I am my own worst enemy

[Broken73]

Hi. I'm relatively new here.

I am about 7 months pregnant and last month my husband told me that he's committing to trying to reboot. We installed the K9 software and blocked sites and did all that I know how to do. Since we discussed everything and put these new filters in place, I still get the feeling that he's not as PMO-free as he'd like me to think he is. I know it's difficult for him, and I'm really trying to be as supportive as I can. I'm sure the whole situation is much more difficult on me now than it would have been, say a year ago, because I am 7 months pregnant and very hormonal.

I can't help but think that whenever he's home alone (when I leave for work and either he doesn't have to leave yet or he is off for the day), he's giving in to his desires. I can't help but think that when I go to bed earlier than him (which is often - he's usually up until 12:30/1am and I can't do that), he's sitting at his computer looking for whatever he can find.

I'm sure it's not as I think...I know he plays video games a lot and I'm sure he's not looking for whatever P he can find every second of the day. I just don't know how to really convince myself of that.  We don't have a completely open dialogue about this. He has asked me to respect his privacy, which I do, but it just makes me feel crazy. He says he'll tell me of any resets when he feels that he can and to know that he feels guilty when he does reset. I don't believe he will actually tell me because he knows how bad it hurts me. I think he will just keep not talking to me about it, so I can keep thinking he's doing great, even when he's not. I can't say I blame him for not wanting to tell me right now, because it is so hard on me. It hurts me to the point where I can't do anything but cry about it. Now, I know I'm very hormonal lately, but I also just don't know what to do. I'm having a hard time at work and I'm having a harder time at home than anyone knows.

What do you, as other SOs/spouses/partners, do? How do you look past the slip-ups and continue supporting your person, but not putting yourself in an awful never-ending cycle of hurt and sadness? How do you get through each day? I'm sure he'll probably read this (he's the person who told me about this site), but I've told him how I feel. I'm not one for ultimatums, so "fix it or get out" is not really something I'd do, nor something I want to do. I'm also not considering divorce. I'm looking to help and support him in any way I can without sacrificing my life/sanity/happiness anymore.

Sorry, this is longer than I was intending. Thank you for reading this.

 

[chpcbr]

I'd say give him some time and trust and look out for signs of improvement. What led him to rebooting? Were you caught by surprise by his coming out?

 

[Broken73]

Thank you for your reply.  I first found out about his struggle right after our 1 year wedding anniversary. We had been together for 5 years total and I had no clue up to that point. We talked about it a little then and after that I sort of just assumed he was working on it/getting better. I guess that was just me being naive about it.  I think what sparked the want to reboot was the birth of our nephew. He realized that he's had a lack of emotion and it made him nervous that he wouldn't feel emotions at the birth of our baby. So, 4 years later from when I was first shocked by his secret, he took the initiative to talk to me about setting up filters and whatnot. That in itself is a huge step, I know.

I think I have such a hard time trusting that he wants this and is trying to reboot because I feel like the first 5 years of our relationship (and one year of marriage) consisted of him hiding this very important part of his life from me. I'm not saying I wouldn't have married him if I knew before hand, but I wish I had known so I could make sure that I was doing what was right for me, too.

 

[double trouble]

Hi Broken, i can fully understant your worries and fear, especialy now your pregnant. It already is very hard for a " normal" woman so with those hormones i quess it is even harder.
I read a comment here from a lady who said: it is his responsebility and we must leave it to them. We cannot put our whole lives on hold for his adiction. You have to enjoy your pregnancy. Do'nt let his adiction ruin this very special time in your live. Try to step away from it a bit. No sence in worrying al the time because there is nothing you can do but wait what will happen, and hopefuly you'll begain to see some changes in time with him. I know it is easy to say, i myself am struggling not to think about it al day and night. But then i try to remember those words of that woman and trying to take a bit of my life back. Sorry for my english, it is not my home language.
come on try to enjoy and live your live a little. His adiction is not all in the world there is.

Stay strong, greets double trouble

 

[chpcbr]

Thank you for your contribution, Broken73.

I am a man but I obviously cannot speak for the category or for your husband. But there is one thing I would like to point out: you say he hid something important from you, and it's probably true, at least in part.
Now, abusers and addicts are often in denial, at least partially, about the negative impact their habit is having on their lives. And we're talking about well-known substances, legal or not, whose effects and risks when abusing are public, well established knowledge, something they give you classes in school and so on. On the contrary, watching porn and masturbating is, in the eye of the public, a harmless "hobby" that women don't like (I'm generalizing, of course) but can tolerate, something like going to the stip club or having those boys only nights of beer, bongs and videogames even though you're not a teenage anymore.

