy for flings, but surely good boys are better for relationships. I think as long as I put my own needs first enough and get enough of what I want, then it's a positive thing to be a nice, honest person.

 

[Scudder]

Yesterday way an even bigger disaster... I did it 4 f....ng times.
But today is better.
I feel myself calming down.
Did my stretching and workout. Planning a movie with my bf.
The Easter is coming up though and lots of free time and... alcohol, which most of the time is my downfall.
Best way would be not to drink, but jeez what else must I deny myself? Everything is f...ng bad for me.
At some point I think I'm just not gonna want to hold that leash that tight. I don't want it so tight!
I'm so angry...

 

[Scudder]

This forum doesn't do it for me.
I really had a hard time, wrote about it and really needed some comment - easy or sobering.
Nothing though. Silence.
Had a super-binge!
I'm going to give it a few more days but probably will delete the profile.
I wonder if I'm doing something wrong here or it's just an egocentric nature of every guy asserting itself.
Or maybe ppl today can only come with the good stuff and run the other way if there's any sign of the bad. Facebook generation I guess. Hollow.
Anyways, I also discovered all this writing about it often makes me think about it too much. Doesn't make it easier.

 

[cinefile77]

Are you actually ready to give porn up completely?  Like what is your bottom line here? 

if a super binge gets a smiley face, I'm not convinced you've hit the same kind of rock bottom other people here have. You feel like there's a leash. The leash feeling won't get you anywhere except right back on your binge. You have to want to do the reboot. You have to be tired of the amount of time porn takes in your life. If you regret not being the bad boy, it's a whole other issue. You have to accept that it's not your nature and move on. Rebel in some other way if you must rebel.

People here are really supportive. If you find it isn't the right fit, hopefully you can find something that is.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey man,

I've actually read your journal before but didn't want to comment as it seemed you were seeking input from other gay guys.

While I have, as a result of my porn use, have had some same-sex experiences (particularly with trans porn) I consider myself straight.

This in itself can be quite a sensitive topic for both gay and straight people, but that is a discussion for another time. Basically I have what some refer to as HOCD.

Anyway, reading from your latest post it seems you are experiencing some despair and I thought I'd reach out simply because we share the same disease, which is sex addiction.

Reading sites like Yourbrainonporn to learn about the physiological process of porn addiction, withdrawal symptoms and ED has helped me a great deal, along with posting on this forum as well as other similar ones as I find this one a bit less active, but maybe that's because I'm quite new.

But I find that this is not enough. It is a vital component but it is only one element in an extensive program of recovery that I continue to build on as I am also an alcoholic and drug addict.

I attend meetings of AA, NA and SAA (sex addicts anonymous) and I share about my darkest secrets and my fears, and sometimes I just listen. I also do service at these meetings to stay in touch with other addicts, assisting where I am able to, not feeling compelled to do so at any point.

I read a lot of literature, keep a journal and I have even started to return to my place of worship to be involved in spiritual matters, which I believe is the ultimate solution, but I am aware that it is not for everyone.

The point is I do as many things as possible to keep me in a healthy state, things that grow me emotionally, physically, mentally and even spiritually. In SAA we call these outer circle activities.

Inner circle activities are those that we definitely don't want to ever, ever do, things like taking drugs, sleeping with people outside a committed relationship, porn, compulsive masturbation..

Middle circle activities are things that put us in negative states and can lead to inner circle activities; things like negative thoughts, watching too much TV, isolating from others, oversleeping, overeating, fantasy..

Anyway, there is a lot more to recovery than just looking at a counter. Recovery is about developing a program of action and reaching out to others, as many people as people in real life and in forums such as these. Sometimes helping someone out can help to heal ourselves..

I'd encourage you to stick around man, post here as often as you want, even if no one responds, as long as you are letting it all out, don't be afraid of being judged and don't depend on others affirmation. I believe we can't expect to receive from people what only we and our HP can give to us.

Stay strong man, you are doing the right thing by reaching out like this, it takes courage..

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Oh, by the way, here's a tip, when writing, write about the solution more than you write about the problem.

Eg.

"Today I woke up made my bed and prayed, then did some exercise and showered. It feels good to cleanse myself. I then did some readings from my recovery literature and posted on RebootNation.

"I met with my friend who is a fellow-addict and we discussed some powerful strategies on dealing with relationships, especially for people dealing with the same issues is ours.

"I went to work, and while my boss getting on my nerves, I tried to remember that he is also a flawed human as I am, so I went and wrote on my online journal about the issue and am starting to forgive him, especially after sharing about it.

"Gym was great, but I sometimes get triggered, so I just stared at the floor while working out, not looking up and left immediately, I think I'll do more floor exercises at home or in the park.

"I took a drawing class the other day, what a great experience, I think I'll go back. Recovery is great, I'm staying out of the house as much as I can and enjoying life on a whole new level, attending music events with friends, attending recovery meetings, going to art galleries and when I feel tired I just allow myself to fall asleep on my couch."

 

[Scudder]

Thanks FlyPhoenix! What you wrote really felt authentic.
I really did lash out with my last post. I guess I really am very, very angry. At myself mostly of course.
Yesterday was a peak for me - I walked around like a hornet all day - just looking for an object to vent on.
I've been thinking a lot about why that is.
And my last post was very angry too. The smiley face was obviously an irony (!).And you know what, I won't be polite. All this isn't nice and has nothing polite to it.
It's a bad, dark, frustrating place that has to do with primal stuff in your head. If you try to tame and supress any of it, you will sorely loose. All I see around me (and I don't mean here only) are norms trying to supress people and people expending all their energy to live up to them- this is infuriating! No wonder there are so many divorces, suicides and sad or angry ppl around.
And I was such a good good good boy all my life! And I've had it!

cinefile77 I'm under the impression you got irritated by my previous post. Don't ppl lash out during reboot? Don't they have childish thoughts and do childish stuff during it? Isn't the P addiction process all about hijacking your primal part which then rebels in primal, childish ways as an reaction to boundaries you try to put on it?
And isn't all this forum about getting that in others and saying: "It's ok. I get that"?
In stead I just felt judged by you - telling me what I should and should not feel, that I am being supported no mater what I think or feel about it, what I "have to want" this and that, what bottom I did or did not hit compared to others, and is it proper to write about this and that here and use this and that kind of a smiley and what is not. You used words "you have to" three times in your short post...
I was wondering if you are so harsh on yourself too... Hope not.
But thanks for taking the time to write anyway

I should rename this thread to "super angry queer's ramblings"
How do I do that?!

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I'm glad it helped, if it did. Anyway, I agree with you that when sharing is limited to the use of "we" and "I" rather than "you" it is more effective in sharing what the 12 step groups call "experience, strength and hope" because we can only really share our own experience as we are different people who share the same disease, it would be presumtuous to give advice.