An aspiration for developing intimacy and empathy - a reboot

[blurgh]

So I don't feel very good right now because I continually struggle with my porn addiction but I thought it best to start in a crappy mood because things can only move forward from here. I spend much of last night masturbating and generally not enjoying it and yet refusing to stop. It's very confusing and disheartening and now my head hurts and I feel irritated and exhausted.

Anyhow, I am 48 and addicted to porn for my adult life. I am probably good for masturbating to online porn every 3-5 days.
Sometimes to feel better, sometimes because I am bored, sometimes to pass the time, sometimes because I realize I am alone and have an opportunity, sometimes because I'm anxious or stressed, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

I'll start with a short list of aspirations

- Not feel guilt or shame for having this hidden aspect to my life. I clearly see it as a problem because I do such a good job of hiding it from others (at least in an explicit sense).

- Feeling good about myself and what I am bringing the those around me.

- Having a greater sense of intimacy and empathy with those around me, those I am connected with.

I'll leave it at that for now. Oh except for my commitment to rebooting.

I am making the commitment to no online porn and no masturbating for 3 months, that will get me to 24 January. I also will make the commitment to check in with this forum each day.

Thanks for all of you being here and being support. Hopefully, I'll be a support as well.

Alright. That it's for now.

 

[blurgh]

So a new day. Day 1 complete.
I feel better. Not great, but better. My head feels pretty muddled right now. Coffee is on the way.
The house looks much the same way I feel. So I think a good project for this evening (after work) is to clean up around here. Especially my room, kitchen and living room. But more than that I would like to set things up so that they encourage some of the activities I'd like to be doing. Like yoga, gi gong, meditation, reading, art projects, electronic projects, writing, and small acreage design study. Not all sure what that would look like but even to think about how that all might look like should keep me busy and focused on things which have some meaning for me.

All right, I feel a little better and more focused already.
I'll keep it here for the moment. Work is a calling.
Take care all.
May each day be easier and more productive than the last for every one of you.
 

 

[blurgh]

Day 2 complete.

Truthfully, yesterday I felt fairly terrible yesterday. This may not be a bad thing in the sense that I was processing how I feel about myself as a porn addict and what that looks like. I just seemed miserable, small, ineffectual, and boring. But my evening was better.

Yesterday, I mentioned a need and desire to clean up some spaces in my house and even more than that, think about not just about cleaning and organizing but considering what I would a space look like which encouraged my interests. I made some headway. I did straighten up the the kitchen and living room. I did organize part of the room so it would better function for playing with some electronics. I then did play with the electronics, learned a little bit and figured a few things out. I've been spending a little time each morning meditating and along with that reconnecting with my personal aspirations and values. So some positive steps.

I also have put on a web filter onto my computer. So far I have set it up with knowing the admin password because I am making sure I don't disconnect myself from things I do want access to. It has worked out so far. There have been a few tweaks and I am nearly ready to make it tighter by giving a more difficult password and email recovery.

Today, though, I do feel perhaps better than yesterday but anxious. Just a deep pit in my stomach. But at least the headache is nearly gone. I would like to continue thinking about positive activities I can do to help me through this process. In addition to the meditation and electronics, I have been reading a book on addiction and recovery. I would also like to do some simple qi gong or maybe tai chi.

Anyhow, that is all for today.
May all of you find comfort and contentment today and in the future.

 

[blurgh]

Day 3 of reboot

I feel good on this day. The best day since rebooting. Since the others were kind of terrible the bar was admittedly low but regardless of that, I do feel pretty good. One thing that was nice was that last evening I didn't just feel tired or try to solve my end of day tiredness through a beer or two. Actually what I did was I got a blood pressure/heart rate monitor for home use. It was something that I really didn't have the money for at this moment but I was curious about the impact thinking about and dealing with porn has on my pulse rate and blood pressure. I don't necessarily mean this in a good or bad way but just as a means of seeing its effects in some sort of abstract measurable way. It's just the investigator in me I think. In any event, I always feel so helpless when I have urges to view porn and even where I can manage them to some degree I don't really come up with anything better to do. So I imagining that this can be part of those things that give me something to do that feels productive and I find entertaining, which from a certain point of view, I think, is part of the charm of porn only I won't be feeling so ethically challenged and miserable afterwards.

Today, I look forward to continuing to keep connected to what is going on inside me through certain books and with meditation. I do need to include a little more physical activity, however. I did take a 40 minute walk in a forest yesterday so that is something. Still, that is something I would like to work on that will feel good and productive.

May all of your days be met with kindness and caring.

 

[blurgh]

Day Four of reboot.

