I Can Do This

[Brodie]

OK, Here Goes

Let me confess.  I am one scared puppy.

At 58 years old and I have not gone without PMO for more than 24 hours, over the past 45 years. It wasn?t everyday when I started (at 13 years old) but I made up for it later.  I started with magazines and progressed through all possible changes in technology.  Magazines were collected, soft to hard. Those were hidden and maintained until I threw them out in disgust.  Then the cycle would repeat.  When VHS came out I rented players, made copies of rented videos and collected again. This process was repeated again and again. Next was dial up Internet with downloads. Finally, I was streaming everything through high speed Internet.  Some days I would repeat PMO up to 3-5 times a day, edging for hours on end. Each session was only to be a few minutes long. Hours later I would finally O. I would then look at the clock and realize I was out of control. I never finished thinking the time was well spent.

I wasted a lot of time with this behavior.

Now for a bit of background? I have been married for over 30 years to a wonderful woman. We raised two boys. They are now grown and on their own. My wife has known about my PMO habit and has never been judgmental. However, she has been frustrated with my lack of ambition, my lack of intimacy, and my distant behavior.  Over the years I talked to her about my concerns but was never able to stop.

Honestly, I am not sure what began this current attempt to break the cycle. I guess it was my wife saying, ?You know, you can download pod casts on sex addiction.? I started to search and then to listen. After that I found YBOP and the video that explained how porn affects the brain. I am now on my way to a week of no PMO.

I am still scared. I know that it will get harder before it gets better. I only recently (last two years?) had any problems with ED. I attributed it to being close to 60 but honestly; I now realize its direct connection to porn.

I want to stop. I need to stop. I am so glad to have found YBOP and Reboot Nation.

 

[Brodie]

Thanks guys,

Spend a lot of time yesterday working on this. Typically, when I was so intent on the computer, my wife would ask what I was looking at. I am a terrible lair so she could always tell. It was mother's day so she was a bit frustrated but understood when I talked to her later and told her the following

• I love her and want to be devoted to her, not porn
• I  registered on ReBoot.com
• I was starting a journal
• I put K9 filtering software on my computer
• I deleted 20 GB of files that were on a remote HD even though it had some non porn images I wanted to save. I didn't trust myself to find only those images and determined my healing was more important.

Together, we did go half way through the video Your Mind on Porn. I finished it later and she said she will finish it later. It wouldn't hurt me to see it again. We both found it a great help.

I read 10 Keys to Breaking Porn Addiction. Talked about how the author would get angry with his wife when he wanted sex and she didn't want to make love, and the distinction between those two acts.  She agreed that she didn't want to be responsible for satiating every time I was hurting. I express that I didn't want to do that either. I tried to explain I wanted to take responsibility for this.

I also identified one of my triggers. I am frequently alone during the day. I can see this will be a big challenge. I will work to reduce this trigger and try to stay busy and around other people. If I can't this journal will be close at hand.

Thanks again for your support

 

[neuenman]

Hi man, congrats on making the decision to quit, there's a lot of good people on the RN forum who will support you and encourage you. And yes, you can do this, you have a loving wife who is willing to help you and wants you to beat the addiction, this is a great asset in the fight that you'll have to face. I wish you the best of luck, be strong and single-minded, porn is no longer an option, fake women made out of pixels are no longer an option.

 

[Brodie]

Thanks.

I am still worried about the flatline that may be coming up. Things are relatively smooth right now and it is giving me what I feel is a false sense of security. I know it will get more difficult. It has me worried a bit.

I am also interested in setting up a "goal indicator" of 90 days. Seems like it would be impossible in the past. Now I want to do it. Looked around the site but I couldn't figure it out. I will keep looking.

 

[Brodie]

Here at work. Just wanted to make a short post on someone comments. Tried to be positive. And, I just broke out into a cold sweat. It has past but it was weird.

Moving forward as backward isn't an option.

 

[Brodie]

Figured out how to set up my goal of 90 days! It was kind of scary.

Freaked me out when I went to look at it and I had reset it back to zero. Amazing on how important it is to see the number of days of success.

I understand that a slip may occur and that I can't beat myself up if it happens. Just reset and move forward again. The look of the 0 days just took me by surprise. I guess it is good to realize you "told" a joke on yourself. Humor is pretty important.

 

[Brodie]

Not sure if was the coffee this morning or my mind working against me. I am very anxious and jumpy. I might back away from drinking espresso in the morning. Wife likes it but I don't need it.

BTW, I continue to talk to my wife about my struggles. Mentioned the acronym PMO. She thought it was Positive Mental Observation. Cracked up when she realized what it really means. Gotta love that woman. Her support and concern is heart felt and very much appreciated. 

 

[Brodie]

I have had her sit and watch the video. We had to stop halfway through but I went back to watch the end of it. Need to make sure she can finish it as well.

 

[Brodie]

Thanks guys.

Glad to hear your comments on the need to disclose ever last detail. I wondered if all the details were necessary. She supports me. She loves me. She knows I have been in a dark place but she doesn't have to be dragged through it too.

I will continue to discuss the struggle, just leave out the images of the war.

 

[Brodie]

Thanks again guys. You don't know how much I appreciate your thoughts and support. I am in this for the long haul. You being here makes it all possible.

 

[Brodie]

Gotta say, I am torn regarding the No Sex During Reboot concept.

When I talked to my wife and mentioned that concept, she said; you mean that when I... we can't mess around? Granted, before the reboot PMO was an big part of my life. We would go for stretches of up to a couple months without sex. I was getting off but only by myself. She was left alone. How selfish. Anyway, back to my train of thought. When she heard the idea of abstinence, she seemed perplexed and a bit disappointed.

Fast forward to today and I haven't PMO'ed but we have made love twice. Both times, I let her instigate it. Both times I thrilled she wanted to do it. Both times wasn't super hard until I entered her. Both times were fantastic! Both times, I just let the feelings wash over me as I embraced this amazing act of love. Both times were solely with her. If this is an indicator of the future, I am all for it! It seems to even give me strength and a purpose for continuing this journey.

I have continued to bring up the process and my thoughts regarding the Reboot process. Couple days ago I talked to her about someone's blog that stated they pouted when their wife wouldn't give them sex during the Reboot. If they were in bed, they would toss and turn, keeping the wife awake when they didn't get what they wanted. I told her I never wanted to do that. She agreed that she didn't want to be the "escape valve" for my emotional struggles. However, not being touched at all has been very stressful.

Anyway, I understand that the Reboot is an important process. One in which I want to succeed. I value the thoughts of you guys and am open to any thoughts or ideas.

 

[Brodie]

Thanks guys. You made me smile! Feels like I am doing something right.
:0)