Best way to be together during a reboot?

[Hotshot007]

Ok, so I finally realized I had an issue when I couldn't perform despite some VERY persuasive encouragement from a very willing and able female. Am currently checking any and all physiological symptoms just to rule out anything and everything, but so far it looks like I'm well within all ranges for a 30 yo male. So after a bit of research have decided to try this reboot. The only thing is the 'very willing and able' woman I was with when I started this/realized it was an issue. She is amazing, as I thought she would just drop me like a hot potato. Instead, she has been incredibly supportive of working with me and helping me with this. She is both in the medical field and apparently has had and partner that previously had a porn addiction, so she has been a very good sounding board for me on a lot of issues that I have had. Personally, just knowing she is in my corner has helped a lot with not really the cravings (I never really had 'cravings' per se, I mostly did it when I was bored/had nothing to do/wanted 'alone me time), but just thinking of what she would think about it helps me to consider doing something, ANYTHING else. So what is the problem you ask? Well the issue is that while she understands what is happening intellectually, she is also still very hurt by my inability to perform when I was with her (tbh I still am as well...). Apparently this resonated with her previous experience and was a.big blow to her her psychologically, and now she says she can't even imagine being intimate with me. She says we can still be friends, but she doesn't want to go any further at this point. And given how much I am still shaken by it I can't really blame her for wanting this. While I would eventually like to be in a serious relationship with her (something I didn't think I would find myself saying about ANYBODY before I met her), I know that before that can ever happen I need to be able to be the man that she deserves to have, in every possible way, before that could ever happen. At the same time, i dont want to lose touch with her, and it appears that she does not either, as she has initiated at least as much contact as I have with her. So far most of the contact we have had is mostly electronic, just IM stuff and on FB, chatting about our day and just normal banter back and forth a bit, I think mostly to try and keep the connection alive. I would like to see meet her a bit and actually meet her, but idk if it's too early for that, or if I'm just kidding myself or what. Could use some input here, as in what if any settings would you take someone that doesn't have any intimate/sexual overtones right now, that you can maybe just do something pleasant and enjoy each others company? Or, on the other end.of the spectrum, do you think I should just call it off and not even try to see her at all (much as I really don't want to consider or write this option)?

 

[chickaboomski]

This creates trauma reaction for the spouse. So, having been theough this in the past it would have triggered a whole world of hurt. My man only had his lightning bolt moment of how much this was hurting me a few days ago. Yesterday we went bowling. Played air hockey and basic fun date stuff. We are mid 30s so this is really what we needed. For the first time in a long time. He was present. He was genuinely happy and making real eye contact and a genuiness about him I hadn't seen in a long time. She will need to see this in you. Good luck

 

[SickOfIt]

Hi. Well first of all, I am glad you are here.  As a wife of porn addict  I would say COMMUNICATION  is the most important than anything else. I remember when my husband and I didn't talk about his addiction because I was afraid of making him angry and he was worried that I am going to be hurt more.  So we both kind of avoided this subject. Now,  we can talk to about it and we are doing much better.
You said she wants to be a friend and doesn't want to be intimate with you. Honestly, put yourself in her shoes,  she just found out that the guy she likes has issues with a porn just like the guy she dated before so yes I wouldn't want to have sex too. Give her some time, show her that she can trust you, don't rush anything. She needs to see if you are willing to change. She still obviously wants to have a contact with you but sex won't happen for a while. Now, what I would suggested you to do, take her for dinner, go see movie, go for a walk together,  read a book together (me and husband do this sometimes), cook for her or better cook together.  Signup her and yourself to do yoga or something that you both could enjoy.  I used to love when my husband took me for go carts. It was fun and I loved it. You know from all that headaches I went through I still loved the fact that my husband could make me smile. And  boy you are so lucky that you have her and she still sticks with you!!  Good luck to you!

 

[Hotshot007]

Thank you both for your kind insights! I have been so broken up over this on my end that yes, I have been neglecting to try and see things from her end. Right now I am just glad we are still talking to one another, like literally everyday, so i do believe we are making some progress. Let me say, if the contact we have with each other is keeping this connection alive, then I will NOT be the one to break it. She specifically said to me "I'm not going anywhere," well I think now its time to prove neither am I, at least until she tells me to take a hike. I don;t think we have gotten to the point of talking about this openly in full yet, mostly because we don;t know exactly what it is, as right now I am just trying to rule out anything and everything that it may be physiologically and then work on the psychological aspect of it. From what I have seen she is worried that if its psychological then it means that somehow she may be at fault, which I have tried to explain, over and over, that it is not in fact it is no one;s fault but mine here. She still seems kind of reserved at times, as if there is still something she is either feeling or telling (in possible sotto voce persona) that she isn;t sharing with me, which is funny that I seem to feel this, mostly because I kind of do the same thing too at times, so I feel that this is there, unspoken.

As far as continued interactions go, was able to just hang out with her for a few hours this past weekend in a friendly, relaxed kind of atmosphere, and from what I remember that was just somehow magical, as I was able to get a glimpse of the wonderful, carefree woman there that I saw before this and want to get to know again. I am perfectly willing to do all manner of fun things that don;t involve the bedroom, as long as I just get to be around her (sorry if this seems kind of stalkerish). Am trying to find a bunch of activities that we both have an interest in and doing them together, luckily we are both in positions that this can be done. And yes, ultimately one of the things I like most here, I do so love it when i can see her smile for real....

 

[SickOfIt]

Try this book, it wont hurt you to try and you mighy help your relashionship : http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Dare-Alex-Kendrick/dp/1433679590