He is having urges toward/fantasies about any attractive woman he sees now?

[Dyrim]

To begin:  I am not angry or abusive about the matter.  I try to be as understanding as possible, but this wasn't something I read about and can't seem to find advice or information about how to handle this.  If I have missed it somewhere, please link me.

Boyfriend has been trying to cut out porn for 3 weeks. He has messed up twice that I know of, but I am not expecting immediate perfection.  I just know it had gotten so bad that I didn't want to be with him anymore, when this man is my LIFE.  I don't mean my obsession, I mean every aspect of my life has been prepared for a shared future together with THIS man.  I love him and want him more than anything, but I can't deal with the severity of the addiction he has/is trying to control.

Tonight I discovered he'd watched porn today.  I wasn't mad, but we ended up discussing it and he is so sensitive at the topic that it did become slightly messy.  What he is struggling with now is that without the porn and masturbation, he is having sexual urges every time he sees an attractive female.  He has no control over it.  He is a male nurse, so he is surrounded by women.  He hasn't had to deal with such sexual impulses since he was 12, which is when he started masturbating several times a day.  He doesn't have masturbation to control his sexual urges now.

I am trying not to take it personally, but it does make me feel very insecure to know there are people around him filling him with extreme sexual tension that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I know he is alarmed, appalled, and not able to control it... but I don't know what to tell him.  How long will this last?  Will it never go away?  I wasn't prepared for this one, and I don't feel equipped to actually help him with it because I can't keep me emotions out of it.  I feel like I have to choose between my emotionally unavailable, disinterested, furiously masturbating boyfriend or having my boyfriend wanting to bone everything that looks good and has a vagina.  This is extremely upsetting to me, but then he punishes himself! And THAT horrifies me!  He's struggling already without abusing himself, too!

I want really badly to be able to support him through this and to calmly handle the obstacles along the way of breaking this addiction, so he can be healthy and in control, and so our relationship can be something healthy and not disgusting like it has been for so long.  What do I do?  What can he expect?  I can't even.  I just can't even! 

 

[chpcbr]

First of all, know that whatever he's going throgh, it's temporary. It's detox and detox is often ugly.

This said, habe you decided to also not have sex while he tries to quit porn and reboot? Is he also not madturbating? It sounds like he's really not in a flatline, so maybe - I stress maybe - it would be better to get some action (ideally with you rather than alone)  instead of lusting after every girl he sees and ending up watching porn to cope.

 

[Dyrim]

We actually have sex quite often, almost every day.  I am constantly craving sex.  I am one of the few females I know that is just... really horny all the time as long as I am in a happy, satisfying relationship.  However, I read that sex causes a sudden intense urge and makes it harder not to relapse, so I am constantly offering to put our sex life on the shelf to make it easier on both of them.  I won't have any problems with that, this is more important than getting off. 

He doesn't WANT to stop having sex.  He says it sounds awful.  If he has no sexual release, would it be worse? Or are we in a constant state of it being inflamed BECAUSE of our sex?  I am not sure how to tell... 

Is the thing with other women normal then?

 

[Chaos Mind]

I don't see a problem with you two having sex. But I am very surprised about the libido this man seems to have. Sex daily with the woman he loves, porn abuse PLUS cravings for other women. That's unusual and most of the times it's the girlfriend who gets the least attention in the end. Still there is a problem and it's great that the two of you try to fix it.

I can totally see how any neutral discussion about his abuse turns into a fight. It's a sensitive topic. This is how men react when confronted with any kind of weakness. It's as if he was in a fight with another man and lost it badly...and you keep reminding him about his defeat. That's just how it feels...constant failure. Good will -> temptation -> surrender -> bad conscience. Men don't like to talk about losing. They like to radiate victory and success through all their pores. That doesn't mean it's a bad idea to talk about it. In a relationship, some things need to be different. He doesn't have to confess to other people. Just to you. Once he realizes how caring you are and that you don't blame him but want to help him (plus that it's your only chance as a couple together) things might improve. Once he realizes that he lets you down every time he PMOs, no matter if you notice or not, then he's on the right track. I know this is difficult and troublesome, but keep bothering him. Not the "oh my...did you do it again you prick!?" confrontation. Just the notice. Make him talk to you. Make him explain to you what he feels, why he feels and what he things how YOU feel about it.

To your actual problem: on a reboot, everybody notices different changes. But it seems to be quite common that at first our mind gets the dopamine kick by imagining things (mental porn as a substitute). Once it notices that it doesn't get its fix anyway, he enters flatline. At least that's what most people experience. This might also affect your sex life...it could be that he feels exhausted and doesn't like to have sex. If this happens - take it as a positive sign. Just wanted to warn you.

