Hello, it's my first post here. I came here kind of accidentaly, googling "watching porn without masturbation" becouse it was something I used to do long time ago and I was wondering if "it's popular". I didn't have anough time to read all the materials etc, but I have few questions/statements/topics I would like to get a response from you as I'm not sure what I really wan't, and if I really need to start any rebooting, I don't know, you judge me please 
So, mayby I will try to tell my story without any unnecessary lenghtening (ok, as I'm writing it gets a bit lenghtend. I started masturbating at age, I'm not sure, 13? I did some sexual "playing" with my body before, but it was not really masturbation (I didn't even know what it is 'masturbation', I remember my classmates laughing at me that I didn't. It took some time for me to get this knowledge, even after that).
I started watching porn not long after/before I started masturbating (I remember I saw some porn before when I was in my classmate house, but when he saw my disgust he reacted kind of nicely, switching to non-nude porn). At the start it was all softcore, even hardly a "porn", just some sexy girls in sexy outfits with exotic cars. And even then I was more edging than ejaculating (yea I already read it's also wrong).
Now I'm 21 and things changed a bit; I watched all kind of porn, some I 'enjoyed', some I felt disgusted after. But the thing is, my ?addiction is not really growing. Yes, there were some misery moments of my life when I watched porn all night long, nearly every day, switching to more hardcore stuff. But as today, I watch porn mayby 4 days a week. Sometimes 3. Sometimes 5. Sometimes I get totally bored by more heavy stuff and I start searching for really softcore things. In fact, 80% of my porn folder is filled with softcore/not so hardcore girls pictures. (Little digression here: I'm a game designer, and I fool myself that I will someday use this library to have some examples to be able to model realisticly looking 3D girls, and assemble my characters. And I actually already used some of this photos for realising my concepts, not really porn concepts).
The point is, I was always shy and not so willing to get know with other people. I had some friends, 'firends' and Friends, I knew some girls I was playing with when I was a kid. I have some Friends now. Which talking to kind of helped me shed a little this feeling of guilt I had from my religion (I don't think masturbation is a 'mortar sin', as long as you don't waste your whole life on it). But...
I don't feel the need to get a girlfriend. And I don't know a way to get one. And when I'm already talkiing with the girl, I can't find any good topics I could talk a lot, and when I'm actually talking a lot I'm afraid that I bore my listener.
I'm straight, I'm fully developed as a man, I feel the need to have something real (both in sexual and 'fabular' way, searching for something like 'larps' instead of playing games). I just can't imagine I would get a girlfriend just becouse I'm lonely/I don't have sexual partner. Yes, I'm waiting mayby for some miracle, twin soul that will merge with my life. But I can't imagine I would be with a girl just becouse it's convenient. Mayby I'm just scared about sex. ;D
Mayby its my addiction blinding me, but as I imagine myself t o t a l l y without porn, I would be a shy, book-reading-whole-day creature (which I am in some way, at least before I looked down at my book-count and said "well enough for now"). And now, I think I'm gaining more and more self confidence.
But there is a flaw, the crack that is in corner of my sight. My whole "gamdesigner etc" work. My learning at school. As I think of it porn dealt severe damage to all of this. But on the other hend (optimistic ending ahead) I think that moments of my life when I was completly negative to any school subjects was more of laziness, and if not porn I could as well do something as productive, like driking alcohole or just nothing, but not study. Aand, now I'm learning to be a professional game designer, and when I have idea, when I have the keyboard under my fingers and the screen in front of my eyes, I can create and bend the data to my wildest imagination whole day long, ignoring any need for porn. ... need for food. For sleep. But at least I know I'm not so single-tracked. That my ambitions are strong.
OK, I tried to make this confession as honest as I could, mayby I exagerrated something, mayby I totally missed the point or I'm just downfully wrong. I don't know, I'm begging your response.
PS: If not masturbation, the only option for now is celibate/desperate girlfriend hunt, both doesn't suit me :/
So, mayby I will try to tell my story without any unnecessary lenghtening (ok, as I'm writing it gets a bit lenghtend
. I started masturbating at age, I'm not sure, 13? I did some sexual "playing" with my body before, but it was not really masturbation (I didn't even know what it is 'masturbation', I remember my classmates laughing at me that I didn't. It took some time for me to get this knowledge, even after that).I started watching porn not long after/before I started masturbating (I remember I saw some porn before when I was in my classmate house, but when he saw my disgust he reacted kind of nicely, switching to non-nude porn). At the start it was all softcore, even hardly a "porn", just some sexy girls in sexy outfits with exotic cars. And even then I was more edging than ejaculating (yea I already read it's also wrong).
Now I'm 21 and things changed a bit; I watched all kind of porn, some I 'enjoyed', some I felt disgusted after. But the thing is, my ?addiction is not really growing. Yes, there were some misery moments of my life when I watched porn all night long, nearly every day, switching to more hardcore stuff. But as today, I watch porn mayby 4 days a week. Sometimes 3. Sometimes 5. Sometimes I get totally bored by more heavy stuff and I start searching for really softcore things. In fact, 80% of my porn folder is filled with softcore/not so hardcore girls pictures. (Little digression here: I'm a game designer, and I fool myself that I will someday use this library to have some examples to be able to model realisticly looking 3D girls, and assemble my characters. And I actually already used some of this photos for realising my concepts, not really porn concepts).
The point is, I was always shy and not so willing to get know with other people. I had some friends, 'firends' and Friends, I knew some girls I was playing with when I was a kid. I have some Friends now. Which talking to kind of helped me shed a little this feeling of guilt I had from my religion (I don't think masturbation is a 'mortar sin', as long as you don't waste your whole life on it). But...
I don't feel the need to get a girlfriend. And I don't know a way to get one. And when I'm already talkiing with the girl, I can't find any good topics I could talk a lot, and when I'm actually talking a lot I'm afraid that I bore my listener.
I'm straight, I'm fully developed as a man, I feel the need to have something real (both in sexual and 'fabular' way, searching for something like 'larps' instead of playing games). I just can't imagine I would get a girlfriend just becouse I'm lonely/I don't have sexual partner. Yes, I'm waiting mayby for some miracle, twin soul that will merge with my life. But I can't imagine I would be with a girl just becouse it's convenient. Mayby I'm just scared about sex. ;D
Mayby its my addiction blinding me, but as I imagine myself t o t a l l y without porn, I would be a shy, book-reading-whole-day creature (which I am in some way, at least before I looked down at my book-count and said "well enough for now"). And now, I think I'm gaining more and more self confidence.
But there is a flaw, the crack that is in corner of my sight. My whole "gamdesigner etc" work. My learning at school. As I think of it porn dealt severe damage to all of this. But on the other hend (optimistic ending ahead
) I think that moments of my life when I was completly negative to any school subjects was more of laziness, and if not porn I could as well do something as productive, like driking alcohole or just nothing, but not study. Aand, now I'm learning to be a professional game designer, and when I have idea, when I have the keyboard under my fingers and the screen in front of my eyes, I can create and bend the data to my wildest imagination whole day long, ignoring any need for porn. ... need for food. For sleep. But at least I know I'm not so single-tracked. That my ambitions are strong.OK, I tried to make this confession as honest as I could, mayby I exagerrated something, mayby I totally missed the point or I'm just downfully wrong. I don't know, I'm begging your response.
PS: If not masturbation, the only option for now is celibate/desperate girlfriend hunt, both doesn't suit me :/