29 year old - Sick and Tired of feeling bad about this!

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Ap26

Member
This is not my first Journal but I have been away for a long time - I think I gave up on giving up and to be honest i don't think I was actually willing to stop. I am now ready and this is it I am rebooting starting today.

I have been watching porn on and off for about 16 years but at the start when the internet was slow it really wasn't so bad but as speed have increased so has the amount of porn. My main issue is not ED but is the escalation of material - it has got to the point where almost without fail i will end PMO feeling racked with guilt and shame. The crazy thing is that i know I always end up feeling that way and yet I still go down that path. Anyway I don't want to ramble on and bore anyone who can be arsed to read this.

Like i say I am ready to reboot, i am currently laid up with multiple injuries after a motorbike crash and feel its a a make a break time - i have a lot of time on my hands and I don't want to go straight back to the worst its been, which it clearly could lying about on my own all day recovering. I am taking action to stop and i hope to use this forum and the tracker to maintain some accountability with all you rebooters!

Thanks for reading and i wish you all well on you journeys.
 
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willtochange

Active Member
Hey man, wish you all the best on your reboot. It's crazy how addiction works, although we know how we will feel in the end we still go back for our fix.
 
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Ap26

Member
Thank Willtochange - and yeh its is crazy. I actually just celebrated 4 years clean from heroin, have not used any drugs or alcohol for 4 years. I can tell you that died of addiction is exactly the same. I knew drugs were hurting me and yet I still kept going back - in that respect this feels exactly the same.

Anyway mate thanks for reply and wish you the best with your reboot. Guaranteed it will be more than worth it and it will get better after few weeks.
 
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prozilla

Guest
Recovering from this disease is like walking around with a bottle of liquor with you all the time and trying not to drink it.
 
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Ap26

Member
Yeah too true - especially with smartphones and stuff it literally is walking about with the problem accessible everywhere anytime. With drugs and alcohol you can at least not be around them for the first few months! With porn is pretty hard to not be around it.
 
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Ap26

Member
Relapsed after 3 days! Finding this really hard as I am house bound and on my own after motorbike crash. Not really sure what to do everything I would normally do I can't! Cant even leave the house let alone go and exercise. Its depressing enough though without adding shame and guilt to the pile.

I supposed the only thing to do is pick myself up and start again but I am scared that I have now started off that addiction again and that in a couple of days my head is going to be telling me "ah once won't hurt and you deserve it because your injured" the reality is if I "deserve" anything, or rather need anything now, its peace of mind and not to feel shit about PMO all the time.

Doe anyone have any advice around this stuff? Its really getting me down. What can I do to escape this without leaving the house? I suppose actually maybe getting rid of the laptop during the day? Bit of a problem as I may need to work from home soon in which case i will need it but in the meantime couldn't hurt? Any other thoughts out there?

 
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Farmer1016

Active Member
Being housebound makes your situation more difficult obviously because you're unable to get out and away from the temptation and availability.

That leaves you with nothing but willpower and sheer desire to get beyond this challenge.

I was reading a physiological explanation of the urge/surrender cycle that helped me change my perspective of how I'm approaching my addition.

The urges come from the lower brain, the primitive brain if you will. That's the section of the brain that's responsible for our involuntary functions such as heartbeat, breathing, digestive etc. It obviously controls our sex drive and search for orgasm as well. When you really think about it, that makes sense because, ultimately, one of our basic drives as human animals is to reproduce. Our brain is going to seek that aggressively.

The ability to control our urges comes from the upper or higher brain. While that section of our brains cannot completely override the lower (think holding your breath or stopping your heartbeat) it can control and smother other urges such as masturbation because, ultimately, the urge is just an urge until the hands get involved. And the upper brain is in complete control of the hands etc.

It's not an easy process to work through for sure but thinking about it entirely from the point of view that the upper brain is in control has helped me greatly.

You can do this. Don't doubt that. Focus on your goal and what you're trying to accomplish. Then let everything else fall away as insignificant.

Hope you get well and back to a normal routine very soon.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.
 
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Ap26

Member
Thanks mate thats great advice. It really is hard sitting here all day! But at the same time it is giving me a lot of time to think about what I actually want. Do I want to be the sort of person that sits about watching porn every day feeling bad about it or do I want to reboot and see who I am actually supposed to be.

I saw a documentary called "Pleasure unwoven" which talks about the lower brain and dopamine reward pathways. It is discussing it in relation to substance addiction but the same principals apply - i had not thought about it for ages thanks for the reminder I need to try and apply that knowledge to this situation.

A day at a time and hour at a time. Thanks mate
 
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Farmer1016

Active Member
One other suggestion I'd offer is to allow yourself limited MO during those times when you just feel like you absolutely must have that release.

If you do that though, you must approach it using nothing but sensation. No watching anything. No reading anything erotic. No viewing pics etc. No outside supplementation at all. If you do any of those things you're right back in the PMO cycle you're trying to break.

I know you said you've experienced some PIED issues. Have you also experienced reduced sensation issues during sex? If so, MO will set you back somewhat on recovering sensation so be aware of that. Is your PIED severe enough that you can only achieve arousal via P or P-subs? (Mine was. At my worst, I couldn't get aroused without watching or reading something. That's much better now though.)

If you do MO, you need to concentrate on using lots of lotion or lube and a feather light touch in order to minimize the impact on sensation recovery.

The danger to this, and it's a very real danger experienced by so many, is that MO can easily lead right back to PMO. Unless you're sure you can resist the PMO regardless, don't engage in the MO, even on a limited basis.

If you weren't limited in your ability to escape and divert your attention to other activities, I wouldn't think limited MO is a good option.

Others may disagree with me here, and I'd like to hear their input for your situation.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.

 
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Ap26

Member
You know that exactly what I have just done - told myself that since I am stuck in the house on my own that MO would be ok tried that but it very quickly led to PMO. I am lying to myself saying i can leave the P out of it.


Finding this near impossible just because I am sat around on my own all day and can't even go outside for fresh air. Feel pretty low to be honest and this is just making it worse! Its that lie though that PMO will make me feel better when I'm down and then it just makes it all worse and so the cycle keeps going. Im embarrassed to keep resetting my counter! Really shit effort.
 
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