25 years old, its time to quit. No P and M, have girlfriend.

[zxcqwert]

Hello everyone! First of all English is my second language so every sentence might not be perfect, but I will try to make myself clear. I have decided to start this journal for my own sake, to keep track of my own process and help me avoid watching P and M. But if this journal will help someone else in struggle, that will of course bring me joy. If anyone experience the same things as me or have a question feel free to write!

Bakground
Im 25 years old I have M and watched P almost every day since i was 13 years old, the P might even have started a while before M, because i was curious and had internet access.

I first discover this when I stumbled across "The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow" on youtube. It was really an eyeopener for me, I had never thought P could cause this much damage, I had always thought P was OK because I always heard that M was natural and healthy for boys. I saw P as a part of M, not as two separate things

At first it tried to reduce porn to weekends, I could not do it.. and I realised i was addicted to it.. I could make it a (normal) day or maybe two if i was alone (my girlfriend and I dont live together), but after that i started to watch again.. So last Sunday I decided to stop watching P all together and completely stop M, only sex when me and my girlfriend are together. I have decided to put up "milestones", my first is a month.

The reason I want to do this is because the more I read the more I discover things in my behavior and in my past that might be P related. P and M is also a big part of my "free" time and I want to spend that time and energy on other things. Here is a list of things that I want to improve, that might be P related. Even if just some of them gets better i take this as a win.

• Better self-confidence: Sometimes I feel like im not worth enough, weird and strange. Like everything I do is wrong.
• Women as equals: I want to see them equal humans beings, not greater or worse than guys. I sometimes get nervous around really beautiful women.
• Stop thinking about every women I see in a sexual way: I guess watching P and M almost every day really screws up your sexuality and put it into "hyperdrive". 
• Normal relationships: When i talk to a friend that is a girl I almost always think of her in one sexual way or another (even though I only want to be friends with them). Im also ashamed to admit this but my biggest focus in my current relationship is about sex, even though I know my girlfriend is a really nice and beautiful person. My love to her should be on the main stage, not sex.
• The feeling of wanting to escape when I hold some conversations: This one is really big, sometimes I just want to escape and be alone when I talk to people one on one, sometimes even friends! Even though I want to be there and spend time with them.
• Calmer in crowds: Sometimes I feel really uncomfortable in big crowds.
• The bad feeling after sex: Sometimes I get a really bad feeling after O when I have sex (WTF is up with that? ), just like the feeling after O to some really weird porn.
• More energy in my daily life
• I almost immediately think of sex or P when i get bored, want to change that, change my focus to other things and experience a richer life
• More hobbies
• Improve my relationship with friends and social circle
  

 

[zxcqwert]

17/10 day 2
No big change, felt normal. I was busy the entire day at work and later that night I worked out and had some "duties" at home so i had no time to reflect.

18/10 day 3
Spent time with girlfriend, had sex, have not had an O since saturday, sex felt good. I usually PMO the night before i meet her.

19/10 day 4
I had the night "free" after work, BIG TROUBLE. On a night like this I usually PMO, had to use all my force not to do it. Its never a problem when I go out travelling with friends or really busy periods, then I can occupy my mind with other things and go a couple of days without PMO, but nights home, alone and "free" always lead to PMO. I really had to force change my thoughts and occupy myself so I didn't PMO. I actually found it fascinating, how my brain tried to convince me to look at P. "Just one last time, just a peak, just a picture etc". That day I really realised I was addicted to it for real.

20/10 day 5
Same problem as the day before, i had a a couple of hours free at the end of the night. It actually felt good moments when I was occupied with other things, dishes, showering, cleaning. The thing that dawned on me that day was when i realised i didnt want a release from an O, I just wanted to watch P (that would lead to M and O). I didnt even have an erection, I just wanted to see P so bad. I had a curiousity what new material would have been released since my last visit to the P sites, it was my biggest drive.. But i forced myself not to do it.

21/10 day 6
Strange day, I had a new found energy but at the same time i felt down. I felt empty, like something in my life is missing. I feel like another story i read on "yourbrainonporn":

"I would be lying if I said I do not still think about P or M or O.

