This is my first post, I recently joined, and have been reading through posts. I was amazed to see as many people fighting the same fight as me.
I first realized the problem after my fiance discovered P and chat applications on my phone. The applications would be deleted every time after use, but one day, for lack of a better word I got sloppy. She saw the history of an uninstall and was tipped off. Coming clean with her was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My "addiction" started way back when I was a teenager. As soon as I had access to the internet, I had access to P. This just got multiplied when I got my first smart phone. I was able to resist the urge for a while, but finally succumbed to it. This was all taking place before I was dating my current fiance. I was able to give it up from time to time, but always strayed back. At one point getting to a point where I sought out a hook up on Craigslist. Once I started dating my fiance, I was able to give everything up. I have not been on Craigslist, I gave up P for a while. I didn't need it. After time though, I started drifting back, as usual. It started as just viewing images and video online. I would PMO and lie about it. I lied heavily about my P usage. I knew how viewing P made my fiance feel, and I never wanted to hurt her, but I kept going back. Then it seemed like videos and images weren't enough, I wanted a little more interaction. This is when I started going to chat rooms and forums seeking attention. At the time I never viewed this as cheating. I wasn't physically meeting people and cheating on my fiance. Now as I look back I can see how wrong I was. I allowed myself to get deeper and deeper into this. Seeking out more and more. It didn't matter who I was talking to, as long as I got my fix.
Everything then came out. I admitted everything to my fiance. Although the admission process had some ripples. It was hard admitting to everything. I would tell some, and leave out other things. Then these details would come out. Here I was, the luckiest man that she didn't leave me. That she decided to stay with me while we worked through everything and I worked on bettering myself. And I still couldn't get everything out to her. It would weigh on my mind everyday. Finally after a few months it all came out. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But at the same time, all that weight fell onto the shoulders of my fiance.
We have been making strides everyday. I immediately put accountability software on my phone. My fiance can see everything I do on it. I started journaling every day. I started running again. I also started doing a lot of research on the subject of addiction. Doing a lot of reading. It has all been very helpful. I find myself being a far happier person everyday. My fiance and I still have our tough moments. But I am far more comfortable talking with her about everything that I come across.
I have had very few urges since all this happened. This is encouraging, but I am not taking anything for granted. I take each day 1 step at a time. I have now discovered what truly matters in my life. I look forward to coming back here and makin more posts, and offering some assistance when needed as well.
I first realized the problem after my fiance discovered P and chat applications on my phone. The applications would be deleted every time after use, but one day, for lack of a better word I got sloppy. She saw the history of an uninstall and was tipped off. Coming clean with her was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My "addiction" started way back when I was a teenager. As soon as I had access to the internet, I had access to P. This just got multiplied when I got my first smart phone. I was able to resist the urge for a while, but finally succumbed to it. This was all taking place before I was dating my current fiance. I was able to give it up from time to time, but always strayed back. At one point getting to a point where I sought out a hook up on Craigslist. Once I started dating my fiance, I was able to give everything up. I have not been on Craigslist, I gave up P for a while. I didn't need it. After time though, I started drifting back, as usual. It started as just viewing images and video online. I would PMO and lie about it. I lied heavily about my P usage. I knew how viewing P made my fiance feel, and I never wanted to hurt her, but I kept going back. Then it seemed like videos and images weren't enough, I wanted a little more interaction. This is when I started going to chat rooms and forums seeking attention. At the time I never viewed this as cheating. I wasn't physically meeting people and cheating on my fiance. Now as I look back I can see how wrong I was. I allowed myself to get deeper and deeper into this. Seeking out more and more. It didn't matter who I was talking to, as long as I got my fix.
Everything then came out. I admitted everything to my fiance. Although the admission process had some ripples. It was hard admitting to everything. I would tell some, and leave out other things. Then these details would come out. Here I was, the luckiest man that she didn't leave me. That she decided to stay with me while we worked through everything and I worked on bettering myself. And I still couldn't get everything out to her. It would weigh on my mind everyday. Finally after a few months it all came out. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But at the same time, all that weight fell onto the shoulders of my fiance.
We have been making strides everyday. I immediately put accountability software on my phone. My fiance can see everything I do on it. I started journaling every day. I started running again. I also started doing a lot of research on the subject of addiction. Doing a lot of reading. It has all been very helpful. I find myself being a far happier person everyday. My fiance and I still have our tough moments. But I am far more comfortable talking with her about everything that I come across.
I have had very few urges since all this happened. This is encouraging, but I am not taking anything for granted. I take each day 1 step at a time. I have now discovered what truly matters in my life. I look forward to coming back here and makin more posts, and offering some assistance when needed as well.
