Hi everyone
I am 33 years old. I discovered porn way back in 2003 when we got our first computer. I do not know how it managed to hijack me, but after that, masturbation became a regular thing of my life. It was an outlet for any frustration/ anxiety/ fear/ bad performance in a test or exam etc. Slowly it became a habit, to the point that I sometimes realised I have spent 4 hours at a stretch on my computer, searching for that perfect scene to finish to. After orgasm and ejaculation, I would feel good only for a while, then fatigue and lack of interest took its place. This became a cycle, so much so that I would feel chronically depressed, bored, uninterested and tired. I spent more time watching porn than studying. During my post graduate final exams, I was almost on the brink of failure, but I managed to scrape through in the first attempt.
In 2013, I had a binge for 3-4 days after which I started getting headaches and severe eye-strain. After a break for a few days (not a reboot) I decided to do an objective study of pornography on the net. For the first time in my life I discovered that porn is so false, with so many props and techniques that are never found in real life sex. Then I discovered that there is something called porn addiction, just as there is something called alcohol addiction. I was shocked to realize that all the symptoms I had matched the description on that website. I took questionnaires and realized for the first time in my life that I was a PORN ADDICT!
Since then I read up on how to break free from this addiction, but somehow I was not able to stay on track. Since then I have to continued to have relapses, binges and periods of abstinence. My longest porn-free period was 1 month, and after that I have never been able to achieve that long a streak.
Two important facts about my life:
1. I have never been in a sexual relationship before. I am now engaged to a beautiful girl who has a very kind and loving personality. At the end of this year we will be getting married. She of course doesn't know about my porn addiction. I want to be a wonderful and loyal husband who will also satisfy her sexually.
2. I am a post-doctoral fellow and due to answer my exams in one & half months. I am studying as much as I can, but I get distracted easily. When I want to unwind by watching something on my computer, instead of a good movie or maybe a motivational video I get the urge to watch porn
Today I relapsed after going clean for 10 days. I just can't believe that this PMO habit is so hard-wired that even though I know that it is wrong, it somehow overpowers my rational brain and makes me act out.
There is one good thing that I have noticed. Whenever I make up my mind and begin a new reboot cycle, it takes just 3-4 days for my morning wood to return.
It's been 18 years since that fateful day when I was exposed to online porn. And 8 years since I discovered that I had a porn addiction and that it is the cause of my problems.
I am now beginning a new reboot. I had heard about Reboot Nation before but never knew this forum existed. Today is the first time in my life that I am journaling about my habit, in fact about anything in my life. I hope to finally get rid of porn, ace my upcoming exams and, on my wedding night, enjoy guilt-free , pure sex with my bride.
Also I wish godspeed all those who are on the journey to recovery, like I am.
I am 33 years old. I discovered porn way back in 2003 when we got our first computer. I do not know how it managed to hijack me, but after that, masturbation became a regular thing of my life. It was an outlet for any frustration/ anxiety/ fear/ bad performance in a test or exam etc. Slowly it became a habit, to the point that I sometimes realised I have spent 4 hours at a stretch on my computer, searching for that perfect scene to finish to. After orgasm and ejaculation, I would feel good only for a while, then fatigue and lack of interest took its place. This became a cycle, so much so that I would feel chronically depressed, bored, uninterested and tired. I spent more time watching porn than studying. During my post graduate final exams, I was almost on the brink of failure, but I managed to scrape through in the first attempt.
In 2013, I had a binge for 3-4 days after which I started getting headaches and severe eye-strain. After a break for a few days (not a reboot) I decided to do an objective study of pornography on the net. For the first time in my life I discovered that porn is so false, with so many props and techniques that are never found in real life sex. Then I discovered that there is something called porn addiction, just as there is something called alcohol addiction. I was shocked to realize that all the symptoms I had matched the description on that website. I took questionnaires and realized for the first time in my life that I was a PORN ADDICT!
Since then I read up on how to break free from this addiction, but somehow I was not able to stay on track. Since then I have to continued to have relapses, binges and periods of abstinence. My longest porn-free period was 1 month, and after that I have never been able to achieve that long a streak.
Two important facts about my life:
1. I have never been in a sexual relationship before. I am now engaged to a beautiful girl who has a very kind and loving personality. At the end of this year we will be getting married. She of course doesn't know about my porn addiction. I want to be a wonderful and loyal husband who will also satisfy her sexually.
2. I am a post-doctoral fellow and due to answer my exams in one & half months. I am studying as much as I can, but I get distracted easily. When I want to unwind by watching something on my computer, instead of a good movie or maybe a motivational video I get the urge to watch porn
Today I relapsed after going clean for 10 days. I just can't believe that this PMO habit is so hard-wired that even though I know that it is wrong, it somehow overpowers my rational brain and makes me act out.
There is one good thing that I have noticed. Whenever I make up my mind and begin a new reboot cycle, it takes just 3-4 days for my morning wood to return.
It's been 18 years since that fateful day when I was exposed to online porn. And 8 years since I discovered that I had a porn addiction and that it is the cause of my problems.
I am now beginning a new reboot. I had heard about Reboot Nation before but never knew this forum existed. Today is the first time in my life that I am journaling about my habit, in fact about anything in my life. I hope to finally get rid of porn, ace my upcoming exams and, on my wedding night, enjoy guilt-free , pure sex with my bride.
Also I wish godspeed all those who are on the journey to recovery, like I am.