HOCD Journal

[Ontrack Man]

I've decided to start a journal specifically about this topic because it is something I don't know much about, and maybe we can all help each other, share experiences and all that.

I have another journal which I started when I finally came to terms with the idea that I had porn-addiction, and probably PIED.  Now I have begun to accept that HOCD might be a real thing in me.  I've acted upon it many times, not feeling really satisfied. So I've decided to reboot completely and let my true sexuality show, whatever it may be.

It's not been hard quitting porn, at least not as hard as I though.  It's tougher to avoid the porn-substitutes and such, like erotic movies and online pics.  My first serious step to reboot from HOCD is quit the "dating" apps for guys, I haven't had the strength to do it yet. Curiosity always gets the best of me.  It's been two days since I've browsed, but I substitute that chatting with guys that gave me their number.  It's all meaningless, empty conversations, sex lurking in the background. 

Not to healthy for me, right now, at least.


Always glad to read any of your posts.  Take care!

 

[Ontrack Man]

Also, I want to say,  looking at "dating" aps and chatting made it easier for me to fap, although I did not use porn.  Then on Sunday I M'd three times, and on Monday I had had meaningless sex with a guy. 

Felt awful after, I hope to remember this to help stay strong next time.

 

[cinefile77]

This is an interesting topic. I've struggled with this but haven't gone past looking at the app or CL. It felt the same as P, though.  I've also had to reboot mainly from P with all guys. It's not something I'm open about, so im happy to have this forum.

If you're really ready to move on from it, delete the app from all your devices. As far as P, there are triggers everywhe that your brain will process the same way. Find something else to do with your time. It is the main thing that's helped me. I feel like at the moment, there are a lot of ads and movies and things that focus on the guys. Even in person, I haven't seen the hot girls at the beach in the same numbers as in 80s movies. Instead, it's ab city. it makes it harder for people who could go either way.

Good luck man. It's definitely possible to move past this. It's not easy, but it can happen.  My PIED went away once I stopped overloading my brain with P.

 

[Ontrack Man]

Thanks so much for your reply and insight Cinefile; it helps me a lot.  "It's definitely possible to move past this" is a very encouraging idea I need to keep in mind.

Today I've been thinking about if I really have HOCD, and I've realised it's something that has worried me since I was kid, starting my teenage years. I was bullied a lot for being too "girly", and while I didn't really understand what was wrong with being myself, it  really made me think, up to the point where I thought wasn't really a man.

I have not been able to bring myself to delete the apps, but I know I will very soon.  I have refrained from looking at them, and the more I am convinced that I have a real problem the less I want to do with any of that.

Once I recognised I had porn addiction it really hasn't been too difficult to stop watching.  I hope the same will happen with all the porn-subs I have failed to recognise I still tolerate.  I am done with all that.

Thanks for reading !

 

[Ontrack Man]

In another post ("sexual confusion": http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=4445.msg51960#msg51960) ,  Antoniem5 said something very insightful that has helped me because it cleared a lot of questions i've had for years, I guess I needed to hear it from him:

"I don't think you should base your sexuality on when you get an erection. If you don't get erections around girls, it doesn't mean that you are gay. Just think for yourself: what would you prefer, to be with a girl, or with a guy? I understand the confusion. I had actually been thinking was asexual but really liked porn for reason. When I found out about this whole nofap thing and PIED, I immediately gave up porn and my feelings for girls returned."

 

[Philgood63]

Hi man, and many thanks for sharing your story. That's a tricky subject, and I'm pretty sure that many of us share this problem but feel difficulties to talk about it. That relieves me of a huge weight to be able to approach this issue.

The fact is that I've been using P for years and probably had underlying HOCD issues before, but it turned out that P have made things get worse badly. The more I was watching P, the more I was feeling like if I was the girl on screen, and the more I was wondering if I was gay or not, or maybe a girl, I don't know, I was very confused. I escaladed to watching gay P and then chatting and talking to men. That's when I felt very bad about all of this, when I was to the point where things could really get serious. I suddenly felt panic and stopped everything cold turkey. I was totally convinced that massive use of P had changed my brain and led me to think I was something I was not. Really. That's very frightening, but it has really modified the way I was considering myself, and that was totally untrue.

That was a huge motivation for me to get into the reboot thing, and since then I try to stick to it, even if it has been difficult until now. But I'm now totally sure that I'm not gay, because when I keep myself away from P for a few days, I'm not attracted by men at all, it's that simple.

That HOCD issue brought me nothing but pain, doubts, restless nights when I was wondering if I was a man or not, that was pure hell and I wish this to noone.

So... I wish you the best in this journey, keep strong, man.

 

[Ontrack Man]

Thank you so much for your input, it helps to know there are other guys out there going through similar stuff.  I never really made the connection of watching P had changed my sexual tastes, I was bullied a lot as a kid being calles "girl" so many times that at some points I got to believe I really was one.

I'm not strong lately, maybe I should write more on Reboot Nation, but I've PMO'd often lately.  It's interesting though how I find changes in my tastes, I mostly get turned on by straight P  when before I ended guy on guy vids to get me going. 

I don't know, I don't think I'm taking this addiction seriously enough.  I had a great streak when I began but maybe I got too confident.

I really appreciate your messages, I'll try and stay strong in the next weeks !