Locke's journal

[Locke44]

Hi all,

I am 35, trying to fight my addiction (PMO) since 4-5 years, with a very poor results. And it is breaking my heart that I am not able to overcome this addiction for such a long time now...

Currently I am 2 up to 3 weeks PMO free and than I usually have 2-3 relapses. This is much better than it was 2 years ago but still it is extremely hard for me to brake this cycle and survive longer than 3 weeks. I am also at individual therapy (also for OCD) and I think it is the only tool that makes me stay PMO free for longer periods.

Wish you all good luck!

 

[Locke44]

Day 1

I'm happy to inform that I did not use P today it was easy because I was very busy all day. I'm still having hangover after last PMO, for me it is usually 3-4 days, than it is more normal again until first crisis comes, in my case usually after 2 weeks. I've noticed recently and confirm that today (walking in the shopping mall) that I have very strong habit of looking at women and fantasizing about them. I need to be more careful about that because it is one of the puzzles that all together with others (anxiety, stress, etc.) can be very dangerous.

Toady I was going to run after work but finally I've decided to rest a bit more and get some more sleep. I feel that I need it more than running and I need to do this for myself. I need to care for myself and be more aware of my emotional and physical condition, otherwise I will end up like many times before ... disappointed and hopeless. I don't want to fell that way anymore, I want to be present, aware, and honest with myself and this is what I will pray for today.




   

 

[Philgood63]

Hi man, and welcome,

Don't lose hope, that's normal it's not easy, because that's worth it, that's worth bearing the bad moments ! I'm like you, fighting since 4-5 years and there have been many doubts and sadness along the road, but I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's possible my friend ! I see a therapist as well since a few weeks and that's definitly of great help, because it's a global change, just stopping PMO won't get you anywhare, we need to change for the better in any field. I have reached 33 days and that's a huge improvement for me, I would have never thought it was possible. I know the battle is not over but I am confident in the process. I hope you'll be as well, keep on fighting, that's worth it !

 

[Locke44]

Day 5

Still on but I expext todays evening and tommorrow all day to be challenging. I need to be focused and present.

 

[Locke44]

Day 6


I am in a good mood since 3 days and that is really helpful, no cravings at all. I know that cravings will come and I expect that to be quite soon...need to be prepared for that. What bothers me is driving, people drive like crazy and I can't change that, still I can't calm myself after such an incident.

I need to come back to my meditation routine, I gave up that recently.

Today I have a real problem to write anything, It is hard to write even simple sentence, what is going on?????

 

[Locke44]

Day 7

Today I feel anxious and tired, that's not a good sign. I need to stick to my plan and be constantly aware of my emotional state. I should do some yoga or running after work to keep my mind busy and my endorphines level high. Dopamine is definatelly dropping after one week PMO free and small but noticable cravings appears. Fanthasies are also more intense, I'm checking out almost all women I see on my way...I have to pay more attention to that and try to use mindfulness techniques to avoid that.

I am so happy that I am still here, and still on a good track.

Good luck to you guys!

 

[Locke44]

I have almost relapsed! It came out from nowhere I was wathing the movie and when it ended ... bang! I was M but it was as fast as I could. Anyway I did not brake my major promise, no P at all. Now I have to be very cafefull to avoid full relapse.

I would really appreciate if anyone could support me...