Fleeting erections, lack of arousal

[clamborne]

Just going to get this out of the way first. This post may end up having triggers in it, so apologies in advance if this is the case.

Here's my back story: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=8095.0

Basically, I'm a 33 yr old virgin, with a long history of porn usage as a means of avoiding interaction with any girls. I have anxiety/depression problems and have basically put off sex in forever out of fear - mostly revolving around not measuring up, not being able to perform and essentially just being naked in the presence of a girl or letting her see my penis erect.

To cut a long story short, I pretty much started dating over the last year. The first long term thing didn't work out, but I've just met a girl who I think I might even be capable of falling in love with. We've known each other for about six months, but went on our first proper date earlier this week and hungout all of yesterday.

Here's the problem. There was a golden opportunity for us to have sex yesterday, but however much I tried, my erections kept coming and going. Whenever we start kissing and I look into her eyes I get aroused (this often happens when we hug and kiss in the street, it can be a terrible inconvenience sometimes). But as soon as she starts to pull me in close to grind or initiate sex, I start to go limp. I can only think it's part of a fight or flight response i have to sex - as something to fear and avoid. I start to tense up and often when she touches me close to my groin, I flinch. She thinks I'm ticklish, but the reality is that I get fearful of things escalating and everything starts to shut down.

Now my theory is that years and years of masturbating and looking at unblemished, perfectly proportioned porn stars has numbed me to the real deal. The girl I'm talking about now does not have the best body, and perhaps my brain is saying, yes this kissing is hot, but then I look at her body and its telling me, well, she's no porn star. I'm wondering if years of fantasy has now made it so difficult for my brain to register actual living, breathing females as sexier than those I see in screen. I'm 275 days no PMO at this point, so I would've thought that I would have a good shot at things, although I can't remember what it felt like to have a libido, it's been so long.

So why is it that I can get an erection from kissing her goodbye in the street, but not in bed? How can I relax enough and translate initial arousal into a long-standing hard on?

I don't know how to shift the thought of sex being something to fear instead of enjoy and that inability is scaring me. If I don't find a way to overcome this, then I'm not sure how I will ever be able to have sex.

Anyone have any idea how I overcome this?

 

[Robmetta]

Hi Clamborne

You are way ahead of me so let me congratulate you first on your 275 days. Fantastic man!

It does seem as though this has more to do with anxiety than porn, although porn is an element. In the end you may have to level with her, explain what is going on, win her understanding and her patience and thereby allow yourself (and her) plenty of time.  The next bit of advice may seem crazy: agree with each other to go to bed but not have sex, just caress. Sounds crazy huh? Maybe it is but what I am suggesting is that you get as far away from anxiety triggers as possible (Oh God! I am going to bed with her, hope I can get wood!!) Forget wood! Maybe do this not once but several times.

Obviously the risk is that when you level with her she will be upset, angry, feel rejected when you try to explain and walk out. I just dont know; you will have to be the one to judge whether this advice is wise and whether she is the kind of woman who will genuinely help you and understand.

Whatever happens remember this: you have done incredibly well to get this far. It shows real spirit and courage and I salute you my friend.

Robmetta

 

[willtochange]

First of all congrats on meeting someone and stepping out of that comfort zone. The best way to feel confident unfortunately will have to be through experience, i think this is more performance anxiety then i do PIED. It will take a few times to get comfortable enough to do it. Best of luck.

 

[clamborne]

Yeah I hope it is just performance anxiety. But the thing that drives me crazy is that I can get crazy boners when we're out together, but when it comes to being in bed, my brain just switches off, tells the rest of my body it's not aroused and makes my dick shrivel up like a prune.

Case in point, last night we went out to a couple of bars. Had some cocktails, wine, lounged on a sofa cuddling and kissing. I was popping raging boners all night, such that when I got home to bed I had crazy blue balls and my penis itself was actually hurting, preventing me from going to sleep.

And then all of today at work I felt like I had the raging horn. Couldn't stop thinking about her all day and then we meet after work, make out and cuddle and I can only muster semis. It's like my dick doesn't know whether it's coming or going and is just firing off randomly at different times of the day.

I just want to be as aroused as I am when I'm thinking of her or kissing her as I am when I'm naked. I just don't understand why I can't make that happen.

 

[misc person 86]

Clamborne. Exact same thing happened to me... It was really destroying me the more I thought about it. We'd be sat in the countryside on the grass, I'd be holding her hand and kissing her and I would be totally solid... Then we'd go home but I'd have zero erection in the bedroom. I also put it down to PA... But on reflection, looking back NOW, I don't think it was PA... Just PIED messing with my head. It's so confusing I know, that we get hard from tiny little things. But then when sex comes it's like our libidos have just vanished. It does improve, it will settle down and refractory period becomes smaller and smaller. I don't know what happens in our heads but what you're experiencing is normal/as expected and very similar to my recovery... It will get better, more consistent and fun.

 

[Phase2]

Hi Clamborne. Congrats on putting in so much time. I think you and I share something similar. Obviously, porn messed with our heads, but it is anxiety that is getting in the way of things at this point. I'm not sure if this anxiety was caused by porn, as I've always seemed to have some form of it, even way before the internet came along. But like you, I can get an excellent boner, but mysteriously, when it comes to sex, my head can start spinning away from the moment and sometimes it feels, literally, like I have the opposite of an erection. Like, my dick wants to crawl back inside. I can feel the sweat building on my brow. It's like a psychological meltdown and it goes straight to my boner and kills it. So awful.

