J316 journal

[J316]

Day 59

Good day today. Made about $155 at work, which is always good. Went out to a bar with some people after work, which was fun. Can't believe I'm almost at day 60.

In other news today, my dad found a job that he'll be starting on Monday. So I'll be home alone, which is usually a big trigger for me. But I'm feeling okay, I'm not that concerned about it. My mom says I should be, that I should be worried. She's basing it on past history, which I understand, but I'm just not that worried. Maybe I should be, based on past behavior, but I'm just feeling okay. Of course, almost every time I've relapsed I've felt okay and haven't been concerned, so she probably has a point.

 

[J316]

Day 67

Sorry i haven't posted in a while. I'm doing really really well though, which is always good to report. Been kind of uneventful, really. Just going to work and coming home. I need to get more done with my days, but i don't really know what else to do. I've been working on writing my book a bit.

 

[phenix]

I get the feeling it's a good sign you're not posting as much!

 

[J316]

Day 78

So I keep forgetting to post on here, sorry. Things are going...alright I guess. A couple things have popped up that I need to talk about.

One, I had a psych eval done. It said that I have poor impulse control (obviously) but it also said something else. Apparently, my personality test answers matched that of a sociopath. I don't think I'm a sociopath, so that was very troubling to hear. I've been pouring over the test in my mind and trying to figure how that could possibly be. I think it's because many of the symptoms of sociopathy are also symptoms of addiction. Lying, acting irresponsibly, being irritable, etc. I'm hoping that's the case.

Also, I work as a server at a dine-in movie theater, and recently I've been serving in the movie Fifty Shades Darker, a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought this would be a big struggle for me, but it's turned out to be more annoying than anything. I'm taking that as a good sign, a sign that my brain is finally starting to rewire.

The other night at work, while working the movie Hidden Figures, a girl left me her number. I was thrilled and started texting with her, but then my parents pointed out that I'm not in a position to start a relationship at the moment, for various reasons, and that it was unfair to her to act otherwise. I want to continue texting with her, but I'm realizing that it's more just for the ego hit than anything else, and that's not fair to her. There's a lot of bad shit going on in my life right now, and I really want to just feel like a normal fucking person who can get a cute girl's number and talk to her, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not a normal person right now, and flirting with someone can lead me down a slippery slope that I have no business being on. Still, it sucks, because I was enjoying our conversations. But like I said I was more in it for the ego boost than anything else, and that's not healthy. It sucks, but it's what I have to deal with right now.

 

[stayingclean]

Day 78

So I keep forgetting to post on here, sorry. Things are going...alright I guess. A couple things have popped up that I need to talk about.

One, I had a psych eval done. It said that I have poor impulse control (obviously) but it also said something else. Apparently, my personality test answers matched that of a sociopath. I don't think I'm a sociopath, so that was very troubling to hear. I've been pouring over the test in my mind and trying to figure how that could possibly be. I think it's because many of the symptoms of sociopathy are also symptoms of addiction. Lying, acting irresponsibly, being irritable, etc. I'm hoping that's the case.

Unless a couple of therapists and clinical psychologists actually diagnose you as a sociopath don't worry about it. A lot of time these psych eval's will give you these diagnosis while they'll be far off and in reality only dealing with the shallow answers you give them. I know this because I'm studying Psychology and have a friend who has interned in a clinical therapist's clinic.

 

[J316]

Day 82

Thanks, stayingclean. That's the general consensus that I got; that these tests were extremely subjective and I shouldn't really worry about it.

In other news, I've been doing alright. My sister came home from college over the weekend so that was fun. I wish I was still in school, but for reasons too long to get into right now I can't be at this time and likely won't be for a very long while.

I need to work on being more emotional. That may sound weird at first, but I almost never have any outward display of emotion (except maybe anger) no matter how bad things get. I'm going through a very difficult time right now, and you wouldn't know it by looking at me. Normally, this type of thing doesn't bother me. I know what I'm feeling and it doesn't matter to me if other people do. But for certain reasons it's really important right now for people to know how I'm feeling about various things, and I'm finding it surprisingly difficult to accurately portray my feelings. It's a hard thing to work at, because I don't want to end up faking or over-exaggerating what I feel or making it look like I'm just acting, but at the same time outward displays of emotion don't come naturally to me. They just don't. Has anyone else had this problem? If so, how did you deal with it?