Widening the Definition of Porn

[getagrip]

Hi, my name is Rich, 66 years old, and this is my first post. What an amazing group of people who are assembled here to help each other! Glad to be here.

Anyway, I am just starting to figure out my reboot program, but first a little about myself.  The subject of 95% of the porn I watch is women spanking men. Spanking porn or just fantasizing about spanking is what I always orgasm to. Even when I was married (I'm divorced now) I had to think about my fetish in order to orgasm.

But getting back to the porn itself, when I am not watching my fetish stuff and/or masturbating, I have a very strong attraction to very pretty, young, feminine women, to the point of obession. During the average day, I think much more about pretty young women than I do about my spanking fetish. So now I finally come to my point: I have decided that at least for my own purposes, looking obsessively at photos of pretty young women, USUALLY FULLY CLOTHED I might add, is pornography. At least for me. I can look at, and look for, such photos for hours. Pinterest has a vast number of such photos. Just before I wrote this post, I deleted all my Pinterest feed boards that featured pretty young women and I deleted my "private board" in which I collected such photos.

Guess I'm just saying that at least in my case,  photos of women fully clothed and not doing anything especially sexual definitely constitute pornography.

The apparent disconnect between my spanking fetish and my obsessive, pornographic-like attraction to young women is something I am going to discuss with a therapist.

 

[Crystal]

Hi, my name is Rich, 66 years old, and this is my first post. What an amazing group of people who are assembled here to help each other! Glad to be here.

Anyway, I am just starting to figure out my reboot program, but first a little about myself.  The subject of 95% of the porn I watch is women spanking men. Spanking porn or just fantasizing about spanking is what I always orgasm to. Even when I was married (I'm divorced now) I had to think about my fetish in order to orgasm.

But getting back to the porn itself, when I am not watching my fetish stuff and/or masturbating, I have a very strong attraction to very pretty, young, feminine women, to the point of obession. During the average day, I think much more about pretty young women than I do about my spanking fetish. So now I finally come to my point: I have decided that at least for my own purposes, looking obsessively at photos of pretty young women, USUALLY FULLY CLOTHED I might add, is pornography. At least for me. I can look at, and look for, such photos for hours. Pinterest has a vast number of such photos. Just before I wrote this post, I deleted all my Pinterest feed boards that featured pretty young women and I deleted my "private board" in which I collected such photos.

Guess I'm just saying that at least in my case,  photos of women fully clothed and not doing anything especially sexual definitely constitute pornography.

The apparent disconnect between my spanking fetish and my obsessive, pornographic-like attraction to young women is something I am going to discuss with a therapist.

Hi Rich, welcome. I myself have an erotica addiction, and maybe 80% of the stories I've read involves spanking.

When you say you feel looking at clothed, unsexualized young girls constitutes pornography for you, how are you defining the word pornography? Do you think it might be helpful to think of this obsession as something you want to change without categorizing it as porn?

Personally, when I was 15 I got in the habit of collecting and saving pictures of beautiful young men and women that I came across on Pinterest. I did this regularly for maybe half a year, and I still have the board. I used to look at it/add to it a couple times during the week, while now I refresh it every several months or more. Several of my favorite pictures I posted on my wall near my homework spot. I attribute this phase of habit as part of my exploration with my sexual orientation, a way to inspire character formation in my novels and simply appreciating the aesthetic beauty of certain individuals. It wasn't a habit that bothered me, although I did prioritize remembering these were people, not just bodies, so as not to diminish them or their dignity.

 

[getagrip]

Interesting points, Crystal. Based on what you are saying, plus some additional thinking on my part, I don't think my collecting of photos of pretty young women is really porn. My main reason for saying this is that I never masturbate to the images of these women. I always masturbate to spanking porn. When I see these photos of these clothed women, it is not so much sexual arousal I feel, but more of a yearning, if that makes any sense.

I guess maybe my collecting of photos of clothed women is more of an obsession or a compulsion, rather than a porn addiction. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to look at/collect photos of beautiful people, but where it crosses into a compulsion for me is that I can spend an hour or two looking for these photos on Pinterest.

Thanks again for your helpful insights!

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Also consider if looking at the photos triggers you to eventually look up porn. You mentioned that it creates yearning.  How about depression, low self esteem, or anxiety? Consider if looking at these pics starts you on the road to porn, even if it's later in the day. Viewing the images could be starting a chain reaction:

Pics --> yearning --> sadness --> low self esteem --> porn --> depression -- > pics ... etc.

Take note of this cycle in your journal, even if you are relapsing daily, and start to pick apart and learn about your own habits.  It will help further down the road in your recovery to have a reference of what your reaction sequence entails and how you handled it in the past.

 

[Crystal]

Interesting points, Crystal. Based on what you are saying, plus some additional thinking on my part, I don't think my collecting of photos of pretty young women is really porn. My main reason for saying this is that I never masturbate to the images of these women. I always masturbate to spanking porn. When I see these photos of these clothed women, it is not so much sexual arousal I feel, but more of a yearning, if that makes any sense.

I guess maybe my collecting of photos of clothed women is more of an obsession or a compulsion, rather than a porn addiction. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to look at/collect photos of beautiful people, but where it crosses into a compulsion for me is that I can spend an hour or two looking for these photos on Pinterest.

Thanks again for your helpful insights!

