Forgive the style, I need this as a creative release to cope with not masturbating as well as to chronicle the process.
I'm 28, I'll be 29 in a month.
This is my second attempt at a complete reboot; I actually found this forum as part of a resolution in 2012-13, needless to say it didn't work.
Then it was just a something that I thought would improve my life, now I feel it is all too necessary.
I began masturbating around age 13, a terrifying novelty that I stumbled upon late one night. After the initial shock, I was hooked.
From the very beginning I used a vigorous, dry and completely detrimental technique. To this day this is the only method which guarantees an orgasm.
I began watching pornography at the same time, waiting for pain-staking hours while high resolution images or 10 second clips loaded on our 28k and 56k modems brought in the data.
This was a steady diet throughout my teenage years through college, at least one round a day if not more. What began as a exploration of my impulses towards certain girls in my classes/life turned into an obsession devoid of reality.
Throughout this time I suffered from a crippling inferiority complex, I had always been painfully shy, especially around girls. So much so that even when a girl expressed interest in me I froze and ended up regretting all my decisions later.
I thought about lying to you, but really I would be lying to myself, as this is for my benefit only: despite being told that I was very attractive physically and mentally from age 13 on, I didn't have a girlfriend or my first kiss until age 25. I lacked any sort of confidence in myself, be it with friends or females, and pornography never had the threat of rejection.
When I met her, I thought life was on the ups. I stopped using pornography entirely and this stunning, intelligent co-virgin and I began to explore each other's sexuality. To this point no other human being had ever attempted nor made me climax. And, after initial embarrassing failures where I was unable to maintain erections and/or delayed ejaculation, we finally got into an everyday rotation that lasted for over a year. What I didn't realize were the warning signs.
Then I allowed my neuroses, social incompetence and other factors to end the best relationship I've ever had. From there it was a spiral of pornography and other vices. Charged with a newfound confidence that women actually find me attractive, I began a steady routine of womanizing that continues to the present day. Aided by dating sites, instant communication and lack of accountability, I have been able to find real-world pornography on a daily basis for the last 3 years. Exploiting insecure women, divorcees, younger girls, etc. has become my forte. And my masturbation habits have increased tenfold, as many as 5-6 times a day.
I am completely and utterly disgusted by this, even my attempts to find meaningful relationships that have been sprinkled into these actions have failed. I have been in sexual situations with around 6 women in the last year and been completely unable to first achieve orgasm and now achieve an erection. There is nothing like the feeling of losing your manhood, whether or not you are able to please a woman in other ways, the phallic obsession men have is real and when it fails you know something is wrong. Not even an attempt to rekindle a relationship with my only true girlfriend and only person I've ever truly loved worked. This just drives me further to pornography and sexting.
I noticed things going wrong last summer, my orgasms were increasingly delayed. Then, my erections became less rigid, so I masturbated even harder. Changing techniques and approaches didn't work. Masturbation became even more routine. I've been late to work dozens of times in the last year because I knew I had to release before going in. Sessions would take 45 minutes to an hour to complete. Although I am circumcised, I've lost what I believe to be an exorbitant amount of sensation in my penis due to my dry technique. Nothing else works, and the psychological impulse becomes a physiological "need." Now I can barely achieve erections without intense concentration of my mind and muscles, any variation and it's gone. When I ejaculate my penis is often already in a flaccid state while I try to force myself to finish. I hide my disgust with myself from myself. I know it has to stop. There's got to be something better than this.
I've done this before, I've gone days without a relapse only to be triggered back into by a text or Kik or Snapchat. I set a goal for myself of not masturbating in hopes of having sex with a number of the potential mates, not even that could get me to stop masturbating for more than a few days. While thinking about it today, I could not even remember if I climaxed this morning, the routine has become so instilled in my brain that I don't even get any satisfaction from it. If I don't stop now, there could be lasting and devastating impacts for the rest of my life. NOTE TO SELF: YOU MAY NEVER HAVE SUCCESSFUL INTERCOURSE AGAIN!
More than anything I know I need to stop objectifying and exploiting females, as much as a loss of sexual potency is for me, I am really disgusted by how I interact with and treat women. This has to be improved by stopping my downward spiral as well.
The triggers to avoid:
- Dating sites
- Instant messaging apps
- Perhaps the whole smart phone in general
Possible ways to ease the anxiety:
- Creating music
- Reading and writing
- Exercise
- Social interaction with friends
- Critical thinking games
It has been at least 12 hours at this point, here's to another 12.
