What I am doing is not sustainable

O

oyiryu

Member
It's simply amazing how weak I am against the force of porn.

I am 50 years old, and have been addicted to PMO since the age of 13,  Yep, that"s 37 years.  In fact, the behavior actually started earlier since I actually clipped pictures of girls from magazines and kept a collection under my mattress around the age of 11 or 12.  But I'll start the clock at the age of 13 since that was when I was first introduced to real PMO.

For 15 years (from the age of 13 to 28), life rocked on with PMO sessions several times a week.  I finished college, got married, and had kids, now grown.  I was completely at ease and fully believed that PMO was harmless fun, and also healthy.

Then at the age of 28 I became a Christian, and began to grow spiritually.  All of  a sudden, I realized that this behavior was not healthy, wasn't live-enriching, and was stunting my spiritual growth.  So I decided to stop.  But I simply couldn't stop, and thus began a familiar cycle of stop-crave-binge-shame-repeat.  I can usually white-knuckle for two weeks before binging.  I worked hard this past January and went 29 days.  But the relapse binge was so mind-melting I imagine I did more harm than good.

This habit is causing a lot of brain fog and depression.  I'm really disappointed with myself.

People on this site talk about "restoring" their normal brain chemistry.  But since I started screwing up my brain before I got out of puberty, I may have never really had normal brain function.  So I am wondering if my brain can actually heal to the point I can get pleasure and stimulation from the normal things of life, rather than having to put on a show for the world and then run off to a secret oasis for some "me time"  by self-medicating with dopamine.

So if there are some guys with 30+ experience in this mud hole, I would love to hear how you are doing.  I am really curious how much wholeness I could one day expect to find, or if the effects of re-wiring I have accomplished over the last 37 years are beyond repair,  I realize that convincing myself that it is "too late" for me is just another way to justify this behavior.  Crafty stuff.

I guess that's enough for now.  Thanks for reading.

 
J

Jimmy James

Active Member
I posted this in another thread.
You have to want to change.  Really, really want to change.  Not just sort of want to maybe try rebooting a little bit.  This is not a fad diet.  It's not a fucking game. Rebooting has to be the most important thing in your life until the urges subside.  If you really don't want to make real changes, don't even waste your time trying.
Click to expand...

I too had made it a while without PMO in the past, but I was not really committed to making a change.  My previous periods of abstinence had an expiration date before I even started them.  I guess I finally hit my rock bottom and was ready to change.  I think when you are really ready to change, it becomes easier.

You must develop a "porn is not an option" attitude.  Be prepared for tough times. No matter what you are going through, porn is not an acceptable response.  Since porn is not an option, what are your acceptable options?  That is up to you.  Myself and others have found exercise, reading, prayer, meditation, cold showers, anything outside, journalling here, extra time with loved ones, finishing items on your honey-do list, volunteer with charities, anything other than porn. Make a plan for your alone time that you usually use to view porn.

You also must avoid things that lead you to porn (triggers).  For many that means greatly curtailing all online activities.  Avoid porn-lite or porn substitutes.  Avoid objectification of women (in real life and in media).  They are not there for you to think about sexually.  This is a big part of the change in your life that needs to be made.

Consider installing a porn blocker such as K9 or using OpenDNS router settings.  It is not perfect, but it can slow you down and prevent some accidental exposures.  If you wife is aware and supportive of your reboot, let her be the keeper of the password. Keep all electronic devices in public view.  Cancel the data plan on your phone.

Find an accountability partner.  Ideally your wife, but it could be a close friend or even just by keeping your journal here.  Many here also join sex addict 12 step programs.

Read everything you can here and YBOP. 

Are you ready?
 
Switch

Switch

Member
Oy -

You appear to suffer with some of the same self-esteem and self-loathing issues that I do.  I struggle with the exact same work-related issues as well, in terms of chronic procrastination and PMO.  I hide this from my wife as well, because I cannot bring myself to ensnarl her in this mess.

So basically, I am knee-deep in the common struggle, and  I am not sure I can help beyond commiseration, but I can absolutely assure you that low self-esteem and self-loathing are the problem, not the solution. 
 
sodonewithit

sodonewithit

Active Member
28 days in and everything that Jimmy says is dead on correct.  You can't have a excuse for this all, it doesn't matter.  I can tell you with all truth that jerking off every day was nearly ruining my life but a mere 28 fast days change everything.

Everyone here has issues and everyone started pmo for some 25+ years in this sub set but everyone who has made the break can attest to the shockingly fast rewind that goes on.  Read and watch the videos, find out about death grip (this concept was crushing to me untill my wife restarted my nerves ) and all the other side effects of this problem.

Life changes, the blame game stops, the circle of games stop and it is worth the effort.  Do it brother and you will reap the rewards.
 