I still do. P crosses my mind and some memories of the last P clip I saw. Sometimes, I feel as if something is missing in my life. It's kind of weird. Like I am kind of grieving a friend of mine that died. At part of me is saying, "Where is he? Where did he go? When is he coming back?""

But im also proud of myself, that I started this journey. During the day i felt very emotional, like i could explode any minute, almost cry (what is happening?). Maybe I was numb before and now I have started to wake up. That day was one of the strangest one so far, the days before i felt normal but with a strong urge to watch P. The urge to watch P was still there that day, but I was not "normal".

That night I went to visit my GF, I felt like i had lost my "mojo" and didn't feel that strong urge to go to bed with her, I almost felt empty inside. She asked me if something was wrong, but I said it was fine (haven't told her yet). Later that night we ended up having sex, it was good I guess and nice to have an O, but i felt empty inside somehow. I didn't feel bad or good.. just empty.

22/10 day 7
I was horny when i woke up with my girlfriend for a short moment, but it quickly went away. Im usually pretty horny in the mornings, and it doesnt go away that quickly.

Today im not anywhere close to tears, I just feel empty inside and sometimes angry.. On my way home today i visited some stores, i felt this kind of anger walking around in them, i guess it moodswings. Now its back to empty. Ill see how the rest of the day goes

The rest of the day was pretty nice actually, meet my girlfriend in the evening and we spent the night together. I had this kind of strange energy i usually don't have, I was actually happy for the rest of the day. It almost felt like i looked at her with different eyes in a really nice way. The sex was really great too.

23/10 day 8
I feel better today, this feeling of emptiness i have had the couple of days is not as strong today. But after my GF left my place this morning I really wanted to PMO, really bad! I knew it would be bad on sundays (I don't work weekends) because I usually PMO on sundays, especially now when the weather is bad and I want to stay inside. I also feel really restless today, but i guess that is a good sign, now i can spend my energy on finding something else to do. I decided to write this post so my focus can stay on the right course and I wont PMO. I noticed today that good mood can also be a problem, because today i feel like this: "I feel better today, I can PMO, it wont bring me down when im in a good mood". Its really funny how my brain is trying to get me to PMO haha, but i will resist it! Got plans this evening so I guess I just have to make it to the evening and I will be occupied and it will be easier.

One positive effect i have been experienced this weekend is that everyday things and chores don't seem so bad anymore. I wont lie and say I like them yet, haha. But they don't seem so bad as before, I usually hate for example to do the dishes but this weekend I didn't mind it as much as before. Maybe its because it keep me occupied, to be continued!

 

[zxcqwert]

24/10 day 9

Today has been a real struggle, I really want to PMO! I actually feel quite happy today, but I want to PMO so bad, but I will resist it. I also feel calmer than usual, feel like few thing can affect my mood. Especially other people, I havent felt nervous around other people and girls dont seem to affect me as much as they usually do. I actually feel great (expect that i want to PMO..). 

 

[zxcqwert]

25/10 day 10
Today i have both good and bad news about my reboot

The bad news is that this must be the hardest day so far, I really want to PMO. I keep getting these vivid flashbacks from P videos I have watched, some really hardcore disgusting P videos.. And the worst part is that I want to watch them so bad! I feel empty and depressed when I resist the urge. I keep changing my focus but these flashbacks keeps coming back and make me want to PMO!

On the other hand, I have experienced some good things today too. Other peoples ability to affect me and make me nervous have decreased a lot! Dont get me wrong, im used to meet new people at work and in private and I like it! But im usually a little bit nervous.. For example if im 20-30% nervous (slightly higher in group of unknown girls) when i meet new people and speak in big group, in now 5-10%! I almost dont give a fuck! and its awesome! I even spoke to a group of girls today (5 or 6) and it didnt affect me, i keept calm, spoke with a steady voice and got my message out clear and good. The entire group of girls keept their focus on me and all of them really responded on what I had to say! I felt like I was in the center of their attention the moment i walked in and started to speak! And a girl at the grocery store could not keep her eyes of me today when i was shopping, haha. I feel really great not caring what other people may or may not think about me! But my libido is also very very low, I almost havent thought about sex the entire day and women dont affect me like the usually do. I almost feel the same way when i look at a woman as if i was looking at a man.

