Age 30, 200 days no porn, rebooting with partner, ups and downs

[clamborne]

This is the boat I'm in. I've been getting wild boners all day just thinking about my girlfriend, and last night when we went to a couple of bars I was getting the kind of hard-ons that I thought were going to rip through my trousers. So much so, that my twig and berries were in serious pain when I got home last night.

But then we can be half-naked and all I can muster is semis. It's like my brain is just thinking, nope, this isn't porn. Down you go.

 

[Cyber Junkie]

Just a shout out to write that your posts are great fun and encouraging reading as well. 

 

[misc person 86]

This is the boat I'm in. I've been getting wild boners all day just thinking about my girlfriend, and last night when we went to a couple of bars I was getting the kind of hard-ons that I thought were going to rip through my trousers. So much so, that my twig and berries were in serious pain when I got home last night.

But then we can be half-naked and all I can muster is semis. It's like my brain is just thinking, nope, this isn't porn. Down you go.

Clamborne!! Yes it's bloody awful and I worked my self into a complete emotional frenzy trying to figure it out... So don't do that, just give it time (I know EVERYONE says that) but it really is the only cure.

Cyber junkie! Glad you're enjoying reading them and they're helping... They're getting less and less depressing now as I come out the other side of this nightmare.

 

[Cyber Junkie]

I'd suggest reading "Your Brain on Porn" because what you've described are the classic effects of long-term dopamine/porn addiction. From what I understand, what we are addicted to is arousal or the anticipation of sex, rather than the sex itself. I remember when I was deep into my addiction, clicking from video to video, edging for hours, only to climax and post-ejaculation I'd feel completely hollow and perhaps a bit ashamed. A healthy brain gets pleasure from having sex, whereas the porn addict's brain gets most of its pleasure from a semi-permanent state of screen and video arousal. No one partner can satisfy the porn addict's constant need for newness and novelty. What you've described is what I experienced as well, a huge feeling of arousal and yet very little pleasure from the sexual act. This is because I trained my brain that way. But it got better.  Our brains need time to rewire from screens = sex to woman = sex. We are, in essence, re-learning true sex and intimacy. I'd say give it time my friends and don't get too frustrated. In the meantime, I'd stop trying to re-create porn scenes in the bedroom. Find other ways to give and receive pleasure without the laser-like focus on penetration and porn-like erections. This can include kissing, oral, and massage to name a few. Once I took the emphasis off my dick, I just naturally started to perform again. Hope that helps!   

 

[misc person 86]

OMG... I've gone into a flat line! Had 9 very amazing sexual encounters with rock solid erections over 2 week... It came to number 10 and my erection was at like 60-70% hard... I ejaculated but I knew this was not a good sign.

The next couple of days we tried sex and I got hard, but when it came to intercourse it just disappeared and I felt nothing again. Argh!!! I was so close to thinking I'd beaten this.

The symptoms are very similar to performance anxiety when I'm in the bedroom, but I'm definitely confident it's not that. My morning wood has stopped for now, and I'm relaxed as always with my GF. It feels like it did a couple of months back.

I'm trying not to freak out, because we had the best run of sex (and best sex I've ever had) over the last 2 weeks and I know that's a result of abstaining from PMO. And I know that my libido will come back.

My only anxiety is that when it comes back... What if my libido lasts less time than it did this previous 2 week? What if I only get a week out of it before I flat line again?

I'm working away for a few days.

 

[willtochange]

I can see how this is discouraging man, hang in there and keep up the good fight. Try and turn those negative what ifs into positive ones, often times the anticipatory anxiety is worse than what really happens.

 

[CVMD]

That sucks. But it's still great progress overall. I'm sure when you first started this journey, you would have been ecstatic to be able to have successful sex 50% of the time, let alone 90%. I know people who've done this a long time say that they see improvements months and even years after they considered themselves "healed". You've come so far. Probably a good way to look at it is not that your dick failed this time, but that as great as the sex has been recently, it's going to get even better.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I wanted to post an update, mostly just to write my own thoughts down since I doubt I'd post enough to be worth making my own thread. I told the girl I was seeing about being a virgin and PIED and how I'm working on it. She said no one had told her about anything like this before and that she didn't know what to say. I said just to think things over and let me know how she felt after some time. We spent the whole day together after talking about it that morning. Two days after I left she said she had thought about it and didn't think we should continue because sex was very important to her. I was hurt, but I understood and the discussion was friendly.

About a week later she texted me, saying she missed spending time together and wanted to resume dating. I asked her what changed, and she said that we had been so honest with each other and that maybe we could continue and not have any anxiety on either end. She also said she felt she could initiate more and be more open discussing bedroom activities (I think this is in reference to my sexual inexperience and her guiding me on how to pleasure her even if I can't get an erection). I won't be able to see her for a few weeks due to traveling, but I agreed with continuing the relationship. I like her and even if it doesn't work out long-term, I think being with her will help me rewire. She echoed the sentiment, if not the exact words. Now I keep thinking about how much I want to fuck her, for both our pleasure, but I know my penis isn't ready yet. I hope these next couple weeks will be enough for me to get hard for her and show her how attracted I am to her, even if I'm not healed enough for PiV yet.

 

[misc person 86]

Cheers for the support CVMD.

It's always an unknown telling a potential partner about PIED.
You've done the right thing, and if she's the right girl you, she'll support you. All the best!

