I haven't PMOd in a little more than two weeks, and today I just deleted my stash: more than 500 gigs of high-def porn that I'd collected in over a decade of porn addiction. I'm 31 now, but I might as well start from the beginning.
My porn addiction started at a young age; sneaking magazines or watching late night soft-core stuff on Cinemax. Then came dial-up internet and Kazaa; videos were short, grainy clips but they were way better than pictures. When I was 17 I went away to a summer camp type thing, and a kid there taught me how to use IRC for downloading; I snagged two full-length videos off the camp's high speed internet and convinced my mother to get us cable internet ASAP. As a kid I was an awkward nerd, so of course I was still a virgin at this point; PMO was the only sexual satisfaction I had available.
At 18 I met my first real girlfriend; we'll call her F. She fell for me pretty hard, and for a while we had regular, steady sex. I still PMO'd on the side (which F was never happy about) and had some problems with DE, but didn't make the connection; I had always assumed it was because of the condoms. After about two years, we broke up. It wasn't related to sex or performance, we just grew apart. I didn't go back to PMO very hard; instead I had a string of short relationships and hookups, in all of which I performed fine.
After one of those short relationships went really sour (and I changed jobs to a night shift schedule) I stopped going out, talking to girls, etc. and fell pretty hard into World of Warcraft at it's launch; I was 21. This is when my porn addiction really dialed up to 11; I was PMOing all the time, multiple times a day sometimes, even occasionally at work. I was playing World of Warcraft during all of my waking hours, so I never went out to meet girls, I just PMO'd constantly. With high-speed internet I began amassing a vast collection; my tastes also became increasingly varied as vanilla porn didn't do it for me anymore. This continued for about 2.5 years, until I met my second serious girlfriend, A.
A and I met mostly by chance, and after a few weeks of dating we started sleeping together. Everything still worked fine; I could get an erection easily, and didn't experience DE (we weren't using condoms so I assumed I had been right with my previous assessment). I did have a very long refractory period, but didn't think that was a problem. For the first year or so, everything was great: I had quit WoW and I stopped PMOing. Eventually, however, I talked her into trying WoW and we both got addicted (again, in my case). At first, I was elated; after all, I'm not a loser for playing a game 8+ hours a day if a GIRL is playing right next to me, right!? Of course, the game eventually took over our lives; we stopped going out, we stayed up so late playing that neither of us had much of a sex drive, and WoW was all we had tying ourselves together. And obviously, when I stopped getting sex I went back to PMO; I had never deleted my collection. Although I had casually mentioned that I looked at porn, I didn't realize how much of an addict I was so of course A didn't see it either. After a few weeks on porn, the little sex we had been having evaporated; I just wasn't interested in her that way anymore. She wasn't as attractive to me as the porn.
As we started to get tired of World of Warcraft, our relationship began falling apart. We had a rough string of months and eventually broke up; the weekend before, A had complained to me about the lack of sex so we tried. I could barely get an erection, and after a bit of PIV I would go limp. I'd pull out, she'd use her hands or her mouth while I fantasized about porn, we'd go back to PIV and I'd go limp again. The night ended in tears; she blamed herself, I didn't know what to think. 'My dick works fine when I'm watching porn' I thought, 'so it's not me.' That had never happened before, so it didn't trigger any intense introspection. She moved out three days later.
The breakup hit me pretty hard, despite how bad things had been for a while. I've always been somewhat of an antisocial person, so I didn't run out there to meet anyway; I didn't want my heart broken again so I just hung out with dudes and played video games. And of course, PMO. So much PMO. I had learned the wonders of bittorrent, which opened the doors to any kind of porn imaginable, in glorious 1080p. After a year or so alone, I eventually wanted to be in a relationship again, or at least get laid. My first thought was to go to CL and look for a casual hookup; after a good deal of searching (wading through hordes of dudes and pros) I met up with an older woman who wanted us to mess around while her husband video taped it. I was a bit nervous, but the pic she sent looked pretty good so I went for it. I drove over to their house one night, and she was nowhere near as attractive as her picture. I wanted to just bolt, but the whole situation felt incredibly awkward so running out of there terrified me even more. We went up to their bedroom and started messing around; the whole situation was surreal. Her husband was laying, fully clothed, on the bed next to us while I messed around with his wife. My dick was flaccid the entire time; I went down on her for a bit, and she went to return the favor. After a few awkward minutes I managed to climax, but had never really gotten hard. She asked if I wanted to stay for some more, but all I wanted to do was run for the hills; she told me I could contact her again if I wanted, but I never did. I wrote the ED off to the awkwardness of the situation.
