Dude's Journal - Kickin' the Habit for good

[Big Lebowski]

Hi, some of you may know me from over YBR (Yourbrainrebalanced) pretty much was active over there for a while, basically I go on good runs and when I slip, I slip.. it takes a while for me to get a good run, but I can do it, Ive had a few good shots at this, but I really want to leave it behind for good. Pmo causes so much hassle for me its unreal how much it has contributed to my depression, which I even think is the main sole reason im depressed and not to mention ED for about two to three years, mind you its a tiny bit better now.

I deleted my account and reinstated it at YBR, I shouldn't of really but to me even that site got a bit too compulsive spent like 30 odd fucking days on there in total (lol) so I am an expert with the knowledge to tackle this shit, I just need a good plan of action. At the moment im currently unemployed and I feel once I get back in employment I can tackle this seriously for the longterm, right now its just pure willpower and exercise etc.

I feel it will be good to have an account here, see how this forum goes.

Anyways, heres my journal which I last updated last Monday on YBR.
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Alright, after a week or so of relapsing and being stressed a bit I made a hasty decision to delete my account, which was a mistake as I realised I do need this forum for support etc. I think it all just got on top being on this journey for a year and half and still being at square one in one way. This time round I will not be spending to much time on this site as I did before as it took too much time and was running round in circles in mind a lot, I need to get away thinking about pmo to beat it in my own eyes.

In short - First started masturbating at 11, discovered porn around early 12-13
Lost alot of interest for stuff around 15-16, Started to frequently enjoy interent based things such as games etc
porn got out of hand at 17-18 for me, many symptoms of porn addiction as many report also some cortisol symptoms.
Been rebooting for since this year of February properly. My longest streak was 77 days and I noticed amazing unexplainable benefits.
I have Pied and I think I've had this for around 2 maybe 3 years.
I can last remember having a vivid normal boner over a maths teacher of mine. I was late 15 at the time.

I haven't cracked it as of yet why I still cant get to the decision of never watching porn again on a deep subconscious level, I cant stand what its done to me mentally. I only use it out of boredom, I also need to stop worrying about the counter about 'racking up days' etc, I know its not the way to go it's detrimental for me, I have took my no smoking counter off as I see no point as I'm 6 months away from smoking and never see me retuning back to it.

I really want this year to be the year to stop all this bollocks and move on for good, progressing in general and long term. Pmo'ing destroys my motivation and leaves, leaves me with memory loss I'd rather a full mental recovery than ED at this point.

I'll most probably update this journal once a week on Mondays, my day today will be consisting of searching for jobs, interview preparations for a job interview on wednesaday, I'll cook dinner and Ill go out for a jog/HIIT later on.

 

[somethingelse]

Dude, a lot of insight you gave man. I can relate to compulsive use of ybr, it was like man I quit fb months ago and ybr has become the new fb. In my experience, the Nation is far more welcoming than ybr ever felt. I am grateful for the ybr experience, especially the good folks from there. However, here there are guidelines that better guarantee a more serene environment. Ultimately for me, here, success feels more probable than at YBR.

You've achieved 77 days and deservedly experienced 'amazing unexplainable benefits'. You've done it before, so get back on your horse and ride it out.

My best wishes

 

[Big Lebowski]

Dude, a lot of insight you gave man. I can relate to compulsive use of ybr, it was like man I quit fb months ago and ybr has become the new fb. In my experience, the Nation is far more welcoming than ybr ever felt. I am grateful for the ybr experience, especially the good folks from there. However, here there are guidelines that better guarantee a more serene environment. Ultimately for me, here, success feels more probable than at YBR.

You've achieved 77 days and deservedly experienced 'amazing unexplainable benefits'. You've done it before, so get back on your horse and ride it out.

My best wishes

Thanks mate, and yea I can relate YBR was like the newspaper for me, it is a great website/tool and I have many men who has inspired etc on their, but some of the things I read on their makes me chunder, and I tend to agree with you. Thanks man, it felt like I was reborn - back from the abyss of a miserable existence if that makes sense? Thanks again!

Just a little update I'm definitely think i'm entering the flatline at this stage of recovery where I am at... again. Feel's like im rolling around with a mangina literally, I couldn't give a shit shows its working!

I should hear back from a job this week, and also I'm going to do MY CSCS revision next week I have a test to get my card that will enable me to work on a construction site, I cant fucking tell you guys how excited I am to be back in work, to feel like im something and not wasting no more fucking time in my house on the couch looking for jobs and pmo'ing out of stress, self loathing because I cant get one.. I'm really having no luck trying to get an entry level office job, so im going back to construction, ill hopefully have an apprenticeship by the end of this year that will be my career.

I haven't Exercised in 4 or 5 days, let myself go really. After my last relapse it felt like I drained all my motivation and it felt like a chore to go out y'know? well tonight im going for a jog then im going to do some HIIT, looking forward to it. I'm also joining a gym sometime this week and will go 4 maybe five days a week. I cant express how if stay the course on a clean reboot how hard I will work because I want to have a good image so I feel really good and not a useless skinny-fat fuck.

