ddrjcb2020
Member
Hi Everyone. Today is my first day here on this forum. Today, I write this entry coming off watching porn and masturbating during my work day at home. I have decided it is time for me to reclaim my life.
My therapist had introduced me to the YBOP site, and then through browsing that site, I found this forum. I have been addicted to pornography and masturbation since 12-13 years old. I am now 28 years old. It has been just over 16 years of pornography controlling every aspect of my life. I remember as a kid, before pornography being a happy and confident kid. When porn entered my life, I became self-conscious and insecure, shy, disconnected from reality, depressed (at times suicidal), and entering into my adult life, I am convinced that I have pornography-induced attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, even being medicated for it. I don't want to hide this anymore. I struggle with shame, and I need to get rid of that feeling.
I am a husband to a wonderful wife who has been with me on my journey through pornography. We have been married for almost six years, and early on in our marriage, I confessed my pornography addiction to her. She was so gracious, understanding, and kind. I began going to therapy, and I pretended to get better, but I wasn't getting better. My wife now thinks I am porn free, and I am far from it. Our sex life is almost non-existent for multiple reasons. Our sex life is hard on a typical day because I struggle with performance anxiety and shame regarding my porn addiction. I find it hard to be present in those moments and put the shame and guilt beside me. As a result, my erections are weak, and I have not had morning wood in probably a decade. When we were dating, I felt this shame, and we never had sex while we were dating, we fooled around at times, but we never experienced an orgasm together before marriage. I even felt so much shame on my wedding night because I masturbated the morning of and was so anxious, ashamed, and nervous that I could not get it up for a few days into our honeymoon. This is partially due to our religious upbringings to which we no longer subscribe, yet sometimes the religious shame lingers still. I want to feel connected to her sexually again. I want to have that ravenous and exciting honeymoon love sex life that we never got to have. I love her dearly, and I am here on the forum to confide in all of you instead of her. I don't want her to bear the burden of my sexual baggage anymore. She deserves better than what I can give her. But I need help becoming that person.
I am a father. I have an 18-month-old son, and I have a newborn baby due in November of this year. I love my son so much. It is ridiculous how much I love him. He has the most excellent parts of both my wife and me. Yet, I know that my baggage weighs on him too. Although I don't often think outside myself of how my pornography affects others around me, this journal is helping me to do that, and it feels nice. I want to be confident and healthy for my children so that when they inevitably face the dangers of internet pornography and unrealistic sexuality through social media, tv, etc. I can be there for them. I need this and desperately want to be better for them.
A little more about me, I am currently about a year away from completing my Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. After that, I will be a licensed professional counselor in my state. Being a therapist is my absolute dream job. I love the brain and how it works and how it heals. The journey of my master's program has been challenging to say the least, not only academically but emotionally. It has caused me to look introspectively and initially start going to therapy. Therapy has helped me do more deep emotional healing, but I need a more accessible community to help me through the extensive addiction to porn that has stuck with me for so many years. Ironically, one of the classes I am currently taking is an addictions counseling course, which has been challenging.
To be honest, I am not even sure where to go from here. I don't know how to stop myself from watching porn. I don't know how to prevent relapse. I don't know how to get free from this because it is all I know, and I can't imagine a life without it. It has stolen so much from me. It has arrested my brain development, emotional connections, career progress, self-esteem, etc. So I am hoping that this community will be a great place to find the healing and progress that I need.
Thank you for reading this, listening to my story, and connecting with me.
My therapist had introduced me to the YBOP site, and then through browsing that site, I found this forum. I have been addicted to pornography and masturbation since 12-13 years old. I am now 28 years old. It has been just over 16 years of pornography controlling every aspect of my life. I remember as a kid, before pornography being a happy and confident kid. When porn entered my life, I became self-conscious and insecure, shy, disconnected from reality, depressed (at times suicidal), and entering into my adult life, I am convinced that I have pornography-induced attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, even being medicated for it. I don't want to hide this anymore. I struggle with shame, and I need to get rid of that feeling.
I am a husband to a wonderful wife who has been with me on my journey through pornography. We have been married for almost six years, and early on in our marriage, I confessed my pornography addiction to her. She was so gracious, understanding, and kind. I began going to therapy, and I pretended to get better, but I wasn't getting better. My wife now thinks I am porn free, and I am far from it. Our sex life is almost non-existent for multiple reasons. Our sex life is hard on a typical day because I struggle with performance anxiety and shame regarding my porn addiction. I find it hard to be present in those moments and put the shame and guilt beside me. As a result, my erections are weak, and I have not had morning wood in probably a decade. When we were dating, I felt this shame, and we never had sex while we were dating, we fooled around at times, but we never experienced an orgasm together before marriage. I even felt so much shame on my wedding night because I masturbated the morning of and was so anxious, ashamed, and nervous that I could not get it up for a few days into our honeymoon. This is partially due to our religious upbringings to which we no longer subscribe, yet sometimes the religious shame lingers still. I want to feel connected to her sexually again. I want to have that ravenous and exciting honeymoon love sex life that we never got to have. I love her dearly, and I am here on the forum to confide in all of you instead of her. I don't want her to bear the burden of my sexual baggage anymore. She deserves better than what I can give her. But I need help becoming that person.
I am a father. I have an 18-month-old son, and I have a newborn baby due in November of this year. I love my son so much. It is ridiculous how much I love him. He has the most excellent parts of both my wife and me. Yet, I know that my baggage weighs on him too. Although I don't often think outside myself of how my pornography affects others around me, this journal is helping me to do that, and it feels nice. I want to be confident and healthy for my children so that when they inevitably face the dangers of internet pornography and unrealistic sexuality through social media, tv, etc. I can be there for them. I need this and desperately want to be better for them.
A little more about me, I am currently about a year away from completing my Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. After that, I will be a licensed professional counselor in my state. Being a therapist is my absolute dream job. I love the brain and how it works and how it heals. The journey of my master's program has been challenging to say the least, not only academically but emotionally. It has caused me to look introspectively and initially start going to therapy. Therapy has helped me do more deep emotional healing, but I need a more accessible community to help me through the extensive addiction to porn that has stuck with me for so many years. Ironically, one of the classes I am currently taking is an addictions counseling course, which has been challenging.
To be honest, I am not even sure where to go from here. I don't know how to stop myself from watching porn. I don't know how to prevent relapse. I don't know how to get free from this because it is all I know, and I can't imagine a life without it. It has stolen so much from me. It has arrested my brain development, emotional connections, career progress, self-esteem, etc. So I am hoping that this community will be a great place to find the healing and progress that I need.
Thank you for reading this, listening to my story, and connecting with me.
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