Aspiring for a life of joy

[ma7eus]

Hi guys. This is my first journal entry on reboot nation. I'm a bit anxious about telling personal details of my own life on the internet, but I know it is meant to help me. So I'll do my best.

I'm male, straight, 19 yo. Never had a girlfriend, except for one in fourth grade, but that was virtually a child's joke. I've been watching porn since 10 and been addicted since 11, I guess. I once maneged to not look at porn for 165 days with the help of the Fortify Program. It was between october 2015 and april this year. But recently I had some setbacks and have been feeling pretty misarable about it. It takes me enormous strength just to get out of the bed and start my day.

The reason I feel this way now is because of the last porn I watched. In my recent setbacks, I was looking for some really hardcore porn and ended up feeling ashamed and inferior. I feel like no woman would desire me or love me because I'm not good looking, don't have a large penis, don't have an eternal erection. The truth is I really feel threatened by the standards porn imposes on us. I really feel threatened by handsome guys too to be honest, even if it sounds sort of patetic.

One thing that hurted me a lot yesterday was the session I had with my therapist. She told me the ONLY reason I was feeling misarable because of my setbacks was because sex is a social tabu. She tought I was suffering from moral injury, wich is just not true. Of course I don't like what I see and feel embarassed because of it, but it's way larger than that. The thing is, most people are not educated on the harmful effects of porn. I'm sick of trying to explain my condition to ignorant people who think I'm against porn just because I'm a religious nut or a conservative. There's plenty of scientific research about the harm of pornography on individuals and on society. I think it's so sad that the people need science to validate their believes and opinions. I'm a Christian but I never try to impose my beliefs on anybody. However, I'd like to recieve some respect. If I use religious arguments to position myself, everyone just turn their heads on me. It drives me crazy. I bet there were a lot of christian preachers who talked about the harms of porn decades before but were not listened to because they had no scientific arguments to support their positions. If we had better listened to them...

My therapist also told she thinks porn is "normal", that it is okay for me to watch once in a while, cause everyone does it sometimes. I just can't watch every once in a while because I'm addicted! It will not work for me. And I also don't think porn is normal. Like Gary Wilson said in his famous TED talk: "Imagine if all guys started smoking at age 10 and there were no groups that didn't. We would think that lung cancer is normal for all guys". I also think it is not normal for a 10 year old to watch brutal, impersonal and misogynistic sex with a woman. It is not normal to satisfy your sexual needs with a computer screem, rather than with a real person. When people are hungry, they don't watch videos of other people eating junk food on the internet to satisfy their needs. They just eat! It should be the same with sex. You can't get what yor're really looking for on a screem.

I think that's all for a start, really liked writing this. I should say I haven't watched porn in 4 days and have been trying to change my habits for good. Have been meditating, praying, exercising, talking about my feelings. But I'm still feeling terrible. I just wish I was happier.

 

[willtochange]

Thank you for sharing this, i agree with you.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi Ma7eus,

YOur post shows a lot of insight.  I have recently discovered a few therapists who resist the idea that porn is addictive.  This shows a lot of unwillingness to look at the research and an unwillingness to listen to people like yourself who have firsthand knowledge of its destructive influence.  IN all honesty I would think about getting another therapist unless you are being benifited clearly in other ways.
Congratulations on using the Fortify program.  I finished it a few weeks ago.  I find their battle tracker helpful.  I am using their techniques to get me through urges.  It may be a good idea for you to review some of their material periodically.

YOU say you were a user of porn since 11, but have no fear -- the brain works the same for us all.  You lose what you don't use.  and so as you abstain from PMO your brain naturally rewires itself so that cravings go down, you get much more in control with your conscious mind, you become clearer and self-confidence increases.

All this stuff about you never having a girlfirend is bunk.  YOU can have a meaningful relationship.  FO rnow concern yourself with getting good attitudes about women,  keep seeking your realtionship with God, walk free and this aspect of relationships will fall into place.  I also use the NoFapChristians forum.  You may find that helpful.
The fact is that anyone who has overcome a porn addiction has grown in tremendous ways.  That is going to be you.
It is good to see you come on this site.  There is a lot of wisdom and concern here.

 

[ma7eus]

Thank you guys, that means a lot to me. Sorry if I didn't say anything before. I just entered the university and my life is a mess now. I'm trying to find time to write more, though.

