Living The Truth

[Light]

Hello All,
 
  I'm 21 yrs old and I've been PMO since probably the age of 13/14. I didnt have very many friends in school because I was an outcast/loner and over the year's I built walls up so that people couldn't hurt me. I believe the lack of social and emotional needs led me to P because there I was the controller of everything and I buried all those neglected emotions into P which turned into a very bad addiction. PMO turned into my coping with everything that wasn't right in my life. To make it worse I was struggling with my sexual orientation so that didn't help with me acting out alot as I got older.

  When I graduated I accepted my orientation(Bi) which was big for me socially as I started to hangout with people more and starting making friends. By that time I accepted that PMO was just an everyday life for me and tons of guys around the world do it also. It was so bad that if I got bored for a minute I was right in front of the computer doing my thing. Any spare time I had was replaced with PMO.

  When I turned 20 we had a series of death's in the family and I was also having alot of work problems. I grew up in a Catholic home but my Siblings and I were never really religious like my parents who after some time kinda accepted me for my orientation. After all these event's occurred I was shaken to my core and laid in bed for 4 days only getting up to go to work. I asked God to help me with these problems and he did. After that I started looking at life different and how I can make myself better for God who I didn't think would help me because I doubted him alot in my life since high school. As I got into the church i was determined to stop my PMO habits but easier said then done. I've struggled constantly relapsing then starting over and telling God this time around I wont do it and then relapse again. Although it has gone down alot from where I was at, I'm still struggling with quitting for good. I'm 21 now and I think to be able to stop for I need to have support which I haven't had because I like to be able to do things on my own.

  I've had thought's about just giving up because I think well God's gonna get tired because I keep failing him over and over again but for some reason I don't quit and I just hope he see's that I don't quit and I keep picking myself up and starting again. I don't care if you believe in a higher power or not (I dont judge) but I would be lucky to have you for my support team.
All your stories are motivational to breaking this addiction.


Hard to accept you have an addiction but I don't want to live in lies anymore...I seek the truth and to be free.

 

[dasweg]

Thanks for sharing! I think the key to breaking this is realising you are not alone in this and that this forum, as well as other groups are out there struggling too and all helping each other to move forward. Jump on here anytime you feel the urge and the stories of other peoples conviction and determination are strengthening.

Although not personally religious in the typical sense, I think the idea of a higher power is a really useful in recovery. I know that 12 step program's urge one to have a higher power, whether that is god, Allah or even some personally imagined thing above you. I would definitely check out some of their material or a sex addicts anonymous forum.

When compared to burying your head in the sand and continuing along using porn, I think your god would be proud you are confronting your problems and persevering through with recovery.

 

[Light]

Day 1

    Not really feeling any urges today but it hasn't been long at all since last relapse. I have an appt. with a therapist tomorrow and hopefully that will also help me to quit. I read that it can help majorly so I thought why not give it a try and see what happens.

 

[fightthefight]

Hi Light,

I'm a Christian as well. Seeing a counsellor/therapist can definitely be useful - during my time at uni, I went to see a Christian counsellor and she really helped me to see some things in my life which I hadn't seen before (and how I used porn as a coping method). It's definitely good just to be able to talk to someone about things that are happening in life.

I hope it goes well and look forward to seeing you progress from this - God offers us much greater things than porn, but sometimes when we are in "the pit" of this addiction, it can be difficult to see that.

 

[lilnavadaa]

Hello Light,

I am a christian (catholic) as well. First I wanna say this struggle with porn addiction is what got me closer and closer to God. Yea weird huh u would think it would put me further from Him but constantly reading his word is what helped me through, it gave me understanding hope and joy. Read the bible, I suggest first with proverbs psalms and then the new testament which is very good. There will be verses and even whole chapters you could come to realize are about porn. Matthew and Revelations. Stay strong God loves us and as long as u never quit and repent don't think God will leave u. Life is hard but its a lot harder with a porn addiction but once we beat it we learn from it.

God bless bro don't give up. I have failed and failed for over a year and a half and at times felt worthless and scared of not going to a good place after I die cuz of what I kept doing. But learn that as pong as u are truelt sorry and try and and never give up, He will never abandon you. Stay strong this is hard as hell.

