My NoFap attempt...

K

km

Member
I've been trying to reboot for the last few weeks and it's been going okay. However, I have been struggling to stop MO and MO'd last night again while in the shower so I thought I'd start a journal here in an attempt to help me stop.

I'm 32 and have been watching P since I was about 13. I started watching adult movies.. moved up to the 10-minute adult channel free-views .. and then gradually moved onto internet porn when I was about 25. My addiction to internet porn got progressively worse over the last 2-3 years - I started living on my own and it was just so easy to PMO 'cos there was never anyone around. I went through phases of trying to stop but never really had any reason other than saying to myself that this probably isn't healthy. But.. after a few weeks or maybe even a month or two I'd be back. Like most people I didn't really see the harm in PMOing even though I had ED issues almost all the time with girls - I never made the connection. I always put it down to anxieties and nerves, but I realise now that it was porn.

I've had girlfriends through my 20's but never really had a successful sexual relationship with any of them. I could get hard with them but it would never be that strong and would never last. I started avoiding sexual encounters and a lot of the time if I brought a woman home I would end up just going down on her for ages and then tell her I was "too drunk" to get hard or make up some other bullshit excuse to avoid sex! I even started avoiding dating girls because I couldn't face the embarrassment of my ED issues even though I knew they were ALL in my head - it was nothing physical. When I watched P I would be rock hard and could keep it hard for ages.

I have been going out with a girl for the last few months. I met her while on holiday and we hit it off straight away. We've had sex a few times but a lot of the time I would get hard, go inside her, and gradually get softer while inside. This left her feeling pretty shit (and me too) because she thought I was not attracted to her. When I came home I really want to get to the bottom of my ED issues and that's when I discovered PIED. I have to say that so any things triggered in my brain - everything started to make sense to me. This is the root of my ED issues. I was both ecstatic and deeply regretful. I can't believe all the time I've wasted on something that has caused me so many issues but really happy that I know what the issue is and that it is curable.

My girlfriend and I are trying to keep the relationship going even with the distance (some 5,000 miles) and I am trying to use the time apart to reboot / rewire so that when I see her again things will be different (hopefully). I have told her about my P issues and she completely understands. She still is unsure that I am truly attracted to her (which is understandable) but I really hope I can show her the issue is not with her, it's with my brain. She arrives in 53 days to stay with me for 6 weeks.

So, I have not PMO'd in months but I have MO'd while fantasising about P (which I guess is really the same thing). I am finding it very hard not to MO so if anyone has advice on that it would be great. I have been reading everyone's journals and they are a big help. Most people seem to go through a flatline but for me that isn't the case - maybe it just hasn't been long enough without MO!? To be clear, when I've MO'd since starting my reboot I have not fantasised about P (about three weeks so far).

Here's to 53 days of NoFap and a healthier brain / life !!
 
K

km

Member
Day 2

I've had urges to MO and urges to watch P most of the day. It has been a tough one. It was raining all day so I couldn't really leave the house - I ended up just staying in and watching football all day. It took my mind off P for a while at least. I went to the gym to swim in the evening but felt pretty crap when I was there. I felt bored and un-motivated so I left early and came home. Plus, seeing some of the girls in bathing suits really didn't help matters!

I had a really long convo with my g/f on Skype - so grateful to have her. We've been dealing with some issues lately other than my PIED so our convo's can get pretty heavy. I feel much better having spoken with her and decided to update my journal.

When I see girls lately I feel differently towards them - in a bad way. Its like my brain is trying to dream up new ways of getting the dopamine hit. I know myself that this is not who I am - I don't normally think these things about girls and really hope it will pass. I need to stop my brain from fantasising about them and just see them for what they are - other beautiful humans and not possible mistresses or fuck toys.

The weekends are usually the toughest for me so I'm actually glad tomorrow is Monday :) Working keeps me busy and my mind off things it shouldn't be thinking about!
 
