numbandstuck
Member
Hi dudes,
Here's my short story.
Got into PMO really early in my teen years. Quickly went from humping anything like a dog to porn and from there it was a downhill... [deleted due to triggers]... It became frightening. I realised I never had sex with a girl. So finally one girl I met, was much younger than me and though she was really great, I knew I was only gonna use her to see if I can have normal sex. By this tought alone I felt like an asshole. One time when she sat on my laps I felt my dick going hard, that's awesome I thought! I PMO a few times between our dates. One day I drove to her place. We cuddled, my dick was still soft, when she gave me head I was rock hard, but when I had to put a condom on I slowly went soft again and when she tried to mount me I couldn't get it inside. She took that situation, well better than I did. I got so embarassed I never called her again (big mistake!).
During that time I was also going to university, surrounded by all those beautiful girls I got fixated on one, that I think was The One. All other girls, became almost invisible to me. I made a really big mistake and told her I love her almost right away. Long story short, I was needy, she was having a boyfriend after boyfriend. I became really angry with her. Felt like shit, shadow of a man, emotional tampon for her. Dived even deeper into my addictions. I PMOed about every girl in my group, every teacher, sick scenarios. Worst of all, I became numb. Desensitized.
One day I think I heard her talking with her friend, who said I was probably gay. I never thought about myself in that category. That started a huge shitstorm in my brain. I have HOCD since like 1,5 year now, or maybe I'm gay, or bi, I don't know. I keep checking myself, my behaviour, my clothes, my movement, how I talk. I've read countless articles and blog posts about HOCD. I've told to myself that I am gay and that's ok, I've wrote it on paper, but I just don't know. I've read that the best you can do is to tell yourself that the question about ones sexuality is unanswerable and now I'm trying to stick to it. But these thoughts just won't stop! Every day is a drag. I'm paranoid, I think everybody in my surrounding think I'm gay and talk about me and I am the only one living in denial. Years ago I've been diagnosed with neurosis anxiety, took pills which I think helped to stabilise my mood, but felt like I could go on without them, so I stopped taking them. I've been depressed since years, suicidal. I had drug addiction problems on and off.
I'm a perfectionist. As a teen I did martial arts, was really good at it; in great shape. Felt undestructible. Then shit changed. And so now here I am, 28yo single, living with parents. Numb and stuck. I always thought I'll be doing great things in life, I want to have a big family someday, be a man. Instead my life feels like a one big joke. I think I might've missed love of my life.
I am clean of drugs since 4 weeks, and PMO free since 3. In 3 weeks I'm seeing a psychologist. I do martial arts again, run, meditate. I think I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, but it's too early to tell.
Thanks.
Here's my short story.
Got into PMO really early in my teen years. Quickly went from humping anything like a dog to porn and from there it was a downhill... [deleted due to triggers]... It became frightening. I realised I never had sex with a girl. So finally one girl I met, was much younger than me and though she was really great, I knew I was only gonna use her to see if I can have normal sex. By this tought alone I felt like an asshole. One time when she sat on my laps I felt my dick going hard, that's awesome I thought! I PMO a few times between our dates. One day I drove to her place. We cuddled, my dick was still soft, when she gave me head I was rock hard, but when I had to put a condom on I slowly went soft again and when she tried to mount me I couldn't get it inside. She took that situation, well better than I did. I got so embarassed I never called her again (big mistake!).
During that time I was also going to university, surrounded by all those beautiful girls I got fixated on one, that I think was The One. All other girls, became almost invisible to me. I made a really big mistake and told her I love her almost right away. Long story short, I was needy, she was having a boyfriend after boyfriend. I became really angry with her. Felt like shit, shadow of a man, emotional tampon for her. Dived even deeper into my addictions. I PMOed about every girl in my group, every teacher, sick scenarios. Worst of all, I became numb. Desensitized.
One day I think I heard her talking with her friend, who said I was probably gay. I never thought about myself in that category. That started a huge shitstorm in my brain. I have HOCD since like 1,5 year now, or maybe I'm gay, or bi, I don't know. I keep checking myself, my behaviour, my clothes, my movement, how I talk. I've read countless articles and blog posts about HOCD. I've told to myself that I am gay and that's ok, I've wrote it on paper, but I just don't know. I've read that the best you can do is to tell yourself that the question about ones sexuality is unanswerable and now I'm trying to stick to it. But these thoughts just won't stop! Every day is a drag. I'm paranoid, I think everybody in my surrounding think I'm gay and talk about me and I am the only one living in denial. Years ago I've been diagnosed with neurosis anxiety, took pills which I think helped to stabilise my mood, but felt like I could go on without them, so I stopped taking them. I've been depressed since years, suicidal. I had drug addiction problems on and off.
I'm a perfectionist. As a teen I did martial arts, was really good at it; in great shape. Felt undestructible. Then shit changed. And so now here I am, 28yo single, living with parents. Numb and stuck. I always thought I'll be doing great things in life, I want to have a big family someday, be a man. Instead my life feels like a one big joke. I think I might've missed love of my life.
I am clean of drugs since 4 weeks, and PMO free since 3. In 3 weeks I'm seeing a psychologist. I do martial arts again, run, meditate. I think I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, but it's too early to tell.
Thanks.