Several more years passed with nothing but PMO; I had tried CL a few more times but never felt comfortable meeting up with any of the few real people I encountered. Other online dating sites seemed to want too much personal info for a quick hookup, so I never really tried them. Insecure about myself and a bit depressed, I just wrote off relationships for a while.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when I started dating my current girlfriend, N. We had known each other since high school but had never been close; after a few weeks of online flirting via Facebook, I asked her out on a date and she said yes. Now, I had heard of NoFap as a concept and worried a bit about ED so I stopped PMOing immediately. After a few dates she texted me a few pics and I did MO, but no porn was involved. Then, we had our first sexual encounter; she lives with several other people and we were in her living room, so I was incredibly nervous. I pleasured her, but my dick was limp the entire time. When she went to return the favor, I couldn't get hard even with her using her hands and mouth. I wasn't really sure what was wrong, but I was incredibly embarrassed. I fired off several excuses that seemed plausible to me (she had been sitting on my lap awkwardly resting her weight on my penis, which had felt uncomfortable; I was also nervous because someone could walk in on us) and that was that. Until the next day, when we were messing around again (this time in my car) and I still couldn't get it up. My stomach hadn't been feeling well that day, so I used that as my reasoning both to her and myself.
The following weekend, we finally had some privacy: she agreed to crash at my place. We spent several hours on Saturday messing around; she was feeling very insecure the whole time, thinking that my ED was because she wasn't attractive or was doing something wrong. I did my best to reassure her that I found her attractive, but I still didn't really know what was wrong with me. With much coaxing, I managed a semi for PIV, and orgasmed almost immediately. This satisfied her (since she knew she could get me off) but the terror had begun to set in for me; if the best I could manage is a semi with my girlfriend naked in my bed, clearly I was broken. We fooled around a bit more that weekend, and I orgasmed once more from a semi while playing around but never actually got hard. Since then we haven't had a lot of privacy; we've had a bit of heavy petting and I did get slightly aroused for a little while but went limp very fast.
Over the past week and a half I've been doing research on YBOP; I've tried to get an erection with just my own hand (and even imagining N) but it doesn't work. Only when I watch porn can I get hard. So, today I deleted my whole collection; more than 500GB that I had neatly sorted into folders by category, collected since ~2001 (I still had those two videos I got off IRC years ago); I'm quitting PMO to fix my PIED. Sometime this week I'm going to have a serious talk with N, because I want this relationship to work, and I don't want to lose her because of my ED.
Whew, that felt good to get off my chest.
tl;dr: 31 year old dude with PIED, finally got a girl after years alone. Much PMO. WoW. Very limp, such ED.
My porn addiction started at a young age; sneaking magazines or watching late night soft-core stuff on Cinemax. Then came dial-up internet and Kazaa; videos were short, grainy clips but they were way better than pictures. When I was 17 I went away to a summer camp type thing, and a kid there taught me how to use IRC for downloading; I snagged two full-length videos off the camp's high speed internet and convinced my mother to get us cable internet ASAP. As a kid I was an awkward nerd, so of course I was still a virgin at this point; PMO was the only sexual satisfaction I had available.
At 18 I met my first real girlfriend; we'll call her F. She fell for me pretty hard, and for a while we had regular, steady sex. I still PMO'd on the side (which F was never happy about) and had some problems with DE, but didn't make the connection; I had always assumed it was because of the condoms. After about two years, we broke up. It wasn't related to sex or performance, we just grew apart. I didn't go back to PMO very hard; instead I had a string of short relationships and hookups, in all of which I performed fine.
After one of those short relationships went really sour (and I changed jobs to a night shift schedule) I stopped going out, talking to girls, etc. and fell pretty hard into World of Warcraft at it's launch; I was 21. This is when my porn addiction really dialed up to 11; I was PMOing all the time, multiple times a day sometimes, even occasionally at work. I was playing World of Warcraft during all of my waking hours, so I never went out to meet girls, I just PMO'd constantly. With high-speed internet I began amassing a vast collection; my tastes also became increasingly varied as vanilla porn didn't do it for me anymore. This continued for about 2.5 years, until I met my second serious girlfriend, A.
A and I met mostly by chance, and after a few weeks of dating we started sleeping together. Everything still worked fine; I could get an erection easily, and didn't experience DE (we weren't using condoms so I assumed I had been right with my previous assessment). I did have a very long refractory period, but didn't think that was a problem. For the first year or so, everything was great: I had quit WoW and I stopped PMOing. Eventually, however, I talked her into trying WoW and we both got addicted (again, in my case). At first, I was elated; after all, I'm not a loser for playing a game 8+ hours a day if a GIRL is playing right next to me, right!? Of course, the game eventually took over our lives; we stopped going out, we stayed up so late playing that neither of us had much of a sex drive, and WoW was all we had tying ourselves together. And obviously, when I stopped getting sex I went back to PMO; I had never deleted my collection. Although I had casually mentioned that I looked at porn, I didn't realize how much of an addict I was so of course A didn't see it either. After a few weeks on porn, the little sex we had been having evaporated; I just wasn't interested in her that way anymore. She wasn't as attractive to me as the porn.
