Porn and chat-room free

[PE30]

Hi all

Firstly, can I just say that I wish I'd stumbled across this website years ago. It's amazing to see that there are literally thousands of other people battling with the same things I've battled with for years.

I'm 37. I'm married with two children. I'm a Christian and I've been involved in church ministry since I was about 16.

I've struggled on and off with masturbation, pornography, online chat-rooms and so on for over 20 years. It's come and gone over that time - I've got free, relapsed, and so on for much of that time. Things however came to a head in 2014 when my wife discovered that I'd met a girl online and then met her in real life, sleeping with her.

I got clean again for over five months, and then relapsed again on a day that I was at home unwell. Since then, it's been an on and off struggle until the Saturday before last where things came to a head again.

I've struggled with self-image for most of my life - always felt like I've had to prove myself in terms of the way I look, my attraction to others and so on. Which is crazy, as I have a beautiful, caring, supportive wife and two lovely children.

It's just got to the stage now where I'm 37, sick of being controlled by these thoughts and I want to break free.

I'm currently 10 days' clean of porn, chat rooms and so on. I'm so glad to stumble across this forum as there is nobody in my life who really properly understands the struggle I have. (Or if they do, they're keeping a poker face about it).

All encouragement, prayers and support welcome. Hoping to keep this up for as long as it takes.

 

[willtochange]

Hey man, welcome to the forum! I'm also a Christian and have been dealing porn addiction for about 15 years. I'm 26 now and i didn't realize i had an issue until a couple of months back. I would like to recommend a book called Finally Free by Heath Lambert. It's a biblical based book on porn addiction and is a really good read.

 

[PE30]

Thanks for the tip, I'll look it up.

I'm really blessed to have a church pastor who's interested in restoring me and my wife. I've heard lots of horror stories of people being hauled up in front of the church for stuff like this - he's neither swept it under the carpet nor subjected me to public humiliation.

Today is 11 days clear. I've been told that the DeltaFosB in my brain will start to reset within 6-8 weeks, so my first major aim is to get to day 56. Thought I'll be taking it one day at a time.

Really wish I'd found this site sooner.

 

[Farmer1016]

Welcome aboard sir. You'll find lots of support her and, when necessary, you'll find a swift kick in the pants as well.

We're all in a similar struggle. Some worse, some less so. But the root of the struggle is a common thread that stitches us all together.

I, too, am a married guy. Through indulgence in PMO, I developed PIED which robbed me of ten years of intimacy with my bride, the love of my life. You can read my journal here if you're interested: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=10511.0

One day, while using G-rated content on the web, I stumbled across a news article about PIED. I've been here ever since. I also added the coach.me app to my phone. That has helped dramatically.

You can defeat this thing. No doubt about it.

Concentrate on what you're trying to accomplish and keep focused on that.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.

 

[PE30]

I hope that you don't mind that my struggle is slightly different - I have used porn but primarily my vice was going on chat rooms. It all amounts to the same thing in the end - a massive impact on my own mental health, intimacy with my wife, relationship with God and so on. The difference is that I was chasing after the fantasy of other women (and I can't use the word fantasy strong enough: ultimately, any chat room conversation is a total dead end).

What I'm trying to accomplish is: a life where I can be alone in my house when my wife is out or away (or alone in the office when my colleagues are out), and not feel the urge to go on a chat room or porn site. For me, it's all about my identity in myself (and in Christ) and realising I have nothing to prove to myself. I need to see myself how others see me, and how Christ sees me.

(I realise that there are all faiths and none on here, so apologies if the God stuff isn't your thing! We're all on the same journey regardless of motives)

I'll have a look at your blog. Keep going, you're doing great!

 

[PE30]

15 days porn and chat room free.

Triggers are everywhere, though. I mean, I'm sat here at my desk with nobody else in the office and there would be absolutely nothing stopping me from going onto a chat room right now. Weirdly, they don't seem to be censored through the public wifi at our work, though porn is.

But that's not the point, is it? My wife and I were talking about this over the weekend - I could put all the filters and blocks everywhere that I want, but ultimately it's only my will-power that's going to make a difference.

