Confession

[JKLIVIN]

I have been on this site for over a year now. I first started battling my recovery in February of last year. In that time span I have sought help from 2 different professionals, married my amazing wife who supported me through everything, and now have a child on the way. I have learned so much about myself in this recovery process. What my triggers are, my history of depression, and anxiety, and overall  lack of self esteem, and how all of it has lead to porn use. I found several new outlets besides porn. I found a passion in cooking, reading, gardening, just to name a few. I finally got to a place where I felt comfortable coming onto this site and offering my knowledge and experiences to help others. I talked about what has work for me, how hard of a battle it is to fight to keep others from relapse.

When after over a year of being relapse free, just over a month ago I found a way to access my porn again without being caught. Oh how easy it is to get to. I will not mention on this site where I was able to get access to it, but it was in a place where it shouldn't be. For a month I lied to myself, my therapist and my wife. Today I came clean with my wife, and myself, and this board. I feel like a total hypocrite. But I will live by the advise that I have given others that have relapsed. It is not starting over. I have not wasted the last year of recovery. I replaced and made a huge mistake. I will learn from this, move forward, and continue to fight this battle.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I've blocked a lot of access to porn on my devices and I can still tell you other work arounds that I'm aware of and that I can't block. The sad truth is that it's so accessible. That's what caused the problem to begin with. As you mentioned, the time you've spent in recovery hasn't been lost. Be sure to do right by those you may have hurt. That should be an important focus right now.

 

[JKLIVIN]

Thanks for the response. Outside of relapsing, and hiding everything, one of the more difficult things to cope with has been the fact that I tried to fight everything alone. I get on here and preach how important it is to have a support system, being able to reach out to someone when at a crossroads. I relayed this plan with my wife several times, replayed it in my head several times, and I still couldn't own up to it. I was so worried with my own self image that I couldn't allow myself to drop the barrier, and be vulnerable. I couldn't take my own advice and simply say I need help.

Vulnerability has become my new favorite word these past few days. Like the person I am, I tried to find ways that I can practice to help be be able to open up, be true to myself, be honest with myself. Some sort of step-by-step process. But, it seems like this is something that there isn't much you can do besides be mindful of it. Practice being aware of it. You can only allow yourself to be vulnerable when you finally trust yourself, and love yourself. Then you can finally be able to open up to other people, and let them in.

Anyone with thoughts on vulnerability, and being able to open up to those around them? Not just talking about porn here, but in all aspects of life.

 

[kant0]

I couldn't take my own advice and simply say I need help.

J,    Congratulations on coming clean, as that was probably the hardest part of what you had to do this month.  Your support (earlier this year) on my post about phone sex, with which I am still struggling, was valuable.  If it's any consolation, I still consider you ahead of me in your recovery.

I need help, too.  You're not alone in your plight.    -I.K.

 

[JKLIVIN]

I'm glad to hear it was valuable to you. Being able to realize that we are not alone in our struggle is a huge step. I tried to take on relapse alone and failed miserably. It was selfish, destructive, and egotistical. I don't fully believe in the 12 step process, but I have come to terms with the fact that this problem is bigger than I can handle on my own. I am happy to see that there is a community here, and many groups in the community to help with our struggle.

Keep going strong in your recovery. Never be too proud to reach out for help. Once we are able to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and truly let others in, we can begin to heal.

 

[willtochange]

Thanks for sharing with us. 

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Vulnerability has become my new favorite word these past few days. Like the person I am, I tried to find ways that I can practice to help be be able to open up, be true to myself, be honest with myself. Some sort of step-by-step process. But, it seems like this is something that there isn't much you can do besides be mindful of it. Practice being aware of it. You can only allow yourself to be vulnerable when you finally trust yourself, and love yourself. Then you can finally be able to open up to other people, and let them in.

Anyone with thoughts on vulnerability, and being able to open up to those around them? Not just talking about porn here, but in all aspects of life.

I think that the feeling of vulnerability is a great way to describe what causes a lot of apprehension in seeking recovery. You really have to put yourself out there. You have to tell people you love that you've been lying, that you have been willingly hurting them and yourself. You have to tell them that you've messed up your values and you've let other things take precedence in your life. THIS IS HUGE. It's horrible!

The worst part is, after you lay this all out and open yourself up, you expect there to be major negative repercussions. That's what is making you feel vulnerable. You've been a jerk to everyone and now you have to stand up and take your punishment like a man. You're standing in the middle of battle with no armor on.

So, what do you do? I don't have a perfect answer, but maybe it is something that will help. It helps with cravings as well as it can help with anxiety. I believe if you apply this to many aspects of your life, it will help you feel better about what you're doing, but also help you cope directly with things like withdrawal symptoms. It can be a multi-use tool.

I'm talking about reframing. I posted the other day with a site that talks about this stuff. Here is a link directly to reframing. http://www.purityispossible.com/module/reframing/. The idea of reframing is that you take a situation that your mind typically sees as a threat (which can cause anxiety, cravings, depression, etc,) and you mindfully and purposefully reframe the situation as an opportunity.

When you do this, your whole attitude toward the situation changes. You can see it clearly and you won't be distracted. So, if you feel as if seeking help and putting yourself out there creates feelings of vulnerability (and hence anxiety, cravings and other feelings that only further the problem by causing your brain to seek a dopamine fix to make it feel better) then you need to say to yourself, "I'm not vulnerable. I'm with friends and loved ones. We're all in this together. There's nothing to be afraid of. In fact, we're going to kick this thing's ass!" Now, instead of feeling like you're standing on a battlefield with no armor on, you've turned that into an opportunity test how tough you really are.

This applies to cravings as well. If you feel the urge to PMO, instead of distracting yourself with other activities. Sit there and feel it. Explore it. And see this as a chance to conquer it. You only have opportunities like this when they present themselves - you can't create the situation to force the opportunity - so when it comes knocking on the door, you let it in for some coffee and a piece of your mind.

This is the same technique that they use for phobia sufferers. Instead of allowing that fight-or-flight instinct kick in, therapists will have you stand on a balcony to conquer your fear of heights. The idea is to reframe the fear and the situation as an opportunity to beat the fear. No one here is going to let you fall; you just need to be willing to take that first step out there.

 

[JKLIVIN]

Thanks for the post. I went to the page about reframing. This is exactly what I have been trying to work on. I have had mixed results. Sometimes I am am able to "reframe" any situation I am in. Other times it is more difficult. I find myself beginning to complain or get down. It definitely will just require more and more patience, and practice.