Time to start over

[worth_it]

Hi all, maybe a few of you remember me from a few years back from my last journal thread. Finding out about RN was one of the most helpful things in my early recovery from porn addiction. For one of the first times, I believed my brain could actually be rewired after years of frequent habitual porn use. I made it to 52 days free from porn, until my streak ended and I haven't made it there since.

I have made it to 30+ a few times since then, but mostly have struggled badly getting any hint of momentum in sobriety. I have experienced a good amount of healing through therapy and my personal faith though, and feel more equipped to understand the "why" behind my addiction. However, at the same time, I think I've developed a low-level depression (probably a flatline symptom) as a result of my continued relapses. This makes it especially hard to live a motivated life, and pursue the sobriety I so badly want. But it's time: I want to have a good life, and sometimes we need to force the issue.

My intention is simple here: I want to journal my progress as I live healthier, and get momentum. I'm having a hard time believing I can actually be free from this, and I think being around other like-minded guys will help me. I want this so damn bad. It's time to start over. Let's get free. Day 0.

 

[joepanic]

Hi all, maybe a few of you remember me from a few years back from my last journal thread. Finding out about RN was one of the most helpful things in my early recovery from porn addiction. For one of the first times, I believed my brain could actually be rewired after years of frequent habitual porn use. I made it to 52 days free from porn, until my streak ended and I haven't made it there since.

I have made it to 30+ a few times since then, but mostly have struggled badly getting any hint of momentum in sobriety. I have experienced a good amount of healing through therapy and my personal faith though, and feel more equipped to understand the "why" behind my addiction. However, at the same time, I think I've developed a low-level depression (probably a flatline symptom) as a result of my continued relapses. This makes it especially hard to live a motivated life, and pursue the sobriety I so badly want. But it's time: I want to have a good life, and sometimes we need to force the issue.

My intention is simple here: I want to journal my progress as I live healthier, and get momentum. I'm having a hard time believing I can actually be free from this, and I think being around other like-minded guys will help me. I want this so damn bad. It's time to start over. Let's get free. Day 0.

Good morning Glad you came back Are you prepared to share the reasons why you turned to porn in the 1st place? That might be a good place to start. I am a 52 year old who had a 35 year long addiction It has taken me the better part of 6 years to beat it.

 

[MapleSyrup]

Wishing you all the best, worth_it!

In my experience, I found it best not to beat myself up about the streak length, and view it more about simply fleeing from porn and fighting the urges, one day at a time. If you've already made it to 30 day streaks, then I believe you have more than enough discipline in you to keep going.

You got this, keep it up!

 

[joepanic]

I agree. I got to 30 days many times and crashed. Just started over again. Now i don't know how many days it is i don't bother counting anymore. the bigger challenge for me now is working out the issues that would cause me to go to porn in the 1st place. Slowly those are becoming resolved

 

[worth_it]

Day 9

Today was tough. Well, the last few days were tough as well. Started getting urges on Wednesday, and they built up until today where they really got strong. I've just been trying to live healthy days throughout this, but today I kinda let my foot off the gas pedal and was pretty lazy today, sat around and watched Youtube instead of working. That didn't help the urges at all, they intensified a lot more. Found myself home alone tonight and ended up peeking at P and got really close to giving up and relapsing. That sucked.

Since then, I've been in a lot of pain. My body got a dopamine release, expecting a huge spike, and it never happened so I think I'm experiencing the aftermath of that. Crazy how the human body works with addiction, man. Anyways, now my urges are still here and way stronger, along with feeling awful because of the dopamine high I experienced without a release. I know tomorrow will be better than right now, so I'm excited to just get past this day, get back on the road, and learn from this.

As I analyze what was behind all of this, I think it was a bunch of different factors that led to this. Work feeling overwhelming (pretty constant challenge for me), some challenges with my community of friends, tension with my wife, all played a big role. I've just never learned how to deal with negative feelings, and porn was the only way out for so long. Now I'm learning how to handle those emotions without it and it is TOUGH.

Gotta move forward though. No option but forward. I know momentum may be hard to build at first, but it'll happen.

 

[worth_it]

Wishing you all the best, worth_it!

In my experience, I found it best not to beat myself up about the streak length, and view it more about simply fleeing from porn and fighting the urges, one day at a time. If you've already made it to 30 day streaks, then I believe you have more than enough discipline in you to keep going.

You got this, keep it up!

Thank you for that encouragement, I appreciate that!! It’s been almost 6 months since I’ve had a 30+ day streak, but I agree I’ve got that same discipline in me.

 

[worth_it]

I agree. I got to 30 days many times and crashed. Just started over again. Now i don't know how many days it is i don't bother counting anymore. the bigger challenge for me now is working out the issues that would cause me to go to porn in the 1st place. Slowly those are becoming resolved

Yeah totally, I’m working on identifying what’s drawing me into porn. It’s always been the uncomfortable emotions of life that have driven me back to my addiction, and this situation was no different. This is a learning process, and I’ll have plenty more opportunities to face up those crappy feelings and handle them healthily.

 

[joepanic]

As I analyze what was behind all of this, I think it was a bunch of different factors that led to this. Work feeling overwhelming (pretty constant challenge for me), some challenges with my community of friends, tension with my wife, all played a big role. I've just never learned how to deal with negative feelings, and porn was the only way out for so long. Now I'm learning how to handle those emotions without it and it is TOUGH.

What tactics are you using to deal with some of these negative feelings? Does you wife know your a porn addict?