 

[aquarius25]

I just wanted to say thank you. You have a great attitude and as an SO its very healing to see men working through this with a great attitude. As for the flatline they can be difficult but don't be hard on yourself. As far as working in bed goes. For myself as well as almost any girl I know as long as a guy knows how to get me to O I don't care if he can get hard or not. Obliviously the preference is for the real thing but honestly don't sweat it. Seems to me that could take a lot of the performance anxiety off the table to know. If you notice things aren't working out and your not getting hard, or you are loosing it then just do some other stuff. She will have a great time and think nothing less of you. If anything its really sweet to care for her needs even when your not working perfectly. Knowing that you can take care of her even when your not rock hard could be a huge confidence booster too.
Hang in there. As long as you are talking to her and being honest and pleasing her she will be fine. Keep up the good work!You are doing a great job! This will be worth it!

 

[misc person 86]

Aquarius! Glad you think I'm doing things right, cheers. Sometimes I feel pretty low if it ain't going my way, but I just have to look back at how dreadful things were 8 months ago and things look less bleak then. Funnily enough about orgasms... My GF says she can only O through being on top... I'm trying damn hardest to prove her wrong though haha. Yesterday I couldn't get it up... But then I got it up and sex was great... I have no idea what's going on now.

 

[aquarius25]

Lots of women are that way. I am the same where on top is the most effective. If she hasn't children then they might not have noticed yet but its usually caused by a tilted uterus. Pretty common. So her G-spot is going to be in a slightly different spot and when she is on top is when your penis rubs against it best. She could probably O from other things but you might not be taking into account the angle that she needs. When fooling around think about the direction your penis is in and where it rubs on her, focus on those areas and she will probably get a lot better response.
I could be totally off base but hey its worth a try right? Good luck!

 

[misc person 86]

Cheers Aquarius!! Will certainly give it a go.

 

[misc person 86]

I've had no libido now since end of September. Tried sex a bit.... Erection comes then vanishes like it did months ago. So embarrassed that I actually thought I'd beaten this. Feels like I'm nowhere near now. Had really good sex consecutively 10 times in a row over 2 weeks, so I wouldn't have thought that was "over doing" it? I'm trying to ride it out. I'm questioning my testosterone levels and all sorts now.

 

[CVMD]

It wouldn't hurt to get checked out by a doctor.  It could also just be a natural lull that has nothing to do with PIED (we are all in our 30's now and don't have those adolescent hormones).  No matter the cause I'm sure you know what to do.  Stay away from PMO and keep fooling around with your girlfriend, making her happy until things inevitably start working again.

 

[misc person 86]

Cheers CVMD. Funnily enough we had great sex lastnight. I spent ages focusing on her bits down below and it was a real turn on. In terms of a natural lull in libido, that's a good point. Though, if it was a natural lull I wouldn't want sex at all, right?... Instead, I'm wanting sex, getting hard, then losing it before/shortly after sex. Surely this is not the sign of low libido? Is it safe to assume if I can GET an erection, I should be able to KEEP it strong enough until I climax?

Last night I was really, REALLY getting into her orally... I'm worried that it was a bit porn like and it may be doing me damage. What am I to do? I naturally wanted to get really filthy with her... So I ran with it. I'm bricking it for next time.

 

[CVMD]

Yeah sounds like it could be vestiges of PIED.  But if you're say, 90% cured, that remaining 10% probably flares up when there's other things going on in your life like stress at work, lack of sleep for a few days, natural lulls where your mind is horny, but your body doesn't totally follow, etc.  Still wouldn't hurt to get a regular checkup with your doctor if you haven't had one recently.  Things like testosterone, blood pressure, thyroid hormone could all inhibit erections and it might give you some peace of mind to know that physically you're well.

As for being "porn-like" I feel like as long as your mind is present and focused on you and your girl and not wandering off into imagination and fantasy, then anything is fair game.  That's all part of the rewiring process.  But as soon as you stop being "in the moment" then I think that risks going into bad territory.

 

[misc person 86]

CVMD. Sweet, thanks for getting back to me.

The day after we had sex in the dark. I saw nothing, but was rock solid just from touch, smell and sound so I'm well happy with that. I hadn't been affected from the previous nights visually stimulating sex... to put it one way. I think I'm good again... I also had been working way too hard at the gym so took a few days off just incase that was messing with my hormones.

 

[misc person 86]

I'm getting really desperate again. I had really nice sex in the dark last weekend, something I thought was a great sign of recovery. But since, I've been really sloppy.

I'm worried about what I did last night, I hope you can help...

I was struggling with maintaining arousal after giving my GF oral. She gave me a BJ and we just about managed sex and both came. I'm worried that in order to keep my self aroused enough I was "looking" at her fanny and bum a lot... Something she picked up on. She said, she can tell when I'm not 100% aroused as I need to look at her body parts visually more... Instead of relying on kissing. In fact, she commented saying I hardly kissed her. I feel awful enough about that on it's own.

I need to know, is this a major step backwards? I must've been basically viewing her as P in order to stay aroused... And even then i wasn't completely hard. I feel I've undone a lot of work here. Advice much needed.

 

[davenl]

Looking at your GF's bum is not something to be ashamed of mate. In fact, if you ask me, it would be really strange if you wouldn't be looking ;-) Real sex is about what you see, feel, hear and smell. Porn is not. If looking at her does the trick for you right now (or at least for a bit) in my opinion you are heading in the right direction.

In my own case looking at the girl still doesn't really turn me on so I am actually quite jealous :-D For me the feeling part starts to become more active.

Just go with the flow. Do what makes you feel good. As long as you stay away from porn I am sure everything will become better eventually. Accept the fact that you need time and mostly try to enjoy anything you actually CAN at the moment.

 

[misc person 86]

OK Dave. Thanks for those words. How's your reboot going? You started at a similar time to me?