I would describe my current situations like this: I feel like the outside world dont affect me as much as before and it feels great, but my inside world is at war with myself and its total chaos.

 

[zxcqwert]

28/10 day 13
Ill try to write a summary of the last couple of days. Two days ago I felt kind of empty with no libido. My girlfriend came to visit me in the evening but I felt no urge to have sex! That?s new for me.. It felt like I enjoyed her company but had no focus on sex, it was both good and bad. I loved that I enjoyed her company more but I want to feel the sexual vibe. I guess its part of the process. But we ended up having sex anyways, she initiated it and I was good I guess. But afterward I almost felt bad, like I was hungover, I felt empty and strange.

Yesterday I felt almost hungover and bad the entire day! Could I be from the O? I also feel more empty inside than any other day, I almost feel "dead" inside, haha really strange! I didn?t care about anything! Its both liberating and scary.

But something cool really happened. I have always had this social anxiety about going to the bathroom especially about nr 2. I usually go nr 2 on a toilet outside my department at work in a locker-room where there is less people (I know I know, its strange but I couldn?t go nr 2 on the toilet in our department, I just couldnt). But yesterday I didn?t give a fuck! and just did it at the toilet in my department. I know this sounds strange, but this is huge for me!

Today I actually feel better, I still don?t care but this "dead inside" feeling seems less intense today. And I don?t feel the P craving as I usually do! I still want to watch P, but my urge to do it seems less intense! Great progress! I also had an interview today about another job, I was soooo calm, I think that was one of the best interviews I have done. It was over the phone but it was still so good. I don?t know if the job is for me, but I could not have done the interview better in my opinion. IT FEELS AWESOME. I also went to my departments toilet today again and did nr 2. I feel so big today and unstoppable. I even had some bad news, but it did not bother me as much as it usually would do. I thought "that?s a shame" but still felt good. Great day, I almost feel "on top".

 

[zxcqwert]

30/10 day 15

Yesterday I went to a halloween party with some friends, it was great! I have started to connect with girls on a completely different level. I talked to some friends girlfriends that I have known for a while. I usually talk to them but yesterday was somehow different, we really connected and i enjoyed their company as much as my friends, its awesome! I have noticed that I have started to enjoy the company of girls more than before! And girls have started to give me more attention the last couple of days and they really respond to me in a different (positive) way. I felt calm the entire night, like i was "home" everywhere I was. Really awesome feeling! The Booze didnt affect me as i usual does! I felt so calm, good and had a lot of energy that i did not need the booze to boost me! I actually drank less because i felt I was already on top and didnt need the booze to make me more relaxed and "home". One last thing, my focus was better yesterday, when i talk to someone my focus stay in the conversation way better than before, instead of drifting way on other conversations in the room.

Today have been a really hard day. First time I have been hungover since I quit PMO. In the past i would PMO like crazy when i was hungover. Im also always horny when im hungover and my girlfriend is out of town for a couple of days, so that doesnt help. I want to PMO so bad today, almost felt the urge to "just do it" today and PMO. But i resisted the urge even though it was really hard! One thing i find help me a lot is this journal. When i feel the urge to PMO i always think of this journal, I change my focus to it and think about what im going to write about today, when im going to do it, the process, the good changes i have started to see and how proud i am of myself.

 

[brianreboot2017]

Hi,

Keep rememberin why you started this journey man. Remember how sh*t you've felt being a PMO-addict.
Why do it again ? Any positive effects ? None. Just feeling like crap.

So why relapsing ? Why relapsing if only better things are coming PMO-free ?

Such a shame you've a great journal and no-one replies. I'll keep an eye on your progress mate.

Good luck

 

[zxcqwert]

Hello Brian!

Thanks for the support! It feels great to have some response! This journey is actually really tough, harder than I had image. But so far I have resisted the urge and im proud of myself!

Best Regards

 

[zxcqwert]

Summary of the last days, i have been out traveling with work.

