The rest of the day of my last post actually went worse. I felt my mood plummet, I felt really lazy, and I was having some beer, then wine. A friend was having a party but I really wasn't feeling it--I didn't want to see any people (and most people there wouldn't be very many I knew well from before). I guess a mixture of being drained, lazy and socially anxious or just wanting to be alone. So I decided to take a bath, which is something I hadn't done in years. So there I was, loading the tub with water, putting my glass of wine on the closed toilet seat and selecting a historical podcast. The water was a tad too hot, but overall it felt really relaxing. Unfortunately, I wasn't entirely home alone as a roommate was in the apartment, so I didn't feel like I could just be entirely by myself. But after the bath I just laid down on the floor of my room, kept drinking and listening to the podcast. I felt like lazy like shit, but okay I thought, I needed some kind of complete day off. I brought my phone with me to bed and continued listening to the podcast--and next I opened my eyes it was day, my nightlamp was on and the phone was right next to me. Evidently, I had dozed off. That rarely happens, but it was a funny experience.
On this day I had regained my motivation and I set to my tasks. I'm in the process of moving, so a lot of extra stress and work. But Saturday was fine, and so was the day after. I thought about how one's energy and motivation can just revert into the "dark side", and I think that there's got to be days like that. My strategy is to just push myself, no matter what and take the pain whenever it comes. If my body decided enough was enough, like on Friday, then fine--I won't fight if I have no means to fight with! There will just be these days on the "dark side", but I think it's important not to conflate one's "days of light" with these. I used to think that I always need to take care to have an appropriate amount of downtime, of making space for when the drain, the laziness, the bad moods hit--but why do that? It's like you're preparing for defeat, preparing to be less than the best of yourself. I'm not doing that. In my mind, every day is a day of light, of motivation, high energy and where I cultivate myself, learn something, develop, whether that's physically, mentally or spiritually. Everyday there is something, however small, and that is a victory of being.
I'm not "balancing my books" (pre-emptively making room for sorrow, depression, weariness, lazyness, what have you) because life has no time or patience paying for liabilities that don't exist.
This is not to deny that shit happens; they do, and I just wrote about it. But I don't plan on it. My view is that life has never been as good as it is now (despite crippling student debt, lack of long-term relationship, and god knows what else's hiding in the psychological cupboard under the stairs), because I've never been this wise, this motivated and this energetic on turning my life around. I used to think that things have to start next year; in a few months; when I finish studies; when I do X Y Z or after A B C; but no. It starts now. I try to plan right now my future horizons. What I can do now. Self-awareness isn't something out there or in the future, but it's here in the present. There is no other way for it to be.
As I'm writing all this, I had to say goodbye to the girl I've been dating for the past month and a half. It was painful after we parted and I felt my heart being pulled downwards by a million strings. A gravity of stone wore down my mind. This just serves to remind me what an awesome experience I have had through this person and if it wasn't painful, it wouldn't have been good. Rationally, I appreciate the wonderful opportunity. But the heart has a lag, a delay, when it comes to knowing these things. Though perhaps, while it may look like "lag" to the rapid self-conscious mind, it may be the "mind" of deep time. In other words, the heart keeps a scoreboard of longer duration--not just any old game, but the game. The only one in town. The only one that matters. The game of your life.
It is hard, and it may get harder, but I will be there every moment of it. With love.
Thanks for checking in, fellow rebooters.
NO PMO 58 days.