T

that1beachguy

Active Member
You're doing the right stuff man, I know exactly what you mean about being inside a girl then getting soft, totally sucks. Just stay strong, whenever I get a craving I push it out of my mind and try to do something productive... (My kitchen is really really fucking clean right now), if the urge gets REALLY bad I come here and read the success stories or watch Gabes videos on YouTube, he's got some good advice... as far as objectifying women you don't even know... Do the best you can do, whenever I am at the gym I find myself drawn in from by their bodies but then I try to make eye contact , look at their smile... It will reveal a little bit about their personality and prevent you from objectifying them completely... Curious, did you tell your girl about your PIED? Or just about the porn? Cuz I started seeing a girl a little bit ago, and told her we should wait a little bit to have sex because I was afraid of not being able to perform, I was considering telling her but that's easier said than done. Good luck and I'll see you around the forum, you should start a counter, it helps
 
K

km

Member
Hey - thanks for your response. It really means a lot and it's really good advice you've given me. I told her about my PIED and about the kind of P I used to watch. To be honest, I was glad to tell her in a way. She thought I wasn't attracted to her and that's why I would go soft, so it was great for me to tell her that she wasn't the reason and that it was porn. I felt that she would want to work through this with me even before I told her so I had confidence in that - if I had just met her for the first time I am not sure she would have. But, I do think it's important to be honest - I know that's easier said than done. My girlfriend has a big fear now that she will never be enough for me which is totally understandable and it has brought up trust issues between us. It will be a long road for us but I am really glad to have her so if this relationship is worth something to you then maybe you should open up !? That would be my advice anyway ( not that you asked for it  :) ) If you have PIED issues I'll guess she'll find out one way or another anyway !?
 
K

km

Member
Day 3

Today has been a really good day. Not many urges to MO or watch P. I have a new sense of positivity and motivation to heal myself which had been lacking over the weekend. Work was really good - I wasn't distracted by anything and was focused all day. I had a really good convo with my g/f on Skype and she is feeling much better about things too. The only dampener on the day was that my fav soccer team, Arsenal, just lost! Oh well.. I even cooked a proper healthy dinner this evening which I haven't done in a few weeks - it felt good to both cook and eat it :) I am about to go to bed in a very good mood, ready to face another day tomorrow !!!
 
K

km

Member
Day 4

Another good day today. Work was very productive - got a lot of stuff done and felt a great sense of achievement at the end of the day! I went to the gym in the evening. I've started taking swimming lessons and today was my 4th in total - it was really good. I went into the deep end of a pool for the first time in my life. I know that's a little sad but I'm quite proud of myself :) I tried to focus more in the gym and not let my eyes / mind wander - I felt much better leaving the gym than I did a few days ago!

Chatted with my g/f for a while on Skype. We've decided to try and not have so many heavy conversations for a while unless they are needed. It is probably best for both of us. I know she is very much behind me and it feels awesome to have that ! We spent time chatting about music theory which was really interesting and fun!

Going to bed now feeling really positive that tomorrow is gonna be another good day :)
 
K

km

Member
Day 5

Another good day - still positive and grateful to be PMO and MO free ! I had some morning wood this morning - it wasn't very strong. I am not sure if I should try and imagine being with my g/f at this time to see if I can sustain my erection but I usually just ignore the morning wood and get out of bed. If anyone has any thoughts on this that would be cool to read.

I went for a run this evening. I ran 6 miles in < 45 mins which felt great - a new PB for me. I usually take the same route when I run and part of that route goes through a holiday caravan / camping park. This usually triggers thoughts in me about maybe catching a glimpse of some woman undressing in her caravan, or being asked to join a few young girls in their tent but thankfully today none of these thoughts came into my mind. I had ran straight passed it before I thought to myself "I usually have dirty thoughts running through there" - it felt like a big win for me! That was the best part of the run!

I am going for a massage tomorrow and I'm a little afraid that this will trigger something in me to MO when I get home. I just need to tell myself that these people are professionals and this will not turn into something sexual so don't fantasise about it that way. I feel ready !

Work was really good too - got a lot done and felt a sense of achievement at the end of it. Bring on tomorrow :)

 
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