31/10 day 16
This day has been hell, but also very interesting. I went to another city through work and stayed there until day 18. The first part of the day was really tough, I was travelling by train for a couple of hours and boredom struct. My brain almost immediately wanted to start fantasizing about porn and sex and it was so hard to focus on other things. I was in a train with other people so i couldnt PMO even if i wanted to, but i could not keep my focus on other things, my brain just wanted to think of P and sex. I had this feeling that i was denying myself of something (in this case P) and my entire emotional being and body was craving it and i got really down when i "denied" myself this "pleasure". It just had my intelligence on my side, the rest of me was at war against myself.

The day was good, when I arrived at work I had a great time with my colleagues and I could focus on other things. I was really relaxed and meet other new people that i really hit it of with. I felt great those hours, my confidence is really good and my social skills are better than before! Great progress. We went out for dinner in the evening and had a beer.

But later when i returned to the hotelroom it begun again, I ALMOST PMO! I was so close, I almost grabbed my phone and looked at P. It felt so right at the moment I almost couldnt resist it. I have never been so close since i started. I had to force myself from not using and i felt so bad not doing it, all my emotions said go for it! I had to put all my faith in the process and trust my intellectual thoughts, because my emotions was against me like never before. But I resisted it.

1/11 day 17

I had the urge to PMO when i woke up, but I had to start the day so I could focus on other things. I was occupied the entire day until late at night, so i could keep my focus from PMO. I continued to be relaxed and great with my colleagues and they really seemed to like me. I was so relaxed, focused and spoke with easy, the words almost poured out of me with no resistance. I almost never have this ease with other people, i feel like im "home" wherever i go! I dont worry about external things as much i did before! I almost feel like i have some new set of power! feels awesome

2/11 day 18

Returned to my hometown, the train ride was not as bad as the other one. I sleept for a while, read and just relaxed. My GF came to me in the evening and it was great, the sex was awesome. It feel so much better now when i only O through sex, i was so horny and she loved it haha. It feels like the sex is way better now when i dont numb myself with porn.

3/11 day 19
This feeling that im denying myself something, has been around the last couple of days and it was worse this day again.. My emotional wants me to look at P, i keep getting these thoughts "once last time, if you look at it once in a while wont hurt, remember how much you liked it, etc". Before this week i felt like it was the right emotional and intelligent decision to stop PMO, but my body had this urge. This week I feel like my body and emotions are against me, I feel like its the wrong decision and "how am i going to give this up for the rest of my life when i "like" it so much?". I have to keep trusting my intelligent thoughts and put my faith 100% in that the future will be better, that these feelings are part of the process and they will fade with time. And in the long run this will be for the best and I will be happier with my life and myself.

Spend the night with my GF, was ok i guess! Sex was great!

4/11 day 20
I felt empty today and had the same feelings as the day before. But I noticed some interesting things, everyday activities seemed a little more enjoyable. I even made a big dinner for myself after work and i enjoyed cooking it. I usually dont enjoy cooking alone, it feel more like a chore. But last night i actually enjoyed it. I was alone and i really enjoyed my own company and doing something productive.

 

[zxcqwert]

9/11 day 25

My strong urge to PMO is not as bad this week like it was the last week, everything seem calmer now. But i wont lie, tonight i keep getting these thoughts to PMO, so i decided to write instead. I feel so calm this week, like im more in the moment and I feel pretty great. I feel like I notice more details now, colors almost seem clearer and details brighter. Talking to people also seems more natural to me, even new people. Its awesome that way. I dont care what other people think as much as before and that has made me waaaaay calmer. Some sentences just flow out of me, I have no problem keeping other peoples attention for long periods. I the past I usually talked way shorter sentences that i had gone over in my mind so i knew what to say. Now i feel more like a natural storyteller.

Now when i dont O every single day (or more times some days and periods) like im my past I feel like I have all this energy that i never had. Some days i feel like im about to burst and want to release everything in a O. It feel like i have to learn to "wield" this new form of energy and learn to contain in. It feel like it makes me a better man, but i also want to feel the rush of releasing it. I really have to practice to be comfortable with it. It feels like i got use to getting these rushes and excitement from never ending stimuli (P) and then feeling numb for a period and now im uncomfortable being on top all the time.