Except for a small headache, I feel pretty good. I have been getting some light exercise in these past few days so I am sure that has helped. Also kept up with reading. One thing I read that seemed useful was the statement that an addict is not referring to a bad person trying to become good but an ill person trying to become well. This reminds me that even with common things such as the early stages of being sick I often get confused and think things like 'I am feeling bad, something is wrong with my life' instead of 'I am ill, I would like to be well.'

Well, so I am entering that window that I typically PMO. It has pretty consistently been on a 3-5 day window for many months now. I was having a beer last night with friends and I caught myself having an interesting experience at one moment. I was talking to one of my friends, a woman, and while she talked I imagined myself just kissing her, which I thought at the time was both distracting and funny. Now, my friend is attractive, amazing, smart, capable, etc. but she is a friend. The experience seemed mechanical not because I had some sort of feelings for her beyond friendship.

Upon thinking about it, it seems to me that it very much was a learned behavior from having viewed so much porn. There you teach yourself through repetitive actions to view images of attractive women as objects for PMO. Over and over again. So from that point of view it makes perfect sense that my brain would confuse what I was looking at (my attractive, female friend) with an image (or video) of an attractive, female women I am masturbating to. From my side, it is definitely true that I seek out images and video of women who, while I am physically attracted to, are also stand ins for this perfect mate who is also beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, warm, etc.

The other thing which seems to happen after such an experience (this wasn't the first time this has happened) was that I also end up being aware of the fact that I don't have such a perfect mate (or any mate) and then I PMO as a way of having some tiny reflection of a mate. Why not? I say. And if I have had some to drink then well, that will make PMO more likely.

Last night, much of this did happen but again, I found the experience funny. I was able to see what was happening. This is just an aspect of me being unwell. That I am addicted to porn. It's not a statement on how I feel about another person or  any sort of value judgement upon myself. The fact is, I probably don't have much capability to even know whether someone is interested in me or even whether I am interested in them as my mind is so addled with the images and videos I have used to teach it how to respond to women I find attractive. So, another good reason to leave off the porn.

Anyhow, that is all for today. Work, work, work.
May all of you spend your day free of anxiety and fear.
Take care

 

[blurgh]

Day 5 of reboot.
Well, we are definitely in that part of the forest full of rascals and demons. I started seeing and feeling the signs yesterday afternoon. I was feeling a strange mix of tired and anxiety. I need to find a solution. PMO would be great for that, I'm thinking. I took a nap instead which helped. The evening was fine as was the first part of the night. But I woke in the early morning hours, tossing and turning. This would have also been a good time to PMO. But I didn't. The strength of the commitment I made to you all and myself held. But as I said, demons and rascals flitted all around me.

So today marks also the entrance to areas not well known. I may still be within the a difficulty section of the forest or I may be free of it for a time. I'll have to keep myself aware and ready. For awhile now, I have PMO'd most certainly within 5 days. It's possible I have gone 6 days but I am not sure. Even so, I have not been passed 10 days in probably 2 years.
 
Today I feel good though. I am passing through this window well so far. I didn't meditate yesterday but I did have a nice afternoon walk with my daughter and our dog. One thing that I need to reign in is that I am compensating for no PMO through buying books. Certainly a more acceptable option but more expensive for me. And as I said, it feels like I'm compensating which just reinforces in my mind that I have unmet desires going on. No PMO helps of course and is a critical step but is not the goal. The goal is greater intimacy and empathy.

Take care

But treacherous waters still lay ahead. Even, perhaps, tonight.

 

[balanced]

Stay strong...be resolved to be in control of your thoughts, decisions and actions. The more you make the right decision, the easier it gets.

 

[getagrip]

You sound very self-aware and have developed a great set of tactics for substitute activities. I have a feeling you'll have great success!

 

[jjacks]

Excellent journal, great observations. You have a clear focus on the goal and will make it.

 

[Anothertry]

Great to read your journal!  Think it's particularly great  to see you reflecting on the emotions that lead to PMO and what substitutes there could be.  Exercise, connecting with others, meditating and doing something kind can all help I think.

And just keeping the mentality that there is always a choice.  If I take a few deep breaths and think - there is always something.  Even if that is leaving the house and walking 5 miles to work at 4 a.m.  Well, I got an early start, and could leave early!

If I can keep that mentality, I always find a way through!

Wishing you all the best,

AT.

 

[blurgh]

Day 6 of Reboot.

Yesterday was just a standard day which in this context is good. Got some things done around the house. Was on the road a bit driving. Been happy that I have been keeping up with my short meditation sessions each morning. I didn't walk yesterday but I was outside a lot so that is something. My sleep was interesting again last night but in a different way. I kept waking up and because of these partially remembered many dreams. Although they all were different they had a similar dynamic. In each I was having conversations, relationships, etc with a woman. Generally someone I already knew. The conversations were not so important (at least I can't remember them anyhow) but I remember feeling drawn to them in a sort of romantic or intimate way. Not sure I mean this in a sexual way but possibly.