Not a problem. Your clarification helped me understand what you meant. I agree with KeepUpTheGoodWork, consider whether the pictures are triggering you to use porn, and also maybe keep track in a journal of what you're feeling when you start wanting to really look at the pictures of young girls. If for example, you find you want to look at the pictures when you're very lonely, maybe adding more social interaction to your life (ex. going to Church, volunteering in the community, taking a class, joining a book discussion group, joining a debate club) could lessen your desire to look at the pictures.

 

[getagrip]

Also consider if looking at the photos triggers you to eventually look up porn. You mentioned that it creates yearning.  How about depression, low self esteem, or anxiety? Consider if looking at these pics starts you on the road to porn, even if it's later in the day. Viewing the images could be starting a chain reaction:

Pics --> yearning --> sadness --> low self esteem --> porn --> depression -- > pics ... etc.

Take note of this cycle in your journal, even if you are relapsing daily, and start to pick apart and learn about your own habits.  It will help further down the road in your recovery to have a reference of what your reaction sequence entails and how you handled it in the past.

Excellent points. I realize that the philosophy of this entire website is that it's not so much psychological factors leading to porn watching, but rather new, it's the damaging neural pathways created by all that dopamine that porn addiction produces. I'm OK with this idea, but I agree with you that depression and other negative feelings can become so strong that we seek escape through some form of compulsion or addiction, whether it be porn, alcohol, drug abuse, whatever.

In my particular case, I think I get depressed looking at these beautiful young women in their 20's because I was so shy when I was in my teens and twenties that I hardly dated before I married my first wife at age 27. So I never allowed my chance to be with women in their physical prime when I myself was at my physical prime. And now I'm 66... sigh...

 

[getagrip]

Interesting points, Crystal. Based on what you are saying, plus some additional thinking on my part, I don't think my collecting of photos of pretty young women is really porn. My main reason for saying this is that I never masturbate to the images of these women. I always masturbate to spanking porn. When I see these photos of these clothed women, it is not so much sexual arousal I feel, but more of a yearning, if that makes any sense.

I guess maybe my collecting of photos of clothed women is more of an obsession or a compulsion, rather than a porn addiction. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to look at/collect photos of beautiful people, but where it crosses into a compulsion for me is that I can spend an hour or two looking for these photos on Pinterest.

Thanks again for your helpful insights!

Not a problem. Your clarification helped me understand what you meant. I agree with KeepUpTheGoodWork, consider whether the pictures are triggering you to use porn, and also maybe keep track in a journal of what you're feeling when you start wanting to really look at the pictures of young girls. If for example, you find you want to look at the pictures when you're very lonely, maybe adding more social interaction to your life (ex. going to Church, volunteering in the community, taking a class, joining a book discussion group, joining a debate club) could lessen your desire to look at the pictures.

Thanks, Crystal. Great ideas. Please see the post I made above that I was writing when your reply came in. You'll see that I explain a little more about this yearning.

About activities: I have Houston Astros baseball tickets for every game they play at home on my days off (Tuesdays and Wednesdays). Last summer I also had tickets and had so much fun going to the games-- not just the game itself but the ambience, being around people, etc. This year, I have only gone to a few games and have been literally throwing away pre-paid tickets! Up until now, I have been rationalizing that this summer I'm more stressed from work, more tired, etc. But I am starting to think that I'm not going to the games so I can spend some of the time at home looking at porn. Now there are just a few home games remaining. But there are games tomorrow and Wednesday. I am going to force myself to go to both of them. If you don't mind, I'll make myself accountable to you and report to you Wednesday that I have gone to the games. Thanks!

 

[Crystal]

Interesting points, Crystal. Based on what you are saying, plus some additional thinking on my part, I don't think my collecting of photos of pretty young women is really porn. My main reason for saying this is that I never masturbate to the images of these women. I always masturbate to spanking porn. When I see these photos of these clothed women, it is not so much sexual arousal I feel, but more of a yearning, if that makes any sense.

I guess maybe my collecting of photos of clothed women is more of an obsession or a compulsion, rather than a porn addiction. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to look at/collect photos of beautiful people, but where it crosses into a compulsion for me is that I can spend an hour or two looking for these photos on Pinterest.

Thanks again for your helpful insights!

Not a problem. Your clarification helped me understand what you meant. I agree with KeepUpTheGoodWork, consider whether the pictures are triggering you to use porn, and also maybe keep track in a journal of what you're feeling when you start wanting to really look at the pictures of young girls. If for example, you find you want to look at the pictures when you're very lonely, maybe adding more social interaction to your life (ex. going to Church, volunteering in the community, taking a class, joining a book discussion group, joining a debate club) could lessen your desire to look at the pictures.

Thanks, Crystal. Great ideas. Please see the post I made above that I was writing when your reply came in. You'll see that I explain a little more about this yearning.

About activities: I have Houston Astros baseball tickets for every game they play at home on my days off (Tuesdays and Wednesdays). Last summer I also had tickets and had so much fun going to the games-- not just the game itself but the ambience, being around people, etc. This year, I have only gone to a few games and have been literally throwing away pre-paid tickets! Up until now, I have been rationalizing that this summer I'm more stressed from work, more tired, etc. But I am starting to think that I'm not going to the games so I can spend some of the time at home looking at porn. Now there are just a few home games remaining. But there are games tomorrow and Wednesday. I am going to force myself to go to both of them. If you don't mind, I'll make myself accountable to you and report to you Wednesday that I have gone to the games. Thanks!

That's a wonderful idea, have fun!