VibratingEchoes
New Member
Hi guys, my name is Gabriel and I've been masturbating since I was 18 years old. This is how it started. I've always been very shy to girls in the sense that I would literally shut off if a girl I liked started talking to me and I could never really relate very well with them. Even in elementary school I was very closed off to all people not just girls and I only had a couple of friends. I don't know what it was, I loved girls but I guess I found myself so repulsive that I imagined that no girl would want me. Years gone by, high school came, the time when everyone was forming relationships and dating, I was the one that never had a girlfriend or even held hands with a girl before. It wasn't that girls didn't find me attractive, it was the fact that I was ashamed of even making a move on one, many girls chased around but I was so fucking awkward that I literally pushed them away. Not to mention that that's the time I started to become seriously depressed and isolated. Was in art school so I guess was normal for artists to be shy and reserved but I knew something was wrong. Finally when I was 18, one day was sitting in my bed and images of girls started popping up in my head and I just could resist anymore. To that point masturbation for me was for losers, then I became the loser. But it felt so good ! Of course it did, it was the first time ever. That was the point when I started feeling good after a loooooong time. So I became addicted. I would do it everyday, thinking about women, just using my imagination. Next I know, we got internet in our house and one day I decided to check out some pics of girls. Little did I know what that would do to me. I first started with just a boob, an ass, even tight jeans, nothing serious. Then I discovered real porn, that's when my mind got hooked. There was a certain rush I would get when I say those women getting pounded on. I guess the fact that I desired intimacy but couldn't get it would make me imagine myself as those guys in porn. I began replacing real human connection with masturbation and porn. Just to escape the shame I was feeling for not having a girlfriend and to escape the feelings of frustration. Years go by, I go to college, no relationships, nothing yet porn still persists. Now I'm 26 and still the same awkward guy but with a masturbation addiction and lots of porn in my mind. Through out those years I only had 2-3 relationships which were short lived because I guess I can sure pick'em. Those hurt me so bad that they only reinforced the idea that there's something wrong with me and that no girl can love me. So I became even more isolated and depressed. Masturbation became even more frequent. I can't even go 2 days without doing it. This is so sad. Anyway, this is my story and I hope I can break this before it breaks me. One day I felt so low about my habit that I wanted to end it all. Was so close. Already messaged someone for an accountability buddy cause I think it would help me to get some reinforcement from someone else. I've discovered that PM makes you isolated, ashamed of yourself and lusting all the time. I used to be confident and look people in the eye, now I'm all hunched back and looking down all the time. I can't even look a girl in the eyes without making some weird gesture to escape her gaze. I used to look at girls thinking "Look how beautiful she is", now it's more like "Man, look at that ass, those tits* :| Face, feelings, personality don't even matter to me anymore. It's not natural. I can feel it. Hopefully in time, I will become the old me. I decided to be more social, not isolate myself anymore and I think even a girlfriend would do me so much good. I've decided to face my fears and face rejection and awkwardness and try to meet people. Anything is better than this hell. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it ! I will be posting updates every day in case anyone is interested.
to get out from that addiction. When you will reboot you are going to be confident man, have you read the succesful stories of people who rebooted? You are not alone, i can understand you how it is to be shy, dont talk with anyone and be alone. You can do it!