C

challenged

Active Member
oyiryu said:
People on this site talk about "restoring" their normal brain chemistry.  But since I started screwing up my brain before I got out of puberty, I may have never really had normal brain function.  So I am wondering if my brain can actually heal to the point I can get pleasure and stimulation from the normal things of life, rather than having to put on a show for the world and then run off to a secret oasis for some "me time"  by self-medicating with dopamine.

So if there are some guys with 30+ experience in this mud hole, I would love to hear how you are doing.  I am really curious how much wholeness I could one day expect to find, or if the effects of re-wiring I have accomplished over the last 37 years are beyond repair,  I realize that convincing myself that it is "too late" for me is just another way to justify this behavior.  Crafty stuff.
Click to expand...

I sincerely don't believe it is too late.  First, high-speed internet porn would appear to be much more of a problem in terms of causing the dopamine spikes and dopamine dependence that in turn causes PIED.  The "good old days" of magazines and VHS tapes does not seem to have caused the same type of problems.  Therefore, 30+ years of porn experience is probably not the right number in terms of the most serious impacts on your brain chemistry.  The really serious impacts are probably much more recent and are associated with our ability to repeatedly mouse-click on picture after picture and video after video of pornographic material.  (And by the way, I've probably had almost 40 years of porn experience, and it probably is very similar to yours.)

Second, it seems that the people who have the most difficulty recovering are younger men whose only exposure to sex has been internet porn, and who have had very limited experience with a real partner.  It seems that older guys like us who have had decades of sex with a real person have an easier time re-wiring their brains to the real-life partner once they eliminate porn.  So here is one instance, I guess, where it is good not to be in your 20's.  :)

I would suggest reading the article on "Rebooting Basics" and the yourbrainonporn.com website, and looking at the other articles and videos.  There is a wealth of information there.  I would also suggest that as a Christian, you get your hands on a copy of the book "Surfing For God," by Michael Cusick.  It deals with the porn addiction problem from a Christian perspective.  Highly recommended.

In any event, I think it is extremely doubtful that you are "beyond repair" and or that it is "too late" for you.  (Also recall that nothing is impossible for God, especially when we are doing his will, and that he can restore us beyond our imagination when we choose to be obedient to him.)  You just need to commit to eliminate porn, and be patient as your brain goes through the process of changing.  But it will change  and will "reboot" if you give it a chance.  Banish from your head the notion that it won't work from you.  This thought does not come from God.  You know where it comes from.
 
J

Jack Strap

Member
It's not too late, your brain and body can adjust back. I have looked at porn as many years as you have, during that time I actually went to a support group and abstained for a year several years ago. Then I got a laptop and relapsed for several years and I'm back to quitting again but this time for good. During my abstinence period I went back to normal, that's what will happen to you, just break the cycle.
 
K

ksguy

Member
oyiryu,

The title of your journal really speaks to me. PMO is definitely not sustainable and wrecks my brain and impacts all those around me even if they do not know why. Eventually, if I don't stop it will most likely wreck my marriage and career.

Reading the references to brain chemistry reminds me of Grain Brain by Dr. David Perlmutter and other things that I have read by/about Dr. Terri Wahls. Both of these doctors recommend dietary changes to improve brain health and it makes me wonder if that is something that might help. Dr. Terri Wahls used diet to mend her mitochondria to reverse (cure?) her MS. Dr. David Perlmutter uses diet changes to treat a wide variety of brain disorders.

So, that might be something to think about. On the plus side, even if it doesn't help with the damage that we've done our brains, it will prevent other brain disorders and also prevent diabetes. We've been eating this way for a couple of years. Even if it doesn't actually help my brain to resist PMO, believing that it does might have a placebo effect and it has definitely improved my health in other ways.

Good luck. Imagine how great life will be without the guilt and shame. You can do this.

S
 
K

KidQuick

Member
oyiryu,

You are in the right place. When you are struggling or at a loss for what to do, read Jimmie James's post. It had a lot of good wisdom in it.

I would add to it two other things though:

1) Journal. Particularly, in the beginning. Get those feelings out, whatever they are. The beautiful thing about RN is you can say whatever you want, however insane or stupid or ridiculous you may think is. We have all been there. I see some of my past in yours. You are not alone.

2) Learn. Learn as much as you can about the process and what you are going through. I know it is cliche but knowledge is power. Once you have a better understanding of the process, you will be able to fight the urges better. Until you have that knowledge, you are simply trying to suffer through. You can read posts here. You can go to YBOP.com. There's even a few places on reddit you can go to to. There are probably other places too. Yeah, I know Jimmie James said this, but I wanted to repeat it because it is so important.

Finally, and this isn't an addition, I just wanted to note that the brain is a wonderful beautiful elastic thing. It takes time and it is a battle, but the brain can recover and return to it's pre-addiction state. I believe in you, oyiryu. We all do.
 
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