 

[Light]

Day 2

    Today has been okay I had to reschedule my appt because my sister got sick so I had to watch her son but that's okay I will get in as soon as I can with the Dr. Had a couple of wandering mind moments today but I just used a meditation breathing exercise to try and clear it away and it did. So far other than the thought's today has been good. Thanks fightthefight, lilnavadaa, and dasweg for your comments. There is alot of truth there and helps me out alot during the day to reread your comments.

 

[Light]

Day 3

    Today has been really good. No urges at all I think because I've been running around all morning doing errands. Got home around lunch time and just updated my mom's computer and watched some movie's. Im trying to keep myself busy so that my mind doesnt go wandering off in directions it doesn't need to go. Drawing really helps so im gonna keep that up. Past couple of nights I find that going to bed early or at least early for me (10) is helping from being on the computer late at night and then of course my energy levels.

 

[Light]

Day 5

    No urges today just a wandering mind but goes away fast. Keeping my time on the computer brief and only for about 10 minutes then I go and do something productive outside like swimming or cleaning up the yard. Hope you guys are doing well also.

 

[Needs Coffee]

Hey Light!

I haven't written much of my religious background or sexual history in my journal yet, but I will eventually. It's over in the 40+ section.

I was raised a devout Jehovah's Witness and was a member of their religious order for 15 years even. For as much as masturbation was condemned by the religion, and as hard as I tried and prayed to end that habit, I could stop for a while, but could never really end it. When I was able to get access to Internet porn, although that, too, was condemned by the religion, it became the next part of the battle. (In fact, the frequency and passion with which they talked about and condemned it, just made me even more curious about it. I found it. Then I was hooked on Internet porn.) Again, I tried and I prayed, but porn and masturbation kept coming back. As events unfolded, I left the religion before I left PMO. Once that happened, I continued to PMO about once a day and without the guilt and shame. And I finally lost my virginity.  :

To get to the point of my story, I'd tried and prayed and tried to stop masturbation and porn because God wanted me to. Maybe that really works for some, but I just never succeeded (and judging by the lectures we got in the religious order, there were lots of others that couldn't end their porn habits). Now that I've read so much on www.yourbrainonporn.com, as well as the information here, I'm succeeding better at PMO better than I ever imagined. Why? Hmmm, good question. My conclusion is that I'm able to stop PMO now because I see it as something that I can really do for ME. There is real logic behind my reason for quitting now, rather than the programmed JW mantra, "Listen, Obey, and be Blessed." Frankly, I think that God really has a lot of other things that he should be more busy with rather than monitoring my browser history. I've seen for myself how PMO has not just messed up my mind, wasted time, hindered my interest in relationships, friendships, and a lot of other things. Now I see how it's something I must do for ME, and I will see (and am already seeing) rewards in my life for ending my PMO habits.

Anyway, that's my opinion on how I was able to stop PMO using research and logic. As I've said before, my opinion and $4 will buy you a small coffee at Starbucks.

NC

 

[Light]

Day 8

    This morning was like any other but this afternoon I really felt the urges come on all of a sudden. I just kept telling myself no and just went outside and sat down in the grass. I still kinda feel it but it's not as strong as it was when it all hit me at the moment. I was just sitting down watching tv and a trigger happened on what I was watching which wasn't very graphic at all but made me remember certain images and then that's when the urge hit. Although my brain was sending signals out to the rest of my body, I stuck it out. Phew.

 

[Light]

Day 15

    Had a wet dream last night but im not too worried about that im just glad i didnt look at P and M. Or get a chaser effect when i woke up. Actually i didnt O all the way during the wet dream i felt my body tell itself no and so it held most of it back and then i woke up. I think my body is learning slowly to stand up and say no. I believe thats progress. Other than that i have an urge now and then these past couple of days but i am determined.

 

[Light]

Day 0

    Well last night came across images that sent triggers and i ended up PMO. So mad at myself because i was doing so good. Have to start again but i wont quit.

 

[dasweg]

Hang in there man, there is always reason for giving it another go. Maybe next time you feel a trigger jump on here and post in your diary, I find it gives me perspective.