Freaked Out- SO Journal

[PaintedBird]

I am new to posting on this forum. I wanted to start a journal so I might have somewhere to put my thoughts down on what it's like in my head being an SO of a PA. I have found a lot of encouragement and insight by visiting others' posts already. Figure it's time to try and participate.
My story is much like other SO's from what I've read. It's comforting and saddening to know that I'm not alone. I may at some point decide to write a lengthy explaination of my situation.
I have been in a relationship for 5 yrs now. I'm 32 years old. My PA is in recovery for 2 mos now and I have been awarethe extent of the addiction for about a yr.
I am in a stage of recovery where I cycle between resentment and trying to understand what he is going through. I am also an alcoholic working with my own sobriety.
Just trying to make this whole broken thing work. Hopefully it won't be broken eventually.
Thank you so much for being here. I'm glad that I found this place.

 

[aquarius25]

Welcome. I am not going to say I am glad by your circumstance but I am glad you have found us none the less. You have an entire community of support here! Don't be afraid to reach out if you ever need anything! You don't have to walk alone. Many blessings!

 

[PaintedBird]

Thank you so very much!
The last few days have been all over the place. Arguing, yelling, it just wasn't going well at all. We got into a huge fight about me pushing his boundaries. It was really heated and he left...for the night. This is his normal way of dealing: escape or avoid. He stayed the night at a hotel. I felt all that was necessary was going for a drive or a walk. I was left to deal with the responsibilities of the kids, house, etc. I also felt it was a betrayal and probably an excuse to use. So, because it was the same thing he has done in the past I felt I was being cheated on, lied to, deserted. I was triggered completely. I believe going through this side of things is traumatic and changes how you think about everything.
The next day he came back, but the damage was done. I was back to feeling angry, resentful, and bitter allll over again. I have been able to work through some of this lately, but this set me back. I feel sometimes like I have to change everything and just be there for him, while I have no one and get nothing in return. He just keeps on doing the same thing and I have to be ok with it in order for him to change it on his own. It's frustrating to feel that way.
When he came back I was still angry and was at him all that day and the next. It wasn't helping anything. Finally I blew up and right after realized what was going on. I was hurt and had no clue what to do about it. Talking to him usually just upsets him and that's not really what I want. I just want it to stop.
We wound up talking a lot. We worked through it and he tried to understand to the best of his ability. That actually helped me be a lot less angry. As far as I can tell he didn't use and was being honest about that. He has been dealing, which is new to him. I can tell this is going to be a very long road for both of us. People say it gets better.