Sometimes, because of this, I feel unlovable...can anyone else relate?

[Questions]

(Girl here, fyi)

Sometimes, when I think about the things I've watched, it makes me feel horrible about myself.
Im a straight female, and I've watched girl/girl, guy/guy, and girl/guy porn, and I just wish I'd never found porn in the first place at the age of ten...It makes me feel gross after im done watching(never masturbated to it before, go figure...) because I dont like girls(only started watching lesbian porn because it looked more gentle than the straight stuff), the guy/guy scenes look like they hurt... alot, and the majority of straight porn is just down right violent and abusive towards women.

I feel like if anyone were to know what I've seen and what I'm going through, they'd think I'm a pervert and wont love me anymore...it terrifies me... There are days when I hate myself because of this, and I'm having one of those days.

I wanna forget the things I've seen...but I know it will never ever happen...

Anyone else feel the same? Feel free to vent here!!

 

[Bibbity]

Girl here too

I can relate!  I was in a sexless marriage and one day on another forum some of the ladies were talking about how they watched porn.  One lady posted a video and thats when I started to watch.  I didn't watch frequently (maybe a few times a month) but I wish I never did.  I think I was trying to get the intimacy I was craving from my marriage in a destructive way.  I agree with everything you've said about abuse and violence in porn.  I could never watch that stuff but enjoyed the "romantic" stuff.  When we started going through my husbands reboot I confessed about watching and I felt so much shame because I am not pro porn!  I was just so confused at the time I think.  Of course he forgave me.  Love really is about accepting someone for who they are, not just the good but the dark parts too.  We ALL have dark parts, it's what makes us human.

You made some bad choices but you are not your choices.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Questions

Sometimes, when I think about the things I've watched, it makes me feel horrible about myself.

I never had much shame around my porn use while using... However, as I escalated into some very, very abusive and degrading porn, I would sometimes question who I had become and ask myself WHY I just watched what I watched. It saddens my heart to think about some of the stuff I got of too, but I can't change that... I can only use that experience and learn from it, then take the lesson I learned and share it with other young people in hopes that they will avoid going down the same desensitizing path of porn use.

I completely understand how you feel. I have cried buckets of tears, especially during my reboot, thinking about all the hearts I have broken in my life by being a selfish lover and prideful boy, as well as thinking about the back stories to all the people in the videos I had watched over the years. It may be true that some of those images will forever be in my memory, but again, I can only take what originally hurt me, and turn it into something to help others. I hope you can do the same with your experience and story.

I feel like if anyone were to know what I've seen and what I'm going through, they'd think I'm a pervert and wont love me anymore

There is a whole community here that understands what you are saying, but an entire generation has seen the things you are talking about. I mean, a lot of mainstream porn is extremely degrading, and some of the abusive, humiliating videos I watched had millions and millions of views. You are not alone on this feeling trust me, but you are also not even CLOSE to being in a minority of people who have watched such things. You are not a pervert... you are a human who naturally has curiosity and simply had access to unlimited videos to explore. No human is perfect.

I do not hate you for what you have seen... I like you for being strong enough to be honest with how you feel and honest with what you have experienced. Your post will help many others who can relate and who will now know they are not alone.

We're all here for you... Keep your head up... and use what you have experienced to help others. Much love and hope the best for you

 

[fnatk]

I feel like if anyone were to know what I've seen and what I'm going through, they'd think I'm a pervert and wont love me anymore...it terrifies me... There are days when I hate myself because of this, and I'm having one of those days.

Hey there Questions! This is a feeling I've had a lot as well, I looked at all kinds of things I didn't think I'd ever watch, Gay porn for example even if I'm 99% sure I'm straight, but there are other things I'm even more ashamed of watching... and that feeling that if someone found out they wouldn't be able to love me or they would be disgusted by me; its scary! And having a day where you hate yourself for your past actions, well I think we've all been there. Its normal even for us porn addicts I think.

But you aren't your past, you are the person who's living and breathing RIGHT NOW. Whatever type of porn you may have watched in the past doesn't matter anymore. You've decided to stop watching porn, you've changed who you are.

I've felt like no "normal" girl could ever love me after the things I've watched (And done!) but I'm starting to come to terms that my porn addiction changed me, without a doubt. That's why I'm doing this reboot now, I want to change from the person porn made me; into the person I want to be. You can too! I think by giving up porn and coming here to talk about how you feel, how this addiction has affected you... well to me its already a clear sign that you are changing.

No sane man will like you even 0,001% less because of who you were in the past.

 

[Madaemosewa]

Determination to quit is necessary. I recommend checking out Supersonic's success story. http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=282.0
It has helped me. Just so long as you see the damage. Just so long as relapse is fearful. And  you apply the rules. Rebooting will hopefully go well. Just remember, NO JUSTIFICATIONS.

