I've come to the point in my life where I realize that porn isn't helping me, and could be the foundation of most of my problems.
My first encounter with sex was with my babysitter. I watched her fool around with her partner and that's the first time I became aroused. Shortly there after I was molested by an older boy. I was only in grade three at the most. I didn't like it, and didn't understand it was wrong, I just knew I didn't like it. Then I moved to a new city. A small town to be exact, where I met a friend. I went over to his house and he played his Dads adult movie, a famous one I later learned in life. It was very confusing, the flooding of sexual energy I had. That was when I learned to masturbate. I got home and while in the middle of it my mother caught me, and gave me a hug goodnight. I felt very embarrassed about it, and the next day my mother and my new friends mother teased me about it. Something that was private became very public. I was grounded a lot, and to enforce strict punishment I was only aloud to have books in my room. No toys, or tv. Because I needed to keep busy I would masturbate and sleep to pass the time. I could always count on masturbation to make me feel better. The highschool boy who lived downstairs invited me to go camping with him, where I was molested for the second time in my life. I again at the time didn't know it was wrong, but he didn't arouse me which I found confusing. But I was more concerned as to why he could ejaculate and I couldn't.... So my focus was purely on the day I would finally ejaculate. As I became a teenager, and started taking sex ed classes I realized that I knew more about sex than the other students. Which in restropect I can understand was because of my hypersexuality of being molested and introduced to porn at such an early age. I noticed things were getting weird when I moved to another small town. I took me about twenty minutes to bike down an old road before I saw my friends house, and I couldn't make it all the way without masturbating on the side of the road. I was always paranoid that if a car came down I would get caught. This is around the time I started to develop scabs on my penis because I would masturbate so much that I tore the skin. As bad as this all may sound it's not as bad as it is now. The positive thing was that I was still attracted to women, and I started to date, and I didn't have erectile dysfunction. Everything seemed great. Later on in my teenage years I developed early onset schizophrenia. To understand schizophrenia in a gist, you deceive yourself and hear things that characterize you as the complete opposite of who you know you are. Which is why it's so debilitating. You then start to build paranoid delusions as to why it's happening. One of my delusions was that the world would end when I masturbated 666 times. I didn't know when it was going to happen, but I knew I was pretty close, only being seventeen. In reality I had probably already passed it without even knowing twice over. I struggled through failed medication, obesity from it, and gynocomastia. Since I had a failed relationship of love, the only thing I've ever know as love before I developed Schizophrenia I decided that if I work on myself that maybe I can reunite with my highschool sweetheart. Eight years later when I tried to date again, it was with women that confused me. They shaved themselves and I linked it to porn. They wanted to sodomize me, or have me put my whole hand inside them, or pretend to rape them. All of this was not what I wanted in a relationship. Then I started to notice that I became disgusted by the idea of sex, but compulsively masturbate to self medicate my loneliness and depression. A very attractive young women liked me but when she found out I had schizophrenia, she asked me if I was going to kill her. So I felt that masturbation was the only means of intimacy I could have. Until I realized something. Because I was no longer fantasizing about women I had crushes on. I couldn't fantasize because I knew that it was an impossibility. In my mind the women would think I'm fat and ugly, if that didn't stop her my breasts would, if that didn't my lack of success would, if that didn't my illness. I was scared at started to realize that I was spending hours looking at porn just to find the one video that would arouse me. It was taking over my life. Then my house caught fire, and I had to move in with my parents. When I got there I went on face* to chat with friends. Then an image of the man who molested me showed up as an add friend. I needed to masturbate a soon as possible to get him out of my head. So I turned to shamefull fetish porn that made me feel guilty. I then tried drugs to help reach orgasm, which left me in about a year with nothing to show for myself. I live in secret shame everyday because of this. I talk about it with the little friends I have, as best I can without offending them but I can't. They'll never understand. I need help, and I hope someone out there can help me or give me support that I can get over this. I never wanted to be like this, I just wanted the bad feelings to go away, and now I have no idea what crushes, love, or even sex is supposed to feel like or why I should want them, which scares the me. I'm not a robot, and have been trying to use porn to help me feel normal again, but I think it's porn that made me like this.
