I know we often have conversations on this forum from PAs who feel like partners don't know or understand their side of porn addiction. I thought it would be good to have a conversation about what partners actually do know when it comes to what porn addiction:
1. Most porn addicts want to quit. They realize their porn use is out of control and don't like the feeling of being at the mercy of something like porn.
2. Most porn addicts are embarrassed about their addiction. Porn is seen as 'normal' and 'all guys do it', but they know they would be mocked and ridiculed to have to admit that because they used porn so much, they often have difficulty having sex in the real world. They are embarrassed to admit they can no longer even have an erection without porn.
3. Most porn addicts didn't know they had an addiction until they tried to quit. It wasn't until trying to stop porn that it was discovered they couldn't just walk away. It is unsettling to not have control of your own body and mind.
4. Relapse is hard mentally, emotionally, and physically. When relapse happens, one of the hardest things to do is to come back and reset the counter. Most have tried 100 times to say no and resisted 100 times before they actually go through with a relapse. As soon as they O, they feel shame, remorse, and many fall right back into PIED. Depression is common and even having the courage to get out of bed and start again is a victory.
5. Most porn addicts find their addiction started well before they were old enough and mature enough to have a choice. When your first look a porn was under the age of twelve, you had little control over the way things would play out when it came to porn. Most porn addicts didn't so much 'choose' porn as much as the tentacles of porn addiction started to wrap around their mind before they had the capacity to effectively resist. This wasn't their choice and they wish it never happened.
6. Most porn addicts think they have messed up so bad they will never have a chance of real love and real happiness. They come to the partners section and see the conversation and get frustrated because it seems like even if they kick the porn habit, they still might not have shot at the ending they envisioned - where quitting porn means they get the promised 'super powers' and attract the real life woman that will make them never even think about porn again. That fantasy is something that motivated them and when that fantasy gets ripped away they wonder if this is all worth it. They have to actively fight the feelings that maybe the only time they ever orgasm is to porn and if they stop porn, they stop being any type of man - even a porn addicted man.
7. Most porn addicts are tired, lonely because they don't have anyone they can tell they are struggling with porn, and really wish they could be honest about their struggles outside of an anonymous online forum, but they can't. They know being honest will cost them too much in their life, so part of fighting porn is lying about who you are in your real world life and that makes it so much harder - because you feel like a fraud.
8. Most porn addicts are mourning something their addiction has made them lose. For some it is a girlfriend or wife, for others a job or career, and for others - just hobbies and interests and doing something with their time other than jacking off to porn. Porn costs them something big and they struggle with wondering if they will ever get back even a little bit of what porn has already taken.
9. Porn addiction is scary. Sometimes when you go back through your mind at some of the things you watched to get that orgasm it is frightening. You question who you are and if you are 'sick in the head' and you don't feel like you can ever tell anyone on the planet - because you can't even say out loud, let alone admit, some of the things you watched to get hard and some of the stuff you finished to. It still scares you that those are the images you needed to orgasm and you wonder if normal sex will ever be enough for you.
10. You are more than just a porn addict. You are a complete person who is more than just this addiction. You get tired of coming on the partner forum and seeing posts that appear to limit you to this small area when you do a lot of good in the world. You have a job or are going to school, some people volunteer, others go to church, some are active fathers, others supportive friends. For some, if we knew who you were in real life we might be shocked because in every other area of your life - you are admired. For others, your friends and family would never believe you were addicted to porn because you are the nicest, sweetest guy - very respectful of women, funny, kind, etc. This is just a piece of you.
See, we get it. We know. But this forum here - it isn't where we come to discuss our significant other's contributions to society. This isn't where we discuss how good of a father they are or how they volunteered last night feeding the poor, or how they made beds for the local homeless shelter. This isn't where we discuss our compassion for their struggle or how much it breaks our heart to see our significant other struggle. This isn't where we talk about how proud we are of the hard work and dedication it takes to break porn addiction. This isn't where we talk about how brave we think it is to take on addiction - often times all alone, and fight with everything you have in you to win back what you have lost. This isn't where we come to discuss the good qualities that we KNOW are there. We get all of that - every partner here gets all of that.