No P for me tonight! I will stay strong!

To be continued!

 

[zxcqwert]

30 f*king days!

I feel great, my first 30 days are done and I have completed my first milestone! I feel so much better the last couple of days, its amazing! Im so proud of myself! I will continue writing some other day, I just wanted to make this post today! My next milestone is 60 days. To be continued

 

[zxcqwert]

17/11 33 days

Like i wrote in my last post, im done with my first milestone and i have put up a new one, 60 days.

My girlfriend have been out traveling with her sister and now have the flu, so i havent had a O for 14 days! This i probably one of the longest period of time without an O since i was 13. I can only recall one time when i went without an O for a longer period of time, i was out travelling, but that period was also around two maybe two and a half week. It feel really strange but good in a sense. I dont know if the improvement i have seen the last weeks is because i havent had an O or because i havent watched P. Probably a little bit of both.

The last couple of days I have been super horny, but the great thing is i dont feel like watching P like i use to! In the past my mind switched beetween being horny for P and sex. But the last couple of days i have been horny but I dont feel that urge to watch P like i have the weeks before. I just want sex, so i feel waaaay more attraction to women and I LOVE IT, they are so much more beautiful than before. Not objectively more beautiful, but everything else about them, i almost feel like i have opened my eyes and finally see them, the complete package. Its kind of hard to describe.

the stranges thing happened this weekend, I was out walking in the woods, I have always enjoyed that. Suddenly I felt this feeling, this super positive feeling, i felt so great! Nothing special happened that day and i wasnt happy because something had happened. I was just generally happy about life and everything. One of the best ways i can describe this feeling is like this, i sometimes get this feeling when im drunk, my self confidence sky rocket, I feel so present and just enjoy life. I have almost never enjoyed that feeling stone cold sober and that have always bother me, but this weekend I felt it and it was great! I felt like I somehow woke up. My mood has been so good the last couple of days, i feel way more balanced the last couple of days. I dont feel constant rush of happiness, but im balanced! Im fine and good in my normal life and i havent had a "low" like I ususally have the last 1-2 weeks.

So now when I have completed my first 30 days i will make a list about things that have improved in my life:

• My self confidence is so much better, i feel so calm and the outside world doesnt affect me so much anymore
• My strange "bathroom anxiety" is way better! Some days i have no problem using the toilet around other people
• I feel much more present, i feel like im more "in the moment" than before. One day when i was riding the bus i noticed the sky like i never has before
• I feel much more interested in other people, in the past I usually didnt care so much about other peoples stories even tho i wanted to and that have always bothered me. I enjoy talking to friends in a completely different way! I helped a friend move a couple of days ago and we talked like never before
• The new attraction to women like i described earlier in this post. This makes women so much more interesting haha, I love it. Feel like im reclaiming my sexuality
• My relationship with my coworkers have never been better, probably because of the changes i have described above
• The feeling of wanting to escape conversations is way better, I actually started to enjoy most conversations like never before
• My conversationskills are so much better, i almost feel no restraint or that i have "come up with thing to say". Words flow out of me like never before and if i dont have anything to say i dont mind being quiet
• I have more energy
• My P crawing is so much easier to handle now. Its like my brain starting to figure out "ok its no idea to ask for P all the time, so i guess i have to focus on something else". I still have cravings for P but they are less intense 
• My P craving for hardcore P is starting to fade and it feel like im starting to return to normal. At least i dont think about that stuff in the same way as two weeks ago. I feel like i could watch it but i dont crave it like i have
  
  

 

[zxcqwert]

101 days! I feel like I have been reborn

Hello again! I  havent written anything for a while, because after my last post I went out travelling for over a month and when I got back my P crawing was so much lower than before. 
The first month I wrote so much because I felt like it helped me to keep my focus and stay strong. The second month the crawing was lower than the month before and I was out traveling so I had other things to occupy my mind.
 
