Looking for advice...

[babydoll]

Ok so I am really new to this whole concept. I am doing this for my hubby, who has actually yet to realize that there is a problem, at least from what I am aware of. I want to do some research on all of this and present it to him so that he can see that he has a problem and we can take the steps to get everything back on track. If I go about this without a strategy or extensive proof, I know he won't pay it any attention, and honestly I think we have a pretty big problem, or at least the potential for a big problem.

He is 34 and I am 29. We've been together over 10 years (married 7yrs, with 2 kids- 8 and 4 yo). He has always had a much higher sex drive than me. Because of this, he masturbates quite often, and unlike some couples, I have always been aware of him looking at some form of porn. And for the most part, it never really bothered me too much, other than I felt he used it too often and that he seemed to have a jaded sense of reality that it seems guys get from reading/watching porn. Always asking me to wear sexy stuff (which isn't really 'me' but I would do it on occasion) or always wanting it rough and doggie style w/o much foreplay instead of slow and sensual with lots of petting and playing (which is something I really enjoy).

I started getting concerned when I found him talking to other girls online, befriending random girls on facebook just so he can see their pics. I kept finding the pictures he'd save on the computer (currently over 1800 pics in the file he saves them too). Keep in mind, we have a pretty open relationship, so we don't hide things from each other so it was pretty easy to find the pictures. I know they are there, and used to delete them on occasion, but he would just fill it back up again.

I'd be willing to bet that this obsession with sexy/naked pictures of these girls most likely contributes to my lower libido. I am overweight and been so all my life, and have suffered some self confidence issues. It's not as big of a deal these days as it was in my teens but I still think that maybe deep down, because I see him looking at all these girls that are so much sexier than I am, that I feel I'm not enough for him. I try to ask him to stop, but he just brushes it off like its no big deal.

But the warning bells didn't start going off until recently, when I noticed some rather disturbing search phrases. Things that I won't go into detail about, but that I know he wouldn't normally think about.

I began to take a closer look at things...

He has always taken a while to come, and for the most part I can't really complain. I definitely am not looking a gift horse in the mouth on that one. But lately it seems to be taking longer and longer for him to climax (30-4minutes+) and he can't seem to come unless I'm either doggy style or at least laying on my stomach.. Sometimes everything is fine, and we bask in our post-coital aftermath. But other times, I've done gone and lost my mood (usually after coming multiple times) and he is still going at it. Once he realizes I'm no longer in the mood, he gets upset and frustrated at me (and usually results to porn to finish himself off). And I get frustrated too because I couldn't figure out if it was something wrong with me (or how he feels about me), or if there was something wrong with him, when all I want is for us to have a normal sex life (or as normal as it can be with kids)

I've also noticed that he goes often goes soft in the middle of sex, and at first I found myself questioning if I still turned him on. Then, after realizing that was not the problem, I began thinking that maybe it was just that he was getting older. When we first got together, he was young and virile and we could go multiple sessions with no problem. Now not so much. And of course I didn't think to question this. It seemed logical enough.

But something kept nagging at me that there was a problem. And I decided to find out what it was and if there was some way to help him fix it.

After doing a bit of research, I decided to experiment, as a way to gauge what actually happens, since I'm not usually paying that close of attention to what goes on. I noticed that he didn't even get the least bit hard from any of the foreplay, and kept going soft (or at least semi-soft) once I started giving him oral. I knew then that it was confirmed.

First of all, am I right in assuming there is a problem? (I'm positive that there is but reassurance is always appreciated.)

So I guess  what I want to know is, how do I go about telling him that there is a real problem, without damaging his pride, at least too badly anyway? I really want to help him find himself again. I want my honey back to normal so we can enjoy our love making again. I'm even willing to try to give in more often, with in reason, in order to help curb his appetite, providing he spends sometime stoking the fire first.

I wanted to bring all this up to him, and show him some 'research' sites that will get the point across enough for him to realize the problem and know that, with a little effort, it can be fixed. But I don't want to overload him with repetitive info. What would be the best pages to start with?