This forum is where we discuss "our" struggle as partners. A BIG part of that struggle is the emotional impact of finding out that your overall 'good guy' had a really dark secret and that secret impacted you in a big way. We allow each other to vent and we know that sometimes people say things in their emotional distress that they don't mean - it is just the only thing that would come out. We understand that this is the space to say the ugly things you would never actually say to your significant other or any porn addict - but it is eating at your mind and you want someone, anyone to know just how much anger and pain and anguish you are dealing with. We as partners know that sometimes just venting is enough for the mind to clear and things to come into perspective.
So really, we get it. We really do get it. I think the agreement can be that if we don't come on to the other forums and hurl accusations and mock and threaten, then nothing at all said here in this forum should be taken personal by a porn addict. If we were directing something negative towards a PA we would go to your forum and say it. Look, I admit to right now being an absolute emotional mess! One day I am happy, the next day anger, the next day depressed, the next day hopeful. Heck, sometimes all those emotions happen within an hour. I come here and vent because it is the only 'safe' place I have. This isn't personal to you all, so stop taking it personal.
Look, I don't even go to the other forums anymore. I saw a LOT of things I was taking personal. I would read those boards and end up absolutely depressed and disgusted. So, I totally get what it is like to read something in a forum that 'feels' like it is directed specifically towards you. My solution was to stop going on those forums, because I know many of the guys there were posting out of their own frustrations, not understanding their emotions, trying to find a safe way to talk about just how fucking hard porn addiction is to conquer. So - I left because I knew I had nothing constructive to contribute and I would probably do more harm than good trying to interject from my own hurt.
If you have a partner, it might be helpful to watch the forum and see what the recovery is like on our end, but don't take it personal. If we have questions- please feel free to answer. But, don't take a vent from personal distress as an attack on you. Everyone heals differently and this space is not the place for your healing, it is the space for partners' healing.
1. Most porn addicts want to quit. They realize their porn use is out of control and don't like the feeling of being at the mercy of something like porn.
2. Most porn addicts are embarrassed about their addiction. Porn is seen as 'normal' and 'all guys do it', but they know they would be mocked and ridiculed to have to admit that because they used porn so much, they often have difficulty having sex in the real world. They are embarrassed to admit they can no longer even have an erection without porn.
3. Most porn addicts didn't know they had an addiction until they tried to quit. It wasn't until trying to stop porn that it was discovered they couldn't just walk away. It is unsettling to not have control of your own body and mind.
4. Relapse is hard mentally, emotionally, and physically. When relapse happens, one of the hardest things to do is to come back and reset the counter. Most have tried 100 times to say no and resisted 100 times before they actually go through with a relapse. As soon as they O, they feel shame, remorse, and many fall right back into PIED. Depression is common and even having the courage to get out of bed and start again is a victory.
5. Most porn addicts find their addiction started well before they were old enough and mature enough to have a choice. When your first look a porn was under the age of twelve, you had little control over the way things would play out when it came to porn. Most porn addicts didn't so much 'choose' porn as much as the tentacles of porn addiction started to wrap around their mind before they had the capacity to effectively resist. This wasn't their choice and they wish it never happened.
6. Most porn addicts think they have messed up so bad they will never have a chance of real love and real happiness. They come to the partners section and see the conversation and get frustrated because it seems like even if they kick the porn habit, they still might not have shot at the ending they envisioned - where quitting porn means they get the promised 'super powers' and attract the real life woman that will make them never even think about porn again. That fantasy is something that motivated them and when that fantasy gets ripped away they wonder if this is all worth it. They have to actively fight the feelings that maybe the only time they ever orgasm is to porn and if they stop porn, they stop being any type of man - even a porn addicted man.
