Old and Horny, Becoming a Former Fapster -- My Journal

[Oldmanme]

how's it going? On my 7th day with no PMO. Nothing to shout about but it's a start. I'm finding out that the mornings are when my body feels weird, like nicotine withdrawal. Does that sound normal (if anything about this is normal).

I told my Lady about the site and she found my handle & read the posts. Not sure if this was a good idea. I talk to her about what I'm doing & she finds if fascinating as do I that this is such an epidemic. But I'm not sure I can remain completely open with my posts if she's reading them. We're always totally transparent about most everything, but this might get freaky for her. Don't know.

 

[PMOVictory]

I hear your sentiment. Transparency is the best route to go but the woman in our life's sure will not really understand how this affected us. Remember for may of us we have been living with this secret vice for many years, decades. We "matured" into real fapsters with everything regarding it and everything that goes with it. I think it will be unfair from us to expect them fully comprehend the whole story, and how we evolved from where we started to what we were before starting the reboot.
Hope I'm make any sense...


Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I have been very busy, so have not had time to post much here, but I find myself just one week away from making 90 days PMO free.  It has not been a perfect 90 days by any means.  I have had a few little slips in the looking department.  I have looked at a few tumblr sites that were definitely NSFW, but did not MO at all.  I can say I am semi-not proud of that.  On the one hand, I actively looked.  On the other, it was only still images, I found them mostly boring and no MO.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress for the last two weeks and have another 10 days to go until things start to even out a bit.  Things are not super fantastic with my SO.  I had to borrow her car while mine was in the shop and I think there is some tension there (it took way longer than it should have!)  I can feel myself not so much in the mood when I am with her, I know it is the stress level, I clam up when things get tough.

I am hoping things get better all the way around soon.

 

[LTE]

I have been very busy, so have not had time to post much here, but I find myself just one week away from making 90 days PMO free.  It has not been a perfect 90 days by any means.  I have had a few little slips in the looking department.  I have looked at a few tumblr sites that were definitely NSFW, but did not MO at all.  I can say I am semi-not proud of that.  On the one hand, I actively looked.  On the other, it was only still images, I found them mostly boring and no MO.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress for the last two weeks and have another 10 days to go until things start to even out a bit.  Things are not super fantastic with my SO.  I had to borrow her car while mine was in the shop and I think there is some tension there (it took way longer than it should have!)  I can feel myself not so much in the mood when I am with her, I know it is the stress level, I clam up when things get tough.

I am hoping things get better all the way around soon.

Take pride in the progress you've made and TREASURE it. If you can do 84 you can do anything.

Why don't you make a special effort to tell your SO how much you appreciate sometime tonight. It doesn't have to be anything special, just tell her you're glad that she's there.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Just a few hours away from having the counter turn over to 90 and getting a little check mark by the bar.  This is actually a pretty big deal for me.  I am sure that I have never had a 90 day period free from MO since puberty.  So this is a good.

On the minus side, I am not feeling so great.  I am somewhat overwhelmed by work, my paychecks have not yet started coming in and I am feeling a slight disconnect with my SO.  So, I still have many, many issues to work on.  I won't say that I am free from all PMO urges, but they are greatly diminished and at least that gives me time and energy to start working on the other issues.

 

[PMOVictory]

OHG

I want to take the time to personally congratulate you on the 90 day mark that is coming within the next few ours.
I have been reading everything you have written on the forum, especially this thread.
You have come a long way from where you have been to where you are right now.
I hear what you say by...

I won't say that I am free from all PMO urges, but they are greatly diminished and at least that gives me time and energy to start working on the other issues.

I still now and again have strong urges to PMO, I would say 90 days is just the start to a life long journey of being free from PMO! This is the tip of the ice berg from being free from it after a life long addiction!
The important thing is you have learned a lot during this time!
About yourself, what triggers you, your SO etc.

Before you started your reboot things like...

I am somewhat overwhelmed by work, my paychecks have not yet started coming in and I am feeling a slight disconnect with my SO.

surely would have triggered you in a binge of PMO! Now you are positive and like you say that without the PMO urges and knowing what to do when they come, you have time and energy to focus on other issues.
So once again, WELL DONE!!!
What are you going to set the bar at next?
If you are slightly like me...
I went from 90 days straight to 365...
By that I actually said to myself this is a life long commitment!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[LTE]

You're doing great, OHG.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I have to admit that I do love seeing that big green check mark next to my progress bar, even if the goal was somewhat artificial.  Artificial in the sense that I could have picked any number of days.  I am happy and thankful that I have made it this far, but I can also look at myself honestly and say that I have a very long way to go.

I have not yet really begun to work on things other than PMO, I have a list of undone tasks that grows pretty much every day.  I will also say that while I may have my PMO habit under control I still have problems controlling my overall sexual issues.  I still look at women in real life as sex objects and don't get too much beyond my first impressions of their body, face and hair.  I also do a number of things that, while I don't actually succeed, are in fact sexual in nature.  For example, just because I have never had sex with someone I have met at the mall, that doesn't mean that I don't go to the mall looking for sex, no matter what surface reason I give to myself or anyone else.  I need to to better in so many areas.