Thanks in advance for all your help!!!

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Great post Babydoll and thanks for sharing. I appreciate your not going into explicit detail but can I say I 'get where you are coming from...'

I'm happily in a good relationship since divorcing my Wife of eighteen years plus. The whole relationship was in fact wrong from the start. I would not say that we never loved each other and we now have two grown up children. However, I see some similarities between what was happening in that relationship and what you are writing here.

I am pretty convinced that PMO affects male libido and male sexual potency. With a screen, your hand and a keyboard, you set the pace! For many of us guys it's way too quick! Hence, type engagement in real sex, that takes time, thought, concern, patience, becomes often nearly impossible. If anything we may have got to a stage where the Porn is in fact so distorting our view of humble 'reality' that we simply 'soften' at most sexual activity. We may then get angry, which leads to further questioning our own masculinity, and potentially a desire to blame our partner!

My Ex-Wife possibly also suffered with her own self confidence and body image issues. I think we had both been almost the victims of rather over bearing Father figures and our relationship,me end before we married, was always 'stormy.' I wouldn't say that there were not times when the was close, tender, emotional, satisfying and complete. Of course there were but it was as if she expected something harder, with more vigour and possibly some degree of almost 'control'. Naturally, that is not really part of my masculinity. I'm more concerned, emotional, soft, caring, thoughtful and even, God forbid, romantic! In fact, rather more like my oldest Son! Which is kind of nice really.

Good luck to you both and take care!

 

[fnatk]

Hi there babydoll! First off, I want to say that your partner is lucky to have you! You seem patient and understanding even when faced with something that must be very frustrating. This isn't going to be easy, especially since he needs to realize he has a problem, and from the symptoms you describe, it sure sounds like he has the classic ones; getting soft during intercourse, foreplay is a low priority, only certain positions "work" for him and even being unable to orgasm without porn aiding him (Desensitization!).

Perhaps this TED talk is one of the best starting points, perhaps watch it with him? Its the one that got me to really wake up and realize what I was doing to myself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Then I'd go to these pages and read up and decide which ones you think he'll recognize himself in the most:

http://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do

http://yourbrainonporn.com/desensitization-numbed-pleasure-response

http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us

http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-question

I hope that helps you a bit on the way, finding 2-3 pages perhaps that you can read together or he can read on his own is probably the best start, so its not too much info at once. Maybe have him read a few journals in his age group here on the forum? He might very well recognize himself in them (Perhaps pick a few that seem to be close to your own situation?).

 

[Rainiegirl]

Tell him about the activities that you have discovered him doing. Show him Your brain on porn and tell him how porn addiction is very common nowadays. If he dosent connect to the stories on there then I would suggest you buy the book Out of the Shadow by Patrick Carnes and read it together if he won't read it himself. I've learnt from my spouse how pornography addiction can develop into a more complex sex addiction if someone dosent do something about it soon enough. From some of the things you mentioned you might have to handle it that way.

 

[Bibbity]

I am definitely more of a "hard ass" so I freaked out.....but my situation was different from yours and frustration was high!

My advice is to speak from the heart and tell him everything you've told us.  Good luck

 

[babydoll]

Thanks for all your help so far. Between all the threads I've read the past few days and the wonderful information provided on YBOP and the like, I think I have enough proof to plan out my "Intervention".

Hopefully if all goes well, he will take the steps necessary so we can get back to where we should be.

Thanks again for all the motivation and words of encouragement!!!

 

[fnatk]

Sounds like good news, let us know how things go with the intervention, we're rooting for you!

 

[babydoll]

well it's day one and things are going so much better than I'd predicted. I talked to him about it (it was via email, some might say that isn't the best way to discuss important things, but a lot of times when things are really important to me I feel I get my thoughts out better when I can see the words. He understands that and I think it works well for him too.) I told him about the problem, what we can do to fix it and that I loved him more than anything and would be there to support him no matter what. I also told him that in order for this to work he had to be ready for change, and that if he wasn't ready I would stand by him until he was, then get through it together.