 

[ma7eus]

Hi, guys. I'm suffering intense despair now. I was jus recently rejected by a friend of mine who I love dearly, and my self-esteem - naturally low - dropped a lot. She didn't actually told me she didn't want to be with; she said that she is not looking for that kind of thing now, but it's obvious she doesn't reciprocate my feelings.
So, with that desappointment, my urge to see pornography has gone sky high; and so the beliefs I learned from porn. The thing that has been hurting me the most is to think that I'm not attractive; that attractiveness is what porn shows: a guy ripped as fuck with a giant penis. I feel so terribly inferior! Seeing that kind of man giving pleasure to a woman on the scream makes me feel that I'm not capable of pleasing a woman. I feel that my qualities are ones that make me a good friend and that's all; that in order to have sex or inspire desire I need to be incredibly handsome and strong, not give a damn for what the woman feels or thinks, have brutal sex without foreplays and still be able to give them orgasms. I don't see porn it's been a month, but I feel a strong desire to see that kind of stuff. I've masturbated a lot in this last month, and I think that too has become addictive.
The though of not being able to inspire desire is eating my guts inside. However, I must admit that whenever I go I find women that seem interested in me; it has always been like that. I can remember these girls that I thought were incredibly beautiful interested and nervous near me. But somehow it doesn't seem enough to make myself more comfortable. Maybe because it's been a long time since it happened and the recent girls that seems interested in me are ones that I find very unattractive. You guys may have noticed alredy my state of mind: I'm judging myself and everyone now.
I do therapy and my therapist said that there are a lot of girls that find me attractive but I refuse to see it. It's because it makes no sense to me!! I'm desperate guys. The porn nightmare is haunting me. I don't feel capable of trusting myself. I'm so depressed I don't know what to do.
If you could say something, anything that would help me I'd love to hear it. I'm really fragile now, really vulnerable, so please take it easy.

 

[Crystal]

Hi guys. This is my first journal entry on reboot nation. I'm a bit anxious about telling personal details of my own life on the internet, but I know it is meant to help me. So I'll do my best.

I'm male, straight, 19 yo. Never had a girlfriend, except for one in fourth grade, but that was virtually a child's joke. I've been watching porn since 10 and been addicted since 11, I guess. I once maneged to not look at porn for 165 days with the help of the Fortify Program. It was between october 2015 and april this year. But recently I had some setbacks and have been feeling pretty misarable about it. It takes me enormous strength just to get out of the bed and start my day.

The reason I feel this way now is because of the last porn I watched. In my recent setbacks, I was looking for some really hardcore porn and ended up feeling ashamed and inferior. I feel like no woman would desire me or love me because I'm not good looking, don't have a large penis, don't have an eternal erection. The truth is I really feel threatened by the standards porn imposes on us. I really feel threatened by handsome guys too to be honest, even if it sounds sort of patetic.

One thing that hurted me a lot yesterday was the session I had with my therapist. She told me the ONLY reason I was feeling misarable because of my setbacks was because sex is a social tabu. She tought I was suffering from moral injury, wich is just not true. Of course I don't like what I see and feel embarassed because of it, but it's way larger than that. The thing is, most people are not educated on the harmful effects of porn. I'm sick of trying to explain my condition to ignorant people who think I'm against porn just because I'm a religious nut or a conservative. There's plenty of scientific research about the harm of pornography on individuals and on society. I think it's so sad that the people need science to validate their believes and opinions. I'm a Christian but I never try to impose my beliefs on anybody. However, I'd like to recieve some respect. If I use religious arguments to position myself, everyone just turn their heads on me. It drives me crazy. I bet there were a lot of christian preachers who talked about the harms of porn decades before but were not listened to because they had no scientific arguments to support their positions. If we had better listened to them...

My therapist also told she thinks porn is "normal", that it is okay for me to watch once in a while, cause everyone does it sometimes. I just can't watch every once in a while because I'm addicted! It will not work for me. And I also don't think porn is normal. Like Gary Wilson said in his famous TED talk: "Imagine if all guys started smoking at age 10 and there were no groups that didn't. We would think that lung cancer is normal for all guys". I also think it is not normal for a 10 year old to watch brutal, impersonal and misogynistic sex with a woman. It is not normal to satisfy your sexual needs with a computer screem, rather than with a real person. When people are hungry, they don't watch videos of other people eating junk food on the internet to satisfy their needs. They just eat! It should be the same with sex. You can't get what yor're really looking for on a screem.

I think that's all for a start, really liked writing this. I should say I haven't watched porn in 4 days and have been trying to change my habits for good. Have been meditating, praying, exercising, talking about my feelings. But I'm still feeling terrible. I just wish I was happier.

Thank you for sharing! Setbacks can indeed make you really miserable, so when they happen to me I try to change my perspective. Instead of a fail, I see it as a learning opportunity. Ask yourself what triggered it, what you were feeling at the time and come up with a battle plan, ideas on what you can start doing the next time you feel tempted. For me, exercise, ASMR, games, writing, chatting with friends and cooking have all done nicely as go-to porn alternatives. Good luck man, you can do it!

 

[Crystal]

Also, you mentioned you are Christian--me too! If you aren't familiar with Matt Fradd, definitely check him out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhkRbsmCv1s

 

[prozilla]

Don't beat yourself up about this addiction. Practically every guy has looked at porn at least once, and you're not really that different from the rest of us. Honestly, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can. Don't worry about those other girls that rejected you. Tomorrow is another day to become a better person and improve your life.

