Rebooting for 40 days. The addiction starts kicking in, again,need to share this

[believe]

April 24, 2015
After being 40 days clean, my addiction is starting to kick in again.
While being in a almost complete flatline so far, in the last 2 days the urge of watching porn has been appearing again.

In this period I have been motivated, strong, committed to a healthier life, focusing on work, study, good diet and work out.
Yesterday though, my brain was craving something, was making me feel miserable, like I needed something to excite my life, to give me some stronger emotions and feelings that porn has been giving me in the past.

So even if I have blocked my browser with K9, even though I have been avoiding all kind of social networking interaction to avoid sexual images, today I started browsing on twitter porn stars, and so I was hooked again.

I masturbated for a while even though I haven't relapsed, I was completely vulnerable - All the defenses I have created around me were gone and I couldn't stop watching those images and videos. My brain finally had what it was looking for.

I'm only happy that I didn't relapse and that somehow I was able to manage to stop.

What I learned is that these types of moments are part of the rebooting, and that I need to be stronger and be prepared when they will arrive again.

I'm more committed now to keep going, and I still don't want to reset my counter, but keep going with it. But somehow I know that today is day 0 again, because from tomorrow I will have a better understanding of my deep problem and that I can destroy it only if I will always prepared to go though them, only if I will be ready to suffer and avoid anyways the need of feeling again the way porn makes me feel.

You have to go through hell, you need to be persistent and make sure that you know that those needs will appear at some point, but keep on focusing on the long term result, keep on focusing on how you will feel when you will be successful in getting rid of all these stuff, and how much better your life will be when you will have your real feelings and your person in control again.

Only going through to all the pain that your brain and your body is giving you because you got rid of porn and being persistent not watching porn to have a short relief, you will conquer your real life again.

It's just to same of having been addicted to heroin: those who stop are just those ones that are strong enough to say no, and don't give them a little relief having it again. Only those ones that won't ever use it anymore for the rest of their life will be able to win and get their life back to normal.

Porn is the same type of addiction, so be prepared, surround yourself of whatever you need to reach your goal.

I hope I will be strong enough to win my frustration, boredom, sadness and bad feelings that my condition is giving me right now. I will be only focused on the long term results, being aware that if I will keep going and I will be persistent, I will reach the point of being a better person, with real feelings and be able to have a real relationship one day.

good luck, to you and to me.

 

[Fappy]

You are already a better person for committing to this reboot!
These are just withdrawal symptoms. To feel good sometimes first we have to feel like a steaming pile of rat shit. Itll pass and better days will come.

 

[phoenix0015]

Thanks believe for sharing this. this is really helpful to realise that cravings can kick in anytime so we cannot drop guards. its only been 10 days for me already going through hell. But you helped me remind why are we doing this.

Best of luck. I am sure you will succeed. 

 

[TimeToLive]

You're still on the right track! It's ok to fail because in failure you've gained an insightful experience. The only real failure would have been if you'd decided to drop your commitment to knocking this thing on the head. Keep going friend - you're actually doing an amazing job. 40 days! Fantastic.

 

[believe]

Day 43 - April 26 2015

The last few days have been very hard for me. After over a month being super committed and focused, the frustration of my condition and the lack of sex, flirting, and touch from a girl have been huge, and made me go back to look for porn and start browsing.

I realized that porn is the way to get rid of my frustration, but the short relief that can give me, will make everything so much worst for such a longer time.

Everyday I keep track of 4 things: Gym, Study(which means self improvement), Smoke, Porn

And while for over a month I have been doing Gym and Study constantly, avoiding Smoking and Porn, in the last few days I have been procrastinating, not going to the Gym, Smoking and watching porn.

So why is that? Well, this is simply the same reason that brought me here today, to my condition. I can leverage my motivation for a pretty long time, but then eventually when I don't see results, I get frustrated, and I want somehow a relief, a REWARD.
And for such a long time my Reward was smoking (either sigarettes or pot) and watching porn, because even though it is toxic, I know it would have made me feel better, even if for a short time.

Looking at this from a different point of view, the reality is, we need to be patient to see and achieve long term results, we are what we do everyday, and no success happens overnight, but for every aspect of our lives we are simply the result of our daily  behavior. So now look at yourself and realize that whatever you are, you have and you feel is simply the result of behaviors that have been going on for a long time. Most of them are almost automatic, normal, but every success achieved, is only the result of our commitment, our focus and our daily behavior.

