Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.
Day 0
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.
- Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
- Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
- I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.
Day 0
- Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
- What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
- What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
- 10h 44m done.