I also need to get money for a dermaroller and some creams for my skin as being a lazy bastard with no motivation, procastrination, playing video games and comfort eating my body got fat too quickly, and I have literally got stretchmarks every fucking where. It's literally a nightmare and this is another reason I relapse too because it makes me so depressed.

Anyway things look like their on the up, ill probably post back in the middle of the week.

 

[fcjl8]

Hi BigLebowski,

Glad to read you are back to work soon! That will be great for you.

It will be so good for you to get some exercise in when you can!!

really glad you are here at RN, really hoping and praying that things do indeed pick up for you!!

 

[iektop]

I hope everything works out for you man.

You said a few things I can relate to -especially depression from or after PMOing-. It's funny. How come one can keep doing something that feels rewarding at the moment but brings awful depression and lots of guilt and horrible feelings later?

It makes me want to bang my head agains the wall everytime I start thinking of all of these.

Best wishes and luck man!

 

[HowElse]

Haha YBoP brought me here and I can definitely agree with your experience. I quit fb as well because I wanted to live in the real world more and I feel like I was clawing for a new place to go.

I started my reboot right after I left my job, I was waiting for a great gig and it fell through and I probably don't need to tell you but unemployment is not a great place for a guy that's vulnerable to porn. I've been fighting a tough battle but between all the healthy stuff I've lumped into my life I think I'm taking two steps forward for every one back. Gym helps a ton, diet, friends, I try to hit up free events or just go for walks. I'll pick a store that's further from my house and go there just to have that extra little exercise and time spent "doing something". Just gotta stay one step ahead of it!

 

[Big Lebowski]

Thanks guys for your amazing support. Unfortunately I had a slip, I was doing so well and unfortunately went back to old habits which is definitely stress-trigger related. What caused the latest downfall was the fact that for the past 10 days I have been having amazing sleep, like knocked out sleep. Last night came around and my eyes were wide open till 1am I went a bed at 10:30pm, so I was really frustrated not only that the heating takes ages too cool down so I was hot and pissed off I suppose. In hindsight I should of got up and wondered downstairs or something, but I let stress overwhelm then the rest is history...

Well at least with this revelation though, this puts all the doubt behind for good. I am an addict. And too some that might sound strange or whatever as I have been on this journey for a year and half and should of known at the start of the journey, but when you go for so long and you relapse now and again, in my experience I lost that realisation that I was a porn addict. Just until recently deep down I was trying to lay it all out in my mind, am I an addict? am I an excessive masturbator? am I addicted to the orgasm? etc. But this recent realisation put it that I definitely am a Porn addict. It really hit me, it definitely is the novelty and finding that right picture/scene that does it for me.

Also the fact, that one relapse turned into another, then another, I relapsed three fucking times in 12 hours. It's not that I feel 'powerless' over it at all, It's just like a habit to kill the boredom or stress, and that exactly is what it is! For me. I remember when I used to smoke, which I wasn't addicted too unlike pmo, but I remember back in college one day on a break there was nothing to do, so I literally lit up one finished that, then lit another and another chain smoking like five cigarettes? I felt disgusted, it definitely is the same sought of process to pmo'ing in a way.

I need to just man up and realise again that yes I'm going to go withdrawals and yes its not going to be an easy ride, I just think being an occasional relapse made slow down seriously on recovery if I make sense? Although I generally fucking hate it when I cant sleep, so I need to find something or a method to help me.

Anyway, today is a new day and I shall be going to do a run tonight. I know I wont have the motivation to do it as when I relapse it all goes down the drain, funnily enough even though I did relapse today, it hasn't hit me at all. I feel mentally sharp still, went to college today for revision for my test next week for work. Usually I can't be bothered to type or even with the correct grammar after a relapse, you could probably even tell on my journal on YBR the difference in punctuation/grammar when im away from pmo lol.

Everything is still on the up, I haven't let this binge beat me and I wont, onwards and upwards aye? Thanks again for the support you guys are amazing. All the very best!

 

[fcjl8]

I am pretty sure you already know this... but, how about positive coping mechanisms or tools to help you when bored or feeling stress. Stress is my major trigger as well.

It is great as you wrote, that the binge is not going to get you down. You are a good man with a wonderful future ahead!

 

[Gabe Deem]

@Big Lebowski

Everything is still on the up, I haven't let this binge beat me and I wont, onwards and upwards aye?

That's what I am talking about... you already beat yourself on the relapse, literally, no need to do anymore! Great attitude man. Sorry to hear about the slip but your back on track and have gained more insight into your triggers and addiction. You got this. Keep truckin homie

 

[shake19]

Hi Big Lebowski,

Don't deliberate over your slip too much, it's not worth it. The most rational thing you can do is to stay strong now and not let yourself go back to the habit. As long as you stay out of PMO you are the winner, no matter how many bad times you have in your past. Present is now and by now you create your future and you want to have a brilliant future, aye? So forget about PMO and enjoy getting cleaner mind and organism everyday. As you already past 77 days you can do it again, I really believe you can do it! You have great attitude, it's good that you are able to confess to us and to yourself that you are addict. Now just leave it and go through the process to make yourself a real man, not an addict.

Keep your head up!