The sheer concept that porn can be abused, or even addictive, that its negative impact can go beyond distracting you from real partners for that day... it's all new, all uncharted territory that people discover mostly on their own, unless they stumble or are led on sites like this before they realize that 1) they have a problem 2) their problem is porn-related. Some of the effects are pretty counter-intuitive and hard to pinpoint when you're doing some self-managed, empirical tests.

Imagine you realize you're a little bit too much into porn, you realize you're a bit less interested in girls (or your partner), you realize your sexual performance is becoming increasingly lackluster.
You make a tentative cause-effect connection and quit porn and masturbation for 7-10 days. You'd espect to be hungry like the wolf, horny as hell and a stallion in bed. But instead, if you reached the critical point, you find yourself in what people call the flatline, a complete lack of libido and ability to perform. Let me tell you, unless you've been reading YBOP and here, you'll never see that as a sign porn is doing damage to you! Instead, you'll probably think you're in a low mojo period and it will just go away. And you'll probably resume your habit which you concluded were harmless.

In addtition to all that, admitting an addiction is never fun and this addiction is not particularly glamourous... I would have preferred admitting an addiction to drugs or booze, for sure!

What I am saying is your husband probably hid it from you in part, but he also hid it from himself and didn't even know what was going on until a certain point.

I hope I gave you some perspective and I wish you to be able to reconnect with him, without losing yourself in the process.

 

[chickaboomski]

Regretful Welcome DT, if you know what I mean. You are pregnant, hormonal and every sense is high right now. I can not imagine the extent of your emotions. The fact your partner lead you here and acknowledges his problem is a major, major plus. The damage this does to us as partners trying to walk the line of being supportive and not losing ourselves is so fine in a setting without the added stress of carrying a child with hopes and dreams on top of a whirlwind of  hormonal emotions I assume would make it even more devastating and heavy. You are an amazing loving woman for supporting your partner in his reboot, and the worry of what happens while your not around is normal for all of us. This is heartbreaking for us. I always thought it would have been easirr knowing my SO was having an affair so that I could walk away knowing he had done wrong somehow seemed easy to bare, because thats how messed up this makes us partners. I advise that you find some sort of comfort in the fact he is aware. There are 5 stages of addiction recovery. Addiction, Awareness, consideration/planning, action, maintaining. Addicts can slip from any stage back to the start so advise you to take an emotional step back and focus on you and your beautiful bundle on the way. Also. I know you said you don't want to give ultimatums but I do think you need to consider what y
Ou are willing to accept and put up with and ask yourself exactly wht you wantt for you and your babies future. And talk about thos with your SO. It does not have to be an agressive conversation. It can be done in a loving way. But you are going t
O be a mother, a role model. And your partner is going to be a father and a role model. So ask him what
Sort of example he wants set for his child
to see in relaionships. A loving, open honest relationship with communication? There will be a lot of hurt. But if he is taking action, that is awesome! Just remeber all of your emotions are normal. It is hard to trust them. It is hard to recover from the pain. So love yourself. Tell yourself everyday how wonderful you are. And stay posting here talking to others. Xx good luck

 

[OMG]

good luck.. God bless..

 

[Broken73]

Thank you all for your replies.  I am very happy that I decided to post on here. I know that there's no way that I was actually going through this alone, but since it is such a private thing (and not technically our thing to talk about with others), it's difficult to feel like you're not alone. Thank you all for your thoughts/suggestions/good wishes. I have a lot that I need to think about and a lot to talk to my husband about, provided I find the courage.

Double Trouble, thank you for reminding me of the fact that it is really ultimately his decision/responsibility. I will do what I can to support him and help him if there is anything that I am actually able to do, but it really comes down to him. In 7 more weeks I will have our baby girl to look after and worry about and enjoy. I will work more on focusing on the good things in my life and not just my fears.

Chpcbr, thank you for pointing out that it wasn't that he necessarily hid this from me, but he probably had a hard time acknowledging his addiction in himself.  I agree that it must be "easier" to confess to having an addiction to drugs or alcohol, instead of this - not that any addiction is easy to confess to. I'm hoping that one day soon he'll be able to talk to me freely about what he's going through without me feeling hurt or any experiencing other negative feelings. As a woman, I tend to like to fix things. I can give the whole "that sucks" response and just let people vent, but for the most part I try to help think of ways to fix things. The fact that this is 100% not fixable by me makes it even harder for me. I love him more than I can put into words and to see him hurt like this breaks my heart. I wish there was some way I could just fix it all.

