The universe has no justice, the world moves on.

[Christian]

Day 11: Things are going really well. I feel like I am getting back to myself again, and I have had a couple fun days since my last post. The only bad thing is I think I am getting sick, but other than that, I am happy with how things are going. I am reading nightly again and I am doing well in school. I haven't been to the gym in 4 days, but I am going for sure tomorrow. I always tell myself that, then find some excuse not to go. I don't have any excuse not to go tomorrow so I am. I also want to lay off the youtube videos. I watched a ton today and I feel like crap now. I binge watch youtube the same way I used to watch pornography, and we all know where that got us. So that's another thing I need to conquer.

I have some good goals over the next few days, so that is what I am going to focus on. Working out and not watching youtube videos.

I hope everyone is feeling and doing well. I'll try to post more frequently this go around. I noticed that I stop posting on here whenever I mess up.

 

[Christian]

Day 13:Everything went normally for the day, other than feeling a bit sick. I have been doing a good job of not watching youtube videos and going to the gym. The only reason I am posting is I saw a girl tonight. Everything went ok and I was able to achieve an erection. That is a sign that I am recovering, and I am happy about it. It did feel good to get laid, but after it's over you realize what you really want is a relationship with someone you love. Sex, pornography, or whatever else will never be enough to satisfy me, and my history is evidence of that. I want a relationship, to love and share feelings with someone I consider my equal other. I want to enjoy my success and happiness with a girlfriend, I wasn't designed to be alone.

I was thinking about that after she left. It is something worth sharing.

 

[Christian]

Day 15: Today went as usual. Went to the gym, then class, then the gym again. And here I am now. Not a lot has happened, other than some problems with my parents. I haven't spoken to my dad in awhile and my mom is having personal problems. The best thing I can do is keep doing what I need, and not think about it. Time heals all wounds.

I killed it in the gym today, and I am proud of myself. I am in the prime of my life, and I will get back in shape one day at a time. I also am doing well in my math class. I am doing everything I can to understand the concepts, and I am looking forward to next quarter already.

I am going to see my grandmother tomorrow in the tri-cities, so that should be a good time. I will try and go to the gym when I get home. I am doing well with reading every night, the only thing I want to work on is getting to bed before 12. I keep staying up until 1 A.M. so I am super tired in the morning. I am going to help make that easier by having no caffeine from now on. I enjoy drinking coffee and having a soda occasionally, but its too hard on my mind when I can't sleep.

Another day, another thing I learn about myself. I am doing the right thing, and I am proud of my progress, no matter how hard things seem.

?Efficiency is doing the thing right. Effectiveness is doing the right thing.? - Peter F. Drucker

 

[Christian]

Day 18: I had a math test today and it went really well. I worked until the very end of class and I feel confident I will do well. In general, I had a good day today, but it had a couple rough spots.  I didn't go to the gym at all and I didn't sleep well the night before. I am not going to get bent out of shape, though. I am going to pick up where I left off tomorrow, and remind myself of the end goal I am working for.

I saw my dad yesterday and it was stressful. I am not going to see him for awhile, though, so it's ok. I will feel better about things the next time. I want my family to be a happy one. I don't know what it is now. I will do everything I can to improve relationships with my family members.

Tomorrow I want to write about something positive going on in my life, or a new goal. I will feel better tomorrow. I can't let an off day hold me back, even though I am only on day 18, I feel I have come so far.

 

[Christian]

Day 24: Things have been going great lately. I have been on track in my recovery and trying my best to stay focused on my goals.

I have my 24th birthday in November, and I will do everything I can to be clean for it. I have been doing well in school, making new friends, and improving my relationship with my family. Things are getting better slowly but surely.

Some benefits I have noticed over the last 24 days are: I am sleeping better than I have in a long time. I have vivid dreams that I remember when I wake up, and I have morning wood almost daily. I am gaining confidence socially again, and even talking and making better eye contact with girls. It is much easier to focus, and my head feels "clear" when I am doing homework. I feel smart and capable again. The only major downside I have noticed in my recovery so far is I have become a bit lazier about going to the gym. A lot of that relates to the increase in confidence because I don't feel that I "need" to go workout. It is something I am going to work on and address over the next couple weeks.

