Transformation

[32]

I'm 32 and married. Addicted for 15 years. Chronic health problems. Tried and failed for the majority of that time. Learning constantly but finding it hard to imagine a life of 'freedom' from this vicious cycle that is damaging my life.

It's reached a point where I am doubting some of the most important things in my life, like whether or not I really love my wife, if I enjoy my work, if my life could be better on my own in another country. This is stress talking, which has been compounding for a long time. Anxiety, guilt, shame etc - as a result of years of PMO.

My wife doesn't know about my problem. Of course I feel guilty from keeping something so important, but I know it will destroy her and us.

Today, I realise just how unhappy I am when amidst this struggle. Hence me doubting everything. I know the theory of positive thinking, keeping busy, meditation etc - the many various techniques to help ourselves, and when I do practice them, it's good. Really good. But yet I keep falling back into the trap of not helping myself. Perhaps it's not caring for myself.

I'm going to avoid saying things like "this is the last time" etc. I've been doing that for years. It's about the time when push comes to shove: feeling the draw to pmo and deciding to make a stand and replace the feelings with something productive, or appropriate. Something healthy.

This post is just to share who I am and where I'm at. Just trying to focus on reducing anxiety, being mindful and staying positive and realistic. As best as I know how.

 

[readytoquit]

Porn is more addictive than anyone could imagine.

Do you have these desires to leave your wife when you are in the process of strong withdrawal symptoms? I feel the same way, but after I relapse the thoughts evaporate. I think before making a decision like that, it's best to see what is on the other side of those withdrawal symptoms.

Could the desire to leave your wife and move to another country be a way of running away from something inside of yourself? Maybe the desire is bred as a coping mechanism, as a way to run and hide from pain. When the PMO is taken away, we are forced to find new ways of dealing with stress and emotions. We lose our crutch and must find new ways to cope.

I hope I haven't overstepped the mark and caused any offense. Just some thoughts I had because I felt I could relate to your story. I could be completely wrong in what I say / assume but they are my experiences and maybe not your own.

Another thought to finish with:

Having goals like meditating can be useful when quitting porn. I find for me they can also become a burden. If I miss a day and don't obtain perfection, then it brings me down. I also don't enjoy many of the suggested daily habits when quitting porn. Now instead I try to do things that I enjoy, things that make ME happy. Very simple things like listening to music on my headphones, and doing a bit of dancing. What I want more than anything though is better connection with people and more friends. That's what will make me happiest.

 

[32]

Yes, I knew at the time of writing that it's deep emotions being manifest as fear. I'm experience scary withdrawal symptoms including anger which is uncharacteristic of me. At the moment, I'm in a dark place and porn is haunting me. It's sad that these demons have been following me for so long, but this is something that needs acceptance.

 

[readytoquit]

Yeah, try to keep positive mate. You're not alone.

 

[32]

It's Monday morning, the time when I'm most susceptible to watch porn. I have underlying triggers relating to work, it get's me pretty much every Monday..including today. it's frustrating because I started the day really well, meditation/visualisation, goals etc - just a good positive mindset. It happened bc I had started working (at home) and some model thing came up and that was it. One hour of porn. My brain is buzzing and no doubt in a few hours time I will hate myself. This comes a day after the withdrawal symptoms was the worst it's ever been for me, in terms of mood, anger, fatigue. It caused a massive rift between me and wife, but we reconciled at the end. But I thought that it would have given me a reality check. That didn't last long. Fuck. How can I let porn take control so easily? I know I'm meant to have controlled it but just give in to the triggers. Why can't I learn from experience and make sure that I replace the temptation with some real and healthy?

 

[32]

Although it's been a really tough couple of weeks, I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself and life. Meditation and gratitude is really helping. That said, I'm still falling short. Even today, I'm feeling really good but easily fell into looking at porn for a few minutes. It was only 5 minutes and just some pics, but that doesn't make it ok. to the contrary, I know that even 10 seconds is too much and has an effect. But I'm not going to be hard on myself b/c at least I got out after a few minutes b/c I had the right mindset. Just frustrating that I feel obliged to look at some stuff and end up edging. But I know that's part of the issue, but if I can get to not edging and replacing that draw with something healthier, that's when the real progress and transformation can start to take shape. I will get there. It's my obligation and upmost priority.

