Writing a letter?

[BuddhaAwake]

I've received much support on this forum for telling my wife. I'm thinking of writing a letter to her- not to avoid face to face (I would be present while she reads it), but to set out what I want to say how I want to say it, going into as much detail as possible and assuring her that none of this is her fault in any way.

I don't trust my judgment much these days.

Could I get some feedback regarding this idea?

 

[stillme]

Letter is a good idea. My husband often gets completely flustered when trying to talk face-to-face. My emotions make him lose his train of thought and he often comes across as rehearsed. He did rehearse because he is trying not to say the wrong thing, but it feels fake and that defeats his goal. However, my husband has also written letters and some have been great, others horrible. Make sure you read what you wrote from her point of view before you give it to her. I have actually had to go to my husband and say, "Did you even READ THIS!" So, take you time and think about not so much what you want to say, but what you want her to hear.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Thanks for the advice, stillme.

It looks like posters can add attachments to what they post. I know this is asking a lot and obviously you must feel free to decline, but when I write my letter could I post it or private message you to read it and give me feedback from your point of view?

Would anyone else on this forum be willing to read it and provide feedback?

 

[uglyducklingagain]

I think it's a great idea! That's how I deal with a lot of issues. It's easier to write what I need to say without losing my train of thought.

 

[stillme]

Thanks for the advice, stillme.

It looks like posters can add attachments to what they post. I know this is asking a lot and obviously you must feel free to decline, but when I write my letter could I post it or private message you to read it and give me feedback from your point of view?

Would anyone else on this forum be willing to read it and provide feedback?

Feel free to post and I have no problem providing feedback. I know this is tough and I know I would want someone to provide feedback to my husband if he asked. This is a hard road for all of us, we should make it easier for each other whenever possible!

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

That is a brilliant idea! I personally wish my partner would still write me a note explaining everything. A letter provides real emotion, all the points you want to make, and that way you won't forget your points. But yes, do write it, read it, read it again, and make sure if you were the one who was betrayed how would you feel reading this letter?Be sensitive. I would be willing to read the letter if you want. I'm glad you're going to be honest! It's a big step forward

 

[cuppatea]

My husband wrote me a letter on Sunday and it was very touching. I think it's a good idea. I'm also happy to have a read of it first for you and give feedback. Also I have a book that sets out how to do a full disclosure letter, she talks about no graphic details of stuff and to make sure it's written with empathy for the partner. I'll see if I can paste the example letter in a post for you. (it's from a sex addict to his wife, so more than just porn in the letter but I'm sure the same principles can be applied)

 

[cuppatea]

A sample disclosure letter

Dear Sally,

This letter has taken me many hours to write and it has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am truly sorry for all the pain that I have caused you and I want you to know that I love you deeply and never wanted to hurt you. What follows is an account of all the ways in which I have betrayed you and put our relationship in jeopardy. I first started viewing pornography when I was fourteen and I realise now that it had escalated out of control by the time I was in my second year of university ? long before we met. I was also having sex with multiple partners, often compulsively but I didn?t realise it at the time and justified to myself that it was what all young men did. I thought all that was behind me when we met, but within the first year of our relationship I started watching pornography again. At first it was two or three times a week after you had gone to bed, but there were times when this was as much as five or six times. I used to lie to you that I was working, but I wasn?t, and sometimes I didn?t come to bed until the early hours of the morning. I know that this affected our sex life and I often was not available for you in the way that you deserved. I first had an affair when you were pregnant with Archie with someone at the office. I have never felt able to tell you this before because I know what an important time that was for us and I have tainted that time forever. It was one night when we were away at a conference, and I felt huge guilt and shame. But it happened again 6 months later with the same person. After that I slept with three other women who I worked with before leaving that job. When we moved to London I started visiting sex workers. Initially I went to massage parlours every other month but this escalated to about twice a month over the following 3 years. At the parlours I received manual stimulation and on one occasion received oral sex. In 2011 I had sex with a prostitute for the first time and that was when I realised I had a significant problem. I had sex with two other prostitutes after that until you found out last August. Since then I have not slept with anybody, but I continued viewing pornography compulsively on my work computer during office hours until March of this year. I can assure you that I have never looked at any illegal images on the computer and I have never put you at any risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. I have also never had sex with anyone you know or in any place that we have been to together. As far as I know, no one knows about my sexually acting out except for the people in my recovery group and the people we have told together. Words cannot express how sorry I am for what I have done, and how much shame and guilt I feel. I know I can?t expect you to forgive me or expect you to want to stay with me. But I have never stopped loving you and I promise I will do everything in my power to stop this addiction and put you and our relationship first in my life.

John

Hall, Paula. Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners and Those Who Want to Help Them (p. 138). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Thanks to everyone for the great support! I will post my letter when I finish it (it might take a while to sort out what I want to say and how to say it, and I'll read and read and revise it). The sample letter posted gives me a good idea of how to address the issue.

I know that the most important things are to be totally honest and to assure her it is not her fault. I don't care how angry she might be with me and I don't fear anything she might say to me- except that she feels responsible. I will emphasize that I, and I alone, bear the responsibility for my actions.

That said, knowing her, I know she will personalize and blame herself. Any suggestions as to how to mitigate this issue? Did anyone say or do something that convinced you it was not your fault?

I'd rather take a frying pan to the head than have her blame herself!

 

[Gracie]

Yes write a letter.  Do whatever works for you to tell her.  She will still love you.

