Beginning recovery - Addicted to soft

[SomeGuyADP]

Hi everyone.

About me:
I am a 43 year old male, who just landed on this website. In life, I am a succesful person working in technology. I am open to sharing more if it helps in any way.

About my problem:
But ... I have a porn addicition. I feel miserable. I have had the porn addiction for years, probably progressing the last 10 years or so, even though I have been masturbating a lot since my teens. I am in a great relationship with a girl for 5 years now. We recently married, and we are platonically very happy. But I find myself masturbating daily to soft porn / semi-nude images (it can be anything, like a search for latina girls on google images, or hot girls on pinterest). I also do this at work (in the restroom). When I'm out amongst people, I am also constantly noticing and fantasizing about ANY remotely hot girl that I see anywhere.

I can't really put words to why I still continue, I even have the thoughts on my way to the restrooms, during and after, but I can just see that it goes on happening every day. Some times I'll just reason like this: "Dammit, I'll go masturbate, to get it over with, to get the thoughts out of my head".

Even on sites like instagram I find myself attracted to duckface girls on the Popular page. And I'm 43 and married! I'm ashamed of myself. I feel I can't stop, and I feel my case is difficult, because just about any image or remotely hot girl in the street kicks off my desire to masturbate.

Progress so far
Almost none. I have managed to stay 99,9% off video sites like youporn. But I don't call that progress; I have replaced it with soft porn, and find it very hard to resist, perhaps even more, because pictures of bikini girls / hot girls etc are almost everywhere in printed and digital media.

What now?
I have set up a repeating tasks to read up on porn addiction daily. That's what I can say about today. And I have come to this website to sign up.

Any help appreciated. I am looking for "buddies", a counseling word, or whatever you can suggest that I need. In return, I give you sincere answers, friendship and I promise to help in return by whatever you can suggest. And I promise to try.

Thanks for listening.

PS. I would like to add that I am a newborn christian (2 years ago), and find that the addiction makes my walk with God even more difficult. I feel this is seriously keeping me from my destiny, both in life and beyond. I tried verses on temptation, but it has not been enough to kick off a recovery. Maybe God brought me here, who knows.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Good for you for making it here.

You mention you are in a "platonic" marriage. Do you experience ED? If you do, this will work. It doesn't fix everything, you have to invest in your marriage and your self esteem and pretty much ride out the storm of withdrawal, but the other side is pretty nice for some of these guys.

Anyway, glad to see you here.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Hi SomeGuy -

I've been a Christian for my entire life, but I wasn't able to break my PMO habit until (1) I learned about PIED and realized that I was suffering from it, and (2) I found the YBR forum and started participating in it. My desire to obey God made me want to break my addiction, but I needed the extra support from other addicts to actually make it happen.

When I first showed up at the forum, my goal was to stop looking at porn. It wasn't long, though, before I realized that porn was just one symptom of my addiction. I think I was ultimately addicted to fantasizing about women, as a substitute for being intimate with a real woman (i.e. my wife). I fantasized through porn, but also through ogling women on the streets and then thinking about them while masturbating. I also fantasized about other women while having sex with my wife, and I reached a point where I couldn't get an erection with my wife unless I was thinking about porn scenes or women I had seen in real life.

So in addition to not looking at porn, I realized that I also needed to stop ogling real women, and to stop touching myself altogether. These habits are not easy to break, but they can be broken, and healthier habits can be formed to take their place. I have always been triggered to PMO by depression and feeling sorry for myself, so one thing I have done to counteract those thoughts (that has been very helpful) is to listen to encouraging Christian music whenever the negative thoughts start to creep into my head. 

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Thanks for your responses. I can tell you that I am now on day 3 (just started it), so that makes 48 hours without touching myself at all. Questions

• How do you guys keep yourself from the temptation?
• Is that the program - to stop ENTIRELY selftouching for x amount of days?
• Can expect to see progress (less desire to masturbate, less "ogling"), if I just keep away from doing it? Or are other measures needed?
• Any specific advices on how to continue?