Given that, the way the conversations went there was this high degree of familiarity and intimacy between us. Not really sure what to make of it but regardless it did awaken this sense of wanting something like that. That is, that sort of intimate relationship which then leads me to feel that I don't have that. Which leads me to consider viewing porn because (a) it passes time and (b) stops me from having to feel the lack of intimacy in my life and (c) allows me to pretend I have the intimacy I am seeking. Which is likely what I would have done outside this reboot process. It's helpful to have this reminder that not only are theses porn experiences not about intimacy but they are about separation. They begin with separation and create even more separation. So it is the opposite of my intentions.

By the way, thanks for the comments over the last day or so. It is helpful to have others chime in. I have realized that from a certain point of view I have a fairly good capacity for connecting to how I feel and what is going on and yet, by itself, has not helped me distance myself from PMO. The addiction cycle is strong and it cares little for how observant I am sometimes. But I do notice that in this context of this journal and the support of all of you on this forum it becomes a very helpful tool indeed. I feel in fact that one of the things this reboot process is good at is creating just a little distance between our addictions and our acting on our addictions so we have this chance - this choice - to explore, or investigate or do something else or breathe or whatever. Just something else.

Take care
May you all enjoy an amazing day today.

 

[Anothertry]

I share your experience with dreams...

I find they tend to occur after about a week PMO free for me.  I think they are a helpful reminder of what I really want and need.

P can cover over the pain of loneliness.  I think, at the deepest level, feeling lonely and broken-hearted is why I am struggling with this thing.

But in the long run, sitting alone in a room compulsively viewing very non-intimate images, feeling shame and being unable to answer a casual enquiry of how you are doing from a friend honestly ('Terrible, because I had 2 hours sleep last night and spent six hours M'ing - how about you?' is a bit of a conversation stopper) only exacerbates loneliness.

Wish you all the best in breaking free of this!

AT.

 

[blurgh]

Day 7 of reboot

Anothertry,
Thanks for this. All that you said, I could have said, only you said it better. It's hard when you give up this crutch only to immediately be confronted by the reasons you take up this crutch in the first place, namely, loneliness, isolation, lack of intimacy, real connection. It's awful. I referenced this before but there has to be some kind of refuge to rely on to help one through confronting all this suffering. That is why I find this forum so valuable. Not only the people here that have gone through this or are going through this but their encouragement. But also the lessons learned here. Not to beat yourself up and to keep trying. To have an intention that is meaningful.

One of the hardest things for me is that I want this refuge to be like porn. That is just give me what I want and make me feel better. No lessons please! I don't want courage or strength I just want enjoyment and pleasure. But that would just be porn really. I say I want intimacy and empathy but those are not enjoyment and pleasure (which isn't me saying saying there is no enjoyment and pleasure in intimacy and empathy!)

For instance, last night my sleep was terrible. Tossed and turned all night. I did have dreams but I don't think they were relevant to PMO. But the tossing and turning was. I thought about porn all night. But not so much about engaging in porn but thinking this is where I would just give up and pass the time with porn. I am already not sleeping. I am too tired to read. But no PMO. Well, a little anxiety that I might anyhow but I felt in a way there was a protective bubble around me. I don't mean this literally or magically I just mean there was a little space between being aware of this opportunity to engage in porn and myself. A cushion filled with this forum, this journal, other actions I'm doing to take care of myself and my intentions. So I continued to try to sleep which eventually came to some degree but not without a lot of struggle. But that is a little of the point. The struggle. With porn there is the hope that you can have all this without struggle. And we find that even there it isn't true but it always comes with this promise of enjoyment and pleasure even if it cannot fulfill it.

Whereas our intentions come with no such promise. They tend to present a route that leads through the difficulties. The fruition being on the other side as it were.

Anyhow, enough of all that. I'm dangerously close to moving into enlightened philosopher mode. It's the green switch next to the orange switch on the gaming console. Works with all games even games from the eighties.

Take care

 

[blurgh]

Day 8 of Reboot.

Yesterday was difficult. Not painful but just challenging. I felt out of it for much of the day. Part of this was definitely due to poor sleep recently. Last night's sleep was better. But overall, I think I am just having anxiety over this reboot. Not about rebooting but that I feel like I am afraid of slipping up. I don't wan't to fail. This causes me anxiety which is itself something of a trigger for me. Given that, I haven't felt much of a pull to engage with PMO. As I've said before, I certainly notice those times where I generally would PMO and I wonder a little bit if I will this time but regardless of all that, I mostly am just aware of the places where I go to hide from the world, so to speak. Not with any shame or guilt. Just an acknowledgement. Given that, I understand that I have an addiction so I get a little anxious at these moments that I might engage with PMO.