 

[cuppatea]

My husband just keeps telling me over and over again it's not my fault. My therapist said it's not my fault, my doctor did too, the women on here, I've read it in books. Just emphasize it to her lots if she does blame herself, maybe look into some resources as well. That book I quoted below is for partners of sex addicts (she talks about porn addiction too), hubby and me are currently reading "love you, hate the porn" and that is based on rebuilding the couple relationship and that one is helpful too. So maybe buy those first before telling her, offer to read them with her etc.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Here is the preliminary letter I've written. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Dear L-,

Years ago I shared with you that I had been viewing pornography and that I had stopped. I remember how hurt you were at that time, and I am tempted to spare you the knowledge that I am still struggling with viewing porn. In my heart I know there is no room in a marriage for such a secret. I?m not sharing this with you to selfishly lighten my burden. I am very tempted to go it alone and not hurt you. It is out of respect and love for you that I open up. It is not fair to dump this on you, but it isn?t fair to keep it from you, either. I created this situation and I must do my best to make things right.

I am prepared to face whatever consequences follow and answer whatever questions you might have.

What follows is a description and explanation- NOT an excuse. What I have done is my responsibility and mine alone. When I?m finished reading this letter, I?d rather take a frying pan to the head than have you feel any responsibility.

It started with my Dad?s Playboy and Penthouse magazines when I was a teen. Mom had very explicit novels and Nancy Friday?s explicit books on men?s and women?s fantasies. My grandfather kept Hustler magazines in his bathroom, and I viewed them when my family went there for dinners.  ?Normal? viewing of porn (if there is such a thing) became warped over time. Brain science shows that early exposure to porn has a strong effect on the development an adolescent?s brain.

In my late teens and twenties porn videos became accessible to me. I viewed them as a substitute for the sexual relationship I knew I could never have with a woman due to my physical and emotional unattractiveness.

You know about my sex life with T- (my first wife), and how she shamed me for wanting a sex life with her at all. I don?t blame her- she had her own experiences that (mis)shaped her attitudes towards sex. So, I continued my video porn viewing figuring that she didn?t want any sex so I wasn?t hurting anybody.

My sex life with you was a revelation. You were open and free and honest and I couldn?t believe how wonderfully sex enhanced our lives together. You were and still are the woman I love and cherish. There is nothing you have done or not done that resulted in me watching porn.

I thought it was out of habit (porn watching is what guys do), but I now see that my continued viewing of porn was the start (or continuation?) of an addiction. This became especially easy with the advent of free Internet porn. I read the book Your Brain on Porn, and it explains how Internet porn is many times more addicting and destructive than previous porn. I won?t go into the details here, but I can explain them if you want or you can go to the website yourbrainonporn.com. It has articles and videos that explain Internet porn addiction in detail.

I have recently arrived at the realization that it is a full-blown addiction and that my brain has been rewired by decades of porn (ab)use. This addiction has led to a level of emotional distance between us. It has blunted me emotionally. It, rather I, have robbed you of a fully emotionally available, responsive husband. It has resulted in what is referred to as porn-induced-ED.

Viewing porn also violates my standards of conduct-i.e. values and spiritual beliefs. It makes me sick that I watched porn knowing how degrading and destructive it is to the women involved. It goes against the very fiber of The Third Mindfulness Training of Buddhism.

I find strength and comfort (and I hope you will too) in the knowledge that the changes in the brain are not irreversible. It takes time, often three months or more, and the time needed varies by individual. The first and most important step is to stop viewing porn and any porn substitutes (print porn, sexy pictures, etc...) That is why I changed my desktop picture from a sexy news anchor to The Buddha.

Having read the book I just mentioned, I have decided to confront my porn addiction straight on. There is a website called Reboot Nation, where porn addicts can anonymously share their experiences and support one another. I have joined this community and received much information and encouragement.

I will answer any and all questions you may have, and it might benefit you to know there is a forum at Reboot Nation for partners of porn addicts.

I did not set out to become addicted to porn, but I did, and that is MY responsibility. I?m not blaming my parents, magazine publishers, or the Internet.

It is my responsibility to stop keeping this issue a secret from you. It is my responsibility to continue the steps I am taking.

I have no control over how you receive this information, but whatever your reaction is you know that you are entitled to it. I want to do anything I can to help you understand this and help you through it.

I am so sorry that you?ve had to suffer on my account! You have been such a love and support through my mental illness over the past year.

If I could change the past I would. What I can change is the present and the future.

I hope that you can forgive me.
Love,
R-

 

[cuppatea]

I think that letter is really lovely and covers all you need to. I'll keep thinking on it and if anything pops to mind I'll come back and comment again.

 

[cuppatea]

I would change the but about the news anchor. Too maybe just "that's why I changed my screen saver to the buddha"

 

[Kimba]

Great Idea, its so hard to get the words right when talking to your partner, or there is interruptions and anger etc... I can only hope that my partner would one day wish to discuss his habit more but he is not one to share, unfortunately for us.

I think you are on the right track and good luck and best wishes to you...

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Great letter! I wish my partner would write something so heart felt. I am sure this will mean a lot to her.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Thanks, everyone! Anyone else want to jump in feel free to do so. I'll take cuppatea's suggestion regarding my desktop picture.

My wife works in the office Friday and I plan to share my letter with her that night, so she has the weekend if she needs it, before getting back to work.