Getting back into life

[BuddhaAwake]

Today is only day 6 for me (the tracker app isn't taking new counters for some reason), but I am seeing some results. I haven't really had significant withdrawal symptoms (do these start later in the process?). I feel more love and affection for my wife. Last night I gave her an hour-long, non-sexual massage, and have been caressing her-something I hadn't done in many months.

I have reduced my Internet videogame Gin Rummy playing so as to not flood dopamine with videogame playing. I now relax when I am playing and only play 3-4 games instead of playing for hours when I wanted to stop.

Also, this morning I attended a Buddhist meditation group for the first time in years. I am retired and have not had much socializing in years. It felt good to get back into the world and meet new people with a common interest!

I'm taking it one day at a time. I know not to be cocky just because I haven't had strong withdrawal symptoms yet.

 

[willtochange]

Sounds great man, keep up the good work

 

[getagrip]

Excellent progress... very inspiring to the rest of us!

 

[Anothertry]

Great to hear!

My own experience is that positive results can come very quickly and it sounds like you have experienced this.  Fantastic!

However, I think it is beneficial for all addicts to consider the sage words of Buddhist songwriter Leonard Cohen.  He once wrote 'I don't trust my inner feelings/inner feelings come and go'.

This probably will get hard at some time.  There will be times you feel anxious, depressed, angry...all human beings have these times.  And addicts are people who have learned to turn to something - in our case, porn - to escape those feelings.  Just remember they will come and go.  And if you keep on doing positive things....the good feelings will start to visit more often than the bad ones.

Great to hear how well you're doing now though!  Fantastic, and keep going!

AT.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Very true, Anothertry!

I slipped last night PMO but no go with PIED, and became very angry and agitated. I feel I learned an important lesson from it. BTW- Leonard Cohen is one of my fav poets/singer-songwriters/philosophers. Dylan is my second choice. In "Things Have Changed" he wrote/sang of "trying to get as far from myself as I can." That's how I feel most of the time, but I know that isn't the answer. He also sang, "I close my eyes and I wonder/if everything is as hollow as it seems." Right now everything, including myself, feels hollow and superfluous (unnecessary or needless).

Happiness and peace will come from staying within myself, in the present moment, connected to the real world void of P and other illusory pleasures.

Still, the little spark inside me refuses to give up, so onward I stumble, hopefully in the right direction this time.

 

[getagrip]

A little advice: find an alternative activity to substitute for porn when you get the urge. For me, it's coming to these forums instead of porn.

 

[Anothertry]

Keep going Buddhaawake.

There's no shame in having slipped, you are doing something very hard.

The important thing is to get up, dust yourself down and keep going.

It can be useful to ask some questions about the slip though.  What triggered it?  Is that something that you can avoid?  Is there anything you might you have done instead of PMO when triggered (as getagrip suggested); is there anything in your life so powerfully absorbing and meaningful it would work as a P alternative?  What rationalisations did you use to persuade yourself to PMO - and were they really true, or just lies? (if they are lies seeing that helps for the future?)

Glad to hear we have a shared interest in Dylan and Cohen.  Here's some more Cohen inspired thoughts... Everything is broken.  Everything is whole.  In this paradox, there is a spark in you that says 'hallelujah'.  From that part, I believe, your recovery begins.....

AT

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Great advice, everyone, and thanks for the encouragement. The trigger for me was going to bed before my wife (she stays up way later than me, weekdays and weekends) and turning on my tablet. I've tried playing videogames as a distraction but they just ramp up my dopamine/reward system, so I've removed the app from my tablet.

Last night I finished reading Your Brain on Porn and read part of Springsteen's autobiography.

Another thing I am doing is reading one of Buddhism's Five Mindfulness Trainings. It is a common sense approach to sex and not just for Buddhists:

"Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness ? which are the four basic elements of true love ? for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future."

 

[getagrip]

That Buddhist quote is amazing. To me it sums up everything. I pasted it into a Word document and will keep it around where I can see it frequently. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

You're welcome, getagrip!

I know the quote is a bit long. A short, bumper-sticker sized word of wisdom would be easier to remember. I like this longer quote for two reasons-

1. It addresses the pledge to avoid sexual misconduct and acknowledges the harmful effects to family and to the women abused and exploited in the porn industry. Yes, we choose to reboot for ourselves, but there are reasons for others as well.

2. The time it takes to read a longer quote is time for the "got to have it!" urge to pass.

I'm not trying to promote Buddhism to anyone- I just think some people might benefit from setting this intention for appropriate sexual conduct.

 

[getagrip]

Yes, I realize you are not trying to push Buddhism on anyone, but I must admit the quote does make me curious! The thing I like about the quote is that it de-objectifies women and reminds us of the deep satisfaction of MAKING LOVE with our partner. This is dignity and respect for yourself and your partner. I like the emphasis on the connection between love and sex, as opposed to just sexual craving, which of course P caters to.