In terms of my physical, sexual recovery, things are still a mixed bag.  I only occasionally experience morning wood and almost never get a spontaneous erection.  I have found myself fantasizing when I am with my SO to keep it hard.  However, a few nights ago was the first time in the 90 days that I was able to handle the missionary position, my ED was a million times worse doing that.  Also that night I got hard with minimal physical stimulation, which she appreciated very much.

I am very thankful for all the comments and support you folks have given me through this thread.  I can say that when I entered the danger zone a time or two over the last month one of the things that kept me from completely falling down the rabbit hole was my not wanting to reset my counter. 

For the most part the non-PMO part of things has been pretty easy, now I have to work on the hard parts of changing my behavior and attitudes.

 

[LTE]

Many of the issues you mention are common. Objectification seems to take longer to overcome but it will happen. I saw visible progress for well over a year into the reboot. Give it time.

 

[savingmysoul]

Grats on the 90 days!
Regardless, you did set a goal and you got there. 
You also seem to have a very good awareness of many of the satelite issues that go hand in hand with this addiction.  Its kinda like pulling a big ugly weed, and not getting all the roots.  Somethimes you can see the roots, and you work a little longer, a little harder to get them.  But some roots you can see, and don't know they exist until there are signs of a new weed.  You see the weed pull it again - there will be less roots remaining this time, but it is still not completely gone.

Hang in there - you too will soon have all the roots pulled, and the big ugly weed will be gone.

 

[rider654321]

Well done OHG. I'm seriously happy for you! 

 

[PMOVictory]

Indeed a great accomplishment!

I know it it a great feeling to see that big green tick mark.
Maybe you can add a second counter with a new goal.
Staying PMO free is you new way of life!
Show your commitment to it!

Some of the battles will take more time. Glad to see your awareness of it. It is a good sign.

Well said SMS I love the analogy with the wees and roots!

Stay strong and be Blessed

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Thanks again everyone for your well wishes.  My life is very busy right now, working a 6 day week.  The good news is that even being so busy and stressed, I haven't even had the urge to do anything that would cause me to relapse.  Things are still pretty good with the SO although our time together has dropped quite a bit.

I'll still check in from time to time, but not very often at the moment.

Today just happens to be day 100 PMO free!

 

[LTE]

Congrats on 100.

 

[savingmysoul]

Yes, grats on 100 days!

Hang tough.

 

[PMOVictory]

You have accomplished a lot during the past 100 days. You have also learned a lot about yourself and how to stay PMO free for the rest of your life.
Well done!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[rider654321]

Well done on the 100 + days mate. Your doing great!

 

[rider654321]

Hi OHG,

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote a few posts above (Sept 15). Particularly the part about seeing other women in random sexual scenario's and/or as sex objects within the confines of my mind.

I am very much self aware of the thoughts and I do change my thinking as soon as I realise I'm on that pathway, but it still happens a LOT for me. I accept that all those years of porn use has hyper sexualised my brain and that causes me to associate an attractive women with the old neural pathways to pleasure. 

It makes it a little confusing to when, in my own mind, I'm trying to reacquaint my brain with where the line between what would be considered a "normal" male response merges with what would be considered abnormal. For someone who's brain has become hyper sexualised that line gets a bit blurred.

   

 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hello Rider and everyone else...

I agree with you Rider that I no longer have any idea what a "normal" sexual response really is, for myself or anyone else.  On the one hand, I feel like I am just about the horniest guy in the word and that no one could possibly sexualize women more than me.  But then again on the other hand, I see and hear about people doing things (in the sexual realm) and I have to honestly say, that I would never do such a thing.  For example a female friend just posted on her FB page that someone posted on her wall that they would "like to F" her.  I can't even imagine doing such a thing and I am a sex addict!   I have had other female friends relate stories of being hit on or catcalled in public, and again, I just can't imagine doing such a thing!  Now granted, I understand we all have different issues with our sexuality, but still.  I don't feel so bad in that department.

Back to myself, once again I feel in the danger and to be honest even talking about it here makes it a little worse.

The last two months have been very long.  I have been teetering on being completely broke.  I don't see my kids as much, especially now that my daughter has graduated.  I have a todo list that is long and keeps growing. I am working 6 days a week and not getting nearly enough sleep.  The only good news in all of that is, all in all, the urges to go back to my former habit are not all that strong.  I certainly have urges, but they are not all that strong and I am able to resist them pretty easily.  For better or worse, I still focus more attention down there than I should, but I am not seeking out stimulation or Ming at all.

With my SO, I am feeling, well, I don't know what I am feeling and it is making me feel stupid.  On the one hand, she is a great woman and would do anything for me.  And I really appreciate that.  However, I am just not feeling it, especially when it comes to our sexual relationship. 

