Im on my own here. As I said in my other opening post Ive been addicted for 15 years since I was a teenager myself, Ive been though a lot of head trips with this stuff. Im Manic Depressive so its been easy to escape into bad habits and I consider this one to be the worst. Its also the one pretty much nobody knows about. I haven't really told anyone until recently and that was just mentioning it sort of off hand to my parents and even my doctor. I have never told my wife. My doctor and parents seems to feel its a good thing to be doing but dont have any real understanding about how hard it is. They dont ask about my progress and dont think about it. But its somewhat understandable I dont think most people know just how bad this thing is. There is really no press around it and the older generation doesnt understand it becasue it was never around like this in there day. I cant tell my wife she is far to sensitive and is already constantly insecure about herself and her looks without me saying I have a problem looking at other naked women. To a degree the type of porn I was into in related to a type of OCDI had in the past and still have a little now. Its like having intrusive thoughts, when I was a kid I would get thoughts in my head that would scare me and I would hate them and run around all day doing and thinking things to get rid of them. I found out later that this is a form of OCD that is common with bipolar. These are not things I want or would ever do but they pop into my head and disturb me and scare me. I know better know but in the day I would spend hours crying and screaming and doing whatever I could to get them to stop. I guess in all this mess the type of porn I watched related to this. Its not anything like child porn but its just as a disturbing subject to me. The point is even when I got help for the OCD I never never told ANYONE what the content of these thoughts were even when I got help, I just said how it was happening. So I got good at keeping things to myself. I hid my porn addiction the same way I never told anyone. I dont tend to trust people with my head anyway. So aside from coming on here and talking to you guys nobody knows that im doing any of this.....makes it even harder. Anyone else in this type of situation?
on my own day 7
- Thread starter Jim227
- Start date
Hey Man, I think part of what gives PMO its power over us is that is it a secret. And it just lurks there waiting and waiting for a moment of weakness. So it takes a lot of strength and courage to even come on this site and share your struggles let alone tell your parents and doc. As far as the type of porn you look at and your addiction. It isn't you. As I progressed and the years went by, I would seek more and more disturbing content to keep me interested. Stuff that revolted me is what I sought because my brain was just too bored. It took more extreme imagery and to get to the same place. This is a source of a lot of shame, doesn't reflect my values, and isn't me. I only hope that with enough time away from it my mind will recover. I also know that for me at least PMO is either the catalyst or symptom of a host of other mental health issues (ie. self-image, food addiction, being intimacy illiterate, social anxiety). Everyone's journey is there own but you are not alone.
Welcome to the forums Jim227. Sounds like you're definitely in the right place. And know that you're not alone! We're all in this together! I think that part of this forum is about bringing oneself out in to the open so to speak. As 1qqq1 mentioned, having the courage to share and be honest, which is always the first step. Keep coming back 
Day 16 this is how far I got on my laST record. I cant say I feel great or anything. I get depressed soome times. But I feel stronger. my urges are comming back just a little but so far I can handle it for now. I tryed to explain it to my mom and she took it well. shes suportive. I cant tell my wife though. But shhe is starting to notice my depression I just have to tell her its a bipolar thing. Ihope it feels better soob
Ok im on day 43. this is by far the longest streak ive been on. It looks like quite of my hair line has grown back in. I dont have the engery i was hopping for though. Ive fallen into fantasys a few times which i dont like and I havent been getting to the gym. I hope I can keeep myself going. I just dont feel like doing anything....yuck
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi Jim,
You're doing quite good if you've gone until 43 days, I think you'll probably overcome this addiction even if you may face bad feelings from time to time, like this current lack of motivation for anything. That's probably one of those tricks from your brain that tries to get you back to your old habits, maybe ?
I've read what you wrote in the beginning and I definitely relate with my situation. A form of OCD that lasts since youth, and a tendency to escape from reality with bad habits, later resulting in seeking for disturbing kinds of porn... I know all this stuff. To my opinion it's quite impossible to find understanding from the others, that's something I don't tell to anyone, even best friends. When it come to these subjects, people judge you very quickly, they just think you are guilty, they even can't imagine you're the victim in this story. They give you fantastic advices like "oh, you must stop this"... That's why this forum is such an help, because here we all know the problem. We're not alone and that gives faith to all of us. I wish you good luck for the end of your journey, you should succeed !
You're doing quite good if you've gone until 43 days, I think you'll probably overcome this addiction even if you may face bad feelings from time to time, like this current lack of motivation for anything. That's probably one of those tricks from your brain that tries to get you back to your old habits, maybe ?