 

[Israel Brightsky]

Hi ma7eus,

I know the what you mean by feeling like you're "undatable." I've gone my entire life without a girlfriend too and when I had graduated high  school, I had actually resolved to never date, to never get married, never deal with everything that came with all of that. The standards set for guys in porn and even just in today's culture are impossible because the guys that look like that are paid to be ripped studs who can get laid because it's their "job." I thought that since I couldn't achieve something like that, why bother if no one's going to notice me?

Not too long after that, however, I heard a call to Christianity and found more purpose in life than looking for someone to date. It was a long process though. After having this turn around, I found a group of friends who all were dating someone. This made me feel that I was missing out, and I wanted to find someone to date. Two problems with this:

1. No confidence to go up to someone and ask her out
2. I had no reason to be dating because I didn't know where I was going in life

Joshua Harris describes singleness as a gift from God, a unique time in our lives that we only get once to have nothing tie us down from serving Him. Of course, this isn't saying that having a spouse ties us down, but it means that in marriage we have to think about the other person if, for example, we go off to a different city for a long term mission trip or something else that might require us to focus solely on serving God.

I also saw that you mentioned entering your university recently. If you haven't already, definitely try to get plugged into a church if it's somewhere different than your hometown. But don't simply "try" one church and then stick with it. Find one where the people invest in you. There are a lot of places out there that are all about meeting once a week for some sermon and that's all and if you want to be really intense, you'll go out for a Wednesday night bible study. That's garbage. Acts 2 describes the early church as a group of people who had everything in common and met EVERYDAY, not just once, to eat together and pray for one another. Meeting every single day is a hard thing to do, maybe even impossible sometimes, but as long as it's a group of people willing to know who you are and their willing to be vulnerable with you and get to know you and look out for you, that's something worth investing in.

 

[ma7eus]

Thank you, for all your kind words, gentleman.  8)
Hey Crystal, I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am to you for showing me the meaning of success the work of Matt Fradd. I just loved the man and watching his talks made cry like a baby, something that hasn't happen in a long time. I even feel a little bit more hopeful. Thank you so much!!
Thank you Prozilla. I know I have to love myself, but it has been really hard. It seems almost impossible sometimes to find reasons to love myself.
Thank you, Israel. I found out that I feel ok being single. The thing that hurts me the most, though, is feeling like I'm ugly and unattractive. But I'm trying to figure out ways to solve this. Also I alredy attend groups in the local church. I teach young children how to play the guitar and also do charity work. But I haven't attended all the meeting because of my studies. The university is making me very tired and busy. I see what you mean by being in a group of people that are willing to be vulnerable and open to each other, but I don't have that in my church, yet. I hope I can find a group like that in here - there are many groups I don't know. Thanks for expanding my perspective.

 

[ma7eus]

Hey guys, here I am again.

My cravings keep very strong. I haven't looked at porn in 5 days and I'm thankful, but there are some other problems here: I found a way to induce myself orgasms without needing to touch my penis, it's embarrasing, actually. It happens so because the cravings come really intense and the images take my head, my imagination completely. So I keep focusing on them and contract some of the parts of my pelvic area (I don't know if this is the part of my body that I mean; my english is not that technical) until I have an orgasm. It is not the act per say of watching porn, but it probably reinforces the same neural pathways that porn would reinforce - that's what scares the hell out of me. I don't wanna watch porn without watching porn!!!! I know it makes no sense, but it is what happened today.

I'm probably going through depression right now. I'm incredbly insecure about my body, my face, my sexual perfomance. I keep thinking that the dream of every girl is to find a brawny bad boy with a giant penis and surrender herself to him enterely. That makes my heart ache. I think I'm probably in the most insecure phase of my entire life. I wrote in a post before that I've just been rejected by a girl that I love. Well, it doesn't hurt nearly as much when YOU reject YOURSELF completely. Do you think, guys, that some girl could be sexaully attracted to me, a skinny guy with a little penis? I know it sounds pathetic, but I can't help thinking like this.

But if there's something for which I gotta be thankful are my friends. I have many friends, and they are all concerned with me and my happiness. A friend of mine, who is a girl, sent me an audio today saying all my qualities. She said I'm really intelligent, passionate, creative, kind, sweet, unique and that is all that matters in the end. She said I'm good looking too, but that is a little harder to believe, because of my negative thoughts. And at the end, she said she loves me, that is all going to pass and that she'll be with me no matter what happens. And I am crying as I write this because I don't understand how can someone love me like this, in such an honest way. I'm really grateful for her, but I have to start believing in what she said so I can love myself too. I have been experiencing such hard days lately that I feel that even God doesn't love me anymore. I'm numb for His love and everyone elses and I don't want this to go on. If He loves me, I wanna feel it!! But how?

I just want to express my gratitude for everyone that has commented and tried to help me. I feel like a loser and a great mess but I won't give up!! See you all later.