 

[32]

Last week I relapsed again, but feel like I have really learnt the lesson. Today I made sure to avoid any possible moment as best as I can as Monday often is a day I struggle. It's one day at a time and I feel focused and have more of a game plan. It's a commitment that needs not only daily attention, but for me need to check in every couple is hours even for a minute to make sure emotionally I'm ok and keeping on track. I feel physical symptoms but am trying to just accept it even though it's causing problems with my wife re sex life. Hopefully it will get easier as each week progresses. 

 

[I-am-not-a-slave-anymore]

Set a counter, count the days, go cold-turkey and beat this shit. Stop relapsing so often! quit porn, think about the cognitive benefits and improvements for your life and start writing a recovery journal.

 

[32]

Yeah, it happened again. It's so pathetic and selfish. I knew I had a choice to make.

It's been a terribly difficult couple of weeks, full of anxiety especially about sex with my wife. I have also experienced fatigue which I know is because I'm trying to withdraw.

The bit I don't get is how to be reilient? Knowing that it's possible to relapse at any time, whether its days/weeks or even months into recovery. How can I be OK with that? I feel desperate because I it's costing me everything and I can not afford to keep 'relapsing' like this..at any point in future.

Any suggestions to help change my mindset is welcomed.

 

[DavePaular]

Hi 32!

Welcome to the forum! First of all, everyone who starts realising their situation and how the addiction affects them will go through rough moments of tries and fails. It's normal and you should be ok with that. No one get very far at first because it takes some time to learn about it and how it goes in our life. Everyone lives it differently but you will realise that there are a lot of similarity.
Like Frank mentioned, start writing a journal now and stick to it everyday, and again I mean it EVERYDAY. If you really care about it, you will have to commit to this. I know it because I have failed multiple times because after a short success I stopped coming here and writing in my journal, which made me relapse and not care very quickly. Until I realise that I had to come back here and restart my recovery. Recovery is not about how many days you can stand avoiding porn or else. It's building yourself so that you don't care about porn and you know how to lead your life without it. Many people would start doing more sport, being more social, reading more or setting goals in their life (short, middle or long term, it doesn't matter). And after a while, you switch from needing porn or else to using other skills to deal with you life. Most commonly we don't use porn because it's nice, but because we feel a need in some situations, can be boredom, loneliness, anger .... You have to start to find your own cues. And write about them everyday in your journal. Being anonymous here, you need to get use to be 100% honest with yourself. As you will realise, you have to deal truly with ourselves to be able to recover deeply. It will come with phases, but the rule Number 1 is NEVER GIVE UP and ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOUR JOURNAL.
Alright, my best founding during the recent weeks was to write in my journal, start setting a goal of 3, 7 , 14 days (like mentioned Frank) and also to listent to podcast when I commute or when I am alone (running, breaks, before I sleep etc.). I would advise you to listen to pornfree radio on podcast. I don't know if there are other like this one but I have started from the first session and I am enjoying it a lot really! It's about all the different sides of the addiction and there are a lot of stories and advises you can learn from.

During the first few days you will have to be humble with yourself and understand that this is not a quick fix that you need but a long term recovery. Be patient, learn to like the recovery process and enjoy yourself in a new way. Plus, share with us and you can learn from everyone else too.

Wow, that was a long post, anyways, welcome here, that's the first great step. And I wish you all the best!

Have fun!

 

[32]

Thanks. I realise that I'm learning, becoming more aware and growing hence the withdrawal has been difficult. Having  edged and looked at some pics I had a loud voice calling me to make a choice: with a rational hat it's life or death. I made the wrong decision despite my brain finally starting to think of porn as destructive and painful. Even though I told.myself to stay calm and upbeat, I am down. Borderline depressed. I hate what porn does to me and I've let it build up its destructive force for so many years. But I know that beating it is a must. As is taking control of my life. I'm currently reading a lot of really good book for self improvement and meditation etc. But it will take take. As you said I have to accept the difficulties it brings as m part of recovery. It's just sad, scary and I'm getting ill as a result.

 

[Jfp91]

Keep it up , i like the part about commiting to writing in your journal EVERYDAY that is all i'm striving for right now . Small sustainable victories , i know Porn is bad for a mutlitude of reasons

 

[I-am-not-a-slave-anymore]

Dude, you have a wife, quitting this sick habit should be easy peasy for you. Just quit watching the evil brain killing videos and show more love, respect and affection to your wife. Spend more time with her and minimal time on your computer. Start treating your wife to days out, walks, visits, adventures and excursions - that's what I would do. You are very lucky to have a loving wife. Practice gratitude.