chickaboomski
Active Member
Hey guys.
I am writing this, not as someone with a SO that has overcome PA, far from it. As a couple he hods the future of us in his hands. And he is far from out of the pit. More like someone sludging out of the edges, and moving forward, but I am anticipating him getting tired of fighting and the possibility he may lose his footing and slip. As partners who decide to stick around, support and continue to love in spite of all of the heartache and sole destroying consequences, as important as it is for our partners to be strong, it is even more so for us. This has the potential to wear us down to dust not even shadows of who we used to be. This has the potential to break us. I had no idea what I was feeling was normal until I found this forum. I had no idea what I was really up against until I did my research. I could not understand why, without taking it personally, the man I wanted to share my bed with, would rather sit up on the couch and not share it with me.
My SO is not a man who will end up here posting and gaining support, he is not a man who will admit in those words, I have a problem out aloud. But I do know he knows. His tears told me so. I tried every which way possible to make him realize what was happening to him, to us and to me. I slipped so low that I could not function in everyday life without it all coming to a massive crash. And by crash, I mean missing work, and running away to a friends house so I didn't have to go home to face it, ending up in a 2 day anxiety attack that needed lot's of Valium, and forced bed rest.
I needed something to change and I could no longer wait on someone to change. I had to be the change for me. So, with out being attacking, with out being aggressive, I told my SO that I can only control my actions, my thoughts, and my future. I can only choose what I want in my life, I can not choose for him. And I choose not have porn in my life, I choose not to feel inadequate, lonely, depressed and anxious. I told him I love him, I would like him to be part of my future, part of a family, but I do not want this man he has become. And if having like this or not at all were the only options, I would rather not at all. I told him I didn't care what he chose, that I would be ok. I told him, that if his choice meant finding himself again, I would fall in love all over again, because that man he used to be was irresistible to me. I was not walking away as yet, but I was clearly setting the motions in place for when I had to. I was disconnecting from sharing a bed space, I was no longer in standby. I was taking action for me rather than reacting to him.
Having peace within yourself that this is not our fault. Hearing excuses that unknowingly to them breaks us inside, all of the questions why, how, wtf? The limbo of waiting for them to get their shit together before we can live. The hardest part for me thus far, was taking the step into not making it about me, but bringing back to me control over my future and my actions. Not hating him for being stuck, not hating me for choosing my sanity. Because when you get as close to the edge that I was at, there has to be some kind of self intervention to save yourself. I am not long out of the darkest days of waiting on anothers actions to control my future. But I do know this. I know that should I have to take the next step, I will be ok, because my focus is on being the best I can be. And by being the best I can be, I deserve nothing less than someone who wants to be the best they can be. This has nothing to do with strategy but everything to do with state of mind. And sometimes, leading the way as has been the case thus far (again, journey just begun), has seen him joining me, not following my lead, but stepping up beside me. In my head, I clear boundaries for what I will tolerate, and what I wont. I have self respect back. I am focusing on what I have the power to do, to change,to be myself. I will continue to love my SO, but I will keep my wall heart and mind protected from his actions. They are his to decide and follow through with. This is not a selfish act, this is self preservation. This was going to break me. This was a choice between life and death is the truth be told. I was damned if I was going to allow porn of all things destroy me, when life has failed to break me thus far after some really tough life experiences. I was not going to allow that to be my story. It is possible to do this, while being loving and supporting. Take time for you. Write out a bucket list of things YOU want from life, things you want to achieve, things you want to do. Ask yourself if you continue on your current path the likelyhood of these happening. Then if not, what needs to change. Then, not what others can do, but what you can do. It is all about attitude and state of mind. You are worthy of love, to be desired, to be happy. What is not worth it, is the false hope that your happiness lies in the hands of another. I am writing this as I have seen the new comers where I just come from, I see your frustration and pain and feel it too. This made me realize I am no longer one of the babies of this group. I still have a lot to learn and suggest you listen to ladieslike Steam Rolled and Gracie, who have stories that will give you hope that it is all possible. I am just here saying this, because the importance of feeding your own soul is more important than trying to change another.