Overall things are going well and I'm happy with how things are going. I am going to start posting almost daily again. I took a break the last couple days because of a busy week. Stay strong!

 

[Christian]

Day 33: I have been doing ok. The last couple days have been rough because of a relapse in MO yesterday. I felt terrible all day yesterday and today, but I am going to keep going. This is the farthest I have gone without porn for a long time, and I don't ever want to watch porn again. I am going to stick with going hard mode, and try to make it 90 days without both. My birthday is in a couple days, so it will be nice to have some extra money. I am still on rough terms with my family, and I hope with some hard work things will be better between us soon. I'm stressed about some tests I have tomorrow, but I will study in the morning and try to be ready. That's all I have for tonight, I will have a more positive post next time. I wanted to explain what happened and let everyone know that I haven't given up.

 

[Christian]

Day 36: I have been celebrating my birthday the last couple days and it has been fun. I'm still having a bit of trouble with social anxiety, but in general, things are getting better. This is the longest streak I have gone without porn since I was 19. It's hard to imagine that was 5 years ago.

My battle against PMO has just begun. For the first time, I am entering the recovery stage of my addiction to pornography. The most important thing is that I am proud of myself for getting this far. I have walked away from temptations many times now, and I will do everything I can to keep on track. I also want to get through 90 days hard mode to kick things off.

At this point in my recovery, I am willing to do anything to heal. This addiction has taken too much of my life away from me. I want to be who I really am, not some person fighting off the effects of watching porn.

?Lost Time is never found again.? - Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack

 

[Christian]

Day 6: Relapses are tough. I have the most success when I just start working on the next streak. I am going to do everything I can to get up on time and get to the gym tomorrow. I have been falling asleep really late recently, and I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks. Those are my goals for now. That's all I have for now, I won't ever give up.

 

[Christian]

Day 8: Finding my stride again. That phrase sums up what I am trying to do these next couple weeks. Getting back to the gym regularly, getting homework done without caffeine at night, and having a healthy sleep schedule. I am currently doing none of those three things. Sure, I'm getting by alright: I have good grades in school, I'm not really in that bad of shape, and I get "enough" sleep. But I'm not "proud" of what I am doing right now. I know that what I'm doing isn't my best, and I know I can do better. My confidence has suffered consequently.

The last couple days I have managed to get up at a decent hour, but I have accidently fallen back asleep later in the morning both times. The reason being I slept terribly the night before. I slept terrible the night before because I have been stressed. I have been stressed because I don't feel good about how I am doing right now. I don't feel good about how I am doing right now because I know I can do better. I will do better.

Tomorrow: Gym in the morning, school, homework, gym again, writing/homework, do something fun, read and go to bed.

 

[Christian]

Day 0: I had a bad relapse today. I have set up porn blockers on all of my internet access and gave the password to a friend. It's now almost impossible for me to look up porn. I hope this will help push me over the edge and avoid relapse again. I miss posting, I miss my mind being clear, and I miss my body working the way it should. I will post again tomorrow.

 

[Christian]

Day 2: I had an awesome day. I went skiing all day today, and we had 28 inches of fresh snow. I have never skied so much powder before; it felt incredible. I just got home, ate some dinner, and here I am.

Going skiing today opened my eyes again to how much I love being outside and around people. I miss feeling like a part of my community. When I started heavily watching porn, I disconnected myself from everyone and everything. I am slowly remembering how much I love being around people, having friends, having a normal happy life. With some hard work and determination, I hope to get those things back. I'm off to watch documentaries and read goodnight!

 

[Christian]

Day 9: Things are great. I am really busy between my classes, homework, skiing and going to the gym but I like being busy. Being busy keeps my mind off things that I shouldn't worry about, which is a blessing.