She still has big problems being able to orgasm with me.  Every time I think she is improving, the next time seems three steps back.  Today was a three steps back kind of day.  I hate being "that kind of guy" but her inability, though I try to understand it, really does bother me.  I just cannot get her there on a consistent basis, and it really is bothering my ego.

And for myself, I can honestly say that I am not much better.  My ED is much improved.  I still don't get spontaneous erections, but I get hard fast enough when it is time.  I can pretty much last as long as I would like, it is not DE, as I can finish any time I would like as well.  I have also reached the point where I don't much think about what is happening down there, it just seems to work almost every time, so I don't give it much thought.  So that part is OK.  My mind, however is totally screwed up. 

Even though she is a great woman and great in bed, I just cannot get the idea of sleeping around out of my head.  This makes no sense at all.  I am not a pickup artist in any sense, never really had casual sex with anyone.  But yet, this is what my brain seems to want, totally illogically.  We went out with a group of friends last night and the new woman in the group was all I could think about.  Fortunately, I did not embarrass myself in anyway (that is to say I was not hitting on her, etc.) but the idea of making it with the new girl is still very strong in my head.  This makes me feel like a bad guy and really is getting in the way right now.  I am not 100% sure that she is "the one", which is totally fine, but she at least deserves my full attention when I am around.

 

[LTE]

Hello Rider and everyone else...

I agree with you Rider that I no longer have any idea what a "normal" sexual response really is, for myself or anyone else.  On the one hand, I feel like I am just about the horniest guy in the word and that no one could possibly sexualize women more than me.  But then again on the other hand, I see and hear about people doing things (in the sexual realm) and I have to honestly say, that I would never do such a thing.  For example a female friend just posted on her FB page that someone posted on her wall that they would "like to F" her.  I can't even imagine doing such a thing and I am a sex addict!   I have had other female friends relate stories of being hit on or catcalled in public, and again, I just can't imagine doing such a thing!  Now granted, I understand we all have different issues with our sexuality, but still.  I don't feel so bad in that department.

Back to myself, once again I feel in the danger and to be honest even talking about it here makes it a little worse.

The last two months have been very long.  I have been teetering on being completely broke.  I don't see my kids as much, especially now that my daughter has graduated.  I have a todo list that is long and keeps growing. I am working 6 days a week and not getting nearly enough sleep.  The only good news in all of that is, all in all, the urges to go back to my former habit are not all that strong.  I certainly have urges, but they are not all that strong and I am able to resist them pretty easily.  For better or worse, I still focus more attention down there than I should, but I am not seeking out stimulation or Ming at all.

With my SO, I am feeling, well, I don't know what I am feeling and it is making me feel stupid.  On the one hand, she is a great woman and would do anything for me.  And I really appreciate that.  However, I am just not feeling it, especially when it comes to our sexual relationship. 

She still has big problems being able to orgasm with me.  Every time I think she is improving, the next time seems three steps back.  Today was a three steps back kind of day.  I hate being "that kind of guy" but her inability, though I try to understand it, really does bother me.  I just cannot get her there on a consistent basis, and it really is bothering my ego.

And for myself, I can honestly say that I am not much better.  My ED is much improved.  I still don't get spontaneous erections, but I get hard fast enough when it is time.  I can pretty much last as long as I would like, it is not DE, as I can finish any time I would like as well.  I have also reached the point where I don't much think about what is happening down there, it just seems to work almost every time, so I don't give it much thought.  So that part is OK.  My mind, however is totally screwed up. 

Even though she is a great woman and great in bed, I just cannot get the idea of sleeping around out of my head.  This makes no sense at all.  I am not a pickup artist in any sense, never really had casual sex with anyone.  But yet, this is what my brain seems to want, totally illogically.  We went out with a group of friends last night and the new woman in the group was all I could think about.  Fortunately, I did not embarrass myself in anyway (that is to say I was not hitting on her, etc.) but the idea of making it with the new girl is still very strong in my head.  This makes me feel like a bad guy and really is getting in the way right now.  I am not 100% sure that she is "the one", which is totally fine, but she at least deserves my full attention when I am around.

At 110 days you have made significant progress in overcoming the addiction but the benefits are just beginning to acrue. At least in my experience, a lot of the change comes down to changing my relationship to sex, to porn, to orgasm, to how I view women and, more than anything, changing my definition of sexual satisfaction.

That last point informs my reaction to sexual desire and has transformed me. I no longer envy others that have promiscuous sex. I realize that this is not the path to satisfaction. In fact, the continuos.seeking of novel partners indicates, at least to my sensibilities, that people who practice promiscuity never find lasting satisfaction.

In the past, I would find myself tempted by porn shops, strip,joints, etc. these days. That is not the case. I recently had to travel past a number of such establishments and felt no temptation, even though I was feeling a bit lonely at the time. Strippers are not the cure for loneliness. Jerking off is not the cure for horniness and watching videos of people having sex is not a substitute for real world sexual activity.

I suspect that in time you will find your fascination with sleeping around will dissipate. You are on the path to recovery and healing.