If he was registered here, asking for help, I'd tell him to not let his mind picture the other women to much. Being horny is ok - it's hard not to. But it's another thing to allow the fantasies. It's like: you can't change the way a pizza smells when you are nearly starving but may not eat. But you can keep yourself from stopping and taking a deep breath while imagining how you have a bite. Just notice "oh, cool, pizza" and leave the kitchen. I hope you get the transfer

 

[chpcbr]

So is his addiction having any impact on your sexual life or is it all good in the bedroom? What led him to quit? You wrote you wanted to break up with him because of the addiction, so clearly it had some kind of impact.

 

[Dyrim]

Chaos, I really appreciate your response.  I'm going to read over it some more before responding.  But I never give an 'again, you prick?' kind of response to him.

And chpcbr (chupacabra without vowels?), there were many reasons I finally couldn't take it anymore.  It was constant.  Anytime I wasn't with him, and at times when it was very inappropriate.  I have two little girls, and he moved in with us in December. I used to have him watch my girls while I worked--I work in home.  I walked into the room once to find him watching porn on his phone while my little girl was sitting 10 feet from him playing her comphter game.  One day I had a client downstairs and had to excuse myself to see why my kids were stampeding through the house upstairs like heathens. I found him watching porn in the bathroom.  He doesnt actually have a life outside the corner his computer desk sits in.  And he has withdrawn further and further from mine the worse he sinks into this.  I stopped letting him watch them while I work.  Every time I left the house he would jerk off to porn.  He would struggle to get off with me, we'd go longer without sex, and he'd be less interested every time. Almost no actual attraction to me and i know i am not an unattractive woman.  I have been telling him that I'm not okay with it for months. So he started telling me he wouldn't jerk off, I'd ask him not to from day to day in hopes of having sex with him.  He actively preferred this to sex.  Every day.  This got progressively worse over months and months until our relationship was a pathetic fucking sham of what it used to be.  The final straw... one day, after almost a week of being shot down, and finding his toilet paper wads on the ground every other day, or porn pulled up on the computer, I BEGGED him to take a break just for a day so we could have sex.  He agreed.

I walked in on him jerking off instead.  And he finally admitted he had no self control.  And went into detail about the addiction and it was so much worse than I realized.  And I will not stay if it gets like that again, I want an actual relationship.  Not an antisocial, alarmingly lazy, and over indulged lump of human that just takes up space in a corner and ejaculates. 

The last few weeks have actually improved things considerably.  I just was so alarmed to hear that confession.  I wanted to know if it was normal for him to suddenly crave any attractive woman...  and how long it might last or if this is something I should be concerned about or just ride out..

 

[kopp]

Beeing attracted to beautiful women seems pretty healthy to me... As long as you're the one he has sex with, why would you worry?

You can't blame him for looking at hot girls in real life, this seems like a small self-esteem issue from your side.

Seeing hot girls during the day always made me horny to fuck my girlfriend by night and it has always been a good thing.

 

[Dyrim]

-.-  thank you for your assumptions, kopp.  However, him checking out or being appreciative of other women has very rarely ever been an issue.  Being bi, I do it myself, and at times we do it together like pigs. XD  Seriously, dude.  Stahp.

This isn't just him seeing something hot and coming home and banging me.  This is something that is deeply upsetting and frustrating to him, going on what he had to say about the matter.  I've only seen him ever be genuinely aroused by someone other than me one other time, and to know that it's now happening regularly... that's something else entirely.  There's a difference between checking someone out appreciatively and lusting after them.  And I already said the latter was causing insecurity... so I am not really sure what more you're looking for.

I am just here looking for ways to cope with it.  I'm sure we'll figure it out.

 

[kopp]

OK I didn't get that. Excuse me for my assumptions, I'm french

the longer he reboots the better the situation will be I guess, it's normal to be super horny after 3 weeks.

 

[sodonewithit]

Abusing porn makes men view every woman as a potential conquest regardless of the reality of conquering.  Sadly this guy sounds like a chump.  I hope he comes here, reads and gets offended.  I read, got offended with myself and stepped up.

 

[Steam rolled]

Sodonewithitit is spot on correct!!

My husband has changed back to the man i fell in love with after ditching porn for good!
My SO now feels lower than low when he sees other men doing it now to me and other woman he will sometimes look at me and just say i'm so sorry and hold back a tear.

Good luck
SR

 

[SickOfIt]

He might have pornographic flash backs while he looks at other women and that might get him so attracted to ladies. Which it is common in withdraw from porn. I think it is temporary and hopefully everything goes back to normal for you . Talk to him more, but don't blame him every time he watches movies because he will shut down. I would suggest watching together Gabe's videos or sacred sexuality project on you tube. Good luck to you! 

 

[chpcbr]

And chpcbr (chupacabra without vowels?), there were many reasons I finally couldn't take it anymore.[...]

Sorry about the delay, took a break from this place. Yep, you'd do great at the Wheel Of Fortune!

And of course, it all makes sense with what you added in your post. What you painted is indeed a grim picture.