Chickaboomski, thank you for your insight. I agree that the fact that my husband has directed me to this site and YBOP so that I can have a better understanding of what he is going through is a good thing.  The fact that he came to me about putting filters and things on his computer (and every other device he uses) makes me feel like he is serious about this. He has told me that things have been difficult, but he is starting to get better. I have read some of your previous posts and appreciate you sharing your experiences with others on the board. I understand what you mean about almost wishing it was an affair - in my darkest moments I felt the same way. At least if it was an affair, our unhappiness would be because of something that was a conscious decision, which would validate our unhappiness and would be a reason for leaving. But, from what I know about addictions (which isn't much, really), they are issues with how the brain actually works. I can't hold that against him. I do find some comfort in the fact that he is aware. I also find comfort in the fact that he was proactive about it and came to me about helping him. I like to think he's somewhere around step 3 or 4 in his recovery. You are very right - I do need to think about what I am willing to accept in my and my baby's future. I have told him in the recent past that I want our relationship to be a positive role model for our daughter. I want her to look at us and have appropriate expectations for her own husband. I want her to see us communicating. I want her to see us argue, but talk about our arguments and come to a resolution together. Our love is not perfect. I don't know of anyone who has a perfect love. But I want her to see that what we have is a healthy relationship with conflict, resolution, patience, and respect.

OMG, thank you for your good wishes and blessings.

I hope we can all find some peace soon. Have a great weekend.

 

[chpcbr]

No problem. I also wish you you'll be able to talk with compete openness with your partner, things will certainly get easier. What do you mean when you say this is not 100% fixable?

 

[Broken73]

Chpcbr - I just mean that it's ultimately up to him. I can't do anything to fix it. All I can do is support him and his actions.

 

[ulaozin]

Hello Broken73

I wish you best luck with your husband. I can only try to share my situation as an addict with a 11 years relationship, and I hope it can be of some help for you both.

I have a good communication with my wife, but there are some aspects of addiction that I don't want to discuss with her and she doesn't want to hear. For example, the escalation process, it is how over the years an addict start to se more graphic porn.

But there are things that you can share, and see the mutual reaction. I just told in a previous post that in my last relapse, my wife had a bad response. Seeing her so mad was terrible, but it somehow reinforced my conviction that I don't want to see her again like that, and I don't want to hide anything from her. So if I have a new relapse I will probably tell her again.

I don't know if it would work for you both, or how much you can handle right now, but something tells me that if you are here saying that you feel like he is hiding something from you, maybe this feeling is an urge to be more updated about his recovery. So maybe you want to know and you have the strength to deal with his relapse, even if it makes you cry. If he doesn't find a way to tell you, he can find a way to show you. He can update his counter and show it at intervals, or give you the password.

Sometimes when my wife is angry, she tells me that I have no right for privacy, at least for now. Sometimes she wants to know exactly what I am doing, sometimes she relax a little bit and leave me alone or trust me with the computer. On the other hand, I'm constantly trying to show her my improvements. And even when I relapse, I try to see this as a part of the process, and get back on track again fast. Because guilt and self-hate can be powerfull triggers for addiction. At last, I think that the "respect my privacy" statement can be convenient for him, but it's not for you.

Anyway, I'm saying to much. I will try to be more short. There are a few things that I want to say for him:

1- I'm also compulsive with games. It is possible (and common) to replace and overlap compulsions. You can go from porn to videogames, and from it to food disorder and social networks, and all the way back to porn. In my case it feels much easier to stop playing games first than stop pmo, but I think it can vary. I'm the kind of lonely singleplayer. But if he plays competitive multiplayer games, stop playing then can be very hard, because he loses all his network of friends.

2- Exercise, exercise, exercise everyday. (this is actually number 1, it is more efficient than medication).

3- You probably have a lot of expenses because of your future baby. But, if you can afford it, look for a therapy or even a psychiatrist. There are medications that helps with addiction, and its common to have a depression together with addiction. I'm saying this because he knows this site for 4 or 5 years, and even so he have dificult getting on track, so maybe he needs a plus extra help. I've started therapy, and I'm looking for a psychiatrist. I have no shame on that. Anyway, It is possible to have a genetic predisposition to compulsive behaviour. (which I have, from my family background, from both parents and grandparents)

There is one last thing I want to say to you both. You are going to have a beautifull little ball of cuteness. Enjoy it! This little miraculous creature have her own demands and needs that doesn't have anything to do with his addiction. I think it's a very legitimate goal to recover and be a better parent for her, but on the other hand, she can't be anyone's saviour, that is to much pressure for children to carry. In the near future your family will have a new member, with her on personality to build, and her first years are very important for a series of developments. This is the time to remember your both childhoods, to remember the feeling of playing with toys, and doing that again with your little pup.