I'm 28, I'll be 29 in a month.
This is my second attempt at a complete reboot; I actually found this forum as part of a resolution in 2012-13, needless to say it didn't work.
Then it was just a something that I thought would improve my life, now I feel it is all too necessary.
I began masturbating around age 13, a terrifying novelty that I stumbled upon late one night. After the initial shock, I was hooked.
From the very beginning I used a vigorous, dry and completely detrimental technique. To this day this is the only method which guarantees an orgasm.
I began watching pornography at the same time, waiting for pain-staking hours while high resolution images or 10 second clips loaded on our 28k and 56k modems brought in the data.
This was a steady diet throughout my teenage years through college, at least one round a day if not more. What began as a exploration of my impulses towards certain girls in my classes/life turned into an obsession devoid of reality.
Throughout this time I suffered from a crippling inferiority complex, I had always been painfully shy, especially around girls. So much so that even when a girl expressed interest in me I froze and ended up regretting all my decisions later.
I thought about lying to you, but really I would be lying to myself, as this is for my benefit only: despite being told that I was very attractive physically and mentally from age 13 on, I didn't have a girlfriend or my first kiss until age 25. I lacked any sort of confidence in myself, be it with friends or females, and pornography never had the threat of rejection.
When I met her, I thought life was on the ups. I stopped using pornography entirely and this stunning, intelligent co-virgin and I began to explore each other's sexuality. To this point no other human being had ever attempted nor made me climax. And, after initial embarrassing failures where I was unable to maintain erections and/or delayed ejaculation, we finally got into an everyday rotation that lasted for over a year. What I didn't realize were the warning signs.
Then I allowed my neuroses, social incompetence and other factors to end the best relationship I've ever had. From there it was a spiral of pornography and other vices. Charged with a newfound confidence that women actually find me attractive, I began a steady routine of womanizing that continues to the present day. Aided by dating sites, instant communication and lack of accountability, I have been able to find real-world pornography on a daily basis for the last 3 years. Exploiting insecure women, divorcees, younger girls, etc. has become my forte. And my masturbation habits have increased tenfold, as many as 5-6 times a day.
I am completely and utterly disgusted by this, even my attempts to find meaningful relationships that have been sprinkled into these actions have failed. I have been in sexual situations with around 6 women in the last year and been completely unable to first achieve orgasm and now achieve an erection. There is nothing like the feeling of losing your manhood, whether or not you are able to please a woman in other ways, the phallic obsession men have is real and when it fails you know something is wrong. Not even an attempt to rekindle a relationship with my only true girlfriend and only person I've ever truly loved worked. This just drives me further to pornography and sexting.
I noticed things going wrong last summer, my orgasms were increasingly delayed. Then, my erections became less rigid, so I masturbated even harder. Changing techniques and approaches didn't work. Masturbation became even more routine. I've been late to work dozens of times in the last year because I knew I had to release before going in. Sessions would take 45 minutes to an hour to complete. Although I am circumcised, I've lost what I believe to be an exorbitant amount of sensation in my penis due to my dry technique. Nothing else works, and the psychological impulse becomes a physiological "need." Now I can barely achieve erections without intense concentration of my mind and muscles, any variation and it's gone. When I ejaculate my penis is often already in a flaccid state while I try to force myself to finish. I hide my disgust with myself from myself. I know it has to stop. There's got to be something better than this.
I've done this before, I've gone days without a relapse only to be triggered back into by a text or Kik or Snapchat. I set a goal for myself of not masturbating in hopes of having sex with a number of the potential mates, not even that could get me to stop masturbating for more than a few days. While thinking about it today, I could not even remember if I climaxed this morning, the routine has become so instilled in my brain that I don't even get any satisfaction from it. If I don't stop now, there could be lasting and devastating impacts for the rest of my life. NOTE TO SELF: YOU MAY NEVER HAVE SUCCESSFUL INTERCOURSE AGAIN!
More than anything I know I need to stop objectifying and exploiting females, as much as a loss of sexual potency is for me, I am really disgusted by how I interact with and treat women. This has to be improved by stopping my downward spiral as well.
The triggers to avoid:
- Dating sites
- Instant messaging apps
- Perhaps the whole smart phone in general
Possible ways to ease the anxiety:
- Creating music
- Reading and writing
- Exercise
- Social interaction with friends
- Critical thinking games
It has been at least 12 hours at this point, here's to another 12.