 

[Mart71]

Yeah, I used to feel I don't deserve to feel loved, because I was a pathetic wanker. It was not so much about what I watched, but just the fact I'd rather prefer jacking off to porn than to try and find a real girl.

Btw my girlfriend watches porn (hentai). She doesn't show it to me, but apparently it is rather hard stuff. I love her nevertheless, I don't see it as a flaw of her character. I just tell her, that porn can seriously mess with your brain and that I stopped using because of it.

 

[Questions]

Thank you guys, Im feeling a lot better about myself today, compared to when I wrote that...it just feels like im carrying some sort of gross secret...Im the sweet innocent girl who blushes when people talk about sex(although at the same time, I'm very interested...)this doesn't fit my character at all  :-\

 

[Promise]

I know EXACTLY what you're going through, Questions.  I even made a very similar post to my journal the other day.  Like many people have mentioned in this thread, I wonder how anyone could ever love me knowing what I've done, and like you say, carrying a secret.  A lot of people have posted some very good advice in this thread.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about this quandary, and I wrote down my feelings, and how I intend to proceed with my life.  Perhaps what I wrote in my journal, and my train of thought will help you?

Like many accounts on here, my P usage started fairly innocuously, but gradually escalated.  Every time it did, I'd feel guilty about the things I was looking at, then after a while it would fade and I'd be de-sensitised until I was looking at all sorts of weird and deviant things.  I feel guilty about the things I've seen sometimes, about how I allowed myself to derive 'pleasure' from degrading material.  Sometimes I get paranoid that people will find out what I've done in private and be disgusted with me, which often fuels my anxiety.

Like I mentioned in my first post, a fair bit of my paranoia and anxiety are caused by what people would think of me if they saw some of the things I looked at during the height of my addiction.  I won't describe them, lest it acts as a trigger for anyone, but some of it could be quite unpleasant.

This is basically how the conversation with myself went: The things I saw and looked at were part of my quest for endless novelty, things I hadn't seen before.  These are things that when I consider now repulse and do not arouse me.  They are not a part of my natural sexual make up or my sexuality at large.  I know this, as I've seen many many accounts by other addicts about how their quest for novelty took them down paths that made them uncomfortable, things they had no natural propensity toward, and after recovering never thought of again.  This was all part of an addiction, making me act and feel out of character, and although these weren't nice things, and I knew it, I was in the throngs of an addiction.  I needn't feel guilty about them.  The healthiest thing to do is accept my actions for what they were and move on.  Work hard on my recovery to make sure they never happen again.

Recovery isn't about looking back at your mistakes, it's about looking forward.  And remember you're definitely NOT ALONE.

 

[HumbleRich]

The only person who knows that I have a porn problem is my partner, and the only thing I tell her is when I have started a reboot and how long it has been.  At least, I told her that it had been two days (three days now) yesterday, so this quite literally will be it.  I'm not going to let her down.  She and I are long distance at the moment, but she is going to move in with me in December.  I plan to have four months worth of recovery when she arrives.  But, back to this topic.  First if all, no one else knows and they don't need to know.  I understand your feelings and empathize, but like the poster above said, focus on the future.  Like I said, the only thing I plan on telling Jenn is how long it has been since I acted out.  She doesn't want to know the content if the porn I watch and I don't want to tell her.  As far as the sexual component of our relationship goes, I base it off of listening to her and reciprocity, basically.  I have started to initiate conversations with her about what she likes in the bedroom and she has been responding, but it takes patience.  Before I never really cared what she wanted.  But now that I am focused on recovery, I have started to share the focus when it comes to our relationship.  I think that is the best way to deal with relationships in this regard.  Just talk to your partner.  Don't talk about what you have viewed.  Ask him or her what he or she likes.  Make it about them. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Without going into the details here, starting a new relationship led me to have to confront my PIED and for once in my life, I was actually honest with myself and my new "friend."  No, I didn't drag her through all the gory details, but I admitted that PMO was a big part of my life and the root of my problem in a physical relationship.  This was just a couple of weeks after we met.

She then surprised me by admitting that she had a similar relationship with her vibrator that I had to my laptop.  We have since been working on our issues together.  And I am very glad that we are.

I do not think less of her because of what she did before we met and I hope she feels the same about me.

I consider our relationship to be one of the best I have ever had.  She has since put her toys in a storage closet and I started my counter as of the night we tried and failed to have our first intimate encounter.  Being open and honest with each other has been one of the great features of our relationship.

But don't think I only care for her because my behavior was "worse."  She is an amazing person who at one time was in a difficult circumstance.  And even though I still feel that I don't deserve it (partially because of my past acting out and addiction) she keeps telling me I am an amazing person as well.

Don't worry, Question, you will be fully accepted for the amazing person that you are, many, many times by many different people for many different reasons.

Peace and Stay Strong!