So moments of frustration, sadness and depression will be part of our journey, as we are suffering the result of our wrong behaviors, but from now on we NEED TO BE FOCUSED ON THE LONG TERM RESULT, being aware that we will only reach our goal to get rid of porn and get back to normal, only if day after day we'll be committed in not making the same mistake again and change our behaviors. So when our triggers (frustration, boredom, horniness) will appear again, because it will, just be prepared and focused to switch your behavior to something else, so instead of masturbating and looking for porn of any type, just do something else. Cold shower, a walk, cooking, make a phone call to your mom, just create a different ritual that will be happening after the triggers will appear.

I feel so sad that I did watch porn in the last few days, even though I haven't relapsed I know this made me lose so much, I can feel I was working good and restoring my libido back to normal, but now we these wrong behaviors I lost a lot.

Nothing has changed anyways, I'm still at my day 43, I haven't spent hours on porn but have managed to quit very quickly and haven't relapsed, so I did my best to go back on track asap.

But from now on I will be vigilant and aware that if wrong triggers will hit me, the only thing that I will have in my mind is the goal I want to achieve, that is being normal again, being myself again, feeling my libido back again and my connection with real women again. Right now I still feel like a zombie, but I know that if I'll keep working on it and I'll be persistent, I will show to everyone and to myself who I really am.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to share these thoughts after a few days of weakness.

If you read this, please share what you think or compare what you have been living, it's very important to me to hear you thoughts and get replies. I feel it will make each other more connected and more committed to solve our problems.

Peace

 

[phoenix0015]

Hello Believe,
Thanks for good insights. I agree with you. We need to train our mind to go to replacement behaviours when triggers kick in. For that we have to be prepared with list of placement behaviour for each possible situation. I am home alone and feel horny - Go out for a walk etc. 
I have finish just 11 days so thanks for telling me that triggers can come and come strong at any point,  even after 40 days. So I will have to be patient and watchful all the time.

Best of Luck for your journey and keep sharing.

 

[believe]

I'm very scared. today is day 69, and after have PM around day 40, where my libido was coming back, I feel completely flat - like no sign of libido, even though I can feel morning erection happening right before waking up.
I'm wondering if I will ever feel normal again, if I will ever be able to fix this shit that has been completely made me miserable for the last few years.
I want to be myself, I don't want to hide or avoid my friends anymore: I have been avoiding social interaction because of this condition for so long that I feel lonely in my world. and that' s not ok. I would be and I am a completely different person, so full of life and so friendly, not this type of semi-always-depressed guy.

I really hope and pray that I will be able to win this battle, because otherwise it would be just a pity to have lived this life this way, such a waste.

I know I need to be confident and never give up, but I'm so tired and scared to feel this way.

Peace everyone, keep working day after day to a better version on ourselves.

 

[davenl]

I am reading quite a few threads around here in the 30 - 39 section about the suffering and beauty of rebooting. After reading a lot of articles on YBOP I concluded that our age category is "lucky" because most of us have pathways formed in a natural way, before highspeed internet would break into our lives. "Lucky" because this would shorten the reboot time that is needed to recover.

But when I am reading things here in the 30 - 39 section, it seems to make that it still takes ages to recover, or whatever that may be. Most guys go for 4 to 6 months and still don't feel like being rebooted en fully functional again. Or do I miss anything? Same goes for withdrawlsymtoms. On YBOP they are talking about a full reboot in 1 or 2 months, while here people are speaking about flatlines and urges long after that, even more than four months. Isn't that strange?

Do people make polls to see what average path is for the age category or is that 'not done'?

 

[believe]

It would be interesting to know an average period for our age. I understand the theory, we got hooked in our 20's, which should make things easier. But at the end of the day I think it's matter of how much and how long we had this wrong behavior.

the only thing I know right now is, I never felt so flat, and so hopeless. The only thing that can help me right now is the fact that people have healed, and that means that our body works that way. So we should just keep pushing and be consistent, find a peaceful mind and be patient, it will eventually happen.

It's just so difficult to live this withdrawal condition, painful and difficult to manage at a psychological level.

I guess never give up has to be our only mantra, visualizing the day we'll feel again ok. I don't even remember what it means to feel "normal" at this point though.