Hi everyone, my name is Jamie. I'm new to this site and fairly new to realizing I'm the partner of a sex addict.
I've read thru several of the topics posted here and I do believe this is where we belong right now. I'm trying to become more educated on the entire thing in general and, of course, how to be supportive and understanding. That is my biggest challenge.
About nine months after we were married, I got a random text to my phone from his ex wife (never heard much from her otherwise), telling me that he is addicted to contacting women online and so on, so on. I had heard from my husband early on that when they first split (5 years ago) she had told his family a lot of things about him but they were all untrue, eh hmm.
It didn't bother me at first because my husband is a true gentleman. He is kind, compassionate, wonderful step father to my daughters, he has shown me SO much love and never, ever let me down. But ultimately I caved over her statements to me. I wondered, woman to woman, why she'd take the time to tell me that for NO reason at all. And I was right to cave. It was all true. Every bit of it and then some.
In October I discovered, thru my own searches of a username I got wind of, a couple profiles on dating sites looking for nsa relationships. Also, a lot of pictures of him. Naked and masturbating. Apparently, when you go on certain sites and turn your webcam on, they can capture stills and then at least three dozen other third party sites for the same purpose, pick them up. There were a lot of them. I confronted him and he denied any wrong doings going on NOW. Assured me they were old and had loveless previous relationship, etc. etc. And that during that time he was not really ready, nor had time to meet people in real life. Okay?
So, in Feb I'm still so curious about this and search again using the same names, (now I know a couple more from the first search). I opened his computer and discovered Skype on there, and when I pressed the mouse at username, it autofilled and I died inside. I come up with MORE stuff this time. In fact, NEWER, very recent pictures of him - again the same type of stills from the webcam site. So I realize he's still up to it. Now, I just feel dumb and confronted him again. He said nothing this time though, except for he was sorry. I got really mad and kind of lost my cool over this. Really all I'm thinking is WOW... he's a damn good liar. It pissed me off because it was not the man I knew. Far from it. Here's where things begin to add up for me (Hindsight). He did admit in an awkward way that he was very concerned about his -HIS WORDS- inability to keep an erection. I've never had ONE complaint, haha. But I knew he had used Viagra, he just never told me. So, during this second time, he found a 'sex therapist' online to teach him techniques to maintain and keep one. Only now does he also admit to taking Viagra but said he never liked how it made him feel so he didn't use it. Okay?
Fast forward for the last time to April, when I am searching again. My trust for him is out the window at this point and things just don't add up to me. Once again, I find more stuff. An abundance MORE, more than I bargained for. Twitter account following hundreds of camgirls, almost every webcam site, paypal accounts, purchases for shows, pics, phone sex, multiple email accounts, craigslist, backpage, constantly looking up phone numbers to search for info on women, accounts to find fwb that had been created AFTER our discussion in Feb. Even an account at a popular provider review site if you know what I mean, where they are called 'hobbyists'. So I confronted him AGAIN and actually did it by making him log into his pay pal account in front of me. He knew he was doomed.
After all of this there are a few things I know: He had a lengthy previous history with paying for sex - before me, that he cannot own up to. With me, I'm not sure but not going to be naive about it. I cannot prove anything there. He WAS taking his viagra because he refilled it all thru out last year and I'm convinced he took it only for his online activities. (I mean, if he's so concerned about ED, fapping should cure that, right?
) I discovered that while he traveled about an hour out of town one time last year to see his mother in the hospital, he made a pit stop after he left and withdrew about $200. I don't know what happened for sure but it's pretty bad when you use your mother being in the hospital as an opportunity to be sneaky.
It's been lie, after lie, after lie, after LIE. I realize you partners know this and to the best of my understanding that's part of being an addict. I do not know for sure but, believe he is a sex addict in general, and addicted to porn. Maybe they're one in the same. What is it?? Now that I know his history (straight from the computer) it was day in and day out of the same thing .... looking up women to view pics, looking for women who do skype shows, watching porn, combing thru craigslist and back page with a fine tooth comb, etc.
We have gone to counseling a few times, and he goes with me. I am concerned that it's a little bit a part of the facade. This is a man who, otherwise, you'd have NO idea this was going on. Many of us share that I think. He's contradicted himself on some things trying to explain this but he's been patient with my ranting and raving over this. He continues to assure me that is changed now and realizes what he was doing and how it impacted us. He says he's changed now cause he knows I'm done. I try to encourage him and in fact, sent him an article lastnight from wholehearedmasculine that featured a video from Gabe (I know now. He was receptive to it. And it's where I found this site.
From all the ways I've become educated about this now, I realize it's a LONG journey and doesn't happen overnight. Little scared for him because he wants to and says he can quit cold turkey (we have parental controls on pc, but that has not stopped him). Im concerned he's just setting himself up for failure if he doesn't get real about it and then I will be out the door. I do feel like he's had plenty of opportunity to straighten things out (this has been going on now, for a LONG time and long before me). But like I said, we talked about this reboot. He says he's rebooting. I don't believe him at all but I want to.
