Life is better on this side

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seneca

Active Member
I am 63 and married 28 years and have been addicted to porn most of my life.  It's painful to write this.  So I waited until I had 30 days before writing. I don't have any awful story to tell. No abuse. No real cause besides unfortunate opportunity. 
I just can't believe I am struggling with this at my age.  I have been actively quitting for nine years and have never gotten to 90 days! It's always 17 or 30 or 80 days and fail.  I'm sick of it.
Anyway, I feel quite good today with 30 days. No M or P. I realize all of my failures have started with fantasies. Then internet stuff that is not technically porn, and downhill from there, without exception.  I have never pulled out of the dive once I nosed down.
So no porn fantasies either.  No non-porn internet which can be used as porn. It's been a great thirty days.
 
bob

bob

Respected Member
Seneca,

Welcome to RN. We are glad you are here and congrats on the 30 days.

Keep it going!

Peace
 
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seneca

Active Member
41 days no p, no m.  This is better than 80% of my previous attempts.  So I feel great.  But I'm pretty sure I'm goin through a flatline.
 
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seneca

Active Member
55 days now.  Strong as ever.  Reading William.  God bless him.  Watching videos. Gary. Gabe. 
Sex with my wife is changing.  Beginning to think about her.  Instead of the bullshit.  Wonderful.
 
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seneca

Active Member
Thanks Farmer.  Much appreciated.  I'm 71 days and feeling strong as ever.  Watch the Gary wilson march 2015 video quite a bit and that excellent NZ video.  Very inspiring.  A big benefit for family men is not having to lie.  Being late for stuff and having to lie about why.  Good riddance to that.
 
A

Anothertry

Active Member
Perhaps your progess in this reboot means you are as wise as your namesake...

;D

Big fan of stoic philosophy myself and inspired to hear of your progress.  I am not married or have kids, but still have to lie about what I was doing sometimes.

It's cruddy and I want to be free of it.  Live clean - free of shame and despair.

All the best,

AT.
 
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seneca

Active Member
Thanks A.  I am not as wise as my namesake, just a fan of him and stoicism.  Part of that is the only thing I can control is myself.  And if I can't control that.....
 
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seneca

Active Member
80 days today.  No p. No m.  Sex with my wife of 28 years is becoming much more wonderful.  I am completely confident there won't be any issues with pied or delayed o.  Everything works perfectly and I know it will.
This is the second longest I have gone in 10 years.  Why is this time so much easier than in the past?  This time I have knowledge. I guess. The videos and resources are available.  And believe me, I watch them a lot. 


 
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seneca

Active Member
92 days no p. No m.  Longest run in ten years.  And still strong.  Why is this run succeeding when all of the others have failed?  I can identify two changes.  One, I am committed this time to a lifetime of freedom, not jus a set amount of days. The second, and more significant thing is that I am not underestimating the enemy.  I believe I am still in the ring, my opponent is there too and he is strong and determined.  I cannot relax or allow him an opening.  All of my previous failures began with porn fantasies, downloading and viewing from the hard drive in my head.  This was giving the enemy the opening he needed. This time I am not allowing that. I am denied that because I cannot handle it. 
What changes have I noticed? I am beginning to feel happiness when anticipating the little pleasures in my life.  Breakfast, golf, an occasional cappuccino, walking into the woods, seeing my wife. Could that be my brain healing?
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Way to go, man! You are proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that it is worth staying the course no matter what happens in the meantime.
 
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Oneway

Active Member
Wow! 92 days. That is fantastic! Congratulations.

seneca said:
Why is this run succeeding when all of the others have failed?  I can identify two changes.  One, I am committed this time to a lifetime of freedom, not jus a set amount of days. The second, and more significant thing is that I am not underestimating the enemy.  I believe I am still in the ring, my opponent is there too and he is strong and determined.  I cannot relax or allow him an opening.  All of my previous failures began with porn fantasies, downloading and viewing from the hard drive in my head.  This was giving the enemy the opening he needed. This time I am not allowing that. I am denied that because I cannot handle it. 
Click to expand...

You have a good and realistic approach. Probably we need to be vigilant over certain triggers for a long time. Maybe the rest of our lives.
 
getagrip

getagrip

Active Member
You're doing great! I'm older than you (66) and never had a problem with P or PIED until my recent second divorce. Living alone was giving me too much private time to indulge in my addiction. I am not nearly as far along in my reboot as you are, but like you, I have begun to rediscover some of my former, more positive pleasures, like looking at photos of planes and cars instead of P. Keep up the amazing work!
 
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lex5122

Guest
Great inspiration, I feel the same way about failing so many times, and not believing I can ever really succeed, I guess we are all being lied to by our selves.  Stay strong others are watching!

 
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seneca

Active Member
100 days. No p. No m. No p substitutes.  No leaning in or any of the other stupid nonsense I have always done to insure failure. I am in new territory here, and loving it.  And thanks to all of you for your encouraging comments.  They do make a difference.
One of the benefits is that I no longer have to lie about why I am late. My porn habit made me late every day.  "I have to be out of here in five minutes!" And twenty minutes later I'm cursing myself and trying to come up with a lie about where I've been.  Horrible.  But so wonderful to have that out of my life. 
 
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seneca

Active Member
111 days.  No p.  No m.  No p substitutes or fooling around the edges.  There appears to be only one thing that works for me.  Don't fantasize.  Don't even start.  Once I access the porn in my mental hard drive, it's over.  It's not a slippery slope. It's a sheer drop off into the abyss.  Some guys can handle it.  I cannot. 
Now for some humor.  I am fortunate to have a group of four friends. We get together regularly and speak very openly about our shit.  They told me I am getting into the preachy stage.  That's followed by becoming a Pontificator.  A few more months and I become a Shamer, wearily shaking my head and muttering "why do I even bother with these addicts."  And the next stage?  Liar.  ha. Man, do they know me.
 
TK-421

TK-421

Active Member
Congratulations on your recent success. It really is beneficial to everyone on here when we can see people starting to figure things out. I think you are exactly right on about your two key points of 1) not allowing any room at all for porn substitutes and 2) always remembering how cunning and stealthy this addiction can be. I can very much relate to your comment about how it is not even a slippery slope, but rather a cliff once we start down that road. The key is in identifying the problematic thoughts and behaviours much earlier on in the chain. On point #2 I can also identify with the importance of always remembering the strength of the enemy, even when we are on a good path and making good progress. If we don't always keep in mind how easy it is too slip back in, it can sneak up on us.

Keep up the good work!

TK-421
 
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