I am re-learning how to function in the real world right now. What I mean is getting my day to day life organized. More than just going to the gym or studying; I quit watching youtube, any kind of live-streaming, and almost completely playing video games. If I have any free time now, I spend it doing something outside/ going to the gym, and if I want to relax I read whatever book I'm working on. I am starting to put myself "out there" more socially. From small things like answering questions in class, getting my classmates numbers for studying, and having conversations with people on the ski lifts. They are small steps but I am breaking free of my social anxiety's one conversation and introduction at a time.

As I said earlier, I am getting back to my healthy habits and lifestyle. The first couple weeks have been really difficult, but with time I will start to gain the muscle and cardio ability I had when I was working out before. I miss being in shape and I miss the confidence I had in my athletic ability even more. Staying in shape is more than just something I do to be healthy and be my best, it's part of my identity. Just like doing my best in school, doing my best athletically is something that I use to define myself, and I won't let that become a thing of the past because of my laziness. Finding time and motivation with everything going one right now makes it more difficult, but the rewards are even better because of it.

I am going to post as often as I can without letting myself stay up too late. Have a great week everyone!

 

[Christian]

Day 15: I almost relapsed a little bit ago but I didn't. I closed the computer and walked away. I looked at p subs for a few minutes, but I didn't mo. I wish I hadn't gone so far, but I am glad I didn't go further this time. I am going to make another counter just for looking at p subs because of its a problem for me. My mind has a way of replacing one addiction with another, and I need to stop that before it gets out of hand. Seeing how far I went shows how much of an issue it is already. Cut bad habits off at the beginning. Things are going alright in life, I'm getting by in school and I've been getting back into the gym every day. Other than the almost relapse today, things are good in general. I want to keep the streak going.

I will just keep trying to learn until I can get things to work or get my life stable enough to be happy. I can't blame all of my problems on my porn addiction so I will always be looking for ways to improve myself, even on nights like this where I almost relapse. Coming here to write about what happened is the best thing I can do.

Any advice or words of wisdom are always appreciated. Let's keep the counter going, just for one more day.

 

[Christian]

Day 0: I decided to reset my counter today after all. What happened was a relapse, just in a different shape. All I can do is grow. I have to remember that I am getting better about things and will continue to improve. It's never over, no matter how many relapses or semi relapses. I am going to take a cold shower to help clear my thoughts.

 

[Christian]

Day 11:Things are coming back together. I had an episode of MO last week, but I moved on and things turned out ok. I didn't MO excessively, which is progress. Something is wrong and I can't access the counter website to change or reset my MO count, so I will just take it off my profile until I find a way to fix it.

I have had a couple awesome days of skiing lately, and am super thankful I get to experience it on a regular basis. We have had powder weekend after weekend at my local ski hill, so I'm happy, to say the least.

I have been stressed out with school and finding time for the gym and skiing (problems, right?), but time management was something I have never had to deal with. I was always lazy and assumed things would work out even if I didn't try. I am actually doing really well in school for once, and am trying my best to succeed. Right now I am trying to learn to get up early again. I need the extra hour in the day to help with getting school work done.

Things are moving in the right direction in my life and I'm going to continue the pattern.

 

[Christian]

Day 7: The last couple weeks of school are upon me and I'm staying strong until the end. With one week down I am starting to gain confidence again. I am going to start pushing myself at the gym again, one day and one workout at a time. I went to the gym twice today. It has been too long since I've been doing "two-a-days". It felt great to get back to the gym. It is always slow the first couple months with having to regain the muscle I have lost and all, but I will get back to where I was eventually. I have good grades in both of my classes as well and I am going to try and finish with A's and B's this quarter. I have not had the greatest studying habits but I have made the most of it. I am going to try harder next quarter for the best grades possible. Next quarter I am taking more sociology (hopefully my future major), so I want to be at my best.

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I want to start to more often. Even though I have relapsed in porn more than I would like, I have made progress in my life. Things are better, regardless of my past mistakes. Like the title says though right, the world moves on; I have to move on with it. The first step is to start taking things one day at a time again. I get too ahead of myself, and it always ends in a relapse. I need to plan for getting through one day, then the next. Not weeks and months in advance.

Hey, I'm still hanging in there. I have one week down and tomorrow I will have 8 days. I'm going to think about making a new journal. This one is getting a bit long.