There was an interesting saying I just read the other day and it resonated deeply with me...
"Our lives are not designed to FIND ourselves, but to CREATE ourselves"
I say this because I always felt LOST of addictions whole life and endlessly trying to FIND the true me!
It is like I always lived with 2 people inside of my...My "addict" (which I despise) and the other one I longed to be "one day".
I didn't know that I had a "sexual addiction to porn" until just recently. I read the TIME magazine article on rebooting the brain....and THEN it all "clicked" for me!
I am a married/ 60 yr old guy who was raised in a strict Catholic upbringing....where sexuality was never spoken in the presence of the children.
It was both a forbidden topic AND a sin to even THINK about it (according to the religion)...you burn in hell.
I was raised with 3 brothers. Being we were ALL boys, I somehow got conditioned emotionally and psychologically "wired" early in life that MALES are basically (by their nature) "dirty" and "perverted".
I was always consumed in SELF SHAME & GUILT over my sexuality and being a male. It only got worse over the years as I grew up and went onto dating. I couldn't get enough of female attention and sexual relationships- even though I had a very negative "self image" of being dirty inside. Over the many years it progressed to gradually become a "love junkie" with overlapping relationships.
I was immensely interested in females and their "sexual secrets"...I wanted to see their deepest sexual sides. The thing I realize NOW is that I was desperately trying to PROVE to myself (and others) that females can ALSO be as "dirty & perverted" as males. (To relieve my guilt)
I was always trying to justify MY bad feelings inside about myself to say- "you SEE!-She is also a pervert too!"
How did I do this?...Through watching PORN! Of course (way back when) It was in the form of VCR tapes and magazines. However- then the internet came about, and we know the story.
I was able to access ALL different types of women AND sexual scenes /genres at the click of the mouse!
I can finally prove to myself (in private at least) that women WERE as dirty as I am- at least on the PC screen.
It wasn't until a few years ago (2-3 yrs maybe) that I started to watch Porn on a regular basis in the bedroom, as my wife watches her TV shows in the Living room. It was MY private world to sit and peek into ANY type of sex that I wanted to.
*I NEVER made the connection that my ED problems (that are now severe) was possibly due to watching the PORN on my PC. After reading the articles and viewing the educational videos on addictive behavior and brain function- it ALL is making sense!
I had a BAD addiction to cocaine in the 1980s and the Pain Pills in the 90s...all giving me the same effects.
Now its time to finally DEAL with my issues that plagued me my whole life...I want to finally break out of my guilt & shame that eat away my soul inside most of my life.
More info as I go....ALL comments/ info/ suggestions/advise are greatly appreciated.
SO much more to say!
"Our lives are not designed to FIND ourselves, but to CREATE ourselves"
I say this because I always felt LOST of addictions whole life and endlessly trying to FIND the true me!
It is like I always lived with 2 people inside of my...My "addict" (which I despise) and the other one I longed to be "one day".
I didn't know that I had a "sexual addiction to porn" until just recently. I read the TIME magazine article on rebooting the brain....and THEN it all "clicked" for me!
I am a married/ 60 yr old guy who was raised in a strict Catholic upbringing....where sexuality was never spoken in the presence of the children.
It was both a forbidden topic AND a sin to even THINK about it (according to the religion)...you burn in hell.
I was raised with 3 brothers. Being we were ALL boys, I somehow got conditioned emotionally and psychologically "wired" early in life that MALES are basically (by their nature) "dirty" and "perverted".
I was always consumed in SELF SHAME & GUILT over my sexuality and being a male. It only got worse over the years as I grew up and went onto dating. I couldn't get enough of female attention and sexual relationships- even though I had a very negative "self image" of being dirty inside. Over the many years it progressed to gradually become a "love junkie" with overlapping relationships.
I was immensely interested in females and their "sexual secrets"...I wanted to see their deepest sexual sides. The thing I realize NOW is that I was desperately trying to PROVE to myself (and others) that females can ALSO be as "dirty & perverted" as males. (To relieve my guilt)
I was always trying to justify MY bad feelings inside about myself to say- "you SEE!-She is also a pervert too!"
How did I do this?...Through watching PORN! Of course (way back when) It was in the form of VCR tapes and magazines. However- then the internet came about, and we know the story.
I was able to access ALL different types of women AND sexual scenes /genres at the click of the mouse!
I can finally prove to myself (in private at least) that women WERE as dirty as I am- at least on the PC screen.
It wasn't until a few years ago (2-3 yrs maybe) that I started to watch Porn on a regular basis in the bedroom, as my wife watches her TV shows in the Living room. It was MY private world to sit and peek into ANY type of sex that I wanted to.
*I NEVER made the connection that my ED problems (that are now severe) was possibly due to watching the PORN on my PC. After reading the articles and viewing the educational videos on addictive behavior and brain function- it ALL is making sense!
I had a BAD addiction to cocaine in the 1980s and the Pain Pills in the 90s...all giving me the same effects.
Now its time to finally DEAL with my issues that plagued me my whole life...I want to finally break out of my guilt & shame that eat away my soul inside most of my life.
More info as I go....ALL comments/ info/ suggestions/advise are greatly appreciated.
SO much more to say!
