Posting in the Partners' Forum

[TK-421]

Hey Rebooters,

I've noticed several instances lately of guys posting on the partners' side where the tone isn't great (one poster in particular). I'm not looking to pick a fight with anyone, but I think it would be helpful if rebooters could refrain from going into their forum and making what are essentially argumentative posts. There are lots of folks here who are working through all sorts of issues and I love that for the most part it is an extremely supportive forum. It's not a debate club, so going to the partners' forum to engage in arguments or set them straight isn't cool. I know I would not appreciate partners posting uninvited in my journal, telling me exactly what they think of me and what I should be doing.  If the particular thread invites comments from rebooters, go ahead and participate but otherwise I think it's better to remain silent, even if we disagree with some of the views.

Again, not looking to start arguments - I've just seen a bit too much of these types of discussions lately and wanted to raise it as an issue.

Wishing everyone well.

 

[NwaltRed]

:

I can take a hint 

 

[malando]

I've left the women's part of the forum now. The only time I've been back was to clarify something I was misquoted on. I'm happy for them to have their section to themselves. It's theirs to use as they wish. I agree we should stay out of it.

 

[NwaltRed]

The only time I "set people straight" is when they are offering their advice directly to rebooters.
Even then it is normally to garner a better understanding of the advice.

If someone says "rebooters should be more aware of objectification of women and the harm it causes", my curiosity pushes me to learn more about the objective harm it apparently causes. 

 

[DontGiveUp7]

I have also noticed this here and there but there are also a few others in the porn addiction section who are very harsh with their advice which really isn't advice at all.

 

[NwaltRed]

This issue also concerns me.  I've been to different forums in the past (and now), both with addicts and partners.  All of those forums either eventually restricted the addicts' and partners' boards to addicts and partners respectively, or very strongly warned against cross-posting.  And having been on those forums, I could tell you there was a VERY GOOD reason for this.  Unfortunately I don't see any warnings here, and I feel that there at least should be warnings for both addicts and partners.

There's a reason you don't allow just anybody to walk into a drug rehab facility for example.  And I can tell you, this issue goes both ways.  I've met very good partners of other addicts, women who have taught me a lot.  I also came into touch with severely codependent women who essentially spent their time attacking porn addicts, justified it with their victimhood, and basically had the attitude that porn addicts, not even their partners, deserved to be shamed and should just pick themselves up by their bootstraps and deal with the shaming.  In one case, a woman actually told an addict she was debating to go and watch porn when he disagreed with something, on a porn recovery site .  It's obvious that allowing that kind of behavior does not provide a healthy recovery environment for addicts OR partners.  And things could get downright toxic.

I don't post on the partners' board.  The majority of female addicts I've talked to have stated that being a partner is worse than being an addict, and I can understand that.

My suggestion:  don't make the mistake other boards that came before yours have and allow this crap to continue.  They all learned that it wasn't a very good idea.  Either put up a warning on both sides, or restrict access.  I haven't been here that long, but I may have to leave otherwise.  Too many bad memories.

There are forums stricter than RN? The only other one I've been on that deals solely with porn addiction is yourbrainrebalanced, and it's pretty much a free for all

Moderators can remove things as they see fit, if it gets to much for them to handle then they may do as you suggest, but it isn't necessarily an outright good thing to limit people in such a way. Lively discussion is important, sometimes partners have good advice for pa's and sometimes pa's have good advice for partners.

 

[Hablablos]

Lively discussion is important, sometimes partners have good advice for pa's and sometimes pa's have good advice for partners.

I agree with this. There were several occasions where we got really great insight from both parties. It would be a great loss if it was restricted. But as D_F pointed out, it could become toxic in no time. Which would be terrible loss.

I personally just read partner's section, because for me is more informational. I don't dare to write partners, because I don't think I have anything which could help them. I can't even imagine what they are going through and I won't be capable of that anytime soon.

Once I tried to help a partner of PA, but I expressed myself badly. Luckily I was pointed out and I apologized. But I messed up with addicted people as well, when I was trying to help and as a result they left. I am aware of that and I am trying to be more cautious.

One of the problems I see is dealing with emotions. I believe emotions are major reason why we became addicted in the first place. We as men were taught since childhood not to express our emotions, have them locked inside. For us porn was instant relieve from the unwanted emotions. Few times I've also seen a rage outburst of PA in the partners section, as a result of PA becoming aware of their feelings. For these things I recommand to have a personal journal.

Women on the other hand are taught how to name and deal with emotions since they are young. I don't blame them when they are angry, feel betrayed and so on. But they really need a place when they can vent themselves in order to get them out. But our typical advices for this reaction is: Don't cry, don't be angry and so on. They are actually making this process worse than better. And in these moments I would recommend let partners be. Otherwise it will become a blame war in no time.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

 

[NwaltRed]

I do hope the road to heaven is paved with bad intentions  8)

 

[Gracie]

I would like  to jump in here.  I was in another forum YBR prior to this one.  That was the forum when this was first discovered.  I posted pretty much exclusively on others threads.  I learned so much from them.  Occasionally there would be discussions, some were rather pointed, about porn addiction.  At no time did someone attack my views as an SO.  They listened and wrote when I expressed pain.  They listened when I wrote about my husband's changes and how communication and seeking out one's partner were the way to heal.  I always wrote that if you have 2 the burden is cut in half.  I always advocated for disclosure.  Not all the kink but what was being done and how often.  Many men were helped but more importantly I was helped.  There was one time when I told someone they were portraying entitlement and were thinking with the wrong head.  I was called a troll and never posted in his thread again. 

We partners experience very real physical and mental pain.  We see the years that were taken away from us.  We see how our husband pulled away and sought sexual release elsewhere.  We see how often Palmela Handerson was his companion.  Meanwhile, at least for me, it was once a week if I was lucky and then pretty mechanical.  We need to talk to others that feel this.  I also feel if I can get one man to see that reaching outside himself to one he chose and start and continue on that road, I have succeeded.  To me that is saving a marriage. If I can tell one woman you are not crazy, you have hindsight glasses on and are seeing all those years differently.  It will take time to heal.  Then I have succeeded.

There are times I have thought about leaving.  I have had to learn to not identify my husband with the opinions and addictions of the ones that are here.  And sometimes I stop reading certain threads.  But if people have derogatory opinions regarding our pain, write to your buddies.  I cry inside when I see the women leaving because this forum, when it started was totally supportive.  I have been here since the beginning, and now many feel it is not for them.  I am sure there are women who are here visiting and just reading.  I hope they do not take what is being said about them to heart.  I hope they know we will support one another.  But when I look at who has left or who took a break, I know they are keeping it inside.