Thank you for listening to my story. Trying to say positive.
Jamie
I've read thru several of the topics posted here and I do believe this is where we belong right now. I'm trying to become more educated on the entire thing in general and, of course, how to be supportive and understanding. That is my biggest challenge.
About nine months after we were married, I got a random text to my phone from his ex wife (never heard much from her otherwise), telling me that he is addicted to contacting women online and so on, so on. I had heard from my husband early on that when they first split (5 years ago) she had told his family a lot of things about him but they were all untrue, eh hmm.
It didn't bother me at first because my husband is a true gentleman. He is kind, compassionate, wonderful step father to my daughters, he has shown me SO much love and never, ever let me down. But ultimately I caved over her statements to me. I wondered, woman to woman, why she'd take the time to tell me that for NO reason at all. And I was right to cave. It was all true. Every bit of it and then some.
In October I discovered, thru my own searches of a username I got wind of, a couple profiles on dating sites looking for nsa relationships. Also, a lot of pictures of him. Naked and masturbating. Apparently, when you go on certain sites and turn your webcam on, they can capture stills and then at least three dozen other third party sites for the same purpose, pick them up. There were a lot of them. I confronted him and he denied any wrong doings going on NOW. Assured me they were old and had loveless previous relationship, etc. etc. And that during that time he was not really ready, nor had time to meet people in real life. Okay?
So, in Feb I'm still so curious about this and search again using the same names, (now I know a couple more from the first search). I opened his computer and discovered Skype on there, and when I pressed the mouse at username, it autofilled and I died inside. I come up with MORE stuff this time. In fact, NEWER, very recent pictures of him - again the same type of stills from the webcam site. So I realize he's still up to it. Now, I just feel dumb and confronted him again. He said nothing this time though, except for he was sorry. I got really mad and kind of lost my cool over this. Really all I'm thinking is WOW... he's a damn good liar. It pissed me off because it was not the man I knew. Far from it. Here's where things begin to add up for me (Hindsight). He did admit in an awkward way that he was very concerned about his -HIS WORDS- inability to keep an erection. I've never had ONE complaint, haha. But I knew he had used Viagra, he just never told me. So, during this second time, he found a 'sex therapist' online to teach him techniques to maintain and keep one. Only now does he also admit to taking Viagra but said he never liked how it made him feel so he didn't use it. Okay?
Fast forward for the last time to April, when I am searching again. My trust for him is out the window at this point and things just don't add up to me. Once again, I find more stuff. An abundance MORE, more than I bargained for. Twitter account following hundreds of camgirls, almost every webcam site, paypal accounts, purchases for shows, pics, phone sex, multiple email accounts, craigslist, backpage, constantly looking up phone numbers to search for info on women, accounts to find fwb that had been created AFTER our discussion in Feb. Even an account at a popular provider review site if you know what I mean, where they are called 'hobbyists'. So I confronted him AGAIN and actually did it by making him log into his pay pal account in front of me. He knew he was doomed.
After all of this there are a few things I know: He had a lengthy previous history with paying for sex - before me, that he cannot own up to. With me, I'm not sure but not going to be naive about it. I cannot prove anything there. He WAS taking his viagra because he refilled it all thru out last year and I'm convinced he took it only for his online activities. (I mean, if he's so concerned about ED, fapping should cure that, right?
) I discovered that while he traveled about an hour out of town one time last year to see his mother in the hospital, he made a pit stop after he left and withdrew about $200. I don't know what happened for sure but it's pretty bad when you use your mother being in the hospital as an opportunity to be sneaky. It's been lie, after lie, after lie, after LIE. I realize you partners know this and to the best of my understanding that's part of being an addict. I do not know for sure but, believe he is a sex addict in general, and addicted to porn. Maybe they're one in the same. What is it?? Now that I know his history (straight from the computer) it was day in and day out of the same thing .... looking up women to view pics, looking for women who do skype shows, watching porn, combing thru craigslist and back page with a fine tooth comb, etc.
We have gone to counseling a few times, and he goes with me. I am concerned that it's a little bit a part of the facade. This is a man who, otherwise, you'd have NO idea this was going on. Many of us share that I think. He's contradicted himself on some things trying to explain this but he's been patient with my ranting and raving over this. He continues to assure me that is changed now and realizes what he was doing and how it impacted us. He says he's changed now cause he knows I'm done. I try to encourage him and in fact, sent him an article lastnight from wholehearedmasculine that featured a video from Gabe (I know now
. He was receptive to it. And it's where I found this site. From all the ways I've become educated about this now, I realize it's a LONG journey and doesn't happen overnight. Little scared for him because he wants to and says he can quit cold turkey (we have parental controls on pc, but that has not stopped him). Im concerned he's just setting himself up for failure if he doesn't get real about it and then I will be out the door. I do feel like he's had plenty of opportunity to straighten things out (this has been going on now, for a LONG time and long before me). But like I said, we talked about this reboot. He says he's rebooting. I don't believe him at all but I want to.
Thank you for listening to my story. Trying to say positive.
Jamie