Generally I am feeling encouraged. These past several days included numerous moments where I would likely have engaged in PMO in the past and I was able to choose not to. For this I am cautiously optimistic. 

Take care

 

[blurgh]

Reboot - Day 9
This morning I wake up after having slept throughout the night with little trouble. Best night in days. Yesterday I was having thoughts of a life of intimacy and empathy. I didn't have anything specific in mind as I thought this just the sense of it being possible and welcome. I didn't go too far with it as I didn't want to trip myself up and start thinking I have this beat. That is always a good indicator I am about to get too relaxed and indulge in porn. Or perhaps I think such thoughts and then get frustrated that intimacy and empathy are not coming soon enough and this is also a good indicator I will shortly indulge in porn. The other thing was that last night I had the first sense of desiring porn. It wasn't super strong but it was there. It helps to have my commitment to this forum and intentions. Up till now I might have done it out of boredom or being alone but here is was more like a longing. Given all that, I did as I mentioned, sleep reasonably well. On to the next day.

I think I'll end this here for now.
Blurgh

 

[blurgh]

Day 10 of reboot

Hey Day 10! Someone open the champagne! This feels like a big deal! Well, it is. After all, I am fairly certain that it has literally been years since I went into double digits without engaging with online porn. It feels like a minor miracle.

Having said all that, I could easily have PMO'd during these past 24 hours. I felt pretty good actually but I think because it had been awhile since PMO'ing and because I was a little restless, it could have happened. Also, I had drinks with friends and that was a lot of fun but it also is a mild trigger. But I had a certain amount of confidence in my commitments and intentions. I may not know exactly what intimacy and empathy feel like in a moment to moment basis but I know that is what I seek. Besides, I just remind myself of how I felt ten days ago (and lots of days before that!) and that helps my resolve.

So on to the next day (that is this day).
Blurgh

 

[getagrip]

You seem to be very self-aware. I think that's step #1 that a lot of us never get to.

I can relate to your vague ideas of a real relationship with "intimacy and empathy", as you put it. My therapist, whom I see specifically for porn addiction, has me reading some books on intimacy and relationships. They give me an idea of what a good relationship is and I realize that although I have been married and divorced twice, with various girlfriends in between marriages, I've never experienced the levels of intimacy that are described in the book I'm reading now, which is "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly. He talks about intimacy beginning when we reveal ourselves to someone and that persons reveals themselves to us. Plus a lot more powerful ideas. I think this kind of reading is healthy and helpful to me because it is the exact opposite of porn: talking about real relationships with real partners, not objectified digital representations of women (and men).

Keep up the great work!

 

[Oneway]

Hi Blurgh,

Congratulations on getting past 10 days!

In my experience there will be easy days in the near future for you but also very difficult days. Since starting my journal here on RN I have reached a bit over 20 days two times just to fail. The intense cravings took me by surprise and I gave in. 3rd time around I hope to have learned something and being better prepared. Maybe installing a porn filter wouldn't be a bad idea (if you don't already have one) to support the will-power at least in the beginning of the journey.

All the best and lets keep going.

 

[blurgh]

So I am here at Day 11. So that is cause for celebration for me.  I want to take a moment to honor this with a renewal of commitment to my intentions. I've spent so much of my time operating from the place of porn. Whatever perceived value I imagine I am receiving or gaining I always end up feeling like I am waking up in a gutter. I end up hating myself, shaming myself, feeling a deep frustration about my actions. And then to do it all over again and again and again just to feel all of the above but a great helplessness and weakness regarding my ability to choose the life I wish. It has controlled me. No amount of cleverness on my part changes this. But I have gone eleven days now with the help and support of this forum, my commitments and intention and various other activities. I say this with deep gratitude.

I wish for intimacy
I wish for empathy
I will not get this through PMO.
It does and creates the exact opposite condition.
So I redouble my efforts to maintain this reboot
So I may live the life I want to live
And not a life dictated to.
I have had this little 11 day window into a different future
and although it has been difficult at times
It has also given me a glimpse of a life without porn.
So I celebrate that
and at the same time
choose not to relax
and in fact redouble my efforts
to protect myself from this addictive cycle.
And hold myself accountable.
In this way, I have the aspiration
to live a life of intimacy and empathy.

Thanks
Blurgh

 

[getagrip]

Amazing attitude! Keep this mental frame of mind and you will defeat this demon for sure!