A couple of things I've put in place, though:
- I now keep my phone on charge over the other side of the bedroom at night. That way, I'm not tempted to go online while my wife is sleeping.
- I am going to "work from home" at a friend's office. He knows about my struggles and I figure that this would reduce the long hours of being all alone and vulnerable.

I'm pretty certain that my gmail account cannot be recovered after 15 days, so that means I'm unable to access my old KiK (as I scrambled the password). Of course, there's temptation everywhere but it's just that little bit further away now.

Going to beat this one day at a time!

 

[PE30]

16 days free!

Quite a quick one today as my desk is overlooked. Yesterday wasn't too bad - busy day at work and a busy evening afterwards.

My targets are:
21 days (used to be a barrier historically as I'd often get complacent around that point);
42 days (that's six weeks, the point at which dopamine levels are reported to return to normal after addiction);
90 days (the first time round, I went roughly 90 days before looking up a girl I used to chat with on Facebook. That was the start of the rot);
150 days (this was my record the first time round).

My ultimate target is a lifetime away from the things that put my mental health and marriage in such grave danger.

 

[Farmer1016]

16 days toward freedom.  Congratulations!

Keep focused. Stay strong. You can beat this thing.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.

 

[PE30]

17 days free. Things have been easier over the past day or two, but not getting complacent.

There are still triggers everywhere. The Scrabble app I use has a recurring advert for some kind of webcam streaming thing. I keep clicking it away!

Things are better with my wife. Just building trust back one day at a time.

 

[PE30]

18 days free. Was scrolling through Facebook and someone I'd previously been chatting with on a chat room came up as a "friend suggestion". Was a bit rattled by this but clicked 'remove' and went on with my life.

Christian bit: I've been really aware of the grace of God on my life over the past few days. It's like he's refusing to let me know. I've felt this even when I've relapsed: like He's never going to let me go too far from his grip.

Just need to keep rationalising things. There's no part of my life that *needs* porn or chat rooms. I don't need other women to find me attractive; I don't need to get other women off; I don't need watch people I've never met having sex. I don't need these things in my life and I'm no better as a result of them. I'm 37 years old and I have decades ahead of me.

 

[willtochange]

Nice job on deleting that suggested person, keep up the good work.

 

[PE30]

Thank you

19 days free. There's that horrible temptation that seems to come in around the three week mark which says: "go on, treat yourself"... But that's nonsense, isn't it?! I need to remember how hard day 1 is. I end up dragging women along and then I have to pull myself away from them - it's really unfair on them, it's damaging for me and it makes a mockery of the vows I made to my wife.

On the positive side of things - there are so many benefits to being porn and chat room free:
- I sleep better (as I'm not secretly staying awake while my wife sleeps);
- I have a better sex life (my performance is much better and I'm no longer having to use mental stimulation to bring myself to orgasm);
- I feel happier (as I've not got that horrid feeling of self-loathing);
- I have a closer relationship with God (of course, he's never abandoned me but I feel that I can approach Him with a clearer head and without having to spend chunk of my quiet time repenting).

I need to remember these positives when I am next tempted. What would I rather have: a steady, stable, happy life or the fleeting thrill of a virtual affair with all the guilt and risk that brings?

For those who pray: please pray for me over the next few days, for my protection over the three week mark.

 

[PE30]

23 days now. To be honest, I've been really distracted as my stepmum is really ill (weeks to live) so I've not really felt like going on a chat room or anything. My points of temptation tend to be when I'm on a high rather than on a low. Still, I need to be resilient.

Glad to be over the three week mark. Next big target: 40 days

 

[PE30]

24 days. Maybe I should concentrate on getting to 30 (next Tuesday) and then to 40 from there.

Had quite a heavy-duty erotic dream last night and woke up erect to the point that my wife noticed. She asked "are you going to wank in the shower now?" - I guess I have a way to go to restore her trust.

But I didn't. And I'm still 24 days free. Mustn't get complacent.