I've read what you wrote in the beginning and I definitely relate with my situation. A form of OCD that lasts since youth, and a tendency to escape from reality with bad habits, later resulting in seeking for disturbing kinds of porn... I know all this stuff. To my opinion it's quite impossible to find understanding from the others, that's something I don't tell to anyone, even best friends. When it come to these subjects, people judge you very quickly, they just think you are guilty, they even can't imagine you're the victim in this story. They give you fantastic advices like "oh, you must stop this"... That's why this forum is such an help, because here we all know the problem. We're not alone and that gives faith to all of us. I wish you good luck for the end of your journey, you should succeed !
joe_ireland
Member
Don't stress about it Jim. 43 days is fairly good; you will find that the longer you abstain that it eventually gets easier. I just fell to temptation myself a few days ago. Just spend time reflecting on why you slipped, how you can avoid it next time, and where you go from here.
Re. your first post when you talk about the thoughts that come into your head and that disturb you, I think a lot of us have somewhat similar experiences of some degree or other. One thing that I have found helpful is to ask why do these images come into my head? What do I find exciting about them? is there some unacknowledged part of myself that is making itself known through these images or desires? What do I have to do accept that part of myself that is finding an outlet through these images. Don't know if that is helpful to you at all...
Re. your first post when you talk about the thoughts that come into your head and that disturb you, I think a lot of us have somewhat similar experiences of some degree or other. One thing that I have found helpful is to ask why do these images come into my head? What do I find exciting about them? is there some unacknowledged part of myself that is making itself known through these images or desires? What do I have to do accept that part of myself that is finding an outlet through these images. Don't know if that is helpful to you at all...
B
Bryan
Guest
43 days is nothing to scoff at. And as long as you keep coming back, I think these spans will become easier and (hopefully) get longer. Forget about the relapse - the vast majority of your time was spent well, and that's something positive.
Philgood63
Active Member
Yeah, don't give up Jim, sure we're always dispointed when we relapse but we all have to get through this if we wan't to succeed. One day on the "emergency page" I have read this : "The master has failed more times than the beginner even tried." Sounds pretty true...
thank you for the support guys, I seem to have trouble on the days before I have to go to work. Plus this was a 3 day weekend and I haven't had any energy in about 2 weeks. Ive had bad brain fog too. Like I said though my hair is growing back in so I take that as a positive.This is one of the hardest things ive had to go though, even with my being bipolar. Im trying to not think of it as a break from my streak just a slip maybe. But thanks again for the support I don't know what I would have done without you guys and this website.
Philgood63
Active Member
Yes sure, this forum is a real life-saver for many (all ?) of us ! And the nice thing about it is that anyone can help anyone, in a way. So, keep on telling us about your journey, that can help all of us to hear about your progress !
Well im on day 60 today, my brain fog is clearing up a little. But I wanted to say I almost had a relapse 2 days ago, i started llooking at you tube sexy videos and some racey reddit posts. It wasnt porn but it Got me so into that mode that i felt sick and just so bad the next day. I was eather sick or upset and it cost me work time again! I didn't think after the last time i would be so stupid. It just has such a powerful affect on me now just edging can hit me that hard. Anyone else experience this?
Im going back into hard mode, i started fantasizing for a few days and thats what led to the edging. I really should have known better by now.
Im going back into hard mode, i started fantasizing for a few days and thats what led to the edging. I really should have known better by now.
Hi Jim!
Me as you also have OCD, had it all my life as well. When I was young I used to make up little songs or words I'd say to myself in my head to rid of the intrusive thoughts. I went to a psychologist, and I'm much better now than I was before. The only thing that works against intrusive thoughts is to just let them be there. They have nothing to do with the person you are. Whatever thoughts there are, how nasty or bizzare. Because OCD feeds on our worst fears or worries. I've had it all, because it always needs to find a way to scare me. The point is to recognize them, and just say to yourself, to let them be there and not ruminate. Easier said than done of course. I found it easier to write my thoughts down and evaluate them, and it felt stupid at first. But the anxiety would gradually go away.
Maybe you already have found out about this advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone on this.
Glad to see you're making progress in being P free and getting a healthier sex life with your wife!
Keep going!
Me as you also have OCD, had it all my life as well. When I was young I used to make up little songs or words I'd say to myself in my head to rid of the intrusive thoughts. I went to a psychologist, and I'm much better now than I was before. The only thing that works against intrusive thoughts is to just let them be there. They have nothing to do with the person you are. Whatever thoughts there are, how nasty or bizzare. Because OCD feeds on our worst fears or worries. I've had it all, because it always needs to find a way to scare me. The point is to recognize them, and just say to yourself, to let them be there and not ruminate. Easier said than done of course. I found it easier to write my thoughts down and evaluate them, and it felt stupid at first. But the anxiety would gradually go away.
Maybe you already have found out about this advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone on this.
Glad to see you're making progress in being P free and getting a healthier sex life with your wife!
Keep going!