He messaged me back, while I was at work, saying that he read the email, knew I loved him and that he was ready. I'm not sure if it took me pointing out the problem for him to realize there was one or if he suspected something has been wrong prior to me telling him. either way I actually expected an argument of sorts, not a fight, but a disagreement with debate on whether a problem actually existed. Instead he just gave in willingly and has accepted it and wants help.
Thank you God!!

I was in total shock just a few minutes ago. I just was going to check email/FB before going to work today, and noticed the desktop looked a bit different... Curiosity struck and I figured out that  he DELETED YAHOO MESSENGER. That might not mean a lot to some people but that shows me he is willing to let it all go, or at least try. And to really drive it all home, he actually deleted his stash of pics on the computer(unless he hid them, which I really don't want to think about that right this minute). This is HUGE!! I'm doing the happy dance inside right now!

Thanks so much everyone, we will keep you posted on the progress. Not sure he would be comfortable posting online himself about it all though, as he is very closed off and intraverted most of the time. (besides with me, which is nice)

;D

 

[Bibbity]

That is great!!  I am hoping the best for you two

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but you have to remain vigilant about this as it is an addiction afterall (if he actually is addicted).  Some of us have heard the "yes I will give it up" only to be surprised in the end.  Just keep your heart and eyes open.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

And not for the first time.

It is indeed a good sign that he looks like he is making positive changes, but agreeing with Bibbity, most of us here will probably tell you, we did that too.  Oh yes, we were going to change.  Delete all those files, dump our accounts, etc.  But the pull is very strong.  Most of will also tell you that it was not long before those files start creeping back in and suddenly the memory of the password to an old account flashes back in our minds.  Sigh.

I do hope yours and his experience will be different from mine!  It is a very long road, but worth it in the long run!

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Babydoll I'm not sure if this insight will help you both but here goes anyway.

I must start by telling you that I consider my ex Wife to have been an emotional abuser. We were married eighteen year and from tye time I first met her (we went out for over three years) she knew I used porn.

I tried to stop many times and, as has been mentioned here, the stuff just crept back in....It seems to me that your partner is a very lucky man. You are WITH him in his desire to stop using porn. Sadly, my porn use was in fact fed by an increasing DISLIKE of tye way my ex Wife treated myself. She did the kind of emotional damage to my self esteeme that was impossible to recover from and still live with her. I recall her as a total BULLY, not only with myself but with our children as well. She had a controlling Father and I suspect that made her controlling.

The strangest thing happened almost immidatly after she walked out on myself and the kids many years ago. Instead of what you might expect and me turning to porn for solace, with days my porn use had dropped to almost NIL. Her leaving was like turning off a switch! The frustration and the angst she caused in my life was gone for ever! Sure, it was a massive emotional blow, but with the help of a FANTASTIC counsellor I realised that firstly I had never learned to 'self-soothe' and secondly I had never learned to 'still the mill' of ruminating thoughts. Without having to worry about her, these things at last became possible.

It was also very interesting to me how much out and out hatred she had engendered in myself in eighteen years. Most couples will just get things out in the open, have a shouting match, move on and move forwards. They will sort of 'rod out the drain' when the relationship starts to clogg with a bit of debris here and there but not X, she'd lock it all up, store it all away and there she would let stuff fester! I could dig through the blockage as much as I wanted but she'd never pick up a spade!
So it was patently obivious that the damn would break big time and it sure did. Without needing her I was free to share with her all the hurt she had caused me over eighteen years. It was not pretty but, give her her due, she took what she had helped to create in that time....Maybe, porn wise it stopped me being totally up front with her! Maybe, as even she agreed, I should have just put the gloves on and coming out fighting now and again. Me, I just rolled over and played dead! It was a far easier life!

So what I'm saying is your partner is lucky to have you WITH him in all this final release from addiction. He's lucky he has somebody with emotional intelligence! My ex Wife simply could NOT hack it on that level. There was simply no real emotion and no creativity.