I am switching my "working from home" arrangement so I work from the offices of our local church. I think this is sensible as it reduces the risk of relapse, to say the least!

 

[willtochange]

Congrats on 24 days, keep on pushing!

 

[PE30]

25 days now. Things are generally a bit up and down with my stepmum and family, but this hasn't had a noticeable effect on how much I'm tempted.

I'm currently working from our church office and I think this is a really good move. The fewer hours in the week when I'm exposed to temptation, the better!

Things are going really well with my wife too - we're going out for dinner tonight. I'm trying my best to appreciate her fully and just be really grateful for what I've got (rather than pining after things that are not rightfully mine).

 

[PE30]

27 days free.

Bit of a challenge tonight because my wife is unexpectedly out... In my pre-reboot days this would be prime time for hitting a chat room and edging / masturbating. Though I'd usually not come, just in case my wife got suspicious.

Tonight, I'm staying clear. I can't say that I'm not tempted, because I am, but I've put nearly a whole calendar month behind me and I'm not going to blow it.

Do others find that there are triggers everywhere? Adverts, music videos, most evening TV. I've switched it off, it was rubbish anyway.

Thanks for your encouragement and prayers

 

[PE30]

29 days free.

I need to stop thinking that a little bit of whatever will be okay. I need to stop my brain from tricking me into thinking that I deserve it.

The bottom line is that CHAT ROOMS ARE UNACCEPTABLE for my life, as is porn. If I want a connection, there are a thousand other ways of connecting with people that don't make a mockery of my marriage. I'm being hard on myself because frankly I need to. Good cop is fine sometimes, but bad cop is necessary as well.

I'm longing for a day when the temptation is a distant and powerless force. Things are better now than they were, but I still need plenty of self-discipline to stop myself from sinking back into old habits.

There is something therapeutic about journalling this, though.

 

[Objectified1]

It's interesting to read your journal. Thanks for taking the time to keep it. I am a wife of a PA so I find it interesting to see what you guys go through. I want to ask some questions, I hope you don't mind. What is it that you want from these other women that your wife doesn't or can't (in your mind) provide? Is it just "other" women wanting you that makes it so exciting for you? Why is it that her wanting you isn't enough to keep you satisfied? I find this hard with my husband. He sounds somewhat similar to you. I ask him this and he tells me he does want me. But to a wife this is saying, " your not enough, I need more. You don't give me the validation etc that I want OR your desire for me doesn't mean as much as theirs." It feels like and in a sense it is true, that he is putting more value on them when he is choosing them instead of me. Thanks for any response.

 

[PE30]

Hey, thanks for the message... the thing is, the answer is illogical: my wife is amazing, has been nothing but loving to me and hasn't deserved what I've put her through. I think I've had a deep-seated lack of self-esteem, which has manifested itself in a desire to be wanted by other women (which is why chat rooms have been more of a temptation than porn). I've had to learn to be happy as I am.

I'm not sure if this analogy helps, but think about alcohol addiction. As a moderate drinker I'll enjoy sharing a bottle of wine with my wife and the occasional beer with a work colleague, but I don't have any desire to sink a bottle of whisky every night or anything. I'm trying to get to that stage with sexual desire and gratification, where I'm satisfied with my wife and I don't need to engage in destructive behaviours. I'm 30 days in to this reboot and I'm getting there.

In terms of how the addiction feels: it's as strong as a drug addiction in a way. I've been in the position in the past where I've been lying on my bed, crying and praying to God to take it away because I'm so ashamed of myself and so scared of the impact it has on my wife and family.

The good news is that I'm 30 days down the line and the desire is reducing. My wife has actually been really brave, in that she has opened up much more and been much more demonstrative in her love for me since my last relapse. (I think that, by her own admission, she's held a lot back since she first knew that something was up with me). This has helped, but ultimately it's down to me and my daily choice to choose her over chat rooms.

The fact that your husband is open about his addiction is one thing. If he ever wants to talk to me then link him to this journal and I'll try to reply. I'd like to think that some good might come out of my failures - in that I might be able to help others recover from the same problems.

Hope all works out for you and thanks for the questions.