My first encounter with sex was with my babysitter. I watched her fool around with her partner and that's the first time I became aroused. Shortly there after I was molested by an older boy. I was only in grade three at the most. I didn't like it, and didn't understand it was wrong, I just knew I didn't like it. Then I moved to a new city. A small town to be exact, where I met a friend. I went over to his house and he played his Dads adult movie, a famous one I later learned in life. It was very confusing, the flooding of sexual energy I had. That was when I learned to masturbate. I got home and while in the middle of it my mother caught me, and gave me a hug goodnight. I felt very embarrassed about it, and the next day my mother and my new friends mother teased me about it. Something that was private became very public. I was grounded a lot, and to enforce strict punishment I was only aloud to have books in my room. No toys, or tv. Because I needed to keep busy I would masturbate and sleep to pass the time. I could always count on masturbation to make me feel better. The highschool boy who lived downstairs invited me to go camping with him, where I was molested for the second time in my life. I again at the time didn't know it was wrong, but he didn't arouse me which I found confusing. But I was more concerned as to why he could ejaculate and I couldn't.... So my focus was purely on the day I would finally ejaculate. As I became a teenager, and started taking sex ed classes I realized that I knew more about sex than the other students. Which in restropect I can understand was because of my hypersexuality of being molested and introduced to porn at such an early age. I noticed things were getting weird when I moved to another small town. I took me about twenty minutes to bike down an old road before I saw my friends house, and I couldn't make it all the way without masturbating on the side of the road. I was always paranoid that if a car came down I would get caught. This is around the time I started to develop scabs on my penis because I would masturbate so much that I tore the skin. As bad as this all may sound it's not as bad as it is now. The positive thing was that I was still attracted to women, and I started to date, and I didn't have erectile dysfunction. Everything seemed great. Later on in my teenage years I developed early onset schizophrenia. To understand schizophrenia in a gist, you deceive yourself and hear things that characterize you as the complete opposite of who you know you are. Which is why it's so debilitating. You then start to build paranoid delusions as to why it's happening. One of my delusions was that the world would end when I masturbated 666 times. I didn't know when it was going to happen, but I knew I was pretty close, only being seventeen. In reality I had probably already passed it without even knowing twice over. I struggled through failed medication, obesity from it, and gynocomastia. Since I had a failed relationship of love, the only thing I've ever know as love before I developed Schizophrenia I decided that if I work on myself that maybe I can reunite with my highschool sweetheart. Eight years later when I tried to date again, it was with women that confused me. They shaved themselves and I linked it to porn. They wanted to sodomize me, or have me put my whole hand inside them, or pretend to rape them. All of this was not what I wanted in a relationship. Then I started to notice that I became disgusted by the idea of sex, but compulsively masturbate to self medicate my loneliness and depression. A very attractive young women liked me but when she found out I had schizophrenia, she asked me if I was going to kill her. So I felt that masturbation was the only means of intimacy I could have. Until I realized something. Because I was no longer fantasizing about women I had crushes on. I couldn't fantasize because I knew that it was an impossibility. In my mind the women would think I'm fat and ugly, if that didn't stop her my breasts would, if that didn't my lack of success would, if that didn't my illness. I was scared at started to realize that I was spending hours looking at porn just to find the one video that would arouse me. It was taking over my life. Then my house caught fire, and I had to move in with my parents. When I got there I went on face* to chat with friends. Then an image of the man who molested me showed up as an add friend. I needed to masturbate a soon as possible to get him out of my head. So I turned to shamefull fetish porn that made me feel guilty. I then tried drugs to help reach orgasm, which left me in about a year with nothing to show for myself. I live in secret shame everyday because of this. I talk about it with the little friends I have, as best I can without offending them but I can't. They'll never understand. I need help, and I hope someone out there can help me or give me support that I can get over this. I never wanted to be like this, I just wanted the bad feelings to go away, and now I have no idea what crushes, love, or even sex is supposed to feel like or why I should want them, which scares the me. I'm not a robot, and have been trying to use porn to help me feel normal again, but I think it's porn that made me like this.