I feel really weird being in a forum with grownups who have had the same problem. It's something I have buried deep down inside for a long time, and I have never been able to discuss it with anyone, not even friends. It just feels too weird. Thanks for being around.

To STR / SO Reboot Partner: My personal problem is perhaps a kind of ED, but not totally ... our lack of a sex life comes from my lack of lust / initiative. With my wife, I just don't feel like taking the initiative, so it very rarely comes to the point where I need to "perform". But on the rare occasions that I actually want to have sex with her (typically in the morning, maybe once a month), everything works "as it should". She is currently pregnant, which makes matters even worse, since I now have an actual "excuse" for not wanting to initiate sex. We haven't had sex for 3 months now.

I can totally recognize what you are saying about "ogling" other girls. That's my issue as well. I ogle like I was a damn professional ogler, like a 13-year old kid. I feel so embarassed about it. And embarrassed before my God. Even when I see something totally innocent on TV, like a news report about public transportation, I will notice the one hot girl on the bus shown just for an instant. I recognize my ogling instantly for what it is, something very bad that keeps me from enjoying real love with my gorgeous wife. But ... I almost feel like it's hardwired into my brain.

Anyway, that's day 3, tips and support are appreciated.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I loved pregnancy sex. Everything is just different. My husband avoided it also would not touch my belly and would make fun of me when I said I felt the baby move. He was disconnecting even then.

Bonding is important during pregnancy. You won't feel like an outsider when the baby comes. Try rubbing lotion on her?

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Hi Reboot P. Thanks for sharing. I do make sure to connect and bond daily, but intercourse "feels weird", best way I can put it.

PS. Didn't know you were a lady. I have not problem with that. It's great to hear the female perspective on things that we have been "programmed" to ignore for so long.

I ask for the Lord's help on this. I can already feel now that being able to share with other people is what has helped me to do something about this. Day three is now over with neither M or P. I was however out shopping (with my wife) today and the ogling was something so deep in me that I needed to "check out" several girls when we were at the mall. I typically do it without her noticing (like real casual like), but who knows, women are very tuned in to this stuff; and I'm sure she notices somehow. I pray that one day I get rid of that. It's ridiculous.

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Day 5 now.

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Hi everyone. I'm now on day 8, and it's really weird. I've been having dreams about relapsing, and getting seduced by random, (very hot!) girls. I couldn't help laugh about this a little myself when I woke up.

In real life, the days seem a bit long, but I must admit the ogling habit still annoys me constantly. Any remotely hot girl will draw my attention immediately. Someone told me not to look away, but to try to "broaden" the view when I look at the girl, a little (like to think about where she's from, what her worries are etc). However, I still find it extremely hard not to immediately sexualize a girl in my mind, and I pray that persistance with PMO abstinence will help this over time.

What are your views on this?

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Day 16. I still ogle at every single hint of hotness in any girl that crosses my path. My God, I really hate myself for screwing up my brain with porn.

Past week has been better. No dreams about failing, but also a weird feeling of being "asexual" since I'm still not having sex with my wife. She's late in her pregnancy (7 weeks to go) and my plan is that this might help me in abstaining totally for that period, and after that, build up a healthy sex life with her only from then on. I really feel like PMO is over for good, and it that sense counting doesn't do much. I want PMO to be over for good. Only thing is, I am a little surprised I made it this far; so it feels good to know what I've accomplished so far.

PS Looking for an acc. partner. Someone 30-50 who needs help on his own (I know I can encourage others, and help out).

 

[SomeGuyADP]

Still going strong. Wohoo! 55 days. Glory to Him.

I have used prayers every day to remind myself that there is ALWAYS another choice than PMO, always a way out, always a route that leads away. (1. Cor 10:13)

Temptations: I still encounter quite a few temptations along the way. I still ogle. I still on a few occasions find myself following attractive girl pictures in news stories, instagram, etc, but luckily don't take the impulse any further than than, and stop it there. I would be interested in knowing how these things can improve or if they ever will.