7. Most porn addicts are tired, lonely because they don't have anyone they can tell they are struggling with porn, and really wish they could be honest about their struggles outside of an anonymous online forum, but they can't. They know being honest will cost them too much in their life, so part of fighting porn is lying about who you are in your real world life and that makes it so much harder - because you feel like a fraud.
8. Most porn addicts are mourning something their addiction has made them lose. For some it is a girlfriend or wife, for others a job or career, and for others - just hobbies and interests and doing something with their time other than jacking off to porn. Porn costs them something big and they struggle with wondering if they will ever get back even a little bit of what porn has already taken.
9. Porn addiction is scary. Sometimes when you go back through your mind at some of the things you watched to get that orgasm it is frightening. You question who you are and if you are 'sick in the head' and you don't feel like you can ever tell anyone on the planet - because you can't even say out loud, let alone admit, some of the things you watched to get hard and some of the stuff you finished to. It still scares you that those are the images you needed to orgasm and you wonder if normal sex will ever be enough for you.
10. You are more than just a porn addict. You are a complete person who is more than just this addiction. You get tired of coming on the partner forum and seeing posts that appear to limit you to this small area when you do a lot of good in the world. You have a job or are going to school, some people volunteer, others go to church, some are active fathers, others supportive friends. For some, if we knew who you were in real life we might be shocked because in every other area of your life - you are admired. For others, your friends and family would never believe you were addicted to porn because you are the nicest, sweetest guy - very respectful of women, funny, kind, etc. This is just a piece of you.
See, we get it. We know. But this forum here - it isn't where we come to discuss our significant other's contributions to society. This isn't where we discuss how good of a father they are or how they volunteered last night feeding the poor, or how they made beds for the local homeless shelter. This isn't where we discuss our compassion for their struggle or how much it breaks our heart to see our significant other struggle. This isn't where we talk about how proud we are of the hard work and dedication it takes to break porn addiction. This isn't where we talk about how brave we think it is to take on addiction - often times all alone, and fight with everything you have in you to win back what you have lost. This isn't where we come to discuss the good qualities that we KNOW are there. We get all of that - every partner here gets all of that.
This forum is where we discuss "our" struggle as partners. A BIG part of that struggle is the emotional impact of finding out that your overall 'good guy' had a really dark secret and that secret impacted you in a big way. We allow each other to vent and we know that sometimes people say things in their emotional distress that they don't mean - it is just the only thing that would come out. We understand that this is the space to say the ugly things you would never actually say to your significant other or any porn addict - but it is eating at your mind and you want someone, anyone to know just how much anger and pain and anguish you are dealing with. We as partners know that sometimes just venting is enough for the mind to clear and things to come into perspective.
So really, we get it. We really do get it. I think the agreement can be that if we don't come on to the other forums and hurl accusations and mock and threaten, then nothing at all said here in this forum should be taken personal by a porn addict. If we were directing something negative towards a PA we would go to your forum and say it. Look, I admit to right now being an absolute emotional mess! One day I am happy, the next day anger, the next day depressed, the next day hopeful. Heck, sometimes all those emotions happen within an hour. I come here and vent because it is the only 'safe' place I have. This isn't personal to you all, so stop taking it personal.
Look, I don't even go to the other forums anymore. I saw a LOT of things I was taking personal. I would read those boards and end up absolutely depressed and disgusted. So, I totally get what it is like to read something in a forum that 'feels' like it is directed specifically towards you. My solution was to stop going on those forums, because I know many of the guys there were posting out of their own frustrations, not understanding their emotions, trying to find a safe way to talk about just how fucking hard porn addiction is to conquer. So - I left because I knew I had nothing constructive to contribute and I would probably do more harm than good trying to interject from my own hurt.
If you have a partner, it might be helpful to watch the forum and see what the recovery is like on our end, but don't take it personal. If we have questions- please feel free to answer. But, don't take a vent from personal distress as an attack on you. Everyone heals differently and this space is not the place for your healing, it is the space for partners' healing.