Xx
I am writing this, not as someone with a SO that has overcome PA, far from it. As a couple he hods the future of us in his hands. And he is far from out of the pit. More like someone sludging out of the edges, and moving forward, but I am anticipating him getting tired of fighting and the possibility he may lose his footing and slip. As partners who decide to stick around, support and continue to love in spite of all of the heartache and sole destroying consequences, as important as it is for our partners to be strong, it is even more so for us. This has the potential to wear us down to dust not even shadows of who we used to be. This has the potential to break us. I had no idea what I was feeling was normal until I found this forum. I had no idea what I was really up against until I did my research. I could not understand why, without taking it personally, the man I wanted to share my bed with, would rather sit up on the couch and not share it with me.
My SO is not a man who will end up here posting and gaining support, he is not a man who will admit in those words, I have a problem out aloud. But I do know he knows. His tears told me so. I tried every which way possible to make him realize what was happening to him, to us and to me. I slipped so low that I could not function in everyday life without it all coming to a massive crash. And by crash, I mean missing work, and running away to a friends house so I didn't have to go home to face it, ending up in a 2 day anxiety attack that needed lot's of Valium, and forced bed rest.
I needed something to change and I could no longer wait on someone to change. I had to be the change for me. So, with out being attacking, with out being aggressive, I told my SO that I can only control my actions, my thoughts, and my future. I can only choose what I want in my life, I can not choose for him. And I choose not have porn in my life, I choose not to feel inadequate, lonely, depressed and anxious. I told him I love him, I would like him to be part of my future, part of a family, but I do not want this man he has become. And if having like this or not at all were the only options, I would rather not at all. I told him I didn't care what he chose, that I would be ok. I told him, that if his choice meant finding himself again, I would fall in love all over again, because that man he used to be was irresistible to me. I was not walking away as yet, but I was clearly setting the motions in place for when I had to. I was disconnecting from sharing a bed space, I was no longer in standby. I was taking action for me rather than reacting to him.
Having peace within yourself that this is not our fault. Hearing excuses that unknowingly to them breaks us inside, all of the questions why, how, wtf? The limbo of waiting for them to get their shit together before we can live. The hardest part for me thus far, was taking the step into not making it about me, but bringing back to me control over my future and my actions. Not hating him for being stuck, not hating me for choosing my sanity. Because when you get as close to the edge that I was at, there has to be some kind of self intervention to save yourself. I am not long out of the darkest days of waiting on anothers actions to control my future. But I do know this. I know that should I have to take the next step, I will be ok, because my focus is on being the best I can be. And by being the best I can be, I deserve nothing less than someone who wants to be the best they can be. This has nothing to do with strategy but everything to do with state of mind. And sometimes, leading the way as has been the case thus far (again, journey just begun), has seen him joining me, not following my lead, but stepping up beside me. In my head, I clear boundaries for what I will tolerate, and what I wont. I have self respect back. I am focusing on what I have the power to do, to change,to be myself. I will continue to love my SO, but I will keep my wall heart and mind protected from his actions. They are his to decide and follow through with. This is not a selfish act, this is self preservation. This was going to break me. This was a choice between life and death is the truth be told. I was damned if I was going to allow porn of all things destroy me, when life has failed to break me thus far after some really tough life experiences. I was not going to allow that to be my story. It is possible to do this, while being loving and supporting. Take time for you. Write out a bucket list of things YOU want from life, things you want to achieve, things you want to do. Ask yourself if you continue on your current path the likelyhood of these happening. Then if not, what needs to change. Then, not what others can do, but what you can do. It is all about attitude and state of mind. You are worthy of love, to be desired, to be happy. What is not worth it, is the false hope that your happiness lies in the hands of another. I am writing this as I have seen the new comers where I just come from, I see your frustration and pain and feel it too. This made me realize I am no longer one of the babies of this group. I still have a lot to learn and suggest you listen to ladieslike Steam Rolled and Gracie, who have stories that will give you hope that it is all possible. I am just here saying this, because the importance of feeding your own soul is more important than trying to change another.
Xx