I've put a shitload of time on my clock with no PMO at this point. Like you, I thought it would have solved itself by now. I think the reboot has helped a lot. But it's not all fixed. What I've found that works for me to have a good erection is two simple things 1) a good week or more since my last orgasm so i'm very ready for sex. At some point, the body feels so horny it's like it doesn't CARE about anything else anymore and I am really able to get out of my head and act in a more primal way. 2) I also use a very small amount of Cialis to help me over the hump. I don't have to take nearly as much as I did before my reboot, but it seems to help a lot. I know none of us wants to rely on a pill, any amount, but in my case it seems to make the difference between having fun natural feeling sex rather than a bad experience with lots of anxiety and terrible frustration. That's an easy choice to make!

I have also noticed that I sometimes have more trouble with erections if the person I'm having sex with is IMPORTANT. Like, if I think they are boyfriend material, or someone I really like. Then my head is more apt to go haywire. If the guy is just a hookup, it seems to be less of an issue.

Anyway, hope this helps somewhat. You're not the only one dealing with this. I'd love to have a great concrete solution for you but I don't. I think the reboot is very helpful, but you still have to tackle the issue from some other angles too. Cheers buddy

 

[clamborne]

Thanks Andy and Phase. I hope it will get better, but it's really difficult to have faith that it will right now. And the more it drags on, the bigger the issue it becomes in my head and the more I continue to go down the road of questioning my sexuality. And that just becomes a neverending issue that I can't resolve, because I keep looking at guys on the street and thinking "Do I fancy them? Could I be naked with another guy?" And then I kind of go over and over things in my head, entertaining the idea  that this whole PIED thing has been a ridiculous waste of time, that the actual answer I can't face is that I'm gay; I just can't bring myself to go through being with another man. But then I meet the girl, kiss her and get hard from it and...well, I just don't know what to do anymore. It really frustrates me that something that millions of people around the world find so straightforward feels like climbing Everest to me.

Anxiety is playing a part, I know that much. The boners I get from kissing with clothes on are, I think anyway, because that's when I'm at my most relaxed. I know subconsciously that things can't escalate if we're out in a bar, so everything just "flows" to the right place. But when we're naked, mentally, I'm on high alert. I flinch whenever she touches me close to my groin or my back and the whole time I'm thinking "What if I can't keep this erection, what if she finds my cock really unimpressive? Am I going to be able to do this properly?" etc etc. And it kind of boils down to me being scared to let her see me erect - because that's the only part of me that's a mystery to her at this point, and I don't want her to be disappointed by what she sees - that that last vestige of curiosity will be revealed and she'll think "Damn, that's all he has? I want out of this". So even handjobs and blowjobs are out of the question too - I end up being so anxious that it shrivels like a prune.

To make matters worse, I had porn dreams last night, of the weird and freaky kind, which, though it may sound a bit trivial, I think was fuelled by the fact I ate a lot of cheese before bed too. If it wasn't for this PIED issue you'd probably find the whole thing fairly comical - it was me *watching* porn (it's never me participating), but with male and female body parts floating and melding in the air, random fragments of sexual acts coming and going. Like I said, it sounds comical to describe it, but at the time I was trying so hard not to watch and when I awoke, I ended up tossing and turning in a fit of despair for hours.

So here I am. I don't know what's going on, anxiety has tied everything up in knots and I'm having flashback dreams where I'm back to interpreting sex as something other people do while I watch.

Meanwhile, I keep endlessly trying to "test" myself over my sexuality. The only thing that keeps me going back to PIED and PA, is the rationalisation that I fancied girls when I was younger, I instinctively look at girls when I'm walking down the street, and I can get some kind of erection when kissing members of the opposite sex.

Oh, and I can pretty confidently state that having sex with my girlfriend is something I would like to do. So now the question is: what do I do next to try and get to the bottom of this?

 

[Phase2]

Gee. I feel for you. It sounds like you are in a bit of a meltdown.

I'm no expert, really, but I'd say the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. And then do nothing. You don't have to have sex with anyone for awhile. Take yourself out of the game for a couple months while you get it together. Free yourself from the questioning and panic. You don't HAVE to have sex right now. Give yourself a break. And do the reboot hardmode, while you think some of this through. Anyone your in a relationship with--who is worth being in one with--will understand you are going through something big and support you.

Second, while you say "millions of people have it so easy with sex", remember that millions also DON'T. So it's a perception thing. When you see someone on a porn flick, or even with a girlfriend strutting down the street--you don't see what all they went through to put that image before you. You are interpreting it as easy. But it's probably not. That guy in the porn? Good chance he's on meth, Viagra, is a gym-aholic, is an attention whore, can't hold a real job, etc. Everyone has their issues, so don't let that psych you out. Watching porn for years screws with your mind. It will take some time to free yourself from porn-thinking.

I'm gay -- by what you say, you don't really sound gay to me. It's possible you are bisexual which means you are attracted to both sexes and you are in some sort of inner turmoil to fight that. But whether you are bi or not, it doesn't matter if you have a woman you want to have sex or a relationship with--you simply make her your priority. Bisexual doesn't mean you have sex with everyone all the time. LOL. It just means you have more options. Anyway, I usually don't recommend this, but it sounds to me like you might want to meet with a therapist that deals with sexual issues. Your worrying about the size of your dick sounds like it's really holding you back. Your confidence is gone. You should want her to see you naked. I bet a good sex therapist can help you with this.

Good luck buddy. I think the reboot is going to help you, but I also think talking to someone about your sexual confidence might help a lot too.

PS: Dreams are a total mish mash of whatever. Don't put too much stock in them. You have no control over them anyway.