As we started to get tired of World of Warcraft, our relationship began falling apart. We had a rough string of months and eventually broke up; the weekend before, A had complained to me about the lack of sex so we tried. I could barely get an erection, and after a bit of PIV I would go limp. I'd pull out, she'd use her hands or her mouth while I fantasized about porn, we'd go back to PIV and I'd go limp again. The night ended in tears; she blamed herself, I didn't know what to think. 'My dick works fine when I'm watching porn' I thought, 'so it's not me.' That had never happened before, so it didn't trigger any intense introspection. She moved out three days later.
The breakup hit me pretty hard, despite how bad things had been for a while. I've always been somewhat of an antisocial person, so I didn't run out there to meet anyway; I didn't want my heart broken again so I just hung out with dudes and played video games. And of course, PMO. So much PMO. I had learned the wonders of bittorrent, which opened the doors to any kind of porn imaginable, in glorious 1080p. After a year or so alone, I eventually wanted to be in a relationship again, or at least get laid. My first thought was to go to CL and look for a casual hookup; after a good deal of searching (wading through hordes of dudes and pros) I met up with an older woman who wanted us to mess around while her husband video taped it. I was a bit nervous, but the pic she sent looked pretty good so I went for it. I drove over to their house one night, and she was nowhere near as attractive as her picture. I wanted to just bolt, but the whole situation felt incredibly awkward so running out of there terrified me even more. We went up to their bedroom and started messing around; the whole situation was surreal. Her husband was laying, fully clothed, on the bed next to us while I messed around with his wife. My dick was flaccid the entire time; I went down on her for a bit, and she went to return the favor. After a few awkward minutes I managed to climax, but had never really gotten hard. She asked if I wanted to stay for some more, but all I wanted to do was run for the hills; she told me I could contact her again if I wanted, but I never did. I wrote the ED off to the awkwardness of the situation.
Several more years passed with nothing but PMO; I had tried CL a few more times but never felt comfortable meeting up with any of the few real people I encountered. Other online dating sites seemed to want too much personal info for a quick hookup, so I never really tried them. Insecure about myself and a bit depressed, I just wrote off relationships for a while.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when I started dating my current girlfriend, N. We had known each other since high school but had never been close; after a few weeks of online flirting via Facebook, I asked her out on a date and she said yes. Now, I had heard of NoFap as a concept and worried a bit about ED so I stopped PMOing immediately. After a few dates she texted me a few pics and I did MO, but no porn was involved. Then, we had our first sexual encounter; she lives with several other people and we were in her living room, so I was incredibly nervous. I pleasured her, but my dick was limp the entire time. When she went to return the favor, I couldn't get hard even with her using her hands and mouth. I wasn't really sure what was wrong, but I was incredibly embarrassed. I fired off several excuses that seemed plausible to me (she had been sitting on my lap awkwardly resting her weight on my penis, which had felt uncomfortable; I was also nervous because someone could walk in on us) and that was that. Until the next day, when we were messing around again (this time in my car) and I still couldn't get it up. My stomach hadn't been feeling well that day, so I used that as my reasoning both to her and myself.
The following weekend, we finally had some privacy: she agreed to crash at my place. We spent several hours on Saturday messing around; she was feeling very insecure the whole time, thinking that my ED was because she wasn't attractive or was doing something wrong. I did my best to reassure her that I found her attractive, but I still didn't really know what was wrong with me. With much coaxing, I managed a semi for PIV, and orgasmed almost immediately. This satisfied her (since she knew she could get me off) but the terror had begun to set in for me; if the best I could manage is a semi with my girlfriend naked in my bed, clearly I was broken. We fooled around a bit more that weekend, and I orgasmed once more from a semi while playing around but never actually got hard. Since then we haven't had a lot of privacy; we've had a bit of heavy petting and I did get slightly aroused for a little while but went limp very fast.
Over the past week and a half I've been doing research on YBOP; I've tried to get an erection with just my own hand (and even imagining N) but it doesn't work. Only when I watch porn can I get hard. So, today I deleted my whole collection; more than 500GB that I had neatly sorted into folders by category, collected since ~2001 (I still had those two videos I got off IRC years ago); I'm quitting PMO to fix my PIED. Sometime this week I'm going to have a serious talk with N, because I want this relationship to work, and I don't want to lose her because of my ED.
Whew, that felt good to get off my chest.
tl;dr: 31 year old dude with PIED, finally got a girl after years alone. Much PMO. WoW. Very limp, such ED.