When I got back from my trip around day 60-70 I noticed something amazing happened. I had almost stopped thinking about P, I wont lie, sometimes I still do and I feel the crawing coming back. But those moment are getting further and further apart, its like once or twice a week now compared to multiple times a day. I was even home a couple of days having a cold, bored out of my mind and I didn?t think of P at all! In the past I would watch P like crazy when I was still home and started to recover from the cold.  It feels so much easier now and like a huge weight has fallen of my shoulders. But like I said, sometimes I still get the urge to watch and sometimes it strikes me hard, so I still have to resist it. I will probably never be completely free, but I still feel like changed man.

FYI I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of our trip around day 60-70, I wont go into details but we could not make it work. But I still didn?t return to P, I felt like watching it but I resisted. I started this journey for my own sake and I will continue it. But I have started to M once a week if I don?t have sex, it feels good and I enjoy it and at this point I don?t feel like it will lead me back to P.   

I honestly think stop watching P is one of the best decisions I have ever done,  my life quality over all is so much better. I really feel like a new person, my mood is better, my mind clearer, im more at ease, I got way more energy and time for other activities,  my confidence is better, I feel more present and this bad feeling after O is way better (I guess feeling disgusted after watching porn so often made that feeling come after sex too, but now when I don?t watch P it has started to go away).

One thing I want to talk more about is my relationship with women has improved a lot.  My relationship with women over all are so much better, I have even started to develop friendships with women at work that I didn?t have before, even though we have worked together many years. Im much more comfortable around women now and enjoy their company on a completely different level. In the past I had some female friends but the majority of my friends were male .
 
My interest in women has also skyrocketed, my attraction to women is so much higher now, its crazy.. I have always had high superficial standards in women and I am starting to think that it was because of the P.. It feels logical, if you watch naked superhot women everyday every week its not strange that "normal" women bore you. Its not like im attracted to every women I meet, im still attracted to the same type of women than before. But im SO much more attracted to them now, its crazy and the sex is so much better now, its amazing, im so turned on! It feel so good! And the girls seem to love it!

I also starting to believe that women are more attracted to me now, I really cant put my finger on why but I feel like women are looking at me like never before. In the stores and out in the world I constantly notice girls looking at me. I don?t think its strange because I believe I look good, but it has never been like this before. It might be that I just notice it more now, but it really feels like they are paying more attention to me now. 

One think I have been thinking about is how my view on sex has started to change, in the past when I was looking at P I took the part of a spectator and sometimes even had that roll when I fantasied about sex. Not that I would image someone else having sex with the person I was fantasying about, but I was still some kind of spectator. Especially when I was fantasying about hot girl from P, even though I was the one fantasying about the girl from the P I wasn?t the one "having sex" with them. It feels really weird the more I think about it, that cant be right for a healthy sex life or confidence. 

I feel this road has also made me rethink other aspects of my life, if I was so affected by P and didn?t realise it what else could have this effect. I really want a good everyday life and be happy about ordinary thing like work, friends, girls, when I work out etc. So the things in my life I have also start to rethink is:

Read/watching the news: I think this really affect me negative, I see this horrible things happening all over the world and in my country BUT most of them I cant affect (not in any significant way anyway). I don?t want my world to be filled with stories about murders, rape, war and other horrible things every day. I think there is other ways to educate yourself before you vote for elections, like statistics and yearly trends. I don?t need to follow every individual case about rape/murder, that only hurt me and turn my world darker.

Facebook: Same as above, facebook feel more and more like a newfeed. 

Constantly looking at instagram, snapchat, humorsites etc: I don?t want to keep "escaping" reality and constantly be stimulated. I think its important to be bored sometimes.

Always watching TV or playing computer games when im home and bored: Same as above.

The great thing about these thoughts is that they don?t feel forced, they feel like some kind of natural step in the process. When I started this journey I read about people who picked up all kind of new hobbies and really changed their life after stop watching P. At the beginning I didn?t understand them and felt like "why doesn?t I feel like that?". But that has somewhat changed, now when I feel better I feel like I want to and have more energy to improve other parts of my life. It feels like I have started to wake up and now I see the world with my own eyes.

That?s all I have for now.

 

[klm5000]

Hi man, congratulations! That is